Well this is a really short post on my progress.
I have lost some weight! Somewhere around 4kgs!!!
My arms are thinner..as so are my thighs...I now like my thighs :)
So I have lost 1cm of my arms, I think the same on my legs, a few cm of my thighs, and around 3cm of my waist!
Unfortunately I have to say that I have put back on a kilo and a bit in the last week, all because of an immense craving for crisps :(
But hooray for exercise machines and kettle bells!!!
Sorry was going to put in pictures but have to run...
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Talks, talks and Even More Talks
So it has been a few days since my last post. I feel that The Hoh and I have done nothing but talk and talk and then talk some more.
At one stage I had no idea where we were even going on this journey.
I have felt that I have had to hold his hand, over and over again. Listened to him say that we are not giving up and that this is working for us...which, I guess in some ways it is.
While on the other hand I have felt that perhaps he was only 'in love' with the idea of ttwd/dd.
It has been a hard week.
My trust in him remains, but not in his consistency.
Walls that I had built over the years before we even started on this journey are back up. The ones that I pulled down, worked so hard to be vulnerable at, are stronger now than what they were before we started on this.
I feel that I am in a trench. Dug in and fighting to hang onto whatever I can. I left myself wide open, showed a vulnerable side that he had not seen before, a side that with all the inconsistencies has taken a knocking.
It is going to take me awhile to dig myself out of this trench. I feel more firmly planted in it than I ever have.
To be fair, it is not all his fault. Both of us were brought up in very female dominant households. We both struggle with letting go and being comfortable in our roles.
Where we go from here at this stage is forward. But I have already said that this is the last chance. I cannot live holding his hand, encouraging him every single day, telling him that I trust his decisions, that I trust him to be an Hoh, making excuses, having the frustration, anger and emotional instability of an inconsistent Hoh.
I am tired. So very tired.
I explained that you get to a point in your life where you just cannot keep saying the same things over and over again, and never seeing a change. Change has to come.
I have to deal with my own submission and obedience, my own role within the house without having to drag someone along with me. That someone being the one that keeps saying we are not giving up we are going to carry this on....on whose shoulders are we carrying this?
Yes there have been some changes, all for the better, and right now, that is what I am focusing on. I cannot look back or ahead, but can only take one day at a time, because what is a rule today, might, just possibly not be a rule tomorrow.
Every time we hit a roadblock I feel as if the control has been handed back to me. Each time we have these talks, I feel that I am in control ...not him.
And it is doing my head in. On one hand I am being asked to be an obedient/submissive wife, while on the other I am expected, consciously or subconsciously to come up with answers on how he should be dealing with things...or things just get ignored, thus, I am still very much in control.
It is control I do not want.
There is so much more that I could type here, so much more in depth stuff that has come out over the last few days, and perhaps The Silence will write his own blog on those things.
Today is a new day. For now, I will just take one day at a time.
Thank you too, to those that have emailed asking how we are, and those that have made comments too. Your support means much, not just to me, but to the Hoh as well.
May you day be spank free :)
At one stage I had no idea where we were even going on this journey.
I have felt that I have had to hold his hand, over and over again. Listened to him say that we are not giving up and that this is working for us...which, I guess in some ways it is.
While on the other hand I have felt that perhaps he was only 'in love' with the idea of ttwd/dd.
It has been a hard week.
My trust in him remains, but not in his consistency.
Walls that I had built over the years before we even started on this journey are back up. The ones that I pulled down, worked so hard to be vulnerable at, are stronger now than what they were before we started on this.
I feel that I am in a trench. Dug in and fighting to hang onto whatever I can. I left myself wide open, showed a vulnerable side that he had not seen before, a side that with all the inconsistencies has taken a knocking.
It is going to take me awhile to dig myself out of this trench. I feel more firmly planted in it than I ever have.
To be fair, it is not all his fault. Both of us were brought up in very female dominant households. We both struggle with letting go and being comfortable in our roles.
Where we go from here at this stage is forward. But I have already said that this is the last chance. I cannot live holding his hand, encouraging him every single day, telling him that I trust his decisions, that I trust him to be an Hoh, making excuses, having the frustration, anger and emotional instability of an inconsistent Hoh.
I am tired. So very tired.
I explained that you get to a point in your life where you just cannot keep saying the same things over and over again, and never seeing a change. Change has to come.
I have to deal with my own submission and obedience, my own role within the house without having to drag someone along with me. That someone being the one that keeps saying we are not giving up we are going to carry this on....on whose shoulders are we carrying this?
Yes there have been some changes, all for the better, and right now, that is what I am focusing on. I cannot look back or ahead, but can only take one day at a time, because what is a rule today, might, just possibly not be a rule tomorrow.
Every time we hit a roadblock I feel as if the control has been handed back to me. Each time we have these talks, I feel that I am in control ...not him.
And it is doing my head in. On one hand I am being asked to be an obedient/submissive wife, while on the other I am expected, consciously or subconsciously to come up with answers on how he should be dealing with things...or things just get ignored, thus, I am still very much in control.
It is control I do not want.
There is so much more that I could type here, so much more in depth stuff that has come out over the last few days, and perhaps The Silence will write his own blog on those things.
Today is a new day. For now, I will just take one day at a time.
Thank you too, to those that have emailed asking how we are, and those that have made comments too. Your support means much, not just to me, but to the Hoh as well.
May you day be spank free :)
Friday, 22 February 2013
The Possibilities are Endless
Would be hilariously funny if .....
After many talks and the decision that The Silence made to have a no tolerance policy I thought we were on the right track. There was not going to be anymore confusion and inconsistencies because of this decision of no tolerance.
It lasted less than 24 hours.
I am frustrated, confused and p*****d.
And probably should not even be posting this.
Not in my present state of mind anyway. I have tried to ditch the implements, and he has put them back.
I have no idea where we go from here...none at all. I am not sure I can do this everyday, with not knowing proper boundaries, boundaries that change at the drop of a hat.
I am sorry that this is not a wonderful, inspiring post full of humour.
Spankful For Bas
Thank you for all your words of wisdom and inspiration that you have given. Especially the understanding of Hoh'iness :)
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Punishment Essay..500 words
500
Word Essay on Why I Did Not Complete the ‘List’ on Feb 20th
Well this is going to be hard, as I cannot remember
the rules about the essay writing punishment...I know that there are some.
Oh wait...I cannot count this and above in the word
count. Better get on with it I guess.
-58 words
I did not complete the ‘list’ on the 20th
Feb as I was too busy whinging about inconsistency and doing a post on such
subject.
-38 words
I have no excuse to give for not completing the list
that is there for me to learn obedience and submission to you as Head of the
House.
Though it was hot and muggy and at least thirty two
degrees, I cannot even use that as an excuse. It was a deliberate act of defiance
and rebellion against you as I was peeved and wanted to take back some control
within the dynamics of our household.
This does not show respect for you, nor does it show
a good use of my time while you are at work if I choose to ignore the ‘List’.
I spent the time instead watching a movie and
pottering around the house. And I had a nap. I also spent quite some time reading blogs and
chatting, emailing and having a look on facebook.
Having said this, I did do the washing, change the
bed and vacuum.
I made a conscious decision not to complete the ‘List’.
I did not run out of time, or have that much to do that I could not complete
it.
I apologise for my bad decision making.
The list is there so that I am obedient to you, and
to also achieve not only whatever else I do during the day, but also something
that you would like done that you have specifically asked to have done. Thus the
obedience and accountability.
Doing such things as the ‘List’ gives me a chance to
also serve you. It is important that
this happens as this strengthens not only the love I have for you but our
household dynamics too.
It is important that I complete the list to the
utmost of my ability, without fuss. It is also important that I complete each
task on the list in a timely and efficient manner, making good use of my time.
There is also the health aspect of following through
on the ‘List’ both physically and spiritually.
It is within my best interest to complete said ‘List’
when you have written ‘exercise for twenty mins’ thus taking care of the
physical, and also when you have written ‘Bible Reading and Journaling’ which
takes care of the spiritual side.
I still have over a hundred words to go...
-11Words
As I said there is no excuse for my disobedience
other than the fact that I chose not to complete it out of defiance to the
rules and out of disrespect to you as Head of the Household.
I am humbly apologetic and hopefully this concludes
this five hundred word punishment essay on ‘Why I did not complete the list on the
twentieth day of February in the year of two thousand and thirteen’
Blast...23 words short
-7 words
I will endeavour in future to be the obedient and
submissive wife that you deserve by obeying all future ‘Lists’ as this is what you wish and what was decided
at the start of our journey together.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Silly Confused Thoughts
I was not going to blog today, as I have much to do ... you know, housework.
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, and I am really trying hard not to whinge, whine or complain about anything.
I am trying really hard to accept what is...what is. That is, will always be like this.
That my nature, as hard as I strive for obedience and submission, will always be in control.
It is a fight that I fight everyday..to hand over that control, to be obedient and submissive. It is a fight that sometimes I feel like giving up.
Like this morning. I told The Silence that this is just not happening.
Most of you know that I have/had been sick for nearly a month now, and still not feeling quite right. The Silence in his wisdom has been extremely lenient.
Perhaps to much.
Strange how fast you get used to this lifestyle. Basically a month without it, and all hell is breaking loose.
Because you see, I have tasted what this can be like, I have seen the benefits, the pro's and con's..and I want it back. Impatience I guess.
What I don't want right now is the confusion of where I stand regarding the 'house rules'. Confusion at the moment has free reign in the house, a bit like the Sassy Sassy....probably more like the bratty bratty if one has to be honest with oneself.
Being lenient is not good..not for me anyway. I know this. I feel like we are back at the beginning again, trying to find our feet...give me an inch and I will take a mile...human nature sucks sometimes. Even being aware of it, does not help.
I am envious of the posts that I read where they know that these are the rules, and if you deviate from them this is going to happen...period. No compromise, This is it, this is how it is going to be.
I long for that.
And yet, sometimes I fight him on the punishments. I wont go over OTB when asked...I wanted this lifestyle, I want to obey, I want him as Hoh..then why the hang is it sometimes so hard to just do what I know I am supposed to do?
It has been a week of 'where do I stand' 'can I do this' 'will I ever change' 'can I be the person he deserves' 'I want to give him my all..be owned' Well, I guess you all know how far the mind can go when questioning yourself.
And in the midst of this is the inconsistency. And in the midst of that consistency is the fact that I know that when we first started this is was by mutual consent. I also know that in the midst of this, I relinquished that consent solely to him after the first big meltdown I/we had when it was decided that he would be in total charge, that we were doing this for life, no choice from me. This was working, and it was going to stay.
And in the midst of all that I am questioning myself, wondering if I am worth it. The Silence says I am, that he loves me unconditionally, wants this as it has helped us so much. But then..the inconsistency creeps in, I start taking back the control, not knowing where I stand. And start wondering if he is sick of me...sick of the struggle that I have with obeying..being submissive.
I know that it is hard to be an Hoh..it comes with its own problems. I know he tries...oh for goodness sakes, this post is all over the place and I have no idea of what I am even trying to say.
Trying to get my head in the right place...and failing.
I know that it is not him..not all of him anyway. I know that it is me.
I do want this. I am just tired of the struggle. Tired of being OTB and getting up and being only in the place of ..anger..not taken to that place of submissiveness, and the next time, the same thing happens. And the frustration and anger just keeps building.
I think, no...I know...I need a darn good spanking to put me back into that place where I so want to be.
If you have read this far, then I admire you. Sorry it is all over the place.
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, and I am really trying hard not to whinge, whine or complain about anything.
I am trying really hard to accept what is...what is. That is, will always be like this.
That my nature, as hard as I strive for obedience and submission, will always be in control.
It is a fight that I fight everyday..to hand over that control, to be obedient and submissive. It is a fight that sometimes I feel like giving up.
Like this morning. I told The Silence that this is just not happening.
Most of you know that I have/had been sick for nearly a month now, and still not feeling quite right. The Silence in his wisdom has been extremely lenient.
Perhaps to much.
Strange how fast you get used to this lifestyle. Basically a month without it, and all hell is breaking loose.
Because you see, I have tasted what this can be like, I have seen the benefits, the pro's and con's..and I want it back. Impatience I guess.
What I don't want right now is the confusion of where I stand regarding the 'house rules'. Confusion at the moment has free reign in the house, a bit like the Sassy Sassy....probably more like the bratty bratty if one has to be honest with oneself.
Being lenient is not good..not for me anyway. I know this. I feel like we are back at the beginning again, trying to find our feet...give me an inch and I will take a mile...human nature sucks sometimes. Even being aware of it, does not help.
I am envious of the posts that I read where they know that these are the rules, and if you deviate from them this is going to happen...period. No compromise, This is it, this is how it is going to be.
I long for that.
And yet, sometimes I fight him on the punishments. I wont go over OTB when asked...I wanted this lifestyle, I want to obey, I want him as Hoh..then why the hang is it sometimes so hard to just do what I know I am supposed to do?
It has been a week of 'where do I stand' 'can I do this' 'will I ever change' 'can I be the person he deserves' 'I want to give him my all..be owned' Well, I guess you all know how far the mind can go when questioning yourself.
And in the midst of this is the inconsistency. And in the midst of that consistency is the fact that I know that when we first started this is was by mutual consent. I also know that in the midst of this, I relinquished that consent solely to him after the first big meltdown I/we had when it was decided that he would be in total charge, that we were doing this for life, no choice from me. This was working, and it was going to stay.
And in the midst of all that I am questioning myself, wondering if I am worth it. The Silence says I am, that he loves me unconditionally, wants this as it has helped us so much. But then..the inconsistency creeps in, I start taking back the control, not knowing where I stand. And start wondering if he is sick of me...sick of the struggle that I have with obeying..being submissive.
I know that it is hard to be an Hoh..it comes with its own problems. I know he tries...oh for goodness sakes, this post is all over the place and I have no idea of what I am even trying to say.
Trying to get my head in the right place...and failing.
I know that it is not him..not all of him anyway. I know that it is me.
I do want this. I am just tired of the struggle. Tired of being OTB and getting up and being only in the place of ..anger..not taken to that place of submissiveness, and the next time, the same thing happens. And the frustration and anger just keeps building.
I think, no...I know...I need a darn good spanking to put me back into that place where I so want to be.
If you have read this far, then I admire you. Sorry it is all over the place.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
The HoH Post
Hey, just putting it out here that The Silence has finally written another blog!
http://thesoundsofthesilence.blogspot.com.au
You can nip on over if you like and see his take on our boot camp that we did just over 5 weeks ago...
and he has diagrams, the clever man!
http://thesoundsofthesilence.blogspot.com.au
You can nip on over if you like and see his take on our boot camp that we did just over 5 weeks ago...
and he has diagrams, the clever man!
Monday, 18 February 2013
Um..Yes...Ok...
So The Silence and I had a chat after the last post I did..and we chatted again the next day. Things have been getting back to 'normal' since..slowly but surely.
There was one stage on the weekend that I spat the dummy, became a bratty prat and ended up with more spanks than I care to count... That was because I told him that this was all stupid and we were not doing it anymore....funny, I seem to feel this way pre that time of the month.
Tonight, since I was feeling better..sigh..being better is not always a good thing you know...as the Sassy Sassy came all out after being locked away for the last three weeks behind a wall of virus's.
So, being the nice person I am...I let Sassy Sassy out to have free reign.
Yeah, I know..dumb idea.
So while over the bed listening to The Silence being not so silent for a change, I realised how silly some of the things are that are said during 'that moment', things like...
We do not hit in this house...Um..Yes..Ok, and you are saying this while walloping my butt?
(By the way, the hit on my part was in fun..ish. Well it started as fun, then got a little out of hand when he spanked to high)
How about this one...
You do not say 'shut up' now shut up and listen to me...(also said while OTB)
There are others, I just cannot remember them all now. It has been a long night and Sassy Sassy has not helped at all, even though I gave it free reign for a short time.
So, I am in a fighting mood, not at all feeling submissive, not quite in the right frame of mind at all. The Silence has been trying to help me back to that place of submissive/obedience that I was in before I got sick three weeks ago.
Such a long time for things to be let go and be lenient. I understand the reasoning of why he did, and for that I am grateful. I am really.
But now, through no fault of his or mine, I am finding it hard to get back to being the quiet, respectful, non sassy, submissive, obedient person that we all know that I can be....We do all know that don't we? I am not still in an antibiotic haze here am I?
I was once that person..wasn't I?
Um..Yes..Ok...maybe not quite the angelic person I would like to make out to be.
Darn...my brain just wont kick into that role, and the rear is starting to get a permanent rosy glow on it that has nothing to do with brilliant sunshine.
I know it is a head space thing...I have to get there in my own head.
Feeling better today, so all that pent up energy and Sassy Sassy has wanted to be let out. I now have to learn to control it all over again.
It will happen, I just have to remember each morning that today is a new dayto make mistakes in to make a new start and re train the mindset.
I am going to have to start exercising again... (but not these ones)
I do hope that you have a great day today, and that it is spank free :)
There was one stage on the weekend that I spat the dummy, became a bratty prat and ended up with more spanks than I care to count... That was because I told him that this was all stupid and we were not doing it anymore....funny, I seem to feel this way pre that time of the month.
Tonight, since I was feeling better..sigh..being better is not always a good thing you know...as the Sassy Sassy came all out after being locked away for the last three weeks behind a wall of virus's.
The Sassy Sassy wanted FREEDOM! Resistance is futile!!!
Yeah, I know..dumb idea.
So while over the bed listening to The Silence being not so silent for a change, I realised how silly some of the things are that are said during 'that moment', things like...
We do not hit in this house...Um..Yes..Ok, and you are saying this while walloping my butt?
(By the way, the hit on my part was in fun..ish. Well it started as fun, then got a little out of hand when he spanked to high)
How about this one...
You do not say 'shut up' now shut up and listen to me...(also said while OTB)
There are others, I just cannot remember them all now. It has been a long night and Sassy Sassy has not helped at all, even though I gave it free reign for a short time.
So, I am in a fighting mood, not at all feeling submissive, not quite in the right frame of mind at all. The Silence has been trying to help me back to that place of submissive/obedience that I was in before I got sick three weeks ago.
Such a long time for things to be let go and be lenient. I understand the reasoning of why he did, and for that I am grateful. I am really.
But now, through no fault of his or mine, I am finding it hard to get back to being the quiet, respectful, non sassy, submissive, obedient person that we all know that I can be....We do all know that don't we? I am not still in an antibiotic haze here am I?
I was once that person..wasn't I?
Um..Yes..Ok...maybe not quite the angelic person I would like to make out to be.
Darn...my brain just wont kick into that role, and the rear is starting to get a permanent rosy glow on it that has nothing to do with brilliant sunshine.
I know it is a head space thing...I have to get there in my own head.
Feeling better today, so all that pent up energy and Sassy Sassy has wanted to be let out. I now have to learn to control it all over again.
It will happen, I just have to remember each morning that today is a new day
I am going to have to start exercising again... (but not these ones)
I do hope that you have a great day today, and that it is spank free :)
Friday, 15 February 2013
Submission and Control...lets take it all back....
Submission....
Remember that precipice that I mentioned a few posts ago..yeah well, jumping seems like a good idea.
Feeling at a loss...submission just is not there at all. Throwing out rope to The Silence and he just does not see it coming...and does not catch it.
Being sick for so long has taken such a toll..not just physically but mentally, on our ttwd/dd journey...for me anyway.
Last weekend was meant to be our 'Submission - you are all mine, obedience, will, body' weekend. We did start it on the Friday night, even though I was only feeling about 80% well. Saturday morning I was nil well, so that ended that weekend.
I had asked if we could do it this weekend instead..being well, but just having a cough now. But no...the answer was just that...NO. I can see his reasons why, as I guess I am only around 95% well...but that is more than last weekend...I just don't get it.
Maybe I am just being pig-headed...yeah, that would be me alright.
I have been sassy, disobedient, disregarding the rules, not because I have been intentionally doing it..it is just happening.
I should be able to stop myself..I mean, we have been doing this since October..have I learnt nothing? I am that weak minded that I cannot control myself?
Oh...Control..yes, I have taken that back too in small ways..seriously what is wrong with me? Is it just because for over two weeks there has been no reckoning?
I am throwing out the rope for him to haul me back in...I cannot seem to get there on my own. So many defences were down while I was sick...emotional defences, that have left me feeling lost, alone (even though I was not, as he was there to hold me each time) and out of sync with who I am.
I am strong, my defences do not come down easily. But I feel like I am not me..that someone else has resided in my body for the last few weeks. That they buried the strong, resilient person. Does that make sense..or am I just in a antibiotic overdrive?
I need this weekend...and he just cannot see it. I feel that I need a strong hand to haul me back, strong hands but loving arms to say that all is going to be well again. That we will get back to where we were.
I feel the need to be 'shown my place' put back...a bit like this guy I guess...
Remember that precipice that I mentioned a few posts ago..yeah well, jumping seems like a good idea.
Feeling at a loss...submission just is not there at all. Throwing out rope to The Silence and he just does not see it coming...and does not catch it.
Being sick for so long has taken such a toll..not just physically but mentally, on our ttwd/dd journey...for me anyway.
Last weekend was meant to be our 'Submission - you are all mine, obedience, will, body' weekend. We did start it on the Friday night, even though I was only feeling about 80% well. Saturday morning I was nil well, so that ended that weekend.
I had asked if we could do it this weekend instead..being well, but just having a cough now. But no...the answer was just that...NO. I can see his reasons why, as I guess I am only around 95% well...but that is more than last weekend...I just don't get it.
Maybe I am just being pig-headed...yeah, that would be me alright.
I have been sassy, disobedient, disregarding the rules, not because I have been intentionally doing it..it is just happening.
I should be able to stop myself..I mean, we have been doing this since October..have I learnt nothing? I am that weak minded that I cannot control myself?
Oh...Control..yes, I have taken that back too in small ways..seriously what is wrong with me? Is it just because for over two weeks there has been no reckoning?
I am throwing out the rope for him to haul me back in...I cannot seem to get there on my own. So many defences were down while I was sick...emotional defences, that have left me feeling lost, alone (even though I was not, as he was there to hold me each time) and out of sync with who I am.
I am strong, my defences do not come down easily. But I feel like I am not me..that someone else has resided in my body for the last few weeks. That they buried the strong, resilient person. Does that make sense..or am I just in a antibiotic overdrive?
I need this weekend...and he just cannot see it. I feel that I need a strong hand to haul me back, strong hands but loving arms to say that all is going to be well again. That we will get back to where we were.
I feel the need to be 'shown my place' put back...a bit like this guy I guess...
I need that firm hand and strong mind that belongs to him. I need his loving arms taking control. I need him to be tough and strong minded...no compromise..no leniency.
I want to be his...all his...mind, body, will.
And yet I keep throwing the rope and he does not catch it.....
Thursday, 14 February 2013
I Think I am Back :) Perhaps
This is an attempt at getting a decent post out in between coughing fits that I am sure are going to bend my ribs the wrong way around eventually.
I would also like to apologise that I am soooo out of the loop on your own blogs :( I havee 143 emails about blogs in the last week, and no way am I going to be able to catch up on them all. I really am sorry, as what you write and post I love to read and support, but with being sick I just have not been able to even get my brain around getting to here over the last two weeks other than the few short posts I have done.
Being sick has been no picnic. In my last post I mentioned about losing what control I do have in the house. That was when I just had the flu. It is now day 14 of still being under the weather.
On Friday of last week I was starting to feel a bit better and decided that we could go ahead with the 'Boss/submission weekend'...well...we did Friday night..sort off.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling ill and spent the rest of the day either in bed or my head in a bucket, perched on the toilet seat...I had picked up, from goodness knows where since I had been home all week with the flu...a gastro virus. Not good when you are already fighting a flu virus.
Control...oh, what I thought I had lost while I had the flu was nothing compared to the next few days...I had no control at all, not even over my own body.
The Silence at one stage had to help dry me after a shower, help me into bed, and help me at times from room to room, as nothing would actually stay in its own place, including walls that had a habit of jumping out at me at the most in appropriate moments, and that is when my befuddled brain realised that in this situation I was nothing but a puppet on a string, and that he was in control of everything...the house, me, shopping, me, cooking, me, laundry, me...
He has been such a big help with me being sick and at times an emotional mess. I am never an emotional mess, but I guess this time round there was no fight left in me. No walls were standing.
I would like to point out here that he now owes me a treat...I have made it through a whole week without a spanking..well, a little over a week (though I think I might be pushing the boundaries a bit since starting to feel a bit better).
This of course has nothing to do with finally being submissive and obedient. This is entirely by chance, because with being sick I had no resistance to being sent to bed to rest or told to go and sit down, or whatever else he happened to say as a directive. Nor did I have the energy to be sassy...
But all that seems to be making a reappearance since yesterday afternoon. I must be getting better, because the tongue is loosening up and starting to flap on its own again.
So The Silence now owes me:
$24.00 from Boot Camp (by the way, he is writing his own post on this, just taking his time)
A treat of some sort for both of us getting through Boot Camp (yes, it has been weeks)
A coffee out together (cannot remember what for now)
And a treat for just having a week free of spanking (ok, I was sick, but that doesn't count, it was still a week free)
So, in reality I have not really 'chased, caught and claimed' that dangling carrot on my own...The Virus's have helped immensely. Kudos to them for that..but for nothing else.
I can see things going back to 'normal' sometime in the next few days. Having the psychosomatic butt tingling thinking about it, because I know that it is coming. I cannot deny the fact that I feel he has itchy hands from lack of use.
That and the fact that I am still feeling sick, making it Day 14. So over it.
I can feel the walls rising along with the frustration of still being this way. I can feel the 'I want to break out' emotion rising its head.
I guess that is what Cabin Fever is...I have seen no one, nor left the house for 14 days...how do you people do it, who get snowed in?
I am even at the point of 'Rules be damned' I just don't care.
My current state of mind is not good. Everything is balanced precariously on that word: meh
The Silence has been lenient with things, as I have been ill. But I guess there is day a reckoning coming. I am so tired and have no energy...except in my tongue it seems.
Oh well, I guess that eventually I will feel normal again. The Silence will expect the rules to be obeyed and the leniency will be laid aside.
Hugs to all and may your day be spank free and that carrot that dangles makes it closer to your reach :)
I would also like to apologise that I am soooo out of the loop on your own blogs :( I havee 143 emails about blogs in the last week, and no way am I going to be able to catch up on them all. I really am sorry, as what you write and post I love to read and support, but with being sick I just have not been able to even get my brain around getting to here over the last two weeks other than the few short posts I have done.
Being sick has been no picnic. In my last post I mentioned about losing what control I do have in the house. That was when I just had the flu. It is now day 14 of still being under the weather.
On Friday of last week I was starting to feel a bit better and decided that we could go ahead with the 'Boss/submission weekend'...well...we did Friday night..sort off.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling ill and spent the rest of the day either in bed or my head in a bucket, perched on the toilet seat...I had picked up, from goodness knows where since I had been home all week with the flu...a gastro virus. Not good when you are already fighting a flu virus.
Control...oh, what I thought I had lost while I had the flu was nothing compared to the next few days...I had no control at all, not even over my own body.
The Silence at one stage had to help dry me after a shower, help me into bed, and help me at times from room to room, as nothing would actually stay in its own place, including walls that had a habit of jumping out at me at the most in appropriate moments, and that is when my befuddled brain realised that in this situation I was nothing but a puppet on a string, and that he was in control of everything...the house, me, shopping, me, cooking, me, laundry, me...
He has been such a big help with me being sick and at times an emotional mess. I am never an emotional mess, but I guess this time round there was no fight left in me. No walls were standing.
I would like to point out here that he now owes me a treat...I have made it through a whole week without a spanking..well, a little over a week (though I think I might be pushing the boundaries a bit since starting to feel a bit better).
This of course has nothing to do with finally being submissive and obedient. This is entirely by chance, because with being sick I had no resistance to being sent to bed to rest or told to go and sit down, or whatever else he happened to say as a directive. Nor did I have the energy to be sassy...
But all that seems to be making a reappearance since yesterday afternoon. I must be getting better, because the tongue is loosening up and starting to flap on its own again.
So The Silence now owes me:
$24.00 from Boot Camp (by the way, he is writing his own post on this, just taking his time)
A treat of some sort for both of us getting through Boot Camp (yes, it has been weeks)
A coffee out together (cannot remember what for now)
And a treat for just having a week free of spanking (ok, I was sick, but that doesn't count, it was still a week free)
So, in reality I have not really 'chased, caught and claimed' that dangling carrot on my own...The Virus's have helped immensely. Kudos to them for that..but for nothing else.
I can see things going back to 'normal' sometime in the next few days. Having the psychosomatic butt tingling thinking about it, because I know that it is coming. I cannot deny the fact that I feel he has itchy hands from lack of use.
That and the fact that I am still feeling sick, making it Day 14. So over it.
I can feel the walls rising along with the frustration of still being this way. I can feel the 'I want to break out' emotion rising its head.
I guess that is what Cabin Fever is...I have seen no one, nor left the house for 14 days...how do you people do it, who get snowed in?
I am even at the point of 'Rules be damned' I just don't care.
My current state of mind is not good. Everything is balanced precariously on that word: meh
The Silence has been lenient with things, as I have been ill. But I guess there is day a reckoning coming. I am so tired and have no energy...except in my tongue it seems.
Oh well, I guess that eventually I will feel normal again. The Silence will expect the rules to be obeyed and the leniency will be laid aside.
Hugs to all and may your day be spank free and that carrot that dangles makes it closer to your reach :)
Monday, 11 February 2013
Coming Back
Hello my readers and followers
I am just popping in to say sorry that I have completed no new posts for a few days. I am currently rather ill, heading into day 9 of being sick.
I hope to be back soon :)
The Silence over this time has been absolutely amazing, having to deal with a sick and emotional wife....something neither he nor I are used too.
Much love to all you, and hope to be back in a few days :)
I am just popping in to say sorry that I have completed no new posts for a few days. I am currently rather ill, heading into day 9 of being sick.
I hope to be back soon :)
The Silence over this time has been absolutely amazing, having to deal with a sick and emotional wife....something neither he nor I are used too.
Much love to all you, and hope to be back in a few days :)
Friday, 8 February 2013
Cheese Toastie Revelation
I hate being sick. I don't get really sick that often which I am pleased about. This time round I have had the flu, and it has floored me more than I care to say.
The Silence has had to go to work and come home and cook the evening meal as well. This is something that I have found hard to deal with.
I am a strong woman. Even before Ttwd/Dd I would still battle on through sickness. I hated to admit defeat in any area.
And...I don't cry often. Hardly ever before we started on this journey.
Two nights ago I cried because I just did not have the energy to do dinner, and that was day five of this dam flu. The Silence came home and started doing cheese toasties just before he was due to head out the door again.
I hated it.
Not the cheese, tomato and onion toastie he made...I hated the fact that he had to do it. And I cried about it.
This flu has let my defenses down more than I would like to have them down at the moment. I feel like an emotional mess. This morning he said something to me that made me cry too. I felt offended by what he said, which by the way was really nothing to get offended over. And I cried...seriously I hate this flu!!
I got to thinking last night about why I would cry over him having to make dinner.
CONTROL
I didn't have any. I could not control what we were having to eat, when we were going to eat it, or control over any situation currently happening. I just don't have the energy to be bothered.
The Silence has been very lenient on the spanking side of things, and I have only had a few taps on the rear for breaking some rules. Even with that, I just lay there and let him spank. No arguing, no moving...complete surrender to his authority...
(Well, lets just say it is complete surrender to his authority and not say it is just because I don't have the energy to move)
Anyway, back to the CONTROL issue...
Currently most things in the house are decided by The Silence. Have been since I first got sick on Sunday. Nothing that I would normally decide or do, has been decided or done by me.
Next Day:
Didn't post this yesterday, got as far as I did and then the brain went into overdrive.
The Silence, since I was feeling better this morning decided to do 'The List' sometimes I hate that list. I was feeling good, but not since doing the vacuuming. Now I will need a nap to build back up the energy it took to swing that horrible machine around the floors.
I feel like I am standing on a precipice reading to topple over. The Silence has been rather lenient over the last week with me being sick. And I have appreciated it...sort of.
I think what I need is a darn good spanking. There have been things that I should of been doing and have not. There are rules that I have not always remembered to obey. Just little things that I know are rules, but somehow they have been forgotten.
Yes, I have been sick. But there have been times during the day that I have remembered what I am supposed to have done, and have ignored that little voice that says
'Hey, you have not done ------. You are going to be in trouble if he finds out'
And my answer to that has been
'meh'
I have neither had the energy or the submission enough to say 'oh yes, I must do that'
Hence the reason I feel like I am waiting to topple over that precipice. I put myself there, no one else has. But after a week of not being in control of anything, disobeying a few well laid out rules in an effort to control something I feel like I am heading for a meltdown on the obedient/submissive wife role.
I am still not well, and this weekend, starting tonight was meant to be a weekend of learning about obedience and submissiveness. We were going to put it off until next weekend so that I was 100% well.
I told The Silence this morning that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, and needed this weekend to get my own head back on track. Regardless of whether I am feeling well or not, this has to be done.
Before I jump and all hell breaks loose.
It has been a hard week of being..well...useless...I guess. And not in control.
Here is hoping that come Monday morning all things will be back to normal.
The Silence has had to go to work and come home and cook the evening meal as well. This is something that I have found hard to deal with.
And...I don't cry often. Hardly ever before we started on this journey.
Two nights ago I cried because I just did not have the energy to do dinner, and that was day five of this dam flu. The Silence came home and started doing cheese toasties just before he was due to head out the door again.
I hated it.
Not the cheese, tomato and onion toastie he made...I hated the fact that he had to do it. And I cried about it.
This flu has let my defenses down more than I would like to have them down at the moment. I feel like an emotional mess. This morning he said something to me that made me cry too. I felt offended by what he said, which by the way was really nothing to get offended over. And I cried...seriously I hate this flu!!
CONTROL
I didn't have any. I could not control what we were having to eat, when we were going to eat it, or control over any situation currently happening. I just don't have the energy to be bothered.
The Silence has been very lenient on the spanking side of things, and I have only had a few taps on the rear for breaking some rules. Even with that, I just lay there and let him spank. No arguing, no moving...complete surrender to his authority...
(Well, lets just say it is complete surrender to his authority and not say it is just because I don't have the energy to move)
Currently most things in the house are decided by The Silence. Have been since I first got sick on Sunday. Nothing that I would normally decide or do, has been decided or done by me.
Next Day:
Didn't post this yesterday, got as far as I did and then the brain went into overdrive.
The Silence, since I was feeling better this morning decided to do 'The List' sometimes I hate that list. I was feeling good, but not since doing the vacuuming. Now I will need a nap to build back up the energy it took to swing that horrible machine around the floors.
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| Um..no...... |
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| More like this.... |
I think what I need is a darn good spanking. There have been things that I should of been doing and have not. There are rules that I have not always remembered to obey. Just little things that I know are rules, but somehow they have been forgotten.
Yes, I have been sick. But there have been times during the day that I have remembered what I am supposed to have done, and have ignored that little voice that says
'Hey, you have not done ------. You are going to be in trouble if he finds out'
And my answer to that has been
'meh'
I have neither had the energy or the submission enough to say 'oh yes, I must do that'
Hence the reason I feel like I am waiting to topple over that precipice. I put myself there, no one else has. But after a week of not being in control of anything, disobeying a few well laid out rules in an effort to control something I feel like I am heading for a meltdown on the obedient/submissive wife role.
I am still not well, and this weekend, starting tonight was meant to be a weekend of learning about obedience and submissiveness. We were going to put it off until next weekend so that I was 100% well.
I told The Silence this morning that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, and needed this weekend to get my own head back on track. Regardless of whether I am feeling well or not, this has to be done.
Before I jump and all hell breaks loose.
It has been a hard week of being..well...useless...I guess. And not in control.
Here is hoping that come Monday morning all things will be back to normal.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Sick, Distancing Daisy and Control
Yep, it is summer time and I have the flu...seriously? It is summertime! Who gets the flu in summer? April through to October is Flu season!
I should of known...I always get grumpy...er, a day or two before I actually get sick. It is like a warning sign that I constantly ignore. Though this time I did mention to The Silence that I felt like I was PMS'ing and I should not of been. Never even crossed my mind that I was getting sick.
The weekend was not a good one, with Distancing Daisy parking up on our front lawn and moving in on Saturday afternoon.
I have not distanced for a long time, so I think she should of just kept on driving past and found somewhere else.
It was over a point that I though made perfect sense:
That sometimes, when The Silence is wrong (or I perceive that he is wrong) he appears to put the blame and everything else back onto me.
And in some cases he is right to do so.
But I hate excuses. Don't stand there and try and back peddle to dig yourself out of a hole that you have dug yourself.
Anyway, we sorted that one, by me saying that he has every right to change his mind as Hoh, and that is fine, but don't hand out excuses, just say
'As Hoh we are doing it this way' or that way, or whatever way you like...just don't make excuses.
That is what caused the distancing this time around..and to be honest, the feeling of loss of control over situations too.
I thought I was past that stage of thinking about control. Obviously not :(
In some ways, because of what I say and do when it comes to some issues, I am still very much in control, and when The Silence changes his mind etc, then I find myself struggling to maintain that control. Suddenly, I do not have it anymore.
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| Pretty isn't it? The nasty little thing it is..... |
I guess eventually control will lost the battle and I will be the submissive, obedient wife...oneday :)
Pity like this natural remedy for the flu that there was not one for distancing and control
(Please forgive me if this post does not make sense, has missing words or spelling mistakes. Brain is very much not working today at all, and I am starting to wonder if it ever will again)
Hugs, and may you all catch that dangling carrot, and be spank free
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Exercise Machines and Kettle Bells
When we first started ttwd/dd I thought only of our marriage. Changing the dynamics of our relationship and having my husband as Head of the House.
I knew it would change us.
What I did not know at the time was how much it would change me. The way I act and react, the way I love, the way I feel about submission, the way I now think twice...well most times.
What I did not count on changing was my appearance.
Before ttwd/dd I wore nice clothes, made sure I looked tidy and that was about it. I ate when I wanted to and ate what I wanted. Whether it was healthy or not.
Yes I wanted an exercise machine long before this thing we do. But I wanted it only to get fit.
Now, I use it so that my body can be the best that it can be for my man, for my Hoh. I want to have that tight rear and stomach. Be of a 'nice' size. I want him to look at me and know that what he is looking at is good and is his.
I want this for myself.
Ttwd/dd has changed the way I think about myself. My low self esteem, though there still in some areas has changed. The way I see myself is different.
Once when I looked at myself in the mirror, which I avoided when I could, all I could see was an over weight, forty something woman in whom there was no hope. There was nothing about my body to love.
Someone had stolen that young, slim, reasonably good looking woman of my younger years. What I had now was my lot. I felt fat and ugly and wondered daily what The Silence could see in me to love - my flabby belly? My fat legs? My lunch lady arms? My sagging chin? My fat (but spankable) rear?
I know that he loves me for who I am. He must do...he is still with me!
My thinking has changed - helped along by The Silence insisting on me eating breakfast and lunch. Something that I fought against at the start. Now, I cannot wait for him to wake in the mornings just so we can have breakfast together...give me that cereal and give it to me now! (Obviously food orientated, though I do enjoy spending that breakfast time with him)
I still don't love my body. But my thinking has changed. I can and will do something about this. I can change. I wont be the slim young girl of my youth or early married years - before children. But I can be slimmer and tighter, fitter...(we have the technology to rebuild you, make you faster, stronger, better...remember that program. You would be showing your age if you can :)
That is how ttwd/dd has changed one part of me :)
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| Look closely at the exit...that is currently me after time on the exercise machine! |
Hugs! And may you day be spank free and that dangling carrot a bit closer! - mine isn't :(
Friday, 1 February 2013
Friday Funnies..(because we all need a laugh sometimes)
Yes..that would be true...
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| Yes...daily... |
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| hmmmm...... |
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| Ummmm....yes....... |
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| Quicker to fix it yourself sometimes.... |
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| Usually followed by 'I will see you in the bedroom OTB' |
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| Bad idea...really, really bad idea.... |
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| Found him!!!!!! |