I was not going to blog today, as I have much to do ... you know, housework.
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, and I am really trying hard not to whinge, whine or complain about anything.
I am trying really hard to accept what is...what is. That is, will always be like this.
That my nature, as hard as I strive for obedience and submission, will always be in control.
It is a fight that I fight everyday..to hand over that control, to be obedient and submissive. It is a fight that sometimes I feel like giving up.
Like this morning. I told The Silence that this is just not happening.
Most of you know that I have/had been sick for nearly a month now, and still not feeling quite right. The Silence in his wisdom has been extremely lenient.
Perhaps to much.
Strange how fast you get used to this lifestyle. Basically a month without it, and all hell is breaking loose.
Because you see, I have tasted what this can be like, I have seen the benefits, the pro's and con's..and I want it back. Impatience I guess.
What I don't want right now is the confusion of where I stand regarding the 'house rules'. Confusion at the moment has free reign in the house, a bit like the Sassy Sassy....probably more like the bratty bratty if one has to be honest with oneself.
Being lenient is not good..not for me anyway. I know this. I feel like we are back at the beginning again, trying to find our feet...give me an inch and I will take a mile...human nature sucks sometimes. Even being aware of it, does not help.
I am envious of the posts that I read where they know that these are the rules, and if you deviate from them this is going to happen...period. No compromise, This is it, this is how it is going to be.
I long for that.
And yet, sometimes I fight him on the punishments. I wont go over OTB when asked...I wanted this lifestyle, I want to obey, I want him as Hoh..then why the hang is it sometimes so hard to just do what I know I am supposed to do?
It has been a week of 'where do I stand' 'can I do this' 'will I ever change' 'can I be the person he deserves' 'I want to give him my all..be owned' Well, I guess you all know how far the mind can go when questioning yourself.
And in the midst of this is the inconsistency. And in the midst of that consistency is the fact that I know that when we first started this is was by mutual consent. I also know that in the midst of this, I relinquished that consent solely to him after the first big meltdown I/we had when it was decided that he would be in total charge, that we were doing this for life, no choice from me. This was working, and it was going to stay.
And in the midst of all that I am questioning myself, wondering if I am worth it. The Silence says I am, that he loves me unconditionally, wants this as it has helped us so much. But then..the inconsistency creeps in, I start taking back the control, not knowing where I stand. And start wondering if he is sick of me...sick of the struggle that I have with obeying..being submissive.
I know that it is hard to be an Hoh..it comes with its own problems. I know he tries...oh for goodness sakes, this post is all over the place and I have no idea of what I am even trying to say.
Trying to get my head in the right place...and failing.
I know that it is not him..not all of him anyway. I know that it is me.
I do want this. I am just tired of the struggle. Tired of being OTB and getting up and being only in the place of ..anger..not taken to that place of submissiveness, and the next time, the same thing happens. And the frustration and anger just keeps building.
I think, no...I know...I need a darn good spanking to put me back into that place where I so want to be.
If you have read this far, then I admire you. Sorry it is all over the place.
I completely understand and am there with you. Nothing helpful unfortunately except to keep trying to inching forward. It is better than going back right? Remember what it was like before DD? Yes, better to keep inching forward.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Blue Bird
Hi Blue Bird
DeleteYes it is better than going back :) I guess I need to take those inching forward steps one day at a time.
Thank you for commenting :)
Hugs
I wonder if a comment from a man would help? As a bit of background, I would like a DD lifestyle, but my wife is not enthusiastic about it.
ReplyDeleteHave you told The Silence that you want to be overcome, to be beaten long and hard enough to take you to that place of submission where you want to be? If not, why not? And if you have told him, what is his reaction?
I am not very sympathetic to very controlling people and certainly don't want to be one myself. I like to let things happen as they will. I have to make a schedule of housework for my wife to follow or she doesn't clean the house; and since I am a laissez faire kind of man I let it slide quite a lot before enforcing it. Could your Silence be like that perhaps?
If my wife is not seeming to care for me or what I want of her, I tend to lose interest in our relationship and in her personally. In our case, and perhaps in many others, love is not unconditional and has to be fed with care and good deeds, otherwise it wilts. Sooner or later, it becomes intolerable for me and I have to take some energetic steps, but I am always reluctant to do that.
A woman must have a certain amount of gumption, must develop strength of her own, if she is to be comfortable submitting, or even to be able to submit at all. It's paradoxical, but the submitters are usually the strong ones - unless they have quite given up on life and have to be completely dependent, and most men won't want that. Most successfully submissive bloggers are, it seems to me, pretty strong self-confident women. If your self-confidence happens to be at a low ebb just now, you may well find it difficult to submit, as part of you will be struggling to assert itself and you will experience conflict and you will then want to lean on The Silence for him to sort it out. He may just not be feeling like exerting himself to that degree. Life does go in cycles, or at least waves - ups and downs, and they have to be ridden out with as much equanimity as we can muster!
Thanks Malcolm, I don' t know if it helped Hez, but you gave me something to think about.
DeleteHaving problems replying to you Malcolm under your comment so will have to do it here.
DeleteThank you for taking the time to post the comment. It has certainly given me food for thought for the next few days. You have an excellent insight! Once again, thank you very much for your comment.
Hez, being sick myself for so long, I know how you feel, and my Hubby too backed off of the structure. We have been talking long and hard about it the last few days, and tonight I got quite the spanking. I know how you feel, and hope it gets better for you soon, and for us too! :) And most of all, I hope you and I both get better!!! :) {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteHey Es May
DeleteSo over being sick, as this is what started all this too. It seems strange to say that I am glad that you got your spanking...gosh that sounds bad! But hope that it has 'put you in that place'.
Hoping that for you too it gets better!
Many Hugs
Oh hunny sorry I'm late, got myself in to a bit of bother last night and got my phone took off me:(
ReplyDeleteOh god I so understand you, you know I'm going through a similar thing ;)
It's hard when you taste freedom for a while and then it's so hard to get back.
After my long post we talked, and I had to be honest and tell him I need him to step things up a lot for my mind set. It's been really hard this past week, I have been getting spanked every night :( it's all my fault and I do think he must be getting sick, but the more I push, the more his pushing back. It's helping.
Talk to him, tell him what you need, it's hard to take that step, because you know it will be hard, but once it's out in the open, you both know where you stand.
You know I have my problems with being submissive and brat a lot. He told me that he actually sometimes enjoys taking me in hand and putting me straight, yes sometimes he gets frustrated and that's when he really steps things up.
Chin up babe, I'm sure the silence knows you, if you talk to him, he will understand :)
Wish we has similar time zones, we could maybe talk and chat then :)
If you're about any time and see "me" come for a chat :)
Love and lots of hugs x
Thanks Missy, we have talked..and talked, and all that ever happens is 'good intentions' which last for a day to maybe two..then we are back to going around in stupid little circles.
DeleteI know I have my problems with being submissive and probably do brat too...and he knows this, but then chooses to let things slide, which of course, being who I am, I take that extra mile or sometimes two. So past the frustration of all this.
Anyway, I guess oneday we will make it Missy..oneday!
Hugs
Hi Hez, I feel for you , it is really difficult to maintain this lifestyle when life gets in the way, just take each day as it comes, slowly I guess. Btw I feel for Malcolm's wife cos' if you don't want this lifestyle and to be "beaten" into submission then surely it is abuse. Hope you have a better day Hez, love Janxx
ReplyDeleteHi Jan
DeleteLife is a pain in the rear sometimes! I do have to learn to be patient, not just with myself but with most things..an unfortunate trait that I have..and actually one of our rules..no impatience..sigh...
Yes, that did cross my mind too...
Hugs and hope that you have a great day too :)
Hez,
ReplyDeleteThe one statement in this that stood out to me was "am I worth it?" Does the S know that you ask yourself that? I can't answer many of the questions in this post b/c chores/rules are not really a part of our Dd. BUT--boundaries are and the change in consistency of those boundaries is always stressful. It takes a great deal of strength and self esteem to be submissive. YOU have to believe in yourself Hez. You are worth it. You are doubly worth it! Believe it, relax and stand inside his strength. I sometimes hug my hubby and tell him I'm sucking all the strength and energy out of him. He says he has enough for both of us. Your Silence does too, so hang onto him, let him soften you and slow down on some of these expectations you have of yourself--to get back to where you were etc. It'll all happen in good time.
Hi Susie
DeleteNever had really thought that it took strength and self esteem to be submissive, and you are right it does. Just at a low point at this stage I think with wanting to have clear boundaries that are just not happening. And you are also right, I am worth it :
Hugs
Hi Hez,
ReplyDeleteHave not commented here before but you wanted to do so today because of what you are going through. Your struggles mirror some of ours. Submission does seem to come in waves at times doesn't it.
Talk to him let him know what you need, it certainly cannot make it worse. Since having a hysterectomy on the 6th of this month we had to put things on hold which made one feel safe and things did start getting out of control. After refusing bedtime Daddy did put me on the wall (still can't put pressure on my stomach) and gave me a belting. He talked me through it and one feels better today. Although it would be nice if it was not heeded to keep in the right mindset.
Anyway the point is maybe going too easy is not the right thing. They often think we are more fragile then we really are.
Hi Dancingbarez
DeleteThank you for taking the time to comment (and to read my jumbled thoughts )
We have talked, and yes things are about to change. I do think he thinks I am more fragile than I actually am..
Once again, thank you so much for your input, and here is hoping that we can both ride this wave
Hugs
It certainly sounds like you're feeling all out of sorts Hez. And personally, I think that's understandable. You've been sick and not feeling like yourself. And The Silence has stepped back a bit because of it. It sounds like it's time to take things back up a notch again, that's all. What we need today isn't necessarily the same as what we needed yesterday or what we'll need tomorrow. There's an ebb and flow to life and therefore to ttwd as well. Just let him know how you're feeling, what you need from him now, and go from there. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Grace
DeleteAs of tonight when he gets home, it is being taken up a notch. Thank goodness, because I doubt whether I could of stayed sane with anymore indecisions or inconsistencies!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment :)
Hugs
Sweetie, I can hear the frustration. I have been there, and I know exactly what you mean. I think one of the problems is that we commit to ttwd and then expect that everything will be okay. I know I did. It turned out to be nothing like my expectation, and on top of everything else, it was hard.
ReplyDeleteHard to stay in a submissive state of mind, and then irritated with myself for the irony in that I asked for this life in the first place.
I think if HoHs realized how important consistency is, they would be much more careful not to mess around with it. It is absolutely crucial as a TiH wife that you can depend on your husband's authority. Inconsistency makes me feel unsafe and unloved.
The only thing that has ever worked for us, is to talk about it. When I can't tell him what I need, I try to summon the strength to whisper it into his chest hair. Go to him, and tell him how you are feeling, with the goal of finding your submission in his arms. Be completely honest - I have learned the importance of that the hard way. These HoHs only have our reactions to go on.
That's the only thing that has ever restored my submission and his authority.
Hope things work out sweetie.
hugs
lillie
Hey Lillie
Delete'Hard to stay in a submissive state of mind, and then irritated with myself for the irony in that I asked for this life in the first place.'
Yes...yes...yes...yes...yes to all of the above. I really am going to get, um...ask The Silence to read these comments. Sometimes I think he just thinks that it is just me that gets frustrated.
Thank you so much for your, once again, sound advice. No idea what I would do without the insightful friends here in blogland
Hugs :)