Saturday 10 August 2013

Spanking - Controlling the Situation

I was speaking with Willie yesterday and we were talking about spankings and what goes along with it, when I typed to her:

 'plus he is now changing the implements while spanking, so I never know what is actually coming anymore, which also changes the way I think and try and control the situation..'
And that was one of those 
Moments.......


'Control the Situation'

Hmmmmmm


And I do...never realised it before. Not until I typed that out to Willie did it suddenly dawn on me that even while over the bed I am trying to control the situation.

I control how much I am going to give in. I have no control over what The Silence uses, or how many swats he gives. 

But I am in control over my emotions. Over all those things that go through my head while OTB or OTK. 

So.....how does one give up those emotions and stop being in control?

Is it as easy as thinking to yourself 'Give in'?

No, I don't think it is...

Not without giving up or changing the way you think.

Willie in her last post (http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/running.html?zx=620a9fd5d640dee8 (I hope that works, if not look up Barney married Wilma) said that we cannot change or blame our past (and I agree) but the way the past has shaped us has a lot to do with the way we now react to life. Particularly DD/TTWD.

And our past does shape us. We cannot deny our past. We cannot blame each thing on our past either. But it has shaped us into what we are today.

We are a product of our upbringing.

I know growing up, it was a necessity to be strong.  Emotions were kept in a tight reign regardless of the situation. You never gave in. To give in meant that you could end up being in a worse situation that you were currently in, you never showed a weakness. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. 

Trust just did not exist, except for the trust that you had in yourself.

It is this that I have to give up. 

The trust that I have in myself...it is the trust that I have to put into The Silence.

And that thought is scary...because in effect I am having to 'give up my past' and build a whole new way of thinking. And this is going to take time. It will not be an overnight change, nor will it be an easy one.

So...while it looks like I am being compliant in a discipline situation, I am actually not. That lightbulb moment was a real eye opener.

To sum it up...I have to let go.

I have to learn to trust not only The Silence, but myself.

I have to trust that The Silence is always going to be there. Funny thing is that he always is at the end, ready to hold and love me and tell me it is ok. 

What it boils down to is me...trusting me.

There are times when I completely baffle The Silence as he swats away thinking to himself that this is not normal...that I should be squirming and crying or doing something by now instead of just laying there.

But you see, I am not giving in.

Oh I know I deserve this, I know I should just let go...I know all that. 

But my thinking is that 'I have to be strong'

Sometimes those spankings hurt like hell (excuse the expression) but I still hang on out of some warped sense of being the strong one, not giving in, not showing a weakness, of staying in control.

Now how daft is that?

Well it is now time to move on, into the day. Stay tuned for part two of this after I have done some more thinking and searching for answers.

May you have a spank free day!

Hugs :)
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10 comments:

  1. Aimless Rambling10 August 2013 at 09:21

    Don't you just love those light bulb moments?

    Good luck on the forward journey.

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    Replies
    1. Hez10 August 2013 at 13:31

      Hey Sunnygirl,

      Yep, got to love those light bulb moments...

      Delete
  2. willie10 August 2013 at 12:04

    Um, disclaimer, my post really isn't about control...it is more about me shutting down so no need to rush over there and read that drivel...lol.

    Now about your post....I can't agree more. I discovered the 'why's' of why I can't let go, how I control myself during a spanking too. It mostly stems from me tending to myself as a young girl emotionally, and that continued as I grew up.

    I remember once months ago a friend said to me, "maybe you just have little dog syndrome Willie"...I think she was right. I was always proving I could handle this or that. AND in addition to that,( as I mentioned on Stubborn and In Love's post)control has a way of bulldozing out other emotions. It won't let anxiety, hurt, and well fear come to the surface. Funny how you fear loosing control, but control is actually a way to keeping fear at bay.

    Together we'll figure this out my friend. Probably at the same time, just like everything else we seem to do. Funny how we are mirrors of each other. You in the Southern Hemisphere and Me in the North. Our toilets flush in different directions, yet the 4 of us seem to end up going in the same direction at the same time!

    Love ya
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Hez10 August 2013 at 13:55

      Hey Willie

      No your post is not about control, but it does contain a paragraph about the past... Well worth reading your post and I recommend people to go and read it. It contains a lot of insights :)

      Proving what we can handle is what seems to led to a lot (in myself) of controlling situations. A Wonder Women syndrome. Just for once it would be nice to ignore all those inbuilt instincts and just let go.

      You are right...we will figure this out. If you figure it out first can you let me know?

      Flushing toilets in different directions...love that!

      Love ya too Willie, without your chats sometimes life would be so...normal :)

      Delete
  3. MrBBSpanker10 August 2013 at 13:09

    We were just having a conversation today in The DD Chat Room that touched on this same subject. There comes a time when a TiH has a moment when they realize they need to go through a feeling of surrender. But ironically enough, it's not surrendering to their HoH, but to themselves.
    If someone truly has the need inside to submit, be submissive, acquiescent, supportive or a TiH in any way they first need to find that inside. It can sometimes take a long time before coming to the realization that surrendering to their own inner needs first is what makes everything else become a reality.
    Wonderful post Hez!
    # MrBBSpanker

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    Replies
    1. Hez10 August 2013 at 14:07

      Hi Mr BB

      Thank you

      I think I have finally reached that point where I know I have to surrender. Now to actually get there. Heaven knows that at the moment I get enough opportunities to practice that surrendering of myself.

      I am actually looking forward to just giving in...submitting to myself and to The Silence. I think up until now, most of it has been head knowledge, with a longing in my heart and spirit to surrender. Now knowing what I have learnt in that light bulb moment it should be easier to completely surrender to myself and to him.

      Hez

      Delete
  4. Unknown10 August 2013 at 15:50

    I do have to say that, when I read your post, the first thing that struck me was that it doesn't appear to have as much to do with control issues as with the realisation that DD isn't about following a predetermined schedule of predictable stages, or 'spanking by numbers' but about meeting the needs of the individual couple in the individual circumstance.

    Once you move away from the relative comfort of a predictable place in which an infraction can be weighed against its known DD 'cost' and identical spankings breed the contempt that comes with familiarity and into a place in which these things are controlled by your HoH's knowledge and recognition of your needs of the moment, you will find you are no longer in charge of what happens and that it is finally he who calls all the shots.

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  5. an English Rose10 August 2013 at 18:02

    Hi Hez, I suppose that now you know what you have to do maybe it will be easier to do it. Here's hoping anyway. It is so hard to let go of who we are though so I imagine that it is not going to be simple.
    love Jan.xx

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  6. Es May10 August 2013 at 22:27

    OH, those moments when we realize there is yet another step to giving up control, LOL. Just when you think you're there, there is another layer. Oih. :) But the Silence seems like one great man to keep giving your control over to. Don't worry about how long it takes you to give up control, the thing is, you're working on it, day by day, and one day you'll look back surprised at how far you have come. :) I think we'll always be fighting to give up some control or another, something will always pop up that we will want to take over, challenge, face head on, and we'll have to be reminded to step back. But the great thing is the journey. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  7. Sarah11 August 2013 at 14:05

    It's those light bulbs that change the darkness into light. I'm anxious to read more about your journey!
    :)
    Ps, Willie cracks me up - her toilet talk made me chuckle.

    ReplyDelete

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