So Much to Say

There is such a lot to write about...and no good place to start. I have been so busy lately that blogland has had to have taken a back seat to everything else. I apologise for not catching up with you.

Lots of 'things' have been happening here, so much so, that even the thought of coming here to write has had no appeal. So much to say.

We recently decided on a four week break from ttwd, after a meltdown that I had. It had nothing to do with consistency but then everything to do with it. The Silence has been consistent for quite a few weeks now, but in my fragile state of trust it only took one night of inconsistency for me to lose it. That sorted with communication, new things in place and we started a new week. 

Only I still had not forgotten or forgiven.

My body became a  NO GO zone. No looking, no touching - don't even think about it. With the new things in place not actually happening and me going to bed extremely early each night - communication went right out the door and Distancing Daisy took its place.

During the week I took a step towards handing back some of the control that I had and I felt like he didn't care. In confusion and turmoil things just went from bad to worse when Friday night came round and HE thought it was time to have a snuggle and...well..you know...

Only Distancing Daisy had other ideas, and they certainly did not contain the thought of a nice snuggle up in bed. All hell broke loose. Things were said that should not of been said, spankings were administered with one swat being higher up than usual..and that was the end of that.

It was then that we decided that we would take a four week break to see if this really was for us. The Silence felt the next day that he had made a wrong decision in agreeing to the break...me, I just felt lost and still confused.

Sunday rolled around and we went off to church. Where I sat alternating between hurt, confusion, pride and anger. Pride being the biggest one of all.

It would of been so much easier to just hand him my wedding band right there in church and tell him that he could take a running jump somewhere. Oh how I hate myself for even thinking that. I was so hurt and confused.

At this stage I knew that we needed ttwd in our lives....I knew it, but pride in admitting that I was in the wrong was so strong. After church we went out with coffee with one of our 'adopted' daughters. Trying to act like all was ok, while trying to deal with her very real problems.

We had a stroll around the shops and it was not until later when we got home that The Silence said that he had to smile to several times as I asked 'Do you mind if we go here/there? Is that alright with you?' He smiled at it because he was thinking I have never asked before, and he was also thinking that we really needed ttwd in our lives, and that there was no way he was going to give it up.

I cannot even remember asking if we could go into shops...does this mean that my mind is now automatically thinking before doing? I wish it was so when it comes to the meltdowns.

Later that afternoon after much thought and the swallowing of a rather large lump of pride I went to him and told him that we needed to do this. He needed to be stronger, not to walk out of the room when things got tough, better to give me time out, than to walk out without saying anything to leave me thinking that he did not care enough to see it through.

He explained that when he does that, it is so he can get his own head together - I suggested bedroom time if that is the case. Just do not leave me there thinking the worse possible thoughts. 

So, we are back on again. We lasted less than 48 hours without ttwd.

We were like ships passing in the night. Silent with each other - there was nothing that we could say. It was horrible and I hope that we never go there again - EVER!

I never have been an emotional person. Perhaps I would have one meltdown a year. But since starting ttwd last October, I seem to have a volatile nature that blows its top at least once a month - only this month it has been twice.  I could blame PMS/horror moans etc, and I think part of it is just that. Geez I cannot wait for menopause....

I think a lot of the emotions are really based on how much control am I willing to give to over. I don't want it, but there are times when I recognise that I am very much in control...and I hate it. While I hate it, I am also afraid to let go...hence the meldowns. It is at those times that I feel extremely vulnerable and out of control of my own space. 

They talk about flight or fight mode...stupid me always goes into the fight mode. Just automatically, it just happens. It is before this point that we both need to recognise and deal with long before things get way out of hand. The Silence walking out is not a good idea - because I want to fight and he is really leaving me in control. I have to learn ways of letting go and not having a major meltdown.

Bedroom time is one of the options that was used on one of the nights that control took over and all common sense went out the window. While it did work, and I was quite ready to go OTB on return, The Silence was still at a loss and did not follow through. He had handed me back control again.

I know that this is a learning process for both of us, even 7 months on. It will be a slow process I think. Patience - something I am not good at all.

I want this to work, but I want it to work now - unreasonable, yes I know. I am working on be more patient and understanding. But unless you know The Silence well, it can get very frustrating going over and over the same things.

I don't know if any of this made sense - but it has been good to finally get something out on 'paper' I now have to go and start the Daily List, which now has more added to it to teach me more about obedience and submission. I don't mind. Unlike at the start where I hated that list, it has now just become part of my day. I also have an accountability space to fill out, so that The Silence knows what I have actually done during the day. Just because he is at work ttwd does not stop. That side of the list has gotten me OTB a few times now, not many, but enough for me to remember that I have to be the 'good wifey' even if he is not here.

I think it was Jill who had mentioned the accountability list. It has been a big help to me, teaching me that while he is not home and I have the freedom to do whatever I like, I am still answerable to a loving husband and Hoh.

Hugs peoples, and may your day be spank free.

Sorry Racing in to Post This...Before

Sorry, just popping in before OTB....

Yeah...well.........  :)

Phew..What a Week

Firstly my apologies for not being around for the last week or so.  Between having to deal with all the rain, fundraising for our daughter to go to Mozambique and major PMS'ing, or Horror Moans or whatever you want to call it, I have not felt up to blogging at all.

Also, I am very sorry, but blogger right now does not like me much, and I am unable to post a reply to most comments on my blogs. I would love too, but for some reason only half the page loads :(

The Silence has certainly stepped up to the plate over the last week. Not much 'getting away with it' going on in this house. Which is really good as now I know where I stand :)

I have now been spank free for three days! Not because I am good, just because I have no energy to be anything but a perfect Angel........another few days and that might change...

And...

The last two mornings I have stayed in bed!!! And once again that has nothing to do with being the obedient wife. It is just that 'this month' has been a bit over the top, so energy levels are right down, so staying in bed was a darn good option...once again, that might change in a few days. We will just have to see what happens. :)

I hope that you are all well. I am aware that once again I am way behind on everyones' blogs. I will try and catch up with you all over the next few days!

Hugs to you all

100th Post..come have some cake

This is my 100th post! So, I baked a cake...for all of us :)

mmmmm...that looks might fine! 

Help yourself :)

And on to more pressing business...

Yesterday was a spank free day!

Whoop whoop!!

Right up until bedtime when Miss Sassy Sassy decided to join us for a threesome :( I noticed though that she shifted pretty smartly when someone got a swatting.

And this morning got off to a good start with an OTB meeting due to the fact that once again Hez could not stay in bed.

But...or butt, take your pick..

He said to me this morning when I pointed out that he was going to miss his train that -

'That this was more important, that I was more important than catching a train, and that he could catch the next one'

Ok, that was sweet.

Once upon a time he would of just left for work, in fact in some cases, left early just to get out of the house.
I cannot remember a time when 'I' was more important. I am sure that there have been times, he has just never vocalised it.

It made me stop and think that this has changed us. A lot.

I do have to stop and look at what has changed. It is so easy to get caught up in what hasn't.

There have been very subtle changes that sometimes, like this morning, I just have not noticed. Changes to the way I think about doing things. Changes to the way I now shop. Changes to the way I used to do things..now I think first -

'What would The Silence do or say if I did this, or this, or this?'

I don't always stop and think of course... my halo isn't that far and shiny upon my head!

I feel like we have been doing this forever...this ttwd. In fact it is only since October 2012 - four months, which in some ways feels like a lifetime.

Ups and downs...oh yes! Anger and frustration...oh yes! Tears and happy moments...oh yes!

Do those happy moments out weigh the rest? Yes, in some areas they do.

There have been times when I have felt, like The Silence too I would imagine, that we are yo yos been rolled up and let out again and again. Or bungy jumpers, throwing ourselves off a perfectly good bridge into the unknown to swing back and forth, finally stopping to just hang, not going anywhere, then slowly let down to find our feet again.

Two guesses what HE is after......

 

No idea where this journey will lead us. Upwards and onwards I guess. There will be times when frustration will rear its' ugly head. Distancing Daisy no doubt will pay another visit and park her car on the lawn. Miss Sassy Sassy, I am afraid never goes far at all. I think she just hides in a cupboard somewhere in the house. And when she is sick of being in there, she comes out to play...unfortunately at the moment that is everyday.

Some days are like this

And other days like this

And that is the way it is :)

I hope you enjoy your virtual cake. 

Thank you for your support by reading, commenting and giving advice and sometimes a well needed laugh :)

Hugs and may your day/night be spank free!

The Health Benefits of a Good Nights Sleep

The Health Benefits of a Good Night’s Sleep ...Meh....

500 Word essay because I keep getting up earlier than sleepy head Hoh

A good night’s sleep has many benefits for health and beauty (hahahahaha). Lack of sleep can actually cause weight gain, as your metabolism slows down, according to research. Lack of sleep also affects your moods and your body’s time clock as well. Not sleeping well increases the need crave more sugary foods which of course does not help with weight gain.

Concentrating at a decent level is also gained when your body has enough rest to refresh itself. Thus making it easier, and better for you to make informed decisions. Being tired does not help get rid of Miss Sassy Sassy.

Apparently, having a good night’s rest also is better for your sex life according to researchers in a 2010 sleeping poll. Twenty to thirty percent of men and woman researched said due to sleeplessness their sex and family life was at an all time low. Oh dear...Maybe they should try this thing we do, I hear that sex has a record of improving...nothing to do with sleeplessness at all. The wife just needs a darn good spanking....

Apparently a good mattress and a good romp before sleep will improve the overall effect of getting that elusive shut eye...ok, maybe not the romp...

Lack of sleep affects our health, life and longevity. The better the sleep the longer you will live and be healthier. Plus you will be able to concentrate more on being the submissive and obedient wife that you are trying to be.

A good night’s sleep reduces stress and makes you more alert...the world needs more lerts....

Napping during the day is not only effective and refreshing; it can also protect your health and make you more productive. A study of 24,000 Greek adults showed that people who napped several times a week had a lower risk of dying from heart disease. People who nap at work have much lower levels of stress. Napping also improves memory, cognitive function and mood.

So Napping during the day is a good thing to be doing. Especially if you struggle at night time to keep that submissive head of yours on your pillow next to your Head of the Household.

Sleep is a time for your body to repair damage caused by stress, ultraviolet rays and other harmful exposures. ( harmful exposures could be construed as baring your butt for a spanking to your Head of the Household) Your cells produce more protein while you are sleeping. These protein molecules form the building blocks for cells, allowing them to repair damage. So all those spanks you have had on your rear that has caused soreness or dry skin will heal, thanks to the mighty protein molecules while you sleep!

So those are only a few reasons on why a good night’s sleep is beneficial. Not only for you and your family, but also for your Head (of the Household).

After a good night’s sleep you are more likely to follow through with instructions as your mind is clear, the protein molecules have done their magic, you are rejuvenated, you weigh less, are more beautiful, your sex life will be fantastic, you can concentrate on the Hoh lectures better.

Therefore, it is better to get a good night’s sleep

Question For Your Hoh...

So this post is a little strange as it is really not a post at all, but more of a question for your hoh to answer (or you can)

'What is the meaning of life?'     Oh wait, wrong question!!

It is this one that needs an answer!

What is your definition/meaning/role of an Hoh?

This is a question that has come up a bit in the last week..or two...maybe even three.  I guess it is called trying to find your feet....which seemed to have slipped a bit on the twdd/dd ground.

And...

I am tired of going around in circles...and I am tired of trying to find enough info on His role. and tired of going around in circles explaining and explaining and explaining 

So, I thought ...

'Why not ask?'

So I have.

And now I await all the wisdom that can be gleaned from all you wonderful friends, readers and followers here in blogland :)

I would prefer, if possible your Hoh to respond (even if you have to type it for them). I guess I am looking solely for a male/Hoh response since there is such a lack of males out here, or in here in bloggy land.

Failing the male response, I will take any insight I can get :)

Thanking you and your Hoh in advance :)