MADE IT!!!

I have made it!! Two days without the major over the bed spanking!!!! I am not counting Mondays one, as that was a carry over from Sunday.

That is two whole days!

Ok, so that does not count the quick swats for back chatting, or the OTK for minor distancing...I was still talking to him, from behind a pillow...so really it doesn't count as a major stuff up :)

The most surprising thing was, is that The Silence picked up on it. Immediately. It was a bit of a shock when he asked 'Are you distancing behind there?' This man of mine is a fast learner.

Oh, and I have said NO several times, but that earned me just a few pats OTK. Actually, slightly more than a few.

And...oh dear, this is sounding worse and worse as I sit here and type. Here I was thinking how wonderful I have been, when in reality, I have a feeling I have been getting away with more than I should have been :(

Right now I should be cleaning the ceiling fans as punishment for not getting out of bed and doing a 10 min stint in CT last night.

Seriously, who thought I had to get out of bed to do that when the night before I did it face down, arms on head, laying in bed....where I promptly fell asleep. Hence the reason why I was supposed to get out of bed to do it last night.  He did say to get out of bed to do it, I thought I had a choice, so I stayed in bed, and went to sleep :(

And he is still doing the silent counting (three times apparently).

Have you started yet?

Yes.

When you get to 8, do you start counting in halves and quarters?

No.

Well that is not fair!

I have finished counting.

Want to start again?

No, and you have ran out of time.

(thinking in my head...'Well, la de da, I am not a mind reader'!)

Can we start again?

I have  (such a patient man)

What number are you up to now?

8.

What? Already? But you have only just started! How fast do you count?

No, I started while you were still talking and you have once again ran out of time

How much CT have I done so far while I have been laying here quiet?

4 minutes. 

Is that all! Well, that means I only have 6 minutes left then. Have you started counting again?

Yes, and no, you have 10 mins left

Well, anyway you get the drift of the matter. Needless to say, if the daughter was not home, then I probably maybe, would of got a OTK goodnight butt kiss with his hand.

So, for obvious reasons, I have a punishment task to do...clean the ceiling fans.

There are only three fans, no biggy really.  (I tell you, by the end of this month our house will be able to win the cleanest house in the country award). Three, not much at all, maybe 30 mins work.
Then why are my toes dug into the floor boards, with that ever familiar rebellious feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach?
He has not added the normal things to The List, the everyday type of cleaning. Just the punishment one. So it is not as if it is extra work, if anything, I should be grateful that he has been so lenient.

I think I was born with this over rebellious/want to be in control trait. I think it probably starting growing the night I was conceived. There was a raging storm the morning I was born, so maybe that is to blame......
I know...I am trying to make excuses.

I want to be submissive, I want this DD lifestyle, so if that is the case, then why don't I just suck it up and get on with it?

Why is it so hard to keep the mouth shut and not bite back, or to do what is asked of me, or do the punishment tasks.

I do, do the tasks (including the punishment tasks) out of obedience to The Silence. They do get done, before he gets home, three hours before the deadline. So if I know that I am going to do them, why do I put myself through all this and not just get on with it?

Sometimes, human nature is such a complex web of emotions and sassy sassy sassy toes :(

All this aside, last night was a wonderful night where we just spent time together. The Silence did not walk away from me when my attitude started to suck. Whereas once a upon at time he would have, or I would have, and it would of left me angry and bitter inside and him hurt and wondering where he had gone wrong.
I love this man,. I love the way he took control, and we ended up with a fantastic evening together (other than the few swats on the butt to get his point across)
It was a time of loving, caring and being ourselves without ...without what? I don't know, it was just different, and amazing having that time together.

If this is what DD does, then I never, ever want to go back to the way it was before. EVER.

I might fight the rules and still backchat, be disrespectful when I should not be, be rebellious and still want to be in control, but right now, I would rather have the spankings and punishment tasks than to just go on from day to day the way we used too.

And lets face it...I am changing, slowly, but surely changing for the better. I must be, as I have gone two days without OTB time for anything major. Last week I was beginning to despair of that ever happening in this lifetime. So long as The Silence stays consistent, I should learn. Eventually.

Now I am going to clean the ceiling fans.

May your day be blessed and spank free :)

I own it...

I own it and I will take it like a woman!

'Can't we rethink this? An alternative punishment perhaps? You are not using that are you? You look so tired, maybe we can do this tomorrow? No? Are you sure? Ow owowow, no no no, stop, are we finished yet? no, stop.
Yep, just like that.  (no offence intended to anyone by the way)

Sitting rather gently at the moment after Sunday nights big slip up (now 1am on Tuesday morning, but once again had to wait for the girl to go out so we could 'administer the appropriate punishment' on Monday night, which was only a few hours ago)

Not a good idea to challenge The Silence's authority in front of your teenage daughter. Nope, not a good idea at all.(Cue Jaws music here) Not a good idea to be so peeved that you ignore him when he wants a cuddle, and you go to sleep after he says 'Ok that's fine' Because it is going to come back and bite you on the butt. (just like Jaws) He is not letting you off, he is just biding his time, because it is really late and he is tired. Not a good idea to call him a whinger, or a pussy (again...sigh), or to hit him with a pillow at the end of the 'time over the bed' or to snatch your PJ bottoms and storm off to the car either.  Or lose it a zillion times in the 11 minute ride to the pick up point for your teenage daughter.

Oh, or forget to complete 'The List'  which I am still waiting to find out the punishment for as The Silence decided that we would do an alternative punishment for that one. Doing this blog now, just in case I end up with no internet or laptop.

I put all this down here...and own it all. My fault entirely. Why is it that it is my mouth that just keeps getting me into trouble? Why is it that those sassy sassy sassy toes just keep on wiggling?

Why is it that The Silence took a page from someone else's blog and did what her husband does with the count up to ten...or else? AND he did it silently too,while I was standing in front of him asking him to tell me when he was going to start, so that I had time to think about it, and hand over what he wanted.
He was finished counting while I was still waiting for him to start...sigh...

Those silly endorphins too. They cause trouble. A whole lot of it.

When I am tired they seem to kick in. In droves. Invading my body, making me feel really good, like I could save the world. I become an untouchable....every part of me, except my butt.

I have a love/hate relationship with those endorphins.

But I am happy. Really, I am. I am happy, because slowly, just ever so slowly I am learning.

'With knowledge comes obedience' that is what I got from my Bible reading this morning. And it is true.
The Silence and I are communicating more than I think we ever had.

He first named the incident in front of our daughter as disrespect..and yes it was. But it was not until he said it challenged his authority did it actually sink in. Challenging his authority has been such a big issue since the day we got married. It really has meant nothing to me at all, until we started this DD lifestyle. Then when he said on Sunday night that I 'had challenged his authority in front of our daughter' my heart sank. It meant something finally. It meant that I had hurt him, that I didn't think he was capable. So yes, I own it...fair and square.

'With knowledge comes obedience' I can now stop, think and look at what I am saying in a situation where I could possibly be challenging that authority. I can learn from this (hopefully not too slowly) and we can move on.

I could type a whole heap more, not even sure that any of this makes sense as it is now 2am, and I should be in bed.

Going to be thinking more about the authority. Will have to store it in a box, in my mind, to take out and examine bit by bit, until I understand it completely. But for now, I will settle for sleep. The box is currently open, and it will still be that way when I wake in the morning.

Ramblings

I have called this post Ramblings, because that is probably all this is going to be. It is possibly all I can manage this early in the morning.

Sleep has always been an issue. Four hours at the most nearly every night, sometimes less than that. So by the time everyone else is up and ready to face the day, I am thinking dinner and bed, and that is only at 6.30am! So I guess blogging is something constructive to do to start the day.

Along with my daily Bible Reading and THAT Health Diary.

Still struggling with the Health Diary. The Bible Reading is going well, and no longer dig my toes in about that one. Some days it can be quite interesting.

Back to the Health Diary.
I never realised just how much I don't eat! I am a big person, bigger in weight than I should be for my size, so where is all that extra storage coming from?
I hate that Health Diary. I see the reason why The Silence wants it. But all it is showing me is how really, I don't take good care of myself.  Well, at least it has had its purpose then.

There are some days that I wish I could sit down and have a coffee with someone who also lives this lifestyle. Someone tangible, someone to pat your arm and say it is all going to be ok, have a chat and a laugh about some silly thing you did, commiserate with each other over the consequences of doing that silly thing. Go shopping....yeah, maybe not that one.

According to The Silence I had a 'melt down' on Thursday night over the back door (previous posts). I thought it was a slight warming up, not a melt down. But apparently it was. Though I did not yell, I certainly had a raised voice. Well yes...I did. But it was not a melt down. Well, ok, maybe it was. I thought I did so well. Took myself off to bed to stew sleep..oh wait. That is distancing. And because our daughter did not go out last night, Thursdays meltdown and distancing accountability had to be put off to be dealt with today. Along side last nights verbal slip ups.
I tell you, it is not a good idea to say 'whatever' to the HOH when he is talking about one of the D's....um, Disrespect I think it was at the time.

I have a dairy all these 'misdemeanour's' are written in. The Silence has a phone app. There is a list there with my name on it, that he add 'things' to. I feel so special :)

He suggested a short walk last night. What he considers to be a short walk is actually a long one. I don't care what he says, 45 mins is a long time! Anything over 15 mins is a long time. Tis ok, though. I managed to turn us around somehow and head in the right direction of home, only because I thought he might of got lost on that long straight stretch of road from our house to his intended destination. This of course, will only work once. He might be a bit wiser next time.
Actually it was not that bad. It was a nice evening for a hike stroll. When we got back I told our daughter that if her Dad ever suggested a short walk, pack a lunch. She will need it.
It did give us a chance to talk without being over heard by teenage radar.

Well I guess I have rambled enough. Dawn has snuck quietly over the house, darkness has been pushed back. The birds are singing, the frogs are still chirping away in the garden, a last minute ditch to attract a mate before the sun rises. Hmmm, maybe I could go and chirp outside our bedroom door....no, not a good idea. The Silence is not a morning person at all.

Under the Mountain

There is a calm acceptance this morning.

There is no anger left. I have had many hours thinking things...

I feel like I am under a mountain, and each day, a small part of the mountain is chipped away.

It is going to take awhile as there are only small chips falling. With each small chip that falls, there is just that more submissive feeling, moving from head to heart.  More willingness, more acceptance.

Once the silence that surrounded me protected me from hurts. Now I am waiting for The Silence to keep chipping, to find me, under the mountain, waiting and willing to be the person I should be to him.

It is hard for The Silence too. He is the one that has to swing that which brings each chip down off the mountain. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am able to chip away from the inside.

But then the space I have created gets clogged with little chips, which have nowhere to go. I stumble over them. Fight them to move them. Some days there is no room to move, and in frustration I bang my heart and soul on those stupid little chips that just won’t move.

The Silence hears me, but does not understand.

The space that I control is so very small, it is warm in here, dark and safe. Sometimes there is light, just a tiny speck that calls me forward, I reach out but trust quickly disappears. The light is suddenly blocked by another chip that has fallen.

Sometimes the chips just disappear, I have no idea to where. This leaves more room to move, and more room to make mistakes. More room for more chips to clog the way.  It seems never ending. I chip from the inside, The Silence chips from the outside, eventually we will meet and he will be able to take my hand and lead me out.

It is a very big mountain, it is going to take a very long time. 

Anger and Distancing :(

I am angry.
Angry that he is now asleep, and I am awake. Angry that he did not step on the distancing when I first went to bed. Angry that now he says it will be dealt with in the morning, when I said into the darkness that I was sorry. Maybe he realised I wasn't, but I wanted to be the submissive wife, let him know that I was sorry, that I was trying. That I was trying to be sorry.
Angry that I am angry at myself. Angry that everytime I drop off to sleep I wake with a start knowing that there are un-dealt  with issues hanging in air, polluting the very air we are breathing.

I want to know his forgiveness, and his arms around me. This emotion..., it is foreign, and I don't know how to deal with it.
We didn't hug or pray together. The night is not complete.

It was not his fault, it was mine. I should know when to stop. But I don't. The boundaries keep changing when in fun we are talking or just being silly.  So I push and push to see how far I can go. There is no demarcation line.

Then I got angry about something that I cannot even remember. I went to bed angry, mentally pushing him away. Not trusting myself to speak or look at him.

I should not of got angry when I got up and found the back doors unlocked after I had locked up for the night. I didn't get angry like I used too.
This is a quiet anger, that is just simmering underneath. I didn't lose it and yell like I have in the past. I just held my breath, and went into a deeper place of distancing. It is safer there, or that is the lie I am telling myself. As I know it hurts both of us.

I am on that raft that is drifting out to sea with me on it. While he stands on the shore and watches. He could of said something before he went to bed. But he kept his silence. The Silence being silent.

And now that I have all this down I realise that nothing has changed. And it wont until the morning when he said that he would deal with it then.

I wish that we could have just one day, one night where I don't go wrong. This DD is hard. There are no easy roads to take ...

But I can't go back. WE can't go back. The old way of living seems so ....different. I wonder now how on earth we managed. And even in my anger tonight, right now, I love him more than yesterday.

Morning for him is six hours away. He will sleep and dream the dreams of the forgiven, while I try to turn the distancing raft around and head for shore and The Silence that is waiting there.

The Silence's (HOH) Hidden Talents.

Ok, so we are now two weeks down into our new lifestyle.

I have been married to this man of mine for over 20 years. He is now just starting to show some amazing talents, that he has kept hidden all those years.

He has a talent for turning 75 lines into a larger, magical number. Of course I am his assistant in this.

He has a talent for managing to put his wife (who weighs more than him) over his knee, while he is still standing, in the kitchen, before she even knows what is happening. I am his assistant in this too.

He can transport his wife and himself to the bedroom, while the wife is back peddling with lightening speed too. He does this so fast, it is like time travel. One minute he is in the bathroom and the next he is sitting on the bed with his wife OTK. Once again, I am his assistant in this too.

He also has this amazing talent of making things alright. Of giving good, long hard hugs after the event has finished, showing forgiveness and love. I also assist with this.

He also has a talent for being quiet while his wife is in CT. Sneaky, invisible. I am his assistant too in this pastime.
(Beginning to think he should be paying me for all this assistance as it is almost a full time job)

I am waiting (albeit with some trepidation) for the day when he shows other talents. Talents that he could get from other peoples posts.
All these I could be an assistant too. (seriously the money could be rolling in)

May your day be blessed and spank free!

Gender Benders..WHAT????

'Have you got the gender, bender?'

Pardon?

'Have you seen the gender bender, I need it'

The what? asked with a blank look. Hey, HOH, there is your clue right there....

'The gender bender plug'

Second clue coming right up....I am starting to lose patience with trying to work out what the hang a gender bender is....

'The gender bender, you plug it in'

Ok, right now I can almost be 100% certain, like me, you, that are reading this are wondering the same darn thing....
Clue three coming right up...

WHAT IS A GENDER BENDER!!!!!!!!

'The double plug, what you use to recharge with. English on one side, Asian on the other'

The DOUBLE PLUG? THE ADAPTOR!?

'Yes, it is called a gender bender'

UM ...yeah, where you work maybe....but not in my lifetime have I ever heard it called a gender bender!

Well, apparently being frustrated and raising your voice in THAT tone is not a good idea. As I found out tonight with the hurriedly made new implement. Something about disrespect and raising in the voice...well, hello!

Nor is it a good idea to call the HOH a pussy while you are still in the 'position'. Nor is it a good idea to laugh you head off after saying it.

Oh well you live and learn. And today I learnt that a gender bender looks nothing like the picture I had that was going  through my mind at the time.