The Sassy Wiggle

I have never been an eye roller...I leave that to The Silence, even though he says he does not...he does...often.

I have been a 'whatever' person. Though that got a short shift by the introduction of a wooden paddle and even more time spent with my nose in a corner.

Now we have the 'Sassy Wiggle' Which has nothing to do with this lot.....

It is more like this:

And the Hoh is starting to notice other little 'Sassy' moves.

The Sassy Wiggle

The Sassy Face

The Sassy 'hmmm'

The Sassy Toes

The incredibly Sassy Fingers

Oh sheesh, there is far to much 'Sassy' in my life at the moment. No wonder the Hoh is getting used to recognising them all. 

All of them getting put to rights under the new implement from Willie..(thanks Willie)

Hugs to all and may it be a spank free day!

Why Taking Back Control is not Good For Us

Why Taking Back Control is not Good for Us

Yet another essay

(It means that: 1 – I get a spanking, 2 – I end up having to write a 750 word essay)

My husband is the leader of the home. Not just within our marriage dynamics but also biblically.

When I take back control I am undermining his leadership and without meaning to subconsciously rebelling against him in his leadership role. This makes him feel like he is inadequate as a leader and husband in the home. This in turn causes disharmony within the relationship.

Being submissive/obedient to my husband makes him feel loved and contented (at least I think it does). When I take back control, I am upsetting the balance that we have strived to reach. It cause disharmony between the both of us.  It takes a while to get back to where we should be. Sometimes taking back that control is very subtle (like a snake in long grass).

Yeah, I know it is a cat..but it was so much cuter than a snake

But in case you want the real deal.....

 It goes un-noticed for awhile before suddenly full blown ‘control’ issues are seen. Through the gradual build up over a period of hours or days of undermining my husband’s authority, I find myself in a position of having to relinquish once again control back to him. The longer the ‘snake in the grass’ gets away with its subtle take over, the harder it is to get back on track.

This leaves my husband feeling frustrated and a bit lost with what has actually happened. In fact, to be honest, sometimes the ‘take over’ is so subtle that even I have not noticed until all of a sudden the penny drops and I realize what has been happening – sounds silly I know, but it does happen. 

This situation is not good for either of us – obviously.

It takes us back to the one step forward and two steps back scenario. Though my husband has been more of an HoH in the last month than ever before, and we are certainly going ahead, there is always the potential of those control issues getting out of hand and turning into those ‘meltdown’ moments. When this happens, figuratively speaking-all hell breaks loose. This takes us back almost to square one (and a very sore rear).

Submission is an act of the will. I am willing – but human. Sometimes those human ‘emotions’ get in the way. Especially when nowadays the equality of men and woman is taught at every turn in the page of life. It is not easy giving that control to a husband when you feel that you are alone in this journey (except of course for those friends on blogger).

(Submission/obedience takes a strong person – not a weak person. Many people consider it to be demeaning and degrading.  It is those who do not understand, that despise a virtue they know nothing about. They are vocal about being against it, because in some ways, I think they wish the same but are just not strong enough to face up to it. Sorry if that offends you, it is just what I think. Submission is never forced on a person. It is the opposite of oppression. Submission is a gift of one to another. It is a gift that is given. Sometimes needed to be given daily or several times in a day when you find yourself on the verge of taking back that control)

Anyway, I think I have gone off track to the purpose of this essay of ‘Why Me Taking Control is Bad for us)...So, back on track we go. 588 words completed.

Darn...now I have lost my train of thought...with 168 words to go.... (Apparently this type of sentence should not be counted in the total word count in future)

Our house runs smoothly and happily when the dynamics are in the right place. The Silence as the HoH, and me as the submissive/obedient wife.  It doesn’t seem that hard to do...but in reality, though it does and is getting easier (in some areas) it is hard to do.  

Trying to take back control is destructive to our relationship. Or maybe that should read ‘taking back control’ instead of ‘trying’.

You know I could point out here that it is bad for my rear....

Nope still don’t have my train of thought back...this is what happens when your HoH is on the other side of the table listening to some monotone person talking on a video 

37 words to go....

I guess that really what it boils down to is this:

Good dynamics in an HoH/DD/Ttwd households relies on both the husband and wife being in the place where they should be.

The husband as the head and the wife in obedience/submission. And the last thing being, while it is not good for me to take back control......

We can both learn from our failures as well as our successes. 

Even if sometimes I feel like just doing this......

Just a Little Rambling Post :)

Three days away at an Internet Conference (yawn yawn) but it did mean that we were away from the house which was nice.

No spanking (or hardly any) and I did find out that it is no good saying 'You cannot spank me because people will HEAR' Because The Silence will attempt to spank anyway :(

New rules are afoot in the House of Hez! (Or should that be the House of HoH?)Some I keep forgetting, but that is ok as The Silence is there to remind me of them...sometimes daily.

It really is hard to keep track them...these new rules. Some deal with habits...like smoking.
Now only allowed to buy one packet per week...sigh. That is going to be a hard one as some weeks I am pushing for two and a half packs of tobacco (I roll my own).

The Silence has certainly found his niche as HoH.

If you have read my previous post about him going all HoH in the mall, then you might enjoy knowing that the words

'Excuse ME?'

came out of the HoH'y mouth at the conference. Ok, so I was peeved and walked on past him without saying anything. But we did get some looks when he said THAT loud enough for people to hear.

Last night when we finally made it home it was 'catch up spanking' from the things that happened while we were away. You know, those things that I said he could not spank me for as people would HEAR.
For some reason, his lecture seemed absolutely hilarious. I know, that sounds disrespectful...it is not meant to be. Honestly.

It was just that when The Silence said...

"I expect you to treat me with the most respect when we are out and about'

I just could picture one of our daughters teachers who considered interrupting to be...

'The absolute height of rudeness' (seriously, you have to have an English accent and speak in a posh voice to get this)

Well, The Silence said his piece in almost the same sort of voice...I found it funny, he did not. Oh well.

So ttwd is plodding along quite nicely right now. We seem to have found our places..hmm, some of us are still having problems in that area. Not telling which one of us though.

I have learnt this :

Then again, sometimes The Silence remains silent...this is probably the reason why...

Lucky 'crazy' does not happen often :)

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

COME BACK HERE!

Boss Day..last Saturday.

Picture if you will a busy mall, on a Saturday, on Easter weekend, school holidays...a VERY busy mall, the busiest on our side of the city...and the most popular one too.

Add into that picture a wife who is starting to get just a little frustrated with all of the crowds, not being able to find what she is looking for, and the 'interactive directions map' is ...well...crap.....

Go a little bit further into the picture and see the wife (the good submissive wifey) standing by her Hoh waiting for him to use the stupid interactive map and find the store they are looking for. Picture too, if you will, the Hoh looking up the wrong shop, walking away and letting someone else use the stupid crappy machine after spending a good five minutes getting the thing to finally work and then five minutes trying to find the shop in the list.

Add in (sorry hope you are good at adding in) a wife with an incredulous look on her face that her Hoh has looked up the wrong shop after all that time and has now handed his place over to someone else, and that good submissive wifey walks away when the good intentioned Hoh says that they can line up again and use the interactive machine for a second time.

And the good submissive wifey keeps walking....

'COME BACK HERE!'

Ah...What? It is in red and large for a reason...because that is how HE yelled it....in a mall, a busy mall (did I say that it was an extremely busy mall?)

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

OK, so he got all HoH'ee....which is good (I guess) but in a MALL?????

I would like to point out here that the rest of the day did not go well at all. He was apologetic and I was silently apoplectic.

For some unknown reason I was looking around for the kid he was yelling for to COME BACK HERE! before I realised it was me he was talking too...ME....his good submissive wifey!!!

I guess that I can be thankful that it was not in church.....

I am more mindful now when we go out though, as I have no idea what he could yell next time. So it has a silver lining after all.

We have a three day seminar coming up next week, all day for three days...I so hope that he has no reason to forget that we are not at home and that he cannot just say what he is thinking...loudly!

So Much to Say

There is such a lot to write about...and no good place to start. I have been so busy lately that blogland has had to have taken a back seat to everything else. I apologise for not catching up with you.

Lots of 'things' have been happening here, so much so, that even the thought of coming here to write has had no appeal. So much to say.

We recently decided on a four week break from ttwd, after a meltdown that I had. It had nothing to do with consistency but then everything to do with it. The Silence has been consistent for quite a few weeks now, but in my fragile state of trust it only took one night of inconsistency for me to lose it. That sorted with communication, new things in place and we started a new week. 

Only I still had not forgotten or forgiven.

My body became a  NO GO zone. No looking, no touching - don't even think about it. With the new things in place not actually happening and me going to bed extremely early each night - communication went right out the door and Distancing Daisy took its place.

During the week I took a step towards handing back some of the control that I had and I felt like he didn't care. In confusion and turmoil things just went from bad to worse when Friday night came round and HE thought it was time to have a snuggle and...well..you know...

Only Distancing Daisy had other ideas, and they certainly did not contain the thought of a nice snuggle up in bed. All hell broke loose. Things were said that should not of been said, spankings were administered with one swat being higher up than usual..and that was the end of that.

It was then that we decided that we would take a four week break to see if this really was for us. The Silence felt the next day that he had made a wrong decision in agreeing to the break...me, I just felt lost and still confused.

Sunday rolled around and we went off to church. Where I sat alternating between hurt, confusion, pride and anger. Pride being the biggest one of all.

It would of been so much easier to just hand him my wedding band right there in church and tell him that he could take a running jump somewhere. Oh how I hate myself for even thinking that. I was so hurt and confused.

At this stage I knew that we needed ttwd in our lives....I knew it, but pride in admitting that I was in the wrong was so strong. After church we went out with coffee with one of our 'adopted' daughters. Trying to act like all was ok, while trying to deal with her very real problems.

We had a stroll around the shops and it was not until later when we got home that The Silence said that he had to smile to several times as I asked 'Do you mind if we go here/there? Is that alright with you?' He smiled at it because he was thinking I have never asked before, and he was also thinking that we really needed ttwd in our lives, and that there was no way he was going to give it up.

I cannot even remember asking if we could go into shops...does this mean that my mind is now automatically thinking before doing? I wish it was so when it comes to the meltdowns.

Later that afternoon after much thought and the swallowing of a rather large lump of pride I went to him and told him that we needed to do this. He needed to be stronger, not to walk out of the room when things got tough, better to give me time out, than to walk out without saying anything to leave me thinking that he did not care enough to see it through.

He explained that when he does that, it is so he can get his own head together - I suggested bedroom time if that is the case. Just do not leave me there thinking the worse possible thoughts. 

So, we are back on again. We lasted less than 48 hours without ttwd.

We were like ships passing in the night. Silent with each other - there was nothing that we could say. It was horrible and I hope that we never go there again - EVER!

I never have been an emotional person. Perhaps I would have one meltdown a year. But since starting ttwd last October, I seem to have a volatile nature that blows its top at least once a month - only this month it has been twice.  I could blame PMS/horror moans etc, and I think part of it is just that. Geez I cannot wait for menopause....

I think a lot of the emotions are really based on how much control am I willing to give to over. I don't want it, but there are times when I recognise that I am very much in control...and I hate it. While I hate it, I am also afraid to let go...hence the meldowns. It is at those times that I feel extremely vulnerable and out of control of my own space. 

They talk about flight or fight mode...stupid me always goes into the fight mode. Just automatically, it just happens. It is before this point that we both need to recognise and deal with long before things get way out of hand. The Silence walking out is not a good idea - because I want to fight and he is really leaving me in control. I have to learn ways of letting go and not having a major meltdown.

Bedroom time is one of the options that was used on one of the nights that control took over and all common sense went out the window. While it did work, and I was quite ready to go OTB on return, The Silence was still at a loss and did not follow through. He had handed me back control again.

I know that this is a learning process for both of us, even 7 months on. It will be a slow process I think. Patience - something I am not good at all.

I want this to work, but I want it to work now - unreasonable, yes I know. I am working on be more patient and understanding. But unless you know The Silence well, it can get very frustrating going over and over the same things.

I don't know if any of this made sense - but it has been good to finally get something out on 'paper' I now have to go and start the Daily List, which now has more added to it to teach me more about obedience and submission. I don't mind. Unlike at the start where I hated that list, it has now just become part of my day. I also have an accountability space to fill out, so that The Silence knows what I have actually done during the day. Just because he is at work ttwd does not stop. That side of the list has gotten me OTB a few times now, not many, but enough for me to remember that I have to be the 'good wifey' even if he is not here.

I think it was Jill who had mentioned the accountability list. It has been a big help to me, teaching me that while he is not home and I have the freedom to do whatever I like, I am still answerable to a loving husband and Hoh.

Hugs peoples, and may your day be spank free.

Sorry Racing in to Post This...Before

Sorry, just popping in before OTB....

Yeah...well.........  :)

Phew..What a Week

Firstly my apologies for not being around for the last week or so.  Between having to deal with all the rain, fundraising for our daughter to go to Mozambique and major PMS'ing, or Horror Moans or whatever you want to call it, I have not felt up to blogging at all.

Also, I am very sorry, but blogger right now does not like me much, and I am unable to post a reply to most comments on my blogs. I would love too, but for some reason only half the page loads :(

The Silence has certainly stepped up to the plate over the last week. Not much 'getting away with it' going on in this house. Which is really good as now I know where I stand :)

I have now been spank free for three days! Not because I am good, just because I have no energy to be anything but a perfect Angel........another few days and that might change...

And...

The last two mornings I have stayed in bed!!! And once again that has nothing to do with being the obedient wife. It is just that 'this month' has been a bit over the top, so energy levels are right down, so staying in bed was a darn good option...once again, that might change in a few days. We will just have to see what happens. :)

I hope that you are all well. I am aware that once again I am way behind on everyones' blogs. I will try and catch up with you all over the next few days!

Hugs to you all