Earth to Earth - Anyone Still Out There Part Two

So Part One is out of the way, and now it is time to sort out Part Two.

Knowing that you have failed, when you think your communication was great does not install much confidence in yourself when it comes to further communication. What it does do though is make you more aware of your failings and how much more you have to try.

If you fail once, twice, thrice, you MUST get up and try again. It may take a change to do so. It may take days or weeks to find a solution to a problem, but to admit defeat and let the world, your world fall around you is not acceptable.

My life long motto has always been and will continue to be: There is ALWAYS another way.

I could say that after The Silence had come home all fell into place and was all rosy.

But then I would be lying.

He was hurting just as much. I was building walls faster than they built Rome.

We had reached a new level of falling apart, and a level that was unknown to us both.

But you see I possess a strength that has got me through in the long lost past, and The Silence, though down is never out for the count. Between us, if we could put aside the hurt and distrust we could get through this together. After all, what had the last three and a half years been for if we could not pull through this?

It was time to communicate on a heart level.

Do you know how hard that is when you are two hurting people? Where one is distrustful and the other trying to gain some footing amongst the upheaval.

We talked. And talked.

We talked about the pain that The Silence felt when he had to give discipline. We talked about how hard it was for him. We talked about the things I said when I didn't want discipline, when I fought against the very thing I had brought to him in the first place.  We talked about how he felt about DD. That he felt it was right, that it had pulled us together, made us stronger in our marriage - and that he didn't want to stop DD, he just could not keep bringing himself to administer pain.

We discussed, and not always rationally on my part. We talked about how we could change the way DD looked to us. How we could find a way to keep building on what we already had gained - instead of throwing it all away.

The result of all that was a DD/ttwd relationship, not based on spanking (or very little, and only for the D's) but based on other alternative disciplines.

We had talked and come to a conclusion, though rocky at first because I didn't know how this was going to work, plus the distrust that needed to be put aside, maybe was going to work for us both.

I can hear some people saying that DD/ttwd is based solely on being over the bed, knee, chair etc. Well no, it doesn't have to be. We had to find a way that worked for us.

Are we carrying on with DD/ttwd? Yes. Has the dynamic changed? Yes it has.

Are the things we are now doing to replace the spanking working? Oh yes they are!!

Discipline now takes longer, are actually harder than a spanking (for me - remember I have a cast iron butt) and are focused more on what I really don't like at all.

Spankings were hard for The Silence to give - spankings because of my tendency to be able to withstand quite a bit, really were not working for either of us.

Now some discipline for one 'indiscretion' can take 2 or more hours, and sometimes several days,  of doing something that I dislike/hate/find pointless.

Our dynamic has changed quite a bit. The Silence now has more say - like this blog. I have to let him read it first before I post. I know that is not unusual for some, but this is one of the things that has changed in our home.

Things I used to take for granted cannot be taken for granted any longer.

This has changed us both.

The Silence is more relaxed, less stressed over DD/ttwd. So am I. And The Silence seems to have unveiled a more Alpha male side to him. (which by the way, is incredibly sexy  suits him well)

He no longer has to wait, sometimes days. for the other members of our household to go out. Most of the disciplines can be done with others still in the house. It takes a bit of cunning and sometimes a little lie - like 'Mums having a nap' (if only!!) or 'Mums in having a shower" So all that stress of having to wait and deal has now on the most part been taken away.

Will our new way change in time and go back to the way it was? I don't think so. It can only develop more. Even in the last few weeks it has grown and changed, and will continue to do so. But that is another story, for another time. It is a change that will only bring more harmony into our house.

There is a freedom in understanding each other. There is a freedom in being able too, or rather learning to let go of those heart feelings.

Sorry, have to finish here as there is a mat and a closet with my name on it - Actually the mat says 'welcome' how ironic is that :)

Earth to Earth...Anyone Still Out There? Part One.

September 2013 was my last post to here.

Such a lot has happened since then.

We have moved after finally selling the house.

We dropped DD again...and again...and again.

We have gone from consistent to inconsistent to consistent more times than a full moon.

I ranted and raved, and The Silence listened in, well, silence.

Frustration mounted and Mount Etna had nothing on what I was like, month after month.

Trying to understand The Silence. Trying to understand the inconsistency that kept happening.
Trying to understand how I could help. Trying to - well, just trying from day to day. Week by week.

Until we stopped it completely. Never to be revisited.

Put to death were the canes, tawses, belts and other 'things' in my wild state of anger. I didn't want to see anything DD any more. His choice to stop - my choice to break and bend those things that brought us peace, understanding, communication and yes, even a more loving relationship.

Unceremoniously buried in the bin. Broken and tossed aside.

Pretty much how I felt. Heartbroken. I felt like I had lost something that had become so much a part of our lives. I felt betrayed.

And I grieved. I grieved for the loss of something that brought us closer together, that made us communicate more, love more, understand more. I grieved for the loss of something that kept me grounded. Feet firmly planted on Terra Firma - most of the time anyway.

I grieved for my loss - I grieved because I just didn't understand. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand what had gone wrong. I didn't understand The Silence who agreed to this, who said it worked for us, it was good for us. Why would he want to stop?

I grieved for my husband. Because I thought I had lost him.

Monday he went to work and I cried all day. I don't cry. Even after 40 with a cane with 40 more later I never cried. But I did then.

I cried from deep within. I felt lost, like a cork bouncing out on the waves. Being dunked and dunked again, never able to see what was happening, not having that understanding, not having any landing place in sight.

I didn't know what to do with myself. The drive was not there to carry on with the day. I was hurt, so deeply hurt. For three and a half years we had done this DD thing. Sure, it had its ups and downs, it frustrations and achievements - but suddenly, it wasn't there any more.

My life, our life - the way it had been was gone. No daily chore list, no consequences if it wasn't done, no accountability. I could shout and argue, do what I wanted, when I wanted - I should of been happy! But I wasn't. I felt that I would never be happy again. Ever.

What was life like before? I could not remember. Yes, I could. It was a life of bitching and arguing from me. Of tantrums and walking out the door. Of us not talking, not communicating, not being loving, not understanding each other. Me the boss. Me the dominant one. Me the decision maker. Me. Me. Me. And I didn't want to be that way again. But that is what would of happened.

And I hated it and myself then. Is that what we were going back to?

It wasn't his fault and it wasn't mine. It had just happened. And I needed to know why, so that I could stop the grieving, deal with the hurt. Move on and hope that we didn't go backwards.

I knew we had grown in our relationship. It was better than before and I know that DD helped with that. I know that it was hard. Just as hard for The Silence as it was for me. I know that it was tiring - that there were days that had gone wrong at work and that he had to come home and deal with some issue - whether he wanted to or not.

Three and a half years. I knew he didn't like to spank that much. I knew he found it hard trying to get through a cast iron butt that could and did, take everything he tried. Even the cane. Hardly any marks or pain afterwards. No reminding residue of soreness the next day. Nothing seemed to work. He had to work harder and longer to get any result. It was harder for The Silence emotionally.

Three and a half years. And we stopped one Saturday morning. Just like that. And I didn't understand the reasons why. Was I so dumb that I couldn't see?

On the Monday when I felt so lost. He came home early from work because he was worried. I was angry. A quiet angry. Not like me at all. I felt I had no purpose any more. That each day would follow the last without any effort from me.

It was not the spanking I was going to miss. It was the connection that brought us closer together. It was the shared moments of forgiveness and love. The cuddles. The communication.

That was when the penny dropped.

He didn't like the spanking. He believed in DD. He knew it worked. But he hated the hurting, of having to spank.

Three and a half years he had felt this way and just could not do it any more. I knew it was a struggle for him, I didn't realize how much pain he went through each time I was OTB. I couldn't see his face, or hear it in his voice.

The Silence had been, was still, in pain over causing me pain. This man that I married, that I had trodden all over before DD could no longer bring himself to cause pain, even for the sake of DD. He had struggled for those years, in silence.

Communication. We had communicated more. But had failed at the highest level. The communication of human emotions. Not the surface stuff, but the deep, deep inner feelings.

Communication comes easy to me - whether it is in anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, joy. It does not come easy to The Silence. I often forget when I am talking. I have to wait for him to process his thoughts. And I am not patient.

Were either of us to blame? Was one of us more at fault at this failure to communicate?

No.

It was both of us. At our own levels we chose not to communicate those deepest feelings and fears. The hurting that was happening not on a butt level, but a heart level.

This is only part one. I will need to gather my thoughts just a little more for part two.

Great Intentions

Well for goodness sakes I never seem to be here any more. I have these great intentions of at least being here once or twice a week, then life happens and before I know it a few weeks, and sometimes more has gone past.

I don't know how many times I have needed to blog since my last one...I lost count long ago.

Life seems to be charging ahead and most of the time I am either rushing from one thing to another or to darn tired to even turn the laptop on.

So many things have changed....

The Silence stepped up ttwd...like really stepped up! There were days that I seem to be forever standing in the laundry...right up until he worked out that when I disappeared for any amount of time our teenage, soon to be 18 year old daughter got suspicious and kept asking where I was.

Then she would come looking for me.....which caused a few heart stopping moments with trying to explain why I was laying on the bed writing in a book or standing in the laundry gazing mindlessly at the wall. Mind you, it did make the time go faster when I was there to 'just calm down' on the other hand while writing an essay (by hand ...not typed..which really, really sucks by the way) it made the time seem longer.

There are no 'grey areas' in our lives any more. They have gone. Basically what The Silence says is what goes. If he does not like what I am doing, then he says so, the next time it is dealt with.

We found the grey areas were hard for him to deal with. With them now gone, our DD life is running smoother. The first week or so, I was on tenterhooks with what I said and did...it did not take long to get back into my normal..ahem....submissive/obedient side.....

 There is now absolutely no 'NO's' for anything. Does not matter what it is, the answer is not to be No. Did you know that you can replace No with 'Why' 'How' 'Maybe' 'Now?' 'Can I' 'May I' and  'Yes Dear'?

He mentioned the other night that maybe the introduction of 'Yes Sir' during discipline times might be on the cards in future too....

So our house is on the market and we have had some open homes... and a few hair raising moments of wondering 'oh my gosh did we put that away' or 'I sure hope the tool box is covered in the bottom of our wardrobe' which is where the implements are kept... Lets face it..how many people keep a wooden spoon, a spatula, a cake icing spreader (gee thanks Willie) and a cane in their wardrobe...not to mention a few other items purloined from the kitchen. And how does one explain a Loopy Johnny? or a Tawse.....

Our room when we pack up to move will be one room that no one will be helping with!!!

It is quite funny when we are looking at house to buy..our first thought is 'Will anyone be able to hear us/see us'?

Well, must move on with the day and get that blasted list finished..I know, not much of a blog, but I did want you to know that we are still alive and kicking..well, perhaps not so much the kicking!

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

Spanking - Controlling the Situation

I was speaking with Willie yesterday and we were talking about spankings and what goes along with it, when I typed to her:

'plus he is now changing the implements while spanking, so I never know what is actually coming anymore, which also changes the way I think and try and control the situation..'


And that was one of those 

Moments.......

'Control the Situation'

Hmmmmmm

And I do...never realised it before. Not until I typed that out to Willie did it suddenly dawn on me that even while over the bed I am trying to control the situation.

I control how much I am going to give in. I have no control over what The Silence uses, or how many swats he gives. 

But I am in control over my emotions. Over all those things that go through my head while OTB or OTK. 

So.....how does one give up those emotions and stop being in control?

Is it as easy as thinking to yourself 'Give in'?

No, I don't think it is...

Not without giving up or changing the way you think.

Willie in her last post (http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/running.html?zx=620a9fd5d640dee8 (I hope that works, if not look up Barney married Wilma) said that we cannot change or blame our past (and I agree) but the way the past has shaped us has a lot to do with the way we now react to life. Particularly DD/TTWD.

And our past does shape us. We cannot deny our past. We cannot blame each thing on our past either. But it has shaped us into what we are today.

We are a product of our upbringing.

I know growing up, it was a necessity to be strong.  Emotions were kept in a tight reign regardless of the situation. You never gave in. To give in meant that you could end up being in a worse situation that you were currently in, you never showed a weakness. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. 

Trust just did not exist, except for the trust that you had in yourself.

It is this that I have to give up. 

The trust that I have in myself...it is the trust that I have to put into The Silence.

And that thought is scary...because in effect I am having to 'give up my past' and build a whole new way of thinking. And this is going to take time. It will not be an overnight change, nor will it be an easy one.

So...while it looks like I am being compliant in a discipline situation, I am actually not. That lightbulb moment was a real eye opener.

To sum it up...I have to let go.

I have to learn to trust not only The Silence, but myself.

I have to trust that The Silence is always going to be there. Funny thing is that he always is at the end, ready to hold and love me and tell me it is ok. 

What it boils down to is me...trusting me.

There are times when I completely baffle The Silence as he swats away thinking to himself that this is not normal...that I should be squirming and crying or doing something by now instead of just laying there.

But you see, I am not giving in.

Oh I know I deserve this, I know I should just let go...I know all that. 

But my thinking is that 'I have to be strong'

Sometimes those spankings hurt like hell (excuse the expression) but I still hang on out of some warped sense of being the strong one, not giving in, not showing a weakness, of staying in control.

Now how daft is that?

Well it is now time to move on, into the day. Stay tuned for part two of this after I have done some more thinking and searching for answers.

May you have a spank free day!

Hugs :)

Erratic Posts

Well once again I am back.

Seems to be the story of my life at the moment...here again...gone again.

Once our daughter came back (after the renovating capers) I found it hard to find time to actually blog. Then two weeks in Malaysia. Have been back a week and have been flat out keeping up with the housework and all those other wifely duties that we all do from day to day.

There have been changes.

There has been a lot of 'off again/on again' DD days and weeks.

We now have The Silence in complete charge of all things. There are no grey areas to cause anymore 'should I or shouldn't I' questions.

This has been a lot easier I think for both of us.

It is his way or no way. Simple as.

Still hard to do things while the daughter remains at home and still have to work out some disciplines can be done without her knowledge. Teenage daughters have the most amazing hearing until it comes time to do the dishes or tidy their room!

So far we have Tuesday and Friday evenings to ourselves so that is a bonus...though sometimes it is hard to have to wait for things to be dealt with over the days that she is home.

Anyway that is about it really..not much to say, other than The Silence is getting good at stepping up and sorting things out. I still have a niggling feeling that this will all go up in smoke at some stage. That comes from previous times of things not being followed through for days.

It is a trust issue. It is an issue that eventually I will have to let go.

Keep smiling, have a spank free day!

And She is Home....

I am not coping well. Not at all.

Not since our daughter came home 7 days ago.

It is nice to have her home safe and sound and I did miss her, but after having the house to ourselves for the last 6 months, being able to talk, deal with things...and do 'other' things when we felt like it, suddenly we cannot do any of it.

I go from bad to worse, knowing that The Silence cannot deal with issues until she goes out. Before she left she went out to dance lessons everyday, which meant we had time to ourselves to deal with issues, talk and just have 'our' time.

This is probably sounding very selfish. I guess in some ways it is.

We have both grown used to having an empty nest.

We have had 7 days of visitors, (nice to know our daughter is loved by others too) or music, or 'Muummmm" and messes. A constant sensory overload.

I know that it is going to take time to adjust to the way things were.

Yesterday we had an 'our' day. Church in the morning, then shopping and home again to an empty house. First on the list of things to do was OTB.

It meant nothing.

I was/am in that distancing cave. So that was as far as we got. I was angry, stayed angry that I could not get past the 'this is such a waste of time'

I have found it easier to push The Silence away since we cannot deal with things at the time. It is easier to push him away in all areas than to know that we cannot do the things we once did at the time that it is needed.

It is all so confusing.

I need it when things happen, but cannot have it, therefore I don't want it and push him away...so dumb. So unexplainable.

I suppose that we will eventually work out a way to deal with things with a young adult in the house that has ears to hear what they are not supposed to hear.

Emotions

It always amazes me how much we all go through...seemingly at roughly the same time.

I blame the air...or I would if we all lived in the same country. Maybe it is the moon, or the tides, or is it just the natural progression of our emotions.

Emotions.....

Happy, sad, joyful, angry, disappointed, frayed, excited, upset, helpless, powerless, trusting, amused, delighted, grumpy, tender, shocked, insecure, scared, worried, restless, loved, aroused, hopeful, safe...oh the list could go and on.

There are many words that describe emotions, and I think at some stage we use every single one of them in our lives with Dd/Ttwd. Sometimes they are intensified because of the way we have chosen to live our lives.

Our emotions sometimes render us powerless in the face of confrontation. We know what we want to say, what we want to do....but in many of our households it is a written, or unwritten rule not to let those emotions go to the point that it can cause pain, not only to your relationship but also to your  derrière.

Emotions are the cause of conflict..either with another person, or within ourselves. More often than not...it is these emotions within myself that causes the most problems.

Sometimes we need to step back an examine the 'why' of our emotions. Something that I need to learn to do, instead of just letting go and aiming them in the general direction of the HoH..which usually results in being over the knee, over the bed, or over something :)

I need to learn to do this: 

Sometimes I need this many.....

And then I might need yet another reminder to stop.....

And at that point.....well really...my emotions are so far gone that STOPPING is just not going to happen

And then I realise that perhaps I have just gone the

That is what emotions do...they often take the wrong way. Yet it is (I suppose) easy enough to stop and think before all is let loose.

Except.....I am a woman. I am me.

Apparently woman think with their emotions.

Great

So where to from here...well this is where I am suppose to come up with some bright idea that apparently is going to solve all these emotional roller coasters that we seem to travel on at the same time...hmmmmm....

Nope...sorry not going to happen. I can only work on solving my own rebellious and sometimes rampant emotions (like..you know...at that 'time')

1). I have to stop and think.

Are my emotions getting out of control (usually the answer is ....yes) and if so, it is time to slow down, take some time out to sort out whatever it is that is going on. Otherwise the potential to lose control is just around the corner from the next emotional outburst.

I need to stop and recognise the signs. Not the stop signs, but the signs that trigger an outburst.

2) Reduce or remove myself from the trigger that caused the emotion in the first place.

Okay, so sometimes easier said than done...what if it is the HoH that is the trigger. Does the rule of not walking away still come into play if I am removing myself from the 'trigger'?

So this is the time when I am supposed to step back, breathe (and probably breathe a whole lot more)

3) Processing your thoughts and turning your emotions into a positive and not a negative reaction.

I feel like laughing here...really I do.....

Because either way, if I have finally got to this stage, somewhere along the line there has probably been a spanking. So I am now positively positive that processing your thoughts while over the bed is a good place to finally end up if you have, which in my case is usually true, skipped steps 1 and 2. 

Hugs and may you have a spank free day