Feeling Like a Newbie....

First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie

The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....

We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.

Six months...

The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage.  DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.

Today is Day One of Starting Over.

Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.

All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.

All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.

Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.

Am I expecting too much?

I don't know.

I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.

And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.

I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.

About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.

Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.

Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?

Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.

Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?

We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.

I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.

Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.

I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)

Have a spank free day

PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.

PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)

Conversations....

Me:  'Stuff you. You can get up and get your own breakfast for a change'.

HoH: 'I beg your pardon?'

Me: (Slowly sliding under the sheets because once again the brain connected to the mouth that was in fourth gear instead of neutral)

A short time later....OTB

HoH:  'Saying 'stuff you' is unacceptable. Do you understand? It is unacceptable...'

Me:  Not unless you are saying it to a chicken

And that was the end of that serious situation.

Not much to really blog on. Still slaving away at the renovating. Ttwd on some days take a back seat to painting and sanding. I think we are just tired of the whole messy, dusty house at the moment. Our daughter comes back in five weeks after being away for six months. 

I was hoping that we would be well on our way with ttwd long before she got home. I seriously doubt whether we are much further ahead than 6 months ago. At least some days it seems we are. But most of the time things are ignored. The rule list seems to have gone out West somewhere, because it sure as heck not in this house. Do I sound annoyed?

Well, I am and then again I am not. 

There is so much going on at the moment, that it is, in some ways a relief not having to stick to the rule list. Because if we were....well....I doubt whether there would be much renovating going on. It would be more than likely me OTK or OTB for the better part of some days.

I am hoping to be back on track with blogging soon. I miss this, and keeping up with you all.

And much easier to get to....

I really have to remember this one...really, really remember this one

And this one...My mouth has a mind of its own...

May your day be spank free

 :)

(PS. Even if I don't comment on your blog, I am still thinking of you all...often, while waving a paint brush around)

Renovating

I feel like it has been weeks since I have been on here. We/I have been busy with sanding and painting the inside of our house. It seems every time we turn around there is something else that needs fixing or painting.

It is never ending. And I am tired of it all...tripping over sanding blocks and paper, having to skirt around furniture, currently living in three rooms..our bed is in the lounge, our clothes are in our bedroom and our drawers are in the spare room. There are drop cloths everywhere, paint cans and paint brushes, doors off hinges and hinges off doors.  (and that sounds like a song from 'The Sound of Music)

I feel like blogland is a distant memory, and every time I do make it here (which is not often at the moment) it is like being a newbie all over again.

DD/Ttwd seems to have taken a back seat to everything else. There appears to now be one rule and one rule only...'Watch how speak'. All the other rules appear to have been ditched. I am tired and my husband is tired.

I have had a lot of time to think though....while waving a paint brush around.

This life we have is very much like renovating.

The HoH is the renovator and the wife is the renovat-tee (I know...a new word)

The HoH is digging out, sanding down the rough edges, rebuilding and making his wife 'pretty' on the inside. The lovely submissive wife is willing (ahem..) and  is basically getting a makeover. Much like our house.  And much like our house, every time you turn around there is something else that needs to be fixed.

Dd/ttwd is not an 'end to a means' It is an ongoing journey, just like renovating a house. Yes, you can rush it through (much like we are trying to do with our house, possibly ready for selling) but there will always be things that need to be 'fixed' Even with rushing through it all, moving from one thing to another, means that you have the potential to leave something behind that should be dealt with first. Which means you have to go back and 'repair' what you have missed.

Our emotions are like the colour we paint on our walls.

The paint we have chosen is a neutral colour. But it changes in the light...In bright sunlight it is white, in the shade it is cream, and in really dark places it takes on a deep cream/pale yellow colour.  It is those deep dark places that intrigue me. 

They are like the places that I keep hidden...my intense desire to be submissive/obedient. The intense desire to be wholly, one hundred per cent, belonging to my husband in all areas. To sometimes just be 'ruled' by him. The intense desire to give all of myself...not just some of me, not just eighty percent. The intense desire to know that when I do something that is not pleasing to him, is not in accordance to him being the HoH that there will be something that will remind me later of what he expects. 

Physically, emotionally, mentally and, yes...even sexually wholly his. 

I have had to examine myself over the last few weeks. Am I a weak woman for wanting this? No, no I am not.  I am not naturally obedient, or submissive. I am a strong woman who has an extremely strong willed nature. Oh alright....a rebellious nature. It would take all my strength to be like this.

I keep this part of me hidden. I don't know why. Maybe it is a trust issue. I want to give that one hundred percent, but that means letting someone into my life fully. I can hear you wondering why I have parts hidden from him, my husband. I can hear you wondering 'if he is your husband, then he should know all of you' and yet he does not. Even after twenty four years of marriage, I struggle with giving over my all. Not trusting was so ingrained in me throughout my growing years, that it is a second nature....a second skin. 

That skin keeps me together from day to day.  I can sit in a crowded room and know every person there, and yet still feel alone. But I can tell you about their lives, their dreams, their sorrow. Because I watch and listen. Most times there is a bubble around me that no one gets through. Those that I choose as friends come into a smaller bubble.  That bubble is even smaller for my husband, much closer to that second skin, but still there never the less. It is this bubble that has to break. 

I want this. But even now I should be doing something else instead of sitting here. That daily list of extra things still needs doing. I am puzzled on how one can want this so bad, yet struggle with a simple daily list.  

Is human nature that complex?

One day all this will fall into place. There will be no more bubbles or second skin. I will be his, all the way. It was a big step, and a big trust issue to even think about telling him about Dd/ttwd. He could of laughed, rung the people in white coats and had me carted away to some padded room. But he didn't.  That was nine months ago. We have been through the start of the renovating process with each other. There have been times when we have had to go back and start again. There have been times when all hell has broken loose and it has felt like the house of emotions was about to come tumbling down. But we weathered that, came through stronger, learnt a lesson, filled in the cracks, sanded them down, painted another colour and moved on. (and yes, it did happen quite a few times). 

Eventually I will be his....all of his.

The Sassy Wiggle

I have never been an eye roller...I leave that to The Silence, even though he says he does not...he does...often.

I have been a 'whatever' person. Though that got a short shift by the introduction of a wooden paddle and even more time spent with my nose in a corner.

Now we have the 'Sassy Wiggle' Which has nothing to do with this lot.....

It is more like this:

And the Hoh is starting to notice other little 'Sassy' moves.

The Sassy Wiggle

The Sassy Face

The Sassy 'hmmm'

The Sassy Toes

The incredibly Sassy Fingers

Oh sheesh, there is far to much 'Sassy' in my life at the moment. No wonder the Hoh is getting used to recognising them all. 

All of them getting put to rights under the new implement from Willie..(thanks Willie)

Hugs to all and may it be a spank free day!

Why Taking Back Control is not Good For Us

Why Taking Back Control is not Good for Us

Yet another essay

(It means that: 1 – I get a spanking, 2 – I end up having to write a 750 word essay)

My husband is the leader of the home. Not just within our marriage dynamics but also biblically.

When I take back control I am undermining his leadership and without meaning to subconsciously rebelling against him in his leadership role. This makes him feel like he is inadequate as a leader and husband in the home. This in turn causes disharmony within the relationship.

Being submissive/obedient to my husband makes him feel loved and contented (at least I think it does). When I take back control, I am upsetting the balance that we have strived to reach. It cause disharmony between the both of us.  It takes a while to get back to where we should be. Sometimes taking back that control is very subtle (like a snake in long grass).

Yeah, I know it is a cat..but it was so much cuter than a snake

But in case you want the real deal.....

 It goes un-noticed for awhile before suddenly full blown ‘control’ issues are seen. Through the gradual build up over a period of hours or days of undermining my husband’s authority, I find myself in a position of having to relinquish once again control back to him. The longer the ‘snake in the grass’ gets away with its subtle take over, the harder it is to get back on track.

This leaves my husband feeling frustrated and a bit lost with what has actually happened. In fact, to be honest, sometimes the ‘take over’ is so subtle that even I have not noticed until all of a sudden the penny drops and I realize what has been happening – sounds silly I know, but it does happen. 

This situation is not good for either of us – obviously.

It takes us back to the one step forward and two steps back scenario. Though my husband has been more of an HoH in the last month than ever before, and we are certainly going ahead, there is always the potential of those control issues getting out of hand and turning into those ‘meltdown’ moments. When this happens, figuratively speaking-all hell breaks loose. This takes us back almost to square one (and a very sore rear).

Submission is an act of the will. I am willing – but human. Sometimes those human ‘emotions’ get in the way. Especially when nowadays the equality of men and woman is taught at every turn in the page of life. It is not easy giving that control to a husband when you feel that you are alone in this journey (except of course for those friends on blogger).

(Submission/obedience takes a strong person – not a weak person. Many people consider it to be demeaning and degrading.  It is those who do not understand, that despise a virtue they know nothing about. They are vocal about being against it, because in some ways, I think they wish the same but are just not strong enough to face up to it. Sorry if that offends you, it is just what I think. Submission is never forced on a person. It is the opposite of oppression. Submission is a gift of one to another. It is a gift that is given. Sometimes needed to be given daily or several times in a day when you find yourself on the verge of taking back that control)

Anyway, I think I have gone off track to the purpose of this essay of ‘Why Me Taking Control is Bad for us)...So, back on track we go. 588 words completed.

Darn...now I have lost my train of thought...with 168 words to go.... (Apparently this type of sentence should not be counted in the total word count in future)

Our house runs smoothly and happily when the dynamics are in the right place. The Silence as the HoH, and me as the submissive/obedient wife.  It doesn’t seem that hard to do...but in reality, though it does and is getting easier (in some areas) it is hard to do.  

Trying to take back control is destructive to our relationship. Or maybe that should read ‘taking back control’ instead of ‘trying’.

You know I could point out here that it is bad for my rear....

Nope still don’t have my train of thought back...this is what happens when your HoH is on the other side of the table listening to some monotone person talking on a video 

37 words to go....

I guess that really what it boils down to is this:

Good dynamics in an HoH/DD/Ttwd households relies on both the husband and wife being in the place where they should be.

The husband as the head and the wife in obedience/submission. And the last thing being, while it is not good for me to take back control......

We can both learn from our failures as well as our successes. 

Even if sometimes I feel like just doing this......

Just a Little Rambling Post :)

Three days away at an Internet Conference (yawn yawn) but it did mean that we were away from the house which was nice.

No spanking (or hardly any) and I did find out that it is no good saying 'You cannot spank me because people will HEAR' Because The Silence will attempt to spank anyway :(

New rules are afoot in the House of Hez! (Or should that be the House of HoH?)Some I keep forgetting, but that is ok as The Silence is there to remind me of them...sometimes daily.

It really is hard to keep track them...these new rules. Some deal with habits...like smoking.
Now only allowed to buy one packet per week...sigh. That is going to be a hard one as some weeks I am pushing for two and a half packs of tobacco (I roll my own).

The Silence has certainly found his niche as HoH.

If you have read my previous post about him going all HoH in the mall, then you might enjoy knowing that the words

'Excuse ME?'

came out of the HoH'y mouth at the conference. Ok, so I was peeved and walked on past him without saying anything. But we did get some looks when he said THAT loud enough for people to hear.

Last night when we finally made it home it was 'catch up spanking' from the things that happened while we were away. You know, those things that I said he could not spank me for as people would HEAR.
For some reason, his lecture seemed absolutely hilarious. I know, that sounds disrespectful...it is not meant to be. Honestly.

It was just that when The Silence said...

"I expect you to treat me with the most respect when we are out and about'

I just could picture one of our daughters teachers who considered interrupting to be...

'The absolute height of rudeness' (seriously, you have to have an English accent and speak in a posh voice to get this)

Well, The Silence said his piece in almost the same sort of voice...I found it funny, he did not. Oh well.

So ttwd is plodding along quite nicely right now. We seem to have found our places..hmm, some of us are still having problems in that area. Not telling which one of us though.

I have learnt this :

Then again, sometimes The Silence remains silent...this is probably the reason why...

Lucky 'crazy' does not happen often :)

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

COME BACK HERE!

Boss Day..last Saturday.

Picture if you will a busy mall, on a Saturday, on Easter weekend, school holidays...a VERY busy mall, the busiest on our side of the city...and the most popular one too.

Add into that picture a wife who is starting to get just a little frustrated with all of the crowds, not being able to find what she is looking for, and the 'interactive directions map' is ...well...crap.....

Go a little bit further into the picture and see the wife (the good submissive wifey) standing by her Hoh waiting for him to use the stupid interactive map and find the store they are looking for. Picture too, if you will, the Hoh looking up the wrong shop, walking away and letting someone else use the stupid crappy machine after spending a good five minutes getting the thing to finally work and then five minutes trying to find the shop in the list.

Add in (sorry hope you are good at adding in) a wife with an incredulous look on her face that her Hoh has looked up the wrong shop after all that time and has now handed his place over to someone else, and that good submissive wifey walks away when the good intentioned Hoh says that they can line up again and use the interactive machine for a second time.

And the good submissive wifey keeps walking....

'COME BACK HERE!'

Ah...What? It is in red and large for a reason...because that is how HE yelled it....in a mall, a busy mall (did I say that it was an extremely busy mall?)

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

OK, so he got all HoH'ee....which is good (I guess) but in a MALL?????

I would like to point out here that the rest of the day did not go well at all. He was apologetic and I was silently apoplectic.

For some unknown reason I was looking around for the kid he was yelling for to COME BACK HERE! before I realised it was me he was talking too...ME....his good submissive wifey!!!

I guess that I can be thankful that it was not in church.....

I am more mindful now when we go out though, as I have no idea what he could yell next time. So it has a silver lining after all.

We have a three day seminar coming up next week, all day for three days...I so hope that he has no reason to forget that we are not at home and that he cannot just say what he is thinking...loudly!