Earth to Earth...Anyone Still Out There? Part One.

September 2013 was my last post to here.

Such a lot has happened since then.

We have moved after finally selling the house.

We dropped DD again...and again...and again.

We have gone from consistent to inconsistent to consistent more times than a full moon.

I ranted and raved, and The Silence listened in, well, silence.

Frustration mounted and Mount Etna had nothing on what I was like, month after month.

Trying to understand The Silence. Trying to understand the inconsistency that kept happening.
Trying to understand how I could help. Trying to - well, just trying from day to day. Week by week.

Until we stopped it completely. Never to be revisited.

Put to death were the canes, tawses, belts and other 'things' in my wild state of anger. I didn't want to see anything DD any more. His choice to stop - my choice to break and bend those things that brought us peace, understanding, communication and yes, even a more loving relationship.

Unceremoniously buried in the bin. Broken and tossed aside.

Pretty much how I felt. Heartbroken. I felt like I had lost something that had become so much a part of our lives. I felt betrayed.

And I grieved. I grieved for the loss of something that brought us closer together, that made us communicate more, love more, understand more. I grieved for the loss of something that kept me grounded. Feet firmly planted on Terra Firma - most of the time anyway.

I grieved for my loss - I grieved because I just didn't understand. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand what had gone wrong. I didn't understand The Silence who agreed to this, who said it worked for us, it was good for us. Why would he want to stop?

I grieved for my husband. Because I thought I had lost him.

Monday he went to work and I cried all day. I don't cry. Even after 40 with a cane with 40 more later I never cried. But I did then.

I cried from deep within. I felt lost, like a cork bouncing out on the waves. Being dunked and dunked again, never able to see what was happening, not having that understanding, not having any landing place in sight.

I didn't know what to do with myself. The drive was not there to carry on with the day. I was hurt, so deeply hurt. For three and a half years we had done this DD thing. Sure, it had its ups and downs, it frustrations and achievements - but suddenly, it wasn't there any more.

My life, our life - the way it had been was gone. No daily chore list, no consequences if it wasn't done, no accountability. I could shout and argue, do what I wanted, when I wanted - I should of been happy! But I wasn't. I felt that I would never be happy again. Ever.

What was life like before? I could not remember. Yes, I could. It was a life of bitching and arguing from me. Of tantrums and walking out the door. Of us not talking, not communicating, not being loving, not understanding each other. Me the boss. Me the dominant one. Me the decision maker. Me. Me. Me. And I didn't want to be that way again. But that is what would of happened.

And I hated it and myself then. Is that what we were going back to?

It wasn't his fault and it wasn't mine. It had just happened. And I needed to know why, so that I could stop the grieving, deal with the hurt. Move on and hope that we didn't go backwards.

I knew we had grown in our relationship. It was better than before and I know that DD helped with that. I know that it was hard. Just as hard for The Silence as it was for me. I know that it was tiring - that there were days that had gone wrong at work and that he had to come home and deal with some issue - whether he wanted to or not.

Three and a half years. I knew he didn't like to spank that much. I knew he found it hard trying to get through a cast iron butt that could and did, take everything he tried. Even the cane. Hardly any marks or pain afterwards. No reminding residue of soreness the next day. Nothing seemed to work. He had to work harder and longer to get any result. It was harder for The Silence emotionally.

Three and a half years. And we stopped one Saturday morning. Just like that. And I didn't understand the reasons why. Was I so dumb that I couldn't see?

On the Monday when I felt so lost. He came home early from work because he was worried. I was angry. A quiet angry. Not like me at all. I felt I had no purpose any more. That each day would follow the last without any effort from me.

It was not the spanking I was going to miss. It was the connection that brought us closer together. It was the shared moments of forgiveness and love. The cuddles. The communication.

That was when the penny dropped.

He didn't like the spanking. He believed in DD. He knew it worked. But he hated the hurting, of having to spank.

Three and a half years he had felt this way and just could not do it any more. I knew it was a struggle for him, I didn't realize how much pain he went through each time I was OTB. I couldn't see his face, or hear it in his voice.

The Silence had been, was still, in pain over causing me pain. This man that I married, that I had trodden all over before DD could no longer bring himself to cause pain, even for the sake of DD. He had struggled for those years, in silence.

Communication. We had communicated more. But had failed at the highest level. The communication of human emotions. Not the surface stuff, but the deep, deep inner feelings.

Communication comes easy to me - whether it is in anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, joy. It does not come easy to The Silence. I often forget when I am talking. I have to wait for him to process his thoughts. And I am not patient.

Were either of us to blame? Was one of us more at fault at this failure to communicate?

No.

It was both of us. At our own levels we chose not to communicate those deepest feelings and fears. The hurting that was happening not on a butt level, but a heart level.

This is only part one. I will need to gather my thoughts just a little more for part two.

Great Intentions

Well for goodness sakes I never seem to be here any more. I have these great intentions of at least being here once or twice a week, then life happens and before I know it a few weeks, and sometimes more has gone past.

I don't know how many times I have needed to blog since my last one...I lost count long ago.

Life seems to be charging ahead and most of the time I am either rushing from one thing to another or to darn tired to even turn the laptop on.

So many things have changed....

The Silence stepped up ttwd...like really stepped up! There were days that I seem to be forever standing in the laundry...right up until he worked out that when I disappeared for any amount of time our teenage, soon to be 18 year old daughter got suspicious and kept asking where I was.

Then she would come looking for me.....which caused a few heart stopping moments with trying to explain why I was laying on the bed writing in a book or standing in the laundry gazing mindlessly at the wall. Mind you, it did make the time go faster when I was there to 'just calm down' on the other hand while writing an essay (by hand ...not typed..which really, really sucks by the way) it made the time seem longer.

There are no 'grey areas' in our lives any more. They have gone. Basically what The Silence says is what goes. If he does not like what I am doing, then he says so, the next time it is dealt with.

We found the grey areas were hard for him to deal with. With them now gone, our DD life is running smoother. The first week or so, I was on tenterhooks with what I said and did...it did not take long to get back into my normal..ahem....submissive/obedient side.....

 There is now absolutely no 'NO's' for anything. Does not matter what it is, the answer is not to be No. Did you know that you can replace No with 'Why' 'How' 'Maybe' 'Now?' 'Can I' 'May I' and  'Yes Dear'?

He mentioned the other night that maybe the introduction of 'Yes Sir' during discipline times might be on the cards in future too....

So our house is on the market and we have had some open homes... and a few hair raising moments of wondering 'oh my gosh did we put that away' or 'I sure hope the tool box is covered in the bottom of our wardrobe' which is where the implements are kept... Lets face it..how many people keep a wooden spoon, a spatula, a cake icing spreader (gee thanks Willie) and a cane in their wardrobe...not to mention a few other items purloined from the kitchen. And how does one explain a Loopy Johnny? or a Tawse.....

Our room when we pack up to move will be one room that no one will be helping with!!!

It is quite funny when we are looking at house to buy..our first thought is 'Will anyone be able to hear us/see us'?

Well, must move on with the day and get that blasted list finished..I know, not much of a blog, but I did want you to know that we are still alive and kicking..well, perhaps not so much the kicking!

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

Spanking - Controlling the Situation

I was speaking with Willie yesterday and we were talking about spankings and what goes along with it, when I typed to her:

'plus he is now changing the implements while spanking, so I never know what is actually coming anymore, which also changes the way I think and try and control the situation..'


And that was one of those 

Moments.......

'Control the Situation'

Hmmmmmm

And I do...never realised it before. Not until I typed that out to Willie did it suddenly dawn on me that even while over the bed I am trying to control the situation.

I control how much I am going to give in. I have no control over what The Silence uses, or how many swats he gives. 

But I am in control over my emotions. Over all those things that go through my head while OTB or OTK. 

So.....how does one give up those emotions and stop being in control?

Is it as easy as thinking to yourself 'Give in'?

No, I don't think it is...

Not without giving up or changing the way you think.

Willie in her last post (http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/running.html?zx=620a9fd5d640dee8 (I hope that works, if not look up Barney married Wilma) said that we cannot change or blame our past (and I agree) but the way the past has shaped us has a lot to do with the way we now react to life. Particularly DD/TTWD.

And our past does shape us. We cannot deny our past. We cannot blame each thing on our past either. But it has shaped us into what we are today.

We are a product of our upbringing.

I know growing up, it was a necessity to be strong.  Emotions were kept in a tight reign regardless of the situation. You never gave in. To give in meant that you could end up being in a worse situation that you were currently in, you never showed a weakness. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. 

Trust just did not exist, except for the trust that you had in yourself.

It is this that I have to give up. 

The trust that I have in myself...it is the trust that I have to put into The Silence.

And that thought is scary...because in effect I am having to 'give up my past' and build a whole new way of thinking. And this is going to take time. It will not be an overnight change, nor will it be an easy one.

So...while it looks like I am being compliant in a discipline situation, I am actually not. That lightbulb moment was a real eye opener.

To sum it up...I have to let go.

I have to learn to trust not only The Silence, but myself.

I have to trust that The Silence is always going to be there. Funny thing is that he always is at the end, ready to hold and love me and tell me it is ok. 

What it boils down to is me...trusting me.

There are times when I completely baffle The Silence as he swats away thinking to himself that this is not normal...that I should be squirming and crying or doing something by now instead of just laying there.

But you see, I am not giving in.

Oh I know I deserve this, I know I should just let go...I know all that. 

But my thinking is that 'I have to be strong'

Sometimes those spankings hurt like hell (excuse the expression) but I still hang on out of some warped sense of being the strong one, not giving in, not showing a weakness, of staying in control.

Now how daft is that?

Well it is now time to move on, into the day. Stay tuned for part two of this after I have done some more thinking and searching for answers.

May you have a spank free day!

Hugs :)

Erratic Posts

Well once again I am back.

Seems to be the story of my life at the moment...here again...gone again.

Once our daughter came back (after the renovating capers) I found it hard to find time to actually blog. Then two weeks in Malaysia. Have been back a week and have been flat out keeping up with the housework and all those other wifely duties that we all do from day to day.

There have been changes.

There has been a lot of 'off again/on again' DD days and weeks.

We now have The Silence in complete charge of all things. There are no grey areas to cause anymore 'should I or shouldn't I' questions.

This has been a lot easier I think for both of us.

It is his way or no way. Simple as.

Still hard to do things while the daughter remains at home and still have to work out some disciplines can be done without her knowledge. Teenage daughters have the most amazing hearing until it comes time to do the dishes or tidy their room!

So far we have Tuesday and Friday evenings to ourselves so that is a bonus...though sometimes it is hard to have to wait for things to be dealt with over the days that she is home.

Anyway that is about it really..not much to say, other than The Silence is getting good at stepping up and sorting things out. I still have a niggling feeling that this will all go up in smoke at some stage. That comes from previous times of things not being followed through for days.

It is a trust issue. It is an issue that eventually I will have to let go.

Keep smiling, have a spank free day!

And She is Home....

I am not coping well. Not at all.

Not since our daughter came home 7 days ago.

It is nice to have her home safe and sound and I did miss her, but after having the house to ourselves for the last 6 months, being able to talk, deal with things...and do 'other' things when we felt like it, suddenly we cannot do any of it.

I go from bad to worse, knowing that The Silence cannot deal with issues until she goes out. Before she left she went out to dance lessons everyday, which meant we had time to ourselves to deal with issues, talk and just have 'our' time.

This is probably sounding very selfish. I guess in some ways it is.

We have both grown used to having an empty nest.

We have had 7 days of visitors, (nice to know our daughter is loved by others too) or music, or 'Muummmm" and messes. A constant sensory overload.

I know that it is going to take time to adjust to the way things were.

Yesterday we had an 'our' day. Church in the morning, then shopping and home again to an empty house. First on the list of things to do was OTB.

It meant nothing.

I was/am in that distancing cave. So that was as far as we got. I was angry, stayed angry that I could not get past the 'this is such a waste of time'

I have found it easier to push The Silence away since we cannot deal with things at the time. It is easier to push him away in all areas than to know that we cannot do the things we once did at the time that it is needed.

It is all so confusing.

I need it when things happen, but cannot have it, therefore I don't want it and push him away...so dumb. So unexplainable.

I suppose that we will eventually work out a way to deal with things with a young adult in the house that has ears to hear what they are not supposed to hear.

Emotions

It always amazes me how much we all go through...seemingly at roughly the same time.

I blame the air...or I would if we all lived in the same country. Maybe it is the moon, or the tides, or is it just the natural progression of our emotions.

Emotions.....

Happy, sad, joyful, angry, disappointed, frayed, excited, upset, helpless, powerless, trusting, amused, delighted, grumpy, tender, shocked, insecure, scared, worried, restless, loved, aroused, hopeful, safe...oh the list could go and on.

There are many words that describe emotions, and I think at some stage we use every single one of them in our lives with Dd/Ttwd. Sometimes they are intensified because of the way we have chosen to live our lives.

Our emotions sometimes render us powerless in the face of confrontation. We know what we want to say, what we want to do....but in many of our households it is a written, or unwritten rule not to let those emotions go to the point that it can cause pain, not only to your relationship but also to your  derrière.

Emotions are the cause of conflict..either with another person, or within ourselves. More often than not...it is these emotions within myself that causes the most problems.

Sometimes we need to step back an examine the 'why' of our emotions. Something that I need to learn to do, instead of just letting go and aiming them in the general direction of the HoH..which usually results in being over the knee, over the bed, or over something :)

I need to learn to do this: 

Sometimes I need this many.....

And then I might need yet another reminder to stop.....

And at that point.....well really...my emotions are so far gone that STOPPING is just not going to happen

And then I realise that perhaps I have just gone the

That is what emotions do...they often take the wrong way. Yet it is (I suppose) easy enough to stop and think before all is let loose.

Except.....I am a woman. I am me.

Apparently woman think with their emotions.

Great

So where to from here...well this is where I am suppose to come up with some bright idea that apparently is going to solve all these emotional roller coasters that we seem to travel on at the same time...hmmmmm....

Nope...sorry not going to happen. I can only work on solving my own rebellious and sometimes rampant emotions (like..you know...at that 'time')

1). I have to stop and think.

Are my emotions getting out of control (usually the answer is ....yes) and if so, it is time to slow down, take some time out to sort out whatever it is that is going on. Otherwise the potential to lose control is just around the corner from the next emotional outburst.

I need to stop and recognise the signs. Not the stop signs, but the signs that trigger an outburst.

2) Reduce or remove myself from the trigger that caused the emotion in the first place.

Okay, so sometimes easier said than done...what if it is the HoH that is the trigger. Does the rule of not walking away still come into play if I am removing myself from the 'trigger'?

So this is the time when I am supposed to step back, breathe (and probably breathe a whole lot more)

3) Processing your thoughts and turning your emotions into a positive and not a negative reaction.

I feel like laughing here...really I do.....

Because either way, if I have finally got to this stage, somewhere along the line there has probably been a spanking. So I am now positively positive that processing your thoughts while over the bed is a good place to finally end up if you have, which in my case is usually true, skipped steps 1 and 2. 

Hugs and may you have a spank free day

Feeling Like a Newbie....

First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie

The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....

We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.

Six months...

The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage.  DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.

Today is Day One of Starting Over.

Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.

All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.

All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.

Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.

Am I expecting too much?

I don't know.

I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.

And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.

I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.

About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.

Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.

Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?

Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.

Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?

We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.

I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.

Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.

I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)

Have a spank free day

PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.

PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)