There is a calm acceptance this morning.
There is no anger left. I have had many hours thinking
things...
I feel like I am under a mountain, and each day, a small
part of the mountain is chipped away.
It is going
to take awhile as there are only small chips falling. With each small chip that
falls, there is just that more submissive feeling, moving from head to heart. More willingness, more acceptance.
Once the silence that surrounded me protected me from hurts.
Now I am waiting for The Silence to keep chipping, to find me, under the
mountain, waiting and willing to be the person I should be to him.
It is hard for The Silence too. He is the one that has to
swing that which brings each chip down off the mountain. Sometimes, just
sometimes, I am able to chip away from the inside.
But then the space I have created gets clogged with little chips,
which have nowhere to go. I stumble over them. Fight them to move them. Some
days there is no room to move, and in frustration I bang my heart and soul on
those stupid little chips that just won’t move.
The Silence hears me, but does not understand.
The space
that I control is so very small, it is warm in here, dark and safe. Sometimes
there is light, just a tiny speck that calls me forward, I reach out but trust
quickly disappears. The light is suddenly blocked by another chip that has
fallen.
Sometimes the chips just disappear, I have no idea to where.
This leaves more room to move, and more room to make mistakes. More room for
more chips to clog the way. It seems
never ending. I chip from the inside, The Silence chips from the outside,
eventually we will meet and he will be able to take my hand and lead me out.
It is a very big mountain, it is going to take a very long
time.
Yes, it will take a long time, but the chipping away gets gentler and goes in spurts. There are also times of great peace and oneness and they carry you through the rough spots.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could remember who made the analogy but one blogger talked about this journey as a house with many rooms. The common rooms were open territory and pretty easy to clean up. The rooms down the hall upstairs were locked and fully of messy debris. We open each door together with our husbands...hand in hand and when it gets too overwhelming we can close it up again for a bit and rest. Like your analogy, slowly there is more room to move. Keep chipping and be encouraged. This is going somewhere very, very good!
Thank you Susie. I like the reference to each room, and being able to shut the door if you need too :)
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