Dam it...

So yesterday I said that it was 'potentially my last blog for two weeks'...well it is not.

I have a question...

What do you do when you are distancing and your husband distance's too?

Yesterday we had a 'special' night planned.

I waited all day, excitement building and was so glad to see him finally come home.

Ok, I was a little feisty and sassy.  Had a little corner time to settle down.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up with a spanking to deal with the little feistiness. 

I was angry. I went into that distancing cave. Crawled in there and refused to come out.

The Silence left me to it......and went into his own distancing cave.

He didn't deal with me. He should of. It should of been a darn good dealing with too. But he was heading into his own cave. He wouldn't talk to me, gave me short answers when he did. This is something new. I don't know how to deal with it.

I am still angry that he chose a spanking over our planned night. I know it is his choice as Hoh when he deals with things. But he could of waited.

Last night was going to be special as it is was the last night that we could do that 'special' thing before we share our hotel room with our daughter for two weeks. Now it is just a missed opportunity.

I know some people find that spanking is sexually arousing. I don't. He knows this. To me discipline and loving does not go together in the same sentence, and certainly not on the same night. (Ok, so a few taps to the bottom or legs is ok, but not a spanking) This is just the way I am. In some ways I am envious of those that get a spanking then (or later) end up loving each other.

So I guess we both stuffed up.

Our daughter came home, so nothing ended up being able to be dealt with. And knowing this (how can I be so stupid), and knowing that it will now be over two weeks before ANYTHING can be dealt with....I blatantly got up and slept in the spare room. 

I ended up back in our bed eventually, nearly two hours later,  as the spare room has no fan and is incredibly hot. When I came back The Silence was still awake and said that he was about to come and get me. So I told him I was not back for his benefit, just that the room was too hot. Sigh.

Lets just keep pushing shall we :(

I had repeatedly suggested over the last few weeks that he take leave on Thursday..that is today. Just so that we could have a day together before we left...he chose not too. So I am angry about that too. 

Nice to know that his work is more important. (I know, that is an unfair statement, it is just where I am at right now)

Sick of banging my head on the wall. I want him to step up and take a firmer hand. I need it. I am not the sort of person to say 'I will submit to you and be a good wife' without a fight. Oh I know, I asked for this, but it is not in my natural nature to be submissive. I do buck the system, while on the other hand try to be everything I need to be.

I know that he does not like the discipline side of DD. He understands it, but hates it. Hates doing it. I, on the other need to know that he is stepping up into that role. Half the time when I stuff up he does not deal with it. It is so hit and miss. Sometimes I don't know whether I am Arthur or Martha :(

Everytime he does not step up, I take a part of control back. He is giving me permission to be in control. So confusing...

Anyway, it is nearly time to take him his morning wake up coffee. I have done this for years. I don't feel like doing it this morning, but it would feel so wrong and horrible not too.

Maybe a coffee delivered with an implement.......


On a more exciting note...we got woken this morning by the ringing of the telephone at 1.40am to be told that we are now first time Grandparents! That bought us together (not hugging) for a few short minutes. 
We are Grandparents...OH MY GOSH!!!