I have a question...
What do you do when you are distancing and your husband distance's too?
Yesterday we had a 'special' night planned.
I waited all day, excitement building and was so glad to see him finally come home.
Ok, I was a little feisty and sassy. Had a little corner time to settle down.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up with a spanking to deal with the little feistiness.
I was angry. I went into that distancing cave. Crawled in there and refused to come out.
The Silence left me to it......and went into his own distancing cave.
He didn't deal with me. He should of. It should of been a darn good dealing with too. But he was heading into his own cave. He wouldn't talk to me, gave me short answers when he did. This is something new. I don't know how to deal with it.
I am still angry that he chose a spanking over our planned night. I know it is his choice as Hoh when he deals with things. But he could of waited.
Last night was going to be special as it
I know some people find that spanking is sexually arousing. I don't. He knows this. To me discipline and loving does not go together in the same sentence, and certainly not on the same night. (Ok, so a few taps to the bottom or legs is ok, but not a spanking) This is just the way I am. In some ways I am envious of those that get a spanking then (or later) end up loving each other.
So I guess we both stuffed up.
Our daughter came home, so nothing ended up being able to be dealt with. And knowing this (how can I be so stupid), and knowing that it will now be over two weeks before ANYTHING can be dealt with....I blatantly got up and slept in the spare room.
I ended up back in our bed eventually, nearly two hours later, as the spare room has no fan and is incredibly hot. When I came back The Silence was still awake and said that he was about to come and get me. So I told him I was not back for his benefit, just that the room was too hot. Sigh.
Lets just keep pushing shall we :(
I had repeatedly suggested over the last few weeks that he take leave on Thursday..that is today. Just so that we could have a day together before we left...he chose not too. So I am angry about that too.
Nice to know that his work is more important. (I know, that is an unfair statement, it is just where I am at right now)
Sick of banging my head on the wall. I want him to step up and take a firmer hand. I need it. I am not the sort of person to say 'I will submit to you and be a good wife' without a fight. Oh I know, I asked for this, but it is not in my natural nature to be submissive. I do buck the system, while on the other hand try to be everything I need to be.
I know that he does not like the discipline side of DD. He understands it, but hates it. Hates doing it. I, on the other need to know that he is stepping up into that role. Half the time when I stuff up he does not deal with it. It is so hit and miss. Sometimes I don't know whether I am Arthur or Martha :(
Everytime he does not step up, I take a part of control back. He is giving me permission to be in control. So confusing...
Anyway, it is nearly time to take him his morning wake up coffee. I have done this for years. I don't feel like doing it this morning, but it would feel so wrong and horrible not too.
Maybe a coffee delivered with an implement.......
On a more exciting note...we got woken this morning by the ringing of the telephone at 1.40am to be told that we are now first time Grandparents! That bought us together (not hugging) for a few short minutes.
We are Grandparents...OH MY GOSH!!!
Oh Congrats on the becoming Grandparents!! That is so wonderful. Perhaps just hold onto that, and talk about your child and remember them growing into being the parent that they are now. Maybe this will shorten the gap.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I have nothing. My leaky boat is taking on water, and quite frankly it doesn't seem like either of us have the desire to bail................water that is
Thanks Wilma. As far as the leaky boat goes, I could come along and watch it sink?
DeleteOH dear oh dear... I'm so sorry. The way I got over this is to reassure BIKSS that when I'm distanced I need him to come over and get me and reassure me and force me to talk to him. And no matter how I protest, he shouldn't take no for an answer. cos i know deep inside I always feel better AFTER.
ReplyDeleteHe's learned to PUSH and assert himself enough to break thru the "leave me alone" wall, and it gets easier everytime. Now when I'm upset about something and regardless of who i think is being unreasonable (sometimes i know it's me eg like your quip about work is more important that you and you KNOW that's not what it is) I tell him. sometimes i don't tell him straight away. but before lights out he'll know it.
and i've also learnt to ask a lot of questions to find out why he said something or did something and most of the time i'm pleasantly surprised at the outcome. what i THOUGHT was happening seems to only be happening in my brain.
i would have crawled back into his lap and said i needed cuddles and aftercare... but then since spanking and loving don't happen on the same night for you guys, i'm not sure how it would work out. how bout spanking and snuggles now, and loving later on when you get into bed for the night?
sorry.. i'm not sure i'm very much help. Just thought i"d share what i know and maybe you'll find something useful in there.
thanks Fondles, Will have to perhaps get him to push a little harder. First time he has ever done distancing himself.
DeleteCongrats on the Grandbaby!! That's exciting! :)
ReplyDeleteBut, I have no real advice on the distancing as I would probably behaved the same way you did!
My "H" has gone into hiding before, but I usually brat enough to get him out of it, or ignore him until it really bothers him (sort of like silent bratting?)
In the end, you could turn out with a VERY sore backside if he decides to break through his distancing and call you out!
Thanks Emi
ReplyDeleteThe distancing is such an issue in this house, though the first time the Hoh has used it! That was a bit of a shock.
He broke out of it a bit this morning with a small spanking to my rear, and I also have to type a one page, single spaced, size 12 font essay on 'giving space versus distancing'..that is really hard. Because what ever I write I could potentially be hanging myself out to dry.
So far I have done half a page....being very careful with what I say :)
I used to distance quite a lot. I don't do it so much anymore, maybe because i'm an attention seeker and it just doesn't work for getting me attention. My H distances all the time. I really wish that he wouldn't actually because I feel abandoned, even though he has told me he is just thinking. It's funny that we freak when they turn things around on us.
ReplyDeleteGood luck writing that essay and not hanging yourself out.
C.
Hey Callie,
ReplyDeleteI just seem to slip into the distancing thing..sometimes it just takes me by surprise (could be because of the upbringing I had).
That abandoned feeling is horrible. The Silence is aptly named because he is naturally quiet, most times I have to remember this.
Yes, the tables did turn last night quite a bit..and it was FREAKY!
Wrote the essay..it took all day. A day of sighing and deleting. Not to bad with the hanging out dry bit :)
Hope all is going well for you and that the problem you were having and the 'finding out' on Thursday went well.
Hugs
For EMI
ReplyDeleteHe did come to himself...and yes, I am fair glowing since he decided that this mornings taps on the butt were not enough.
What made it worse was those darn endorphins!!!! As much as he spanked, the more I laughed..even when it hurt like..h***. Now I feel like a glow worm with a shiny rear!!!
You might want to check Susie's blog, M3. She just had a similar struggle and describes over 2 posts how she worked through it. This is the link to the first post: http://hermischiefmanaged.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-battle-for-my-heart-part-1_13.html.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Personally, Daddy will distance once in a very great while, and I will just sidle up to him, take his hand and say, Daddy I'm not allowed to hide, do you want to talk about anything. Most times I will offer myself to him for stress-relief (yes, it helps them, too). As long as we do it respectfully, we can pull them back, too.
OH!!!! And CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! And I hope the trip is wonderful & healing :) (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete