Well..Almost got the Dangling Carrot

And that was the end of my no spanking or corner time streak of nearly, almost...three days

(and he looked like that too)

The Silence is back at work at few days ago after having five weeks off. It seems strange having the house to myself again. The quiet days..not that he is noisy....

So anyway, I lost my concentration on the dangling carrot of being spank free for a week because of one simple question...want to know what it was?

'Do you want to go for a walk?'

Seriously ... one dumb question that I answered no to.

Then was told that we were going, that the final decision was his.

Weeeelllll ok...so why bother asking when I actually had no choice anyway?

We went on our walk, with me being mature making snide remarks about nothing in particular.

Then I decided that what I really wanted to say was '***k' knowing that I am not allowed to swear, I used other words instead, one after another, just like the mature woman I am....

Trucks, ducks, sucks, trucks suck...and the list goes on.

Except....

Someone who is the Hoh of house is not as silly as one would hope. He started playing 'the game' with words like:

Paddle, smacking, cane..and his list went on too :(

We finally headed home and into the bedroom I go...and there he applied the physical aspect of the words he was using..but not the cane..we don't have one of those..yet....

I guess I am still angry that he asks me a question that he usually knows that the answer is going to be 'no thanks' and then tells me that we are doing it anyway.

I cannot understand the reasoning behind this at all.

Why cannot he not just say...'hey get your shoes on, we are going for a walk?'

Why give me the choice to say no, then get peeved when he says yes we are?

I know...getting peeved is my choice.

Anyway, I am starting the eyes on the dangling carrot again..so far not much trucken luck....

Award..Thanks Elle :)

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We Made It

We made it through the storms. We survived, the sun is shining and life appears to be normal. I know that just a few short miles down the road there is flooding. There are families that are going through what we all went through two years ago. They are going through it again. For us, we were lucky. The water was not as high as it was two years ago, so has not come near us.

Though two years ago the house was not flooded, we were an island in the middle of flood waters. Had the water risen to the height that they predicted we would of been floating in a sea of brown, muddy, debris filled water. Lucky for us, it never reached its peak.

Though we did not lose anything in the floods of 2011, I can feel for those that did and for those that are losing right now. I know because I have lost my 'life' twice. Not through floods or storms, but other circumstances, where I have lost everything treasured and held dear. Where I have had to walk away and start again.

I could relate.

And I can remember...

The eerie silence, no traffic, no kids playing. The street lights, almost flooded to the bottom of the light unit...still flashing ...red to green.
The eerie silence of no birds..nothing...just quiet.

And at night, the darkness with the silence. No street lights, no sound. It made you feel like you were the only people left on earth.

The feelings are the same. The feeling of loss, the feeling that our street, our community, the people in it, would forever be changed on how they viewed life.
I remember the devastation right outside our front door. The mud metres deep, the smell, the piles of possessions on the side of the road.

Photo albums, crockery, clothing, toys, teddy bears and furniture.

The tears of neighbours of they carried treasured possessions to the side walk to dump on a forever growing pile.
I remember holding a lady while she cried as she watched her children bring out item after ruined item of her life. Things that she had worked for, saved for, been given.

And my heart broke for them.

I got just as angry when the rubber-neckers came with their cameras. Taking photo after photo of peoples lives in piles on the side of the road. Taking photos of their ruined houses. Of them in tears.
Oh yes, I got just as angry, and yelled with the rest of the neighbours at those who thought it was great to take photos of the personal devastation.

I was there when the neighbours joined forces and made a human barrier across the road to stop those people from coming through. I watched as they stopped one car and took the camera off a boy hanging out the window taking snapshots while the father drove. I heard them telling the father that it was wrong, to go away and teach his boy about compassion and privacy.

And I agreed.

I listened to trucks and cleaning equipment day after weary day going up and down the road. Taking away piles and piles of family history.

I ended up going away for a few days. I just could not take the tears, the rubber-neckers, the smell and the noise of those trucks anymore. I went away and cried and cried not just for their loss, but for once, my own loss as well.

I have watched as those same families have moved away. The devastation and memories too much for them.
Some families and business's have only just got themselves together...two years later. Only to be faced once again with brown muddy water flowing into their lives.

For some, just a few short miles from us, it will be too much. Most will bounce back. They will pick themselves up, dry themselves off and start again.  That is human nature. Some will move away. Some cannot move - their houses are unsellable. No one wants to buy a house that has been flooded twice. No one wants to live in an area that is considered to be a flood zone. In some ways they have lost even more than just possessions. They have lost the money invested in a home of memories. They are now trapped into staying where they are.

The battle with insurance companies will start again. Some will be lucky, others will not be.

I started this post as I was going to compare weathering storms with weathering life within ttwd/dd. It has not ended up this way. For this I am sorry if that is what you were looking for. I will blog on that...perhaps later on today.

My fingers have had their own thoughts on where they should be placed on the keyboard and to what letters they should be pushing.
I think I needed to get this out. Get it out of my system.

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Hugs xx oo xx

Will Be Back

Sorry folks that I have not caught up with you all, or blogged (is that how it is spelt?) Having storms and flooding where we live right now, so most of my time is spent cleaning up after gale force winds and rain.
Playing the waiting game right now to see how the floods pan out.

Will say here though that I have had two days no spanking or corner time!!! Yay me!!

Love to you all, and sincerely hope to catch up with you all soon xxooxx

Laughter..normal or not?

So I have had a few days of Sassy Sassy following me around and getting me into all sorts of trouble with The Silence.
Corner times that were becoming rare, having made an amazing comeback. With new rules thrown in about how they are done.
New rules, decided by my wonderful enduring Hoh. New rules that I am having trouble accepting...but that is ok, I will get there in the end when the heart knowledge makes it to head knowledge that he is the Hoh and he decides how CT is to be done.

And once again I digress from my original thoughts about this post...

Laughing....

Not just a little giggle or a quick laugh, but a full, right from the deep down recesses laugh

just a few times

when

I

am 

in this position  

and when The Silence is doing this...

Why is this? Why is this happening when I am being spanked, when it still hurts like the dickens?

Where is this laughter coming from?

It is rather disconcerting to The Silence, whose wife is laughing her head off while she is being spanked...rather disconcerting to me to be the one that is doing the laughing too.

It has happened twice now in the last 30 hours or so.

Is this normal? I have been known, and I know others have too, to laugh with nervousness...but this is a full laugh while OTB.

Fitness...

The new Daily Task Book addition

To be used daily or get a spanking....figuring that using it daily will tighten the rear somewhat

making it more sexy, rounded and tighter.

Perhaps then when the 'need' arises (which of course it hardly ever does) for a spanking

The Silence will be so stunned by the 'new, improved rear' that his mind might wander to somewhere else :)

(and not where you were thinking of either...I did mean..distracted)

Changes

So I have been a bit slack over the last week. 42 to 45 degree heat has not helped any with motivation or my moods.
I hate being hot and sticky and prefer the cold...at least you can put on more clothes if needed, but being a female you are expected to keep your top on with the necessary clothing underneath...unlike the male species who can strip off the top half and at least cool down somewhat that way....but I am digressing here...

I have been thinking about changes.

I have been thinking that before ttwd/dd life was....well, normal....

We went from day to day, just being us. Nothing changed. It was the same life, same thoughts, same day to day activities that brought on the same day to day feelings that you ignored and hoped that they went away.

Until you woke up in the morning and the cycle started again.

There was no growth. Nor in myself, or The Silence or in our marriage.

Were we asleep and just moving in a dream over the last 23 and a half years of marriage?

It surprises me that you can live in the same house with the same person and spend that many years, or any number of years without growth.
The only growth I think I had seen was in the growth of our children.

If I look long and hard, there would be, there must of been, some form of growth. Some form of learning to deal with issues that never really got dealt with. But that would not of been positive growth.

Now to rewind to October 2012.

Changes came and in some areas came quite swiftly. In other areas, not so quickly. Some areas we are still working on.

We started on this journey that was both frustrating, emotional, stretching and rewarding. The rewards far out numbered the emotional roller coaster. At least I can say that now...though at the time all I could see was  my own frustration.

That journey, as you know, if you have followed me through the blogs was Dd....Domestic Discipline.

Right from the start there was growth. It literally was like waking from a dream...or fog of a marriage. Suddenly we are trying to be in roles within our marriage that was foreign to both of us. There was frustration and sometimes anger at each other, probably more on my part than The Silence's.

Since October 2012 we have learnt much about each other, and about ourselves. There has been growth. Positive growth.

Communication has been a big step for us, actually talking to each other, not just in passing but about things that matter. Things that pertain to our marriage and ourselves.

Communication has brought trust. Something, I am sad to say that had been lacking. I find it very difficult to trust people. I pick and choose who are my friends very, very carefully, and have a very small circle of friends that I have watched and weighed, sometimes for weeks before I have let them near.

This I have also done with The Silence.

I love him, I married him, I have lived with him for a very long time. But trust was not always there. I learnt very early on in our married life, that I could not always rely on him with my most inner thoughts, desires or emotions.

This was not his fault. He was busy trying to survive in a house that, lets face it...I ruled. I ruled it with control. I ruled it with my emotions and anger. We did it my way and no one else's way.

The more I felt lost and alone, the more I pushed for that control. A circle of emotional deceit, that I thought I should not, could not give in to.

But that has changed.

I am more open to him now. He is more open to me.  Ttwd/Dd has brought about that change. Oh, I have not gone down without a fight...that is not in my nature to do so. It does not matter how much I want this, how much I know in my heart that this is good, there are areas that I still fight to control...but that will change in time.

So...Communication leads to trust....where does trust lead to?

Trust leads to a more intimate relationship. And I am not just talking about the sexual side....though I must admit, there have been changes there too :)

We hold hands when we are out. We hug each other more, talk to each other more. He calls me his 'babe' Ok...that took some getting used too...being over weight and forty something and being called 'babe'....

I look at The Silence and know, without a doubt, that I am HIS. He has my heart, (if not always my mind) my body (and I blush at that line), my life.
He has my desire to to put him as Hoh. He has my desire to be there for him. He has my desire to the wife that I should of been, but now am learning to be, that he deserves.

He has my respect, my obedience (ok working on that one) submission (um...ok working on that one too) and love...oh yes, he has that without any doubt at all.

Communication - Trust - Intimacy...and changes.

In our marriage, in ourselves, between each other.

Just a funny..or three

Funny how all three of these pictures seem to fit into our house quite well.......

May you have a great day/night

and

May it be spank free (especially for those that have carrots dangling in their faces)

Hugs :)

Driven...Revelation

I used to think I was Superwoman...no not this one:

Even when our first child was born, the house would be perfect. Nothing out of place. Everything done. Every day. While I was slowly get more and more tired.

I was driven by guilt. A by-product of my childhood. 

But I would not give in. Driven, always driven. And that sense of pride when people would ask 'how do you keep your house so tidy with a baby?'

I had some people say that our house was like a showroom. It was not until recently that I thought, 'yes it was'. But it was a show room without respect and honestly, without a lot of love shown. Love felt...yes...but not really shown. But that is a different story altogether.

This one is about the revelation that I had towards the end of boot camp. One that I have had to sort through for the reasons why.

We are all driven for some reason or another. We could be driven by success, wealth, fear, family, failure, friends (lot of f's in that list) study, work....and the list could go on.

And here is a new one for you...if you are not in the same driven boat

SELF PUNISHMENT

Aye/What? is what you are currently thinking right now...yes?

How can someone be driven by Self Punishment?

Well, I am an expert...so let me share my thoughts with you.

I was brought up by my Grandmother, after my mother died when I was two and a half. Actually both Grandparents...but I say Grandmother because SHE was the Hoh, 

 She was old school. There was a place and a reason for everything. Don't step out over the line or out of the finely detailed circle of control. It was not safe to do so. Sometimes, even inside that circle one was not safe. And I mean not safe. It was an abusive upbringing, both physically and emotionally. 

(There is a reason why I have included that little bit of info...if you read on, you might get the connection)

Before I bought/suggested DD to The Silence, I had to examine my motives.

Was I trying to re-create my childhood? Was I looking for what I had known as a child to regain some balance?

The answer to those questions was no, I was not. It took a long time to sort through it though, as I had to be absolutely sure, that it was not what I was looking for.

The reason for DD was solely for the purpose of having The Silence as Hoh, where he should be and to increase our relationship with each other. Plus of course, all the respect, love, obedience and submission that was due to him from when we first started going out together.

As I wrote above, our house was always in order. Regardless of being sick, or having just had a child, nothing was out of place.

I was driven by a need to have things right. Have things in control. My environment had to be 'just right'

The toothpaste had to be facing a certain way, the towels hanging in perfect order, the bench with nothing on it...etc...well you should be able to get the picture.

If things were not in their places, I would be driven to do even more. It was like I had failed. If the washing was not done when it was supposed to be done, I would create even more work.

Why? To punish myself for my slackness. Self Punishment.....driven by a need to be in control.

I wanted perfection...an unattainable goal, that I constantly punished myself for failing to achieve.

My whole life was a round of failure - punish - failure - punish. And those words could go on for pages and pages, but you would get bored and I would never get this down, so lets stop it there on the understanding that you know what I am talking about. 

Because I am not the only one. I have seen it in others.

As a teenager I controlled my world with being a rebel. The more I got into trouble (I was kicked out of home at the age of 14) the more I felt that I needed to punish myself with destructive behaviour.

Finally, I sorted myself out. Started going to church, met The Silence and got married.  I loved this man, I still do of course. But right from the start there was a need to push and punish. I had to prove myself to him....or at least that is what I was telling myself. 

I would say something to him that was not nice. Then beat myself up over it, never talking to him about it. Then push myself, sometimes beyond my limits doing housework, or doing ridiculous things like walking to town in the heat of the day when I could of taken the car. Knowing that what I was doing was not good for my health.

The more The Silence loved me, the more I felt unworthy. The more I drove myself to do things. I felt I did not deserve his love.  Even though I loved him and we got married, I always felt inferior, always felt the need to be better. Always felt the need to punish myself for any failure, any little thing that went wrong.

Forever self punishing for stupid things.

It was not until towards the end of boot camp that I had this revelation about self punishing.

It was the second to last day, and The Silence was being lenient (I am choosing that word instead of slacking) 

I knew that I should of been corrected for certain behaviours that he had let slide. I knew that denying myself lunch, even though he had made it and I was starving, that hanging out the washing in 42 degree heat, then standing out there getting the last loads off the line was not a good idea.

I knew this.

It was while I was taking the washing of the line (and while The Silence was waiting for me to come and eat lunch) that I had the revelation that I do these stupid things because I must punish myself for any wrong doing.

It was a like a light had gone on in the darkness. I did this to make myself feel better. I pushed my own limits as a form of Self Punishment. To control the situation, to control how I was feeling.

It was here that I went inside and had lunch. A very quiet one with The Silence.

After lunch I told him about my revelation. See, this is something new...this communication thing, where I now feel free enough to talk about 'things'

This has only been since we started ttwd/dd. It is one of the best things that has happened.

I also know the reason why people say I look more relaxed and happy.

Because now, I am (most of the time) not driven by the failure - self punishment- failure - self punishment cycle. I don't need to be.

I am no longer uptight and driven by the need to control (most of the time) my environment, and no longer driven by the need to punish myself for my own failings.

This does not mean that I expect The Silence to deal with every issue that comes up. Now that I am more aware of what drives ME, I can now drive IT. I am, in one sense, in control.

Oh, not in The Silence correcting my indiscretions, but in how I now react to situations before, during and after.

Is this going to make me a better person? Will this make me more obedient? More submissive?

Lol...probably not. Because even with change, my character remains the same. And that character is the sassy sassy person, who does have an answer and a reason for everything. I can blame my Grandmother for that one trait :)

You know....

KNOWLEDGE BRINGS FREEDOM

Moody Moments...or Days...

'How do you think today went?'  He asks as my back is to him laying in bed.

 (The Silences normal end of the day question that I hate, as we always seem to see things differently....I see it as great and he sees it as something...well...different...purposely as he might, just might, be able to be persuaded otherwise)

'I think today went well' (please, please, please can we not have this conversation)

'Really?'

'Yep, I hardly talked to you, so didn't get into trouble there' (yeah, there was a reason for that)

'You did a lot of swearing today' (Yes, dear...but only little swear words)

'I did? oh...well I will try harder tomorrow'

'Come on.....'

'Come on where?' (as if I don't already know :( )

'You have been out of sorts all day. Maybe I should of caught this earlier, but you are not yourself. Now come on'

'But I am myself...come back to bed'

(Darn, I can hear him get up and rattle in the 'implement' draw. So I close my eyes and hope for the best 'pretending you are asleep' show ever)

'Hurry up!'

(Obviously my acting skills still need some polish if I cannot do a 'pretending you are asleep' show successfully) 

'But I am fine, I am just tired. Do we really, real......ly have to do this tonight? Can't we just go back to bed and go to sleep. Come on, (as I pat his side of the bed) come to bed...you are tired...very tired....you don't want to be doing this tonight.
And I am all good...seeeee.....(as I smile into his face which worked about as well as pretending to be asleep did)

'No, you are not all right. What was wrong today?'

'I was just...I don't know...grumpy. Pms'ing or something. But I am all good now' (Which I wasn't, and not to sure if I am now either the next morning)

'Right. Pants down'

'How about you drop yours and lean over the bed, and I spank you?'

'NOW'

'Oh alright' (so I pull his down instead...honestly, I thought that was what the NOW was for...actually no, I was delaying)

The Silence just stands there, shorts around his knees...he is not moving at all. No Siree, there is no smile, no movement. Maybe, just maybe I have pushed the line a bit too far?

'I am going to count to three, and you had better have your pants down and off and be over the bed'

'Alright already'

'1'

'Slow down'

'2'

'You are counting to fast!'

(pants are at least down at this stage, but still getting to the OTB position)

'3'

'No, no,no WAIT! You counted to fast. I am getting there. Hang on'

'No, you get there now. I did not count too fast at all'

'I am not bending over there now. You are going to swat me with that thing before I get into position'

'No I wont'

'Go over there then so you can't reach. Are you sure you want to do this now? We could do this tomorrow instead?'

'Get over the bed ...NOW!'

So that was how last night ended. I went to bed with a glowing bottom. Yesterday was not a good day. Today, will be better. . . so long as I can get out of this mood I am in. I am fighting it, but it is like a loosing battle. Like I am in a fog or something. Sounds silly I know, and should be easy enough to drop the 'moody attitude' I mean..it is my attitude/mood...so therefore I should be able to change it.

Sigh....

Well, we shall see how today goes. Maybe we just need to lock up the house and go out for the day....yeah, maybe not....

Name Change (Thanks Callie)

Name change from M3 to Hez :)

Hello peoples...when I first started blogging, or rather my gmail account I could not put in the name I wanted, got frustrated and just put in M3.

Thanks to Callie :) I now have changed my name to Hez (a name that The Silence used to call me, now he just calls me his darling....and I can hear you all say...awwwwwww)

So there it is....If I comment....and I am way behind on reading the blogs....sorry...it will now be as Hez and not M3

Have a great day!! :)

Suggestions and Advice :)

Ok, so this is going to be a funny post...not funny hahaha, but funny as in, well, I don't know...not your average post I guess.

As the title suggests, we are after some suggestions and advice. By the way, it would be in my best interest, or rather that of my rear if I did not 'have' to blog this post.

I know some of you are probably going to not agree with what I am asking, and that is ok. Everyone does ttwd/dd differently. I don't hold it against you :) But you might still have some valuable advice or suggestions too :)

But if you are a spanker, or rather find yourself OTK or OTB then this post is aimed at you :)

If you are not, then by all means feel free to read on. It is on the suggestion of The Silence that I ask......sigh.

(You know he has his own blog now...he could of asked you himself. )

Right-t-o, first off, here are some photos of our current arsenal implements:

These are the homemade loopys

                  And these are store bought items

                                                                       That shoe horn...ouch!

These are the homemade paddles, olive canes, and the infamous Mr Glue!

Mr Glue (for Malcolm) 16 inches long, two glue sticks glued together, then heat shrink wrapped over that

This is mean, mean, mean and is only used in the utmost, absolutely utmost circumstances 

(thank goodness that I am such an Angel...cough cough)

Moving along now to the question that we need suggestions and advice on, and the reason why I have posted the photos.

(By the way, why is Turkey called Turkey when Turkey does not come from Turkey?)

And that is what happens constantly in our house...way off subject...everytime. We call them 'squirrel moments'

(Don't worry about the answer to that question as The Silence has just looked it up. The answer is this...Turkey used to be called Turkestan, which is a Persian term meaning 'abode of Turks..a place where the Turks live)

Anyhoo, I am avoiding the issue here...

After a spanking should you feel a 'reminder' on rear? For a half hour, hour or a few hours? And if so....What implement does your Hoh use that gives you that reminder?

And here is the reason why those questions have been asked.....

As you can see by the photos, we have an assortment (though most homemade ) of implements. Most hurt like the dickens for an extremely short time. And I mean an extremely short time. By the time the next one bites the first bite is a forgotten memory.

And here is my problem. I want to be reminded for awhile afterwards that I have had a spanking. Have it there to remind me of the reason why I was OTB/OTK in the first place.

Is this normal?

I have what The Silence calls a cast iron butt....only because I have broken a few, ok more than a few, implements.

Is there anything that will actually 'last' ?

If I have to go through a spanking for something then I would rather it be worth the effort of being OTB/OTK.

I know, it sounds weird...maybe I am weird, But honestly,there is no pain other than the actual spanking, there is nothing afterwards, by the time I have given the last count, it is like I have not even had a spanking, my bottom only goes a slight pink. Sometimes I have been reduced to tears (and had that release) and that has been because of the sting of the paddles one after an another. And only then in the most extreme times. 

I know this is a weird post...maybe I am just weird and abnormal?

Is there anyone the same? Suggestions? Advice?

The Silence also is at a loss, as he would like me to be 'reminded' too for a while afterwards. Instead of me just getting sassy afterwards.

PS. I would like to point out here, that the issue is the afterwards...not the during. As some of those implements hurt like hell!

Blogger: The Silence (at last)

Well here it is!!! da dah!!!

After weeks of encouraging The Silence to blog, and after days of waiting for him to get his thoughts together....here is his blog.

Now you get both sides of the coin...  :)

http://thesoundsofthesilence.blogspot.com.au/

Our House :)

Sometimes, if it was not for the fact that The Silence would like a record kept of how I have felt through this, I would not even blog. Sometimes.

I cannot put on paper what I really mean, apparently sometimes it comes across as criticizing him and that I am forcing him into being an Hoh. Well, sorry about that. But these are my feelings...it is what I see at the time.

So, lets do a post on what does go on in our home:

1) I get spanked if I even mention stopping ttwd/dd. Because he can see the benefits of this, and does not            want to stop.  I signed a contract saying we were in this for life. And that is the way it is going to be. (This came from the Meltdown of all meltdowns just after China)

2) He reads every post I do. He has every right to ask that I change or take down a post. He has every right to comment and put his spin on things.

3) Though it might not seem like it, I obey him...sometimes eventually...in all things. There are consequences if I don't, that he chooses. Not me.

4) More than half of the rules that we have, were his choosing. Plus he has added a few more as we have gone along. These also have been his choice, and a choice he is free to make.

5) When we communicate/talk we say it as we see it. If that means saying exactly what we see or hear, then that is the way it is. That, in our house, is communication. And...as this is my place to put down what I feel and see, I will put down what I feel at the time. If that is frustration and anger, that we are still struggling with the same issues again and again..well, then that is exactly what I will write. I will never lie on here, nor write something that does not come from the heart. Regardless of what it is. What would be the point in lying or covering up facts and feelings? How would that help me? How can people give advice if the truth is not there? How is that going to help someone else, who could be in the same situation?

6) He has a choice in whatever he chooses to do. We can discuss it, but ultimately the choice is his. I know this. I respect this.

7) He asks that I tell him when he has missed something, or to tell him when he should of corrected certain behaviours. It is how we are learning. He understands that there is frustration on my part, as there is on his. Which I understand.
This however does not mean that either of us does not get angry with each other. That is normal human reaction.

8) You have to know my husband as I do, to see why I get frustrated with some things when he does not step up. Really, when I think about it, ttwd has a two fold benefit.
I have seen people walk all over him in our married life. I have seen him miss out on things because he has not stepped up to the plate at the time. I have been hurt over this time and time again for his sake. I want him to succeed at this....this ttwd...that he chose to do, by himself, without any co-ercing from me, other than the information I brought him. I want him to know that he has every right to make every decision as he sees fit, that he is capable of doing not just this, but other things as well.

We have had people comment on how we both look different. With him the comments are about how sure of himself he now seems, confident, happier and in control.
They say that I look different, relaxed, happy. Now, if he did not want this, if it was not of his choosing, why would people notice the change? There would not be any, in either of us.

Yes, I get angry and frustrated like many of us wives do. Yes, I write what I am feeling at the time. I asked The Silence last night if he felt that some of my posts were criticising him...his answer was no, he does not. This is good enough for me, as I know that in this area he is very, very strict in. There is absolutely no put downs or anything of that nature tolerated in the house. It was one of the first rules that was laid down.  And one of the rules that he never seems to forget to deal with!!

Day Three and Four...(and many more)

I would like to say that Boot Camp is finished.

But it is not. We are carrying on by mutual agreement for a few more days.

I did start this blog off by writing about what we have done, how we have got on doing this intensive 'training' so to speak.

But they were just empty words, with no meaning. No feeling.

Day one was good. The ground rules were set and we went for it with no slacking off, total obedience...ok, not quite total obedience.
Then as day two and three followed things started to slip. For both of us.
The Silence started to let things slip and I started to get frustrated, angry and bratty. Oh how I hate that word bratty.

I was at a loss, feeling abandoned. That his heart was not in this, and we were just doing this as a fill in while he was on leave.

We sat down on day three and discussed by mutual agreement carrying on for another few days. I told him that I thought we needed to. That we had both been slack. So it was agreed that we would carry on until day six.

I know some of you will not agree with doing a six day boot camp...but wait, like those in-fomercials, there is more.

Day four came around with a whole new set of problems. Mainly of the 'not taking up authority as Hoh' Once again it left me thinking that this is meant to be boot camp for goodness sakes! But it was just a  day like any other.

We ended up talking...communicating.

We talked about authority, being in charge, being the Head of the House, did he actually want it? Why did he keep letting things slip all the time?  And I don't mean just an odd slip here and there either. I mean whole hours within boot camp that is supposed to have a 'No Tolerance' policy. We talked about his doubts, giving in and up on boot camp.

We talked about how he felt that he had failed, and that he agreed we should stop boot camp. I talked about   how if he gave in now, that feeling of failure would always be there. How it would affect Dd/ttwd.

I listened as he said that he had always been the 'Mr Nice Guy' throughout his life...trying to find acceptance.
I told him he could still  be that person, he is only taking up the God given authority he has in this house.

We talked a lot and agreed to continue boot camp for a few more days. Though we would have a few hours break and adjust the timetable to suit our needs instead of following it straight from the book. I also said that I would not carry on if things did not improve. That this was not an off again - on again thing.

We went through each room in the house for him to tell me that he has authority as Hoh, and expects obedience, submission and respect in each room, with me replying I accept. A verbal and physical affirmation of the lifestyle that we have chosen for us.

We reaffirmed that while on boot camp, there would be no tolerance to anything that was a rule and I broke it, or if I bucked the system in anyway.

We lasted a mere hour or so,  in fact probably not even that before I was frustrated and angry again over the lack of communication, the running around in circles, travelling the same road around the same mountain and never get nearer to the top.

So I told him that this was it...there was NO MORE BOOT CAMP! I was tired of the frustration, the anger, the hurt that I felt, the talking that seemed to get us nowhere. The constant feeling of not knowing what was going to happen.

We had planned and talked, researched and written notes, wrote our own book of rules and expectations, lists of tasks, activities...we had covered everything we should of covered, all written down to help for weeks. So that we both knew exactly what we were going to be doing. And we were not doing it.

It was all a waste of time. And before someone comments and says that it is hard being an Hoh...I know that. I truly do. What I fail to understand is how someone can talk, make decisions on how things are going to be and then get up and forget all that was said.

I shake my head in wonder and frustration.

He went silent after I said that we were not doing this anymore that night, in bed. That I could not do this day to day, with the frustration building.

He was quiet for half an hour, writing in a book. Then he said that he asked for my forgiveness for not being the husband I deserve. For not being the husband who was Head of the House.

He asked for my forgiveness for trying to be nice to me all the time. For trying to please me, for letting me do  things, which were rules that I broke, because he did not want me to be unhappy.

It put a whole new spin on why he struggles. Sooooo....we talked some more. Wrote a list of  'the things he needs to listen for' things like:

I don't want..
No..
You do it
You can
I am not

All the things I say - that I shouldn't when he asks something.

And we started all over again.

The next two days the changes came. The Silence (after writing those things on his hands) stepped up the game. Boot Camp suddenly became boot camp. The way it is supposed to be done.

I have seen a change him over the last two days. He is stronger, more aware, more able to take charge and say/do what needs to be done.

We have now, as of this morning finished boot camp. It has been an extremely hard and long week. Though it has had its fun moments too.

It has been an emotional roller-coaster for the both of us, with many learning curves that sometimes spiralled nearly out of control.

But we got there in the end.

He is taking some things from boot camp and incorporating them into our daily life:

Bedtime when he says it is...(some thing that he scoffed at, at the start of ttwd, when reading others blogs)
Have to stay in bed until 6am...(sheesh...really?)
Must eat breakfast and lunch...(eh..)
One compulsory spanking before sleep to re-affirm his role as Hoh..(I can think of a better way...)

And there was something else...but I cannot remember it :(

So we are now out the 'otherside'

Was it worth it? Was it worth all the emotional stress/frustration etc?

Yes, it was. It increased our communication. Our love for each other. Our understanding of each other. It made us both look at our roles within our marriage...and accept them too.
It gave us insight to each other that we have never had in the nearly 24 years that we have been married.

There is a change in the household...you can almost feel it.

I just hope that we never lose it.

BC - Day One and Two

A good friend said to me this morning when I asked them how they were:

'Fine, but I am not the one up boot camp river with 2 new paddles'

Which made me laugh as one new paddle is longer than the other..which means I would be paddling in circles!

 To which the reply was:

'well if I was in the boat with you we'd be moving!  because I would require the shorter paddle

AND because I'd be paddling like hell to get away from a paddling!'

So good to have such great supportive friends in blog land :)

So...Day one ended with a bedroom spanking for being sassy sassy. Not quite what I had in mind when we finally went to bed :(

We both survived day one, with each of us learning more about each other. Each day there are four compulsory homework assignments that deal with different issues. It is a great way to communicate.

Our first assignment was going over the rules on day one. The Silence decided that we would do it like a mind map. So much better than just reading from a list. It put things in more perspective when making a 'tree' of the rules and how quite a few of the rules actually relate to each other.

Basically, where possible we have been doing the assignments this way, instead of just writing a page together. It is more fun to do them like this, than sitting down and writing page each on the when, why, how.

The Silence starts off great in the morning, and though he is getting stubborn better at picking things up, seems to slacken off towards the afternoon. Of course I take advantage point this out to him.....eventually.

We have decided to get a hobby that we can do together. So far we have come up with building a sports car...on the cheap, and not much else.

So if anyone has any ideas on what sort of hobbies wife and Hoh can do together, I would appreciate them.

(Preferably ones that will not bring on frustration, sassy-ness, disrespectful-ness, ..well, you know the list)

He did come up with this idea:

 And decided it would not be a good one

The first day I cried...a lot. I cannot believe one can have so many tears inside. Not just because of the compulsory spankings, but because of the loss of control, not being able to control anything, in any way at all.

And I don't cry....ever! Well, I have cried a little bit since starting ttwd...stupid emotions

It was not a good feeling, knowing that someone else was in control.

Yesterday (day two) I took back some of that control. I did not cry..oh, a few tears here and there, but other than that, nothing. My mantra, if that is what you want to call it was 'don't cry, don't cry, you are not going to cry'

Why? I hear you ask.

No idea, other than I think it was a desperate attempt at controlling something tangible. I have no idea how today (day three) is going to go. And no idea whether The Silence will decide to have a day four/five.

Today, if all goes well could be the last day of BC.

(I just had a look at a preview of this post, it is coming up all screwy, no idea why though. Hoping that it posts properly)