Great Intentions

Well for goodness sakes I never seem to be here any more. I have these great intentions of at least being here once or twice a week, then life happens and before I know it a few weeks, and sometimes more has gone past.

I don't know how many times I have needed to blog since my last one...I lost count long ago.

Life seems to be charging ahead and most of the time I am either rushing from one thing to another or to darn tired to even turn the laptop on.

So many things have changed....

The Silence stepped up ttwd...like really stepped up! There were days that I seem to be forever standing in the laundry...right up until he worked out that when I disappeared for any amount of time our teenage, soon to be 18 year old daughter got suspicious and kept asking where I was.

Then she would come looking for me.....which caused a few heart stopping moments with trying to explain why I was laying on the bed writing in a book or standing in the laundry gazing mindlessly at the wall. Mind you, it did make the time go faster when I was there to 'just calm down' on the other hand while writing an essay (by hand ...not typed..which really, really sucks by the way) it made the time seem longer.

There are no 'grey areas' in our lives any more. They have gone. Basically what The Silence says is what goes. If he does not like what I am doing, then he says so, the next time it is dealt with.

We found the grey areas were hard for him to deal with. With them now gone, our DD life is running smoother. The first week or so, I was on tenterhooks with what I said and did...it did not take long to get back into my normal..ahem....submissive/obedient side.....

 There is now absolutely no 'NO's' for anything. Does not matter what it is, the answer is not to be No. Did you know that you can replace No with 'Why' 'How' 'Maybe' 'Now?' 'Can I' 'May I' and  'Yes Dear'?

He mentioned the other night that maybe the introduction of 'Yes Sir' during discipline times might be on the cards in future too....

So our house is on the market and we have had some open homes... and a few hair raising moments of wondering 'oh my gosh did we put that away' or 'I sure hope the tool box is covered in the bottom of our wardrobe' which is where the implements are kept... Lets face it..how many people keep a wooden spoon, a spatula, a cake icing spreader (gee thanks Willie) and a cane in their wardrobe...not to mention a few other items purloined from the kitchen. And how does one explain a Loopy Johnny? or a Tawse.....

Our room when we pack up to move will be one room that no one will be helping with!!!

It is quite funny when we are looking at house to buy..our first thought is 'Will anyone be able to hear us/see us'?

Well, must move on with the day and get that blasted list finished..I know, not much of a blog, but I did want you to know that we are still alive and kicking..well, perhaps not so much the kicking!

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

Spanking - Controlling the Situation

I was speaking with Willie yesterday and we were talking about spankings and what goes along with it, when I typed to her:

'plus he is now changing the implements while spanking, so I never know what is actually coming anymore, which also changes the way I think and try and control the situation..'


And that was one of those 

Moments.......

'Control the Situation'

Hmmmmmm

And I do...never realised it before. Not until I typed that out to Willie did it suddenly dawn on me that even while over the bed I am trying to control the situation.

I control how much I am going to give in. I have no control over what The Silence uses, or how many swats he gives. 

But I am in control over my emotions. Over all those things that go through my head while OTB or OTK. 

So.....how does one give up those emotions and stop being in control?

Is it as easy as thinking to yourself 'Give in'?

No, I don't think it is...

Not without giving up or changing the way you think.

Willie in her last post (http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/running.html?zx=620a9fd5d640dee8 (I hope that works, if not look up Barney married Wilma) said that we cannot change or blame our past (and I agree) but the way the past has shaped us has a lot to do with the way we now react to life. Particularly DD/TTWD.

And our past does shape us. We cannot deny our past. We cannot blame each thing on our past either. But it has shaped us into what we are today.

We are a product of our upbringing.

I know growing up, it was a necessity to be strong.  Emotions were kept in a tight reign regardless of the situation. You never gave in. To give in meant that you could end up being in a worse situation that you were currently in, you never showed a weakness. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. 

Trust just did not exist, except for the trust that you had in yourself.

It is this that I have to give up. 

The trust that I have in myself...it is the trust that I have to put into The Silence.

And that thought is scary...because in effect I am having to 'give up my past' and build a whole new way of thinking. And this is going to take time. It will not be an overnight change, nor will it be an easy one.

So...while it looks like I am being compliant in a discipline situation, I am actually not. That lightbulb moment was a real eye opener.

To sum it up...I have to let go.

I have to learn to trust not only The Silence, but myself.

I have to trust that The Silence is always going to be there. Funny thing is that he always is at the end, ready to hold and love me and tell me it is ok. 

What it boils down to is me...trusting me.

There are times when I completely baffle The Silence as he swats away thinking to himself that this is not normal...that I should be squirming and crying or doing something by now instead of just laying there.

But you see, I am not giving in.

Oh I know I deserve this, I know I should just let go...I know all that. 

But my thinking is that 'I have to be strong'

Sometimes those spankings hurt like hell (excuse the expression) but I still hang on out of some warped sense of being the strong one, not giving in, not showing a weakness, of staying in control.

Now how daft is that?

Well it is now time to move on, into the day. Stay tuned for part two of this after I have done some more thinking and searching for answers.

May you have a spank free day!

Hugs :)

Erratic Posts

Well once again I am back.

Seems to be the story of my life at the moment...here again...gone again.

Once our daughter came back (after the renovating capers) I found it hard to find time to actually blog. Then two weeks in Malaysia. Have been back a week and have been flat out keeping up with the housework and all those other wifely duties that we all do from day to day.

There have been changes.

There has been a lot of 'off again/on again' DD days and weeks.

We now have The Silence in complete charge of all things. There are no grey areas to cause anymore 'should I or shouldn't I' questions.

This has been a lot easier I think for both of us.

It is his way or no way. Simple as.

Still hard to do things while the daughter remains at home and still have to work out some disciplines can be done without her knowledge. Teenage daughters have the most amazing hearing until it comes time to do the dishes or tidy their room!

So far we have Tuesday and Friday evenings to ourselves so that is a bonus...though sometimes it is hard to have to wait for things to be dealt with over the days that she is home.

Anyway that is about it really..not much to say, other than The Silence is getting good at stepping up and sorting things out. I still have a niggling feeling that this will all go up in smoke at some stage. That comes from previous times of things not being followed through for days.

It is a trust issue. It is an issue that eventually I will have to let go.

Keep smiling, have a spank free day!

And She is Home....

I am not coping well. Not at all.

Not since our daughter came home 7 days ago.

It is nice to have her home safe and sound and I did miss her, but after having the house to ourselves for the last 6 months, being able to talk, deal with things...and do 'other' things when we felt like it, suddenly we cannot do any of it.

I go from bad to worse, knowing that The Silence cannot deal with issues until she goes out. Before she left she went out to dance lessons everyday, which meant we had time to ourselves to deal with issues, talk and just have 'our' time.

This is probably sounding very selfish. I guess in some ways it is.

We have both grown used to having an empty nest.

We have had 7 days of visitors, (nice to know our daughter is loved by others too) or music, or 'Muummmm" and messes. A constant sensory overload.

I know that it is going to take time to adjust to the way things were.

Yesterday we had an 'our' day. Church in the morning, then shopping and home again to an empty house. First on the list of things to do was OTB.

It meant nothing.

I was/am in that distancing cave. So that was as far as we got. I was angry, stayed angry that I could not get past the 'this is such a waste of time'

I have found it easier to push The Silence away since we cannot deal with things at the time. It is easier to push him away in all areas than to know that we cannot do the things we once did at the time that it is needed.

It is all so confusing.

I need it when things happen, but cannot have it, therefore I don't want it and push him away...so dumb. So unexplainable.

I suppose that we will eventually work out a way to deal with things with a young adult in the house that has ears to hear what they are not supposed to hear.

Emotions

It always amazes me how much we all go through...seemingly at roughly the same time.

I blame the air...or I would if we all lived in the same country. Maybe it is the moon, or the tides, or is it just the natural progression of our emotions.

Emotions.....

Happy, sad, joyful, angry, disappointed, frayed, excited, upset, helpless, powerless, trusting, amused, delighted, grumpy, tender, shocked, insecure, scared, worried, restless, loved, aroused, hopeful, safe...oh the list could go and on.

There are many words that describe emotions, and I think at some stage we use every single one of them in our lives with Dd/Ttwd. Sometimes they are intensified because of the way we have chosen to live our lives.

Our emotions sometimes render us powerless in the face of confrontation. We know what we want to say, what we want to do....but in many of our households it is a written, or unwritten rule not to let those emotions go to the point that it can cause pain, not only to your relationship but also to your  derrière.

Emotions are the cause of conflict..either with another person, or within ourselves. More often than not...it is these emotions within myself that causes the most problems.

Sometimes we need to step back an examine the 'why' of our emotions. Something that I need to learn to do, instead of just letting go and aiming them in the general direction of the HoH..which usually results in being over the knee, over the bed, or over something :)

I need to learn to do this: 

Sometimes I need this many.....

And then I might need yet another reminder to stop.....

And at that point.....well really...my emotions are so far gone that STOPPING is just not going to happen

And then I realise that perhaps I have just gone the

That is what emotions do...they often take the wrong way. Yet it is (I suppose) easy enough to stop and think before all is let loose.

Except.....I am a woman. I am me.

Apparently woman think with their emotions.

Great

So where to from here...well this is where I am suppose to come up with some bright idea that apparently is going to solve all these emotional roller coasters that we seem to travel on at the same time...hmmmmm....

Nope...sorry not going to happen. I can only work on solving my own rebellious and sometimes rampant emotions (like..you know...at that 'time')

1). I have to stop and think.

Are my emotions getting out of control (usually the answer is ....yes) and if so, it is time to slow down, take some time out to sort out whatever it is that is going on. Otherwise the potential to lose control is just around the corner from the next emotional outburst.

I need to stop and recognise the signs. Not the stop signs, but the signs that trigger an outburst.

2) Reduce or remove myself from the trigger that caused the emotion in the first place.

Okay, so sometimes easier said than done...what if it is the HoH that is the trigger. Does the rule of not walking away still come into play if I am removing myself from the 'trigger'?

So this is the time when I am supposed to step back, breathe (and probably breathe a whole lot more)

3) Processing your thoughts and turning your emotions into a positive and not a negative reaction.

I feel like laughing here...really I do.....

Because either way, if I have finally got to this stage, somewhere along the line there has probably been a spanking. So I am now positively positive that processing your thoughts while over the bed is a good place to finally end up if you have, which in my case is usually true, skipped steps 1 and 2. 

Hugs and may you have a spank free day

Feeling Like a Newbie....

First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie

The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....

We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.

Six months...

The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage.  DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.

Today is Day One of Starting Over.

Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.

All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.

All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.

Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.

Am I expecting too much?

I don't know.

I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.

And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.

I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.

About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.

Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.

Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?

Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.

Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?

We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.

I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.

Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.

I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)

Have a spank free day

PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.

PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)

Conversations....

Me:  'Stuff you. You can get up and get your own breakfast for a change'.

HoH: 'I beg your pardon?'

Me: (Slowly sliding under the sheets because once again the brain connected to the mouth that was in fourth gear instead of neutral)

A short time later....OTB

HoH:  'Saying 'stuff you' is unacceptable. Do you understand? It is unacceptable...'

Me:  Not unless you are saying it to a chicken

And that was the end of that serious situation.

Not much to really blog on. Still slaving away at the renovating. Ttwd on some days take a back seat to painting and sanding. I think we are just tired of the whole messy, dusty house at the moment. Our daughter comes back in five weeks after being away for six months. 

I was hoping that we would be well on our way with ttwd long before she got home. I seriously doubt whether we are much further ahead than 6 months ago. At least some days it seems we are. But most of the time things are ignored. The rule list seems to have gone out West somewhere, because it sure as heck not in this house. Do I sound annoyed?

Well, I am and then again I am not. 

There is so much going on at the moment, that it is, in some ways a relief not having to stick to the rule list. Because if we were....well....I doubt whether there would be much renovating going on. It would be more than likely me OTK or OTB for the better part of some days.

I am hoping to be back on track with blogging soon. I miss this, and keeping up with you all.

And much easier to get to....

I really have to remember this one...really, really remember this one

And this one...My mouth has a mind of its own...

May your day be spank free

 :)

(PS. Even if I don't comment on your blog, I am still thinking of you all...often, while waving a paint brush around)

Renovating

I feel like it has been weeks since I have been on here. We/I have been busy with sanding and painting the inside of our house. It seems every time we turn around there is something else that needs fixing or painting.

It is never ending. And I am tired of it all...tripping over sanding blocks and paper, having to skirt around furniture, currently living in three rooms..our bed is in the lounge, our clothes are in our bedroom and our drawers are in the spare room. There are drop cloths everywhere, paint cans and paint brushes, doors off hinges and hinges off doors.  (and that sounds like a song from 'The Sound of Music)

I feel like blogland is a distant memory, and every time I do make it here (which is not often at the moment) it is like being a newbie all over again.

DD/Ttwd seems to have taken a back seat to everything else. There appears to now be one rule and one rule only...'Watch how speak'. All the other rules appear to have been ditched. I am tired and my husband is tired.

I have had a lot of time to think though....while waving a paint brush around.

This life we have is very much like renovating.

The HoH is the renovator and the wife is the renovat-tee (I know...a new word)

The HoH is digging out, sanding down the rough edges, rebuilding and making his wife 'pretty' on the inside. The lovely submissive wife is willing (ahem..) and  is basically getting a makeover. Much like our house.  And much like our house, every time you turn around there is something else that needs to be fixed.

Dd/ttwd is not an 'end to a means' It is an ongoing journey, just like renovating a house. Yes, you can rush it through (much like we are trying to do with our house, possibly ready for selling) but there will always be things that need to be 'fixed' Even with rushing through it all, moving from one thing to another, means that you have the potential to leave something behind that should be dealt with first. Which means you have to go back and 'repair' what you have missed.

Our emotions are like the colour we paint on our walls.

The paint we have chosen is a neutral colour. But it changes in the light...In bright sunlight it is white, in the shade it is cream, and in really dark places it takes on a deep cream/pale yellow colour.  It is those deep dark places that intrigue me. 

They are like the places that I keep hidden...my intense desire to be submissive/obedient. The intense desire to be wholly, one hundred per cent, belonging to my husband in all areas. To sometimes just be 'ruled' by him. The intense desire to give all of myself...not just some of me, not just eighty percent. The intense desire to know that when I do something that is not pleasing to him, is not in accordance to him being the HoH that there will be something that will remind me later of what he expects. 

Physically, emotionally, mentally and, yes...even sexually wholly his. 

I have had to examine myself over the last few weeks. Am I a weak woman for wanting this? No, no I am not.  I am not naturally obedient, or submissive. I am a strong woman who has an extremely strong willed nature. Oh alright....a rebellious nature. It would take all my strength to be like this.

I keep this part of me hidden. I don't know why. Maybe it is a trust issue. I want to give that one hundred percent, but that means letting someone into my life fully. I can hear you wondering why I have parts hidden from him, my husband. I can hear you wondering 'if he is your husband, then he should know all of you' and yet he does not. Even after twenty four years of marriage, I struggle with giving over my all. Not trusting was so ingrained in me throughout my growing years, that it is a second nature....a second skin. 

That skin keeps me together from day to day.  I can sit in a crowded room and know every person there, and yet still feel alone. But I can tell you about their lives, their dreams, their sorrow. Because I watch and listen. Most times there is a bubble around me that no one gets through. Those that I choose as friends come into a smaller bubble.  That bubble is even smaller for my husband, much closer to that second skin, but still there never the less. It is this bubble that has to break. 

I want this. But even now I should be doing something else instead of sitting here. That daily list of extra things still needs doing. I am puzzled on how one can want this so bad, yet struggle with a simple daily list.  

Is human nature that complex?

One day all this will fall into place. There will be no more bubbles or second skin. I will be his, all the way. It was a big step, and a big trust issue to even think about telling him about Dd/ttwd. He could of laughed, rung the people in white coats and had me carted away to some padded room. But he didn't.  That was nine months ago. We have been through the start of the renovating process with each other. There have been times when we have had to go back and start again. There have been times when all hell has broken loose and it has felt like the house of emotions was about to come tumbling down. But we weathered that, came through stronger, learnt a lesson, filled in the cracks, sanded them down, painted another colour and moved on. (and yes, it did happen quite a few times). 

Eventually I will be his....all of his.

The Sassy Wiggle

I have never been an eye roller...I leave that to The Silence, even though he says he does not...he does...often.

I have been a 'whatever' person. Though that got a short shift by the introduction of a wooden paddle and even more time spent with my nose in a corner.

Now we have the 'Sassy Wiggle' Which has nothing to do with this lot.....

It is more like this:

And the Hoh is starting to notice other little 'Sassy' moves.

The Sassy Wiggle

The Sassy Face

The Sassy 'hmmm'

The Sassy Toes

The incredibly Sassy Fingers

Oh sheesh, there is far to much 'Sassy' in my life at the moment. No wonder the Hoh is getting used to recognising them all. 

All of them getting put to rights under the new implement from Willie..(thanks Willie)

Hugs to all and may it be a spank free day!

Why Taking Back Control is not Good For Us

Why Taking Back Control is not Good for Us

Yet another essay

(It means that: 1 – I get a spanking, 2 – I end up having to write a 750 word essay)

My husband is the leader of the home. Not just within our marriage dynamics but also biblically.

When I take back control I am undermining his leadership and without meaning to subconsciously rebelling against him in his leadership role. This makes him feel like he is inadequate as a leader and husband in the home. This in turn causes disharmony within the relationship.

Being submissive/obedient to my husband makes him feel loved and contented (at least I think it does). When I take back control, I am upsetting the balance that we have strived to reach. It cause disharmony between the both of us.  It takes a while to get back to where we should be. Sometimes taking back that control is very subtle (like a snake in long grass).

Yeah, I know it is a cat..but it was so much cuter than a snake

But in case you want the real deal.....

 It goes un-noticed for awhile before suddenly full blown ‘control’ issues are seen. Through the gradual build up over a period of hours or days of undermining my husband’s authority, I find myself in a position of having to relinquish once again control back to him. The longer the ‘snake in the grass’ gets away with its subtle take over, the harder it is to get back on track.

This leaves my husband feeling frustrated and a bit lost with what has actually happened. In fact, to be honest, sometimes the ‘take over’ is so subtle that even I have not noticed until all of a sudden the penny drops and I realize what has been happening – sounds silly I know, but it does happen. 

This situation is not good for either of us – obviously.

It takes us back to the one step forward and two steps back scenario. Though my husband has been more of an HoH in the last month than ever before, and we are certainly going ahead, there is always the potential of those control issues getting out of hand and turning into those ‘meltdown’ moments. When this happens, figuratively speaking-all hell breaks loose. This takes us back almost to square one (and a very sore rear).

Submission is an act of the will. I am willing – but human. Sometimes those human ‘emotions’ get in the way. Especially when nowadays the equality of men and woman is taught at every turn in the page of life. It is not easy giving that control to a husband when you feel that you are alone in this journey (except of course for those friends on blogger).

(Submission/obedience takes a strong person – not a weak person. Many people consider it to be demeaning and degrading.  It is those who do not understand, that despise a virtue they know nothing about. They are vocal about being against it, because in some ways, I think they wish the same but are just not strong enough to face up to it. Sorry if that offends you, it is just what I think. Submission is never forced on a person. It is the opposite of oppression. Submission is a gift of one to another. It is a gift that is given. Sometimes needed to be given daily or several times in a day when you find yourself on the verge of taking back that control)

Anyway, I think I have gone off track to the purpose of this essay of ‘Why Me Taking Control is Bad for us)...So, back on track we go. 588 words completed.

Darn...now I have lost my train of thought...with 168 words to go.... (Apparently this type of sentence should not be counted in the total word count in future)

Our house runs smoothly and happily when the dynamics are in the right place. The Silence as the HoH, and me as the submissive/obedient wife.  It doesn’t seem that hard to do...but in reality, though it does and is getting easier (in some areas) it is hard to do.  

Trying to take back control is destructive to our relationship. Or maybe that should read ‘taking back control’ instead of ‘trying’.

You know I could point out here that it is bad for my rear....

Nope still don’t have my train of thought back...this is what happens when your HoH is on the other side of the table listening to some monotone person talking on a video 

37 words to go....

I guess that really what it boils down to is this:

Good dynamics in an HoH/DD/Ttwd households relies on both the husband and wife being in the place where they should be.

The husband as the head and the wife in obedience/submission. And the last thing being, while it is not good for me to take back control......

We can both learn from our failures as well as our successes. 

Even if sometimes I feel like just doing this......

Just a Little Rambling Post :)

Three days away at an Internet Conference (yawn yawn) but it did mean that we were away from the house which was nice.

No spanking (or hardly any) and I did find out that it is no good saying 'You cannot spank me because people will HEAR' Because The Silence will attempt to spank anyway :(

New rules are afoot in the House of Hez! (Or should that be the House of HoH?)Some I keep forgetting, but that is ok as The Silence is there to remind me of them...sometimes daily.

It really is hard to keep track them...these new rules. Some deal with habits...like smoking.
Now only allowed to buy one packet per week...sigh. That is going to be a hard one as some weeks I am pushing for two and a half packs of tobacco (I roll my own).

The Silence has certainly found his niche as HoH.

If you have read my previous post about him going all HoH in the mall, then you might enjoy knowing that the words

'Excuse ME?'

came out of the HoH'y mouth at the conference. Ok, so I was peeved and walked on past him without saying anything. But we did get some looks when he said THAT loud enough for people to hear.

Last night when we finally made it home it was 'catch up spanking' from the things that happened while we were away. You know, those things that I said he could not spank me for as people would HEAR.
For some reason, his lecture seemed absolutely hilarious. I know, that sounds disrespectful...it is not meant to be. Honestly.

It was just that when The Silence said...

"I expect you to treat me with the most respect when we are out and about'

I just could picture one of our daughters teachers who considered interrupting to be...

'The absolute height of rudeness' (seriously, you have to have an English accent and speak in a posh voice to get this)

Well, The Silence said his piece in almost the same sort of voice...I found it funny, he did not. Oh well.

So ttwd is plodding along quite nicely right now. We seem to have found our places..hmm, some of us are still having problems in that area. Not telling which one of us though.

I have learnt this :

Then again, sometimes The Silence remains silent...this is probably the reason why...

Lucky 'crazy' does not happen often :)

Hugs and may your day be spank free!

COME BACK HERE!

Boss Day..last Saturday.

Picture if you will a busy mall, on a Saturday, on Easter weekend, school holidays...a VERY busy mall, the busiest on our side of the city...and the most popular one too.

Add into that picture a wife who is starting to get just a little frustrated with all of the crowds, not being able to find what she is looking for, and the 'interactive directions map' is ...well...crap.....

Go a little bit further into the picture and see the wife (the good submissive wifey) standing by her Hoh waiting for him to use the stupid interactive map and find the store they are looking for. Picture too, if you will, the Hoh looking up the wrong shop, walking away and letting someone else use the stupid crappy machine after spending a good five minutes getting the thing to finally work and then five minutes trying to find the shop in the list.

Add in (sorry hope you are good at adding in) a wife with an incredulous look on her face that her Hoh has looked up the wrong shop after all that time and has now handed his place over to someone else, and that good submissive wifey walks away when the good intentioned Hoh says that they can line up again and use the interactive machine for a second time.

And the good submissive wifey keeps walking....

'COME BACK HERE!'

Ah...What? It is in red and large for a reason...because that is how HE yelled it....in a mall, a busy mall (did I say that it was an extremely busy mall?)

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

OK, so he got all HoH'ee....which is good (I guess) but in a MALL?????

I would like to point out here that the rest of the day did not go well at all. He was apologetic and I was silently apoplectic.

For some unknown reason I was looking around for the kid he was yelling for to COME BACK HERE! before I realised it was me he was talking too...ME....his good submissive wifey!!!

I guess that I can be thankful that it was not in church.....

I am more mindful now when we go out though, as I have no idea what he could yell next time. So it has a silver lining after all.

We have a three day seminar coming up next week, all day for three days...I so hope that he has no reason to forget that we are not at home and that he cannot just say what he is thinking...loudly!

So Much to Say

There is such a lot to write about...and no good place to start. I have been so busy lately that blogland has had to have taken a back seat to everything else. I apologise for not catching up with you.

Lots of 'things' have been happening here, so much so, that even the thought of coming here to write has had no appeal. So much to say.

We recently decided on a four week break from ttwd, after a meltdown that I had. It had nothing to do with consistency but then everything to do with it. The Silence has been consistent for quite a few weeks now, but in my fragile state of trust it only took one night of inconsistency for me to lose it. That sorted with communication, new things in place and we started a new week. 

Only I still had not forgotten or forgiven.

My body became a  NO GO zone. No looking, no touching - don't even think about it. With the new things in place not actually happening and me going to bed extremely early each night - communication went right out the door and Distancing Daisy took its place.

During the week I took a step towards handing back some of the control that I had and I felt like he didn't care. In confusion and turmoil things just went from bad to worse when Friday night came round and HE thought it was time to have a snuggle and...well..you know...

Only Distancing Daisy had other ideas, and they certainly did not contain the thought of a nice snuggle up in bed. All hell broke loose. Things were said that should not of been said, spankings were administered with one swat being higher up than usual..and that was the end of that.

It was then that we decided that we would take a four week break to see if this really was for us. The Silence felt the next day that he had made a wrong decision in agreeing to the break...me, I just felt lost and still confused.

Sunday rolled around and we went off to church. Where I sat alternating between hurt, confusion, pride and anger. Pride being the biggest one of all.

It would of been so much easier to just hand him my wedding band right there in church and tell him that he could take a running jump somewhere. Oh how I hate myself for even thinking that. I was so hurt and confused.

At this stage I knew that we needed ttwd in our lives....I knew it, but pride in admitting that I was in the wrong was so strong. After church we went out with coffee with one of our 'adopted' daughters. Trying to act like all was ok, while trying to deal with her very real problems.

We had a stroll around the shops and it was not until later when we got home that The Silence said that he had to smile to several times as I asked 'Do you mind if we go here/there? Is that alright with you?' He smiled at it because he was thinking I have never asked before, and he was also thinking that we really needed ttwd in our lives, and that there was no way he was going to give it up.

I cannot even remember asking if we could go into shops...does this mean that my mind is now automatically thinking before doing? I wish it was so when it comes to the meltdowns.

Later that afternoon after much thought and the swallowing of a rather large lump of pride I went to him and told him that we needed to do this. He needed to be stronger, not to walk out of the room when things got tough, better to give me time out, than to walk out without saying anything to leave me thinking that he did not care enough to see it through.

He explained that when he does that, it is so he can get his own head together - I suggested bedroom time if that is the case. Just do not leave me there thinking the worse possible thoughts. 

So, we are back on again. We lasted less than 48 hours without ttwd.

We were like ships passing in the night. Silent with each other - there was nothing that we could say. It was horrible and I hope that we never go there again - EVER!

I never have been an emotional person. Perhaps I would have one meltdown a year. But since starting ttwd last October, I seem to have a volatile nature that blows its top at least once a month - only this month it has been twice.  I could blame PMS/horror moans etc, and I think part of it is just that. Geez I cannot wait for menopause....

I think a lot of the emotions are really based on how much control am I willing to give to over. I don't want it, but there are times when I recognise that I am very much in control...and I hate it. While I hate it, I am also afraid to let go...hence the meldowns. It is at those times that I feel extremely vulnerable and out of control of my own space. 

They talk about flight or fight mode...stupid me always goes into the fight mode. Just automatically, it just happens. It is before this point that we both need to recognise and deal with long before things get way out of hand. The Silence walking out is not a good idea - because I want to fight and he is really leaving me in control. I have to learn ways of letting go and not having a major meltdown.

Bedroom time is one of the options that was used on one of the nights that control took over and all common sense went out the window. While it did work, and I was quite ready to go OTB on return, The Silence was still at a loss and did not follow through. He had handed me back control again.

I know that this is a learning process for both of us, even 7 months on. It will be a slow process I think. Patience - something I am not good at all.

I want this to work, but I want it to work now - unreasonable, yes I know. I am working on be more patient and understanding. But unless you know The Silence well, it can get very frustrating going over and over the same things.

I don't know if any of this made sense - but it has been good to finally get something out on 'paper' I now have to go and start the Daily List, which now has more added to it to teach me more about obedience and submission. I don't mind. Unlike at the start where I hated that list, it has now just become part of my day. I also have an accountability space to fill out, so that The Silence knows what I have actually done during the day. Just because he is at work ttwd does not stop. That side of the list has gotten me OTB a few times now, not many, but enough for me to remember that I have to be the 'good wifey' even if he is not here.

I think it was Jill who had mentioned the accountability list. It has been a big help to me, teaching me that while he is not home and I have the freedom to do whatever I like, I am still answerable to a loving husband and Hoh.

Hugs peoples, and may your day be spank free.

Sorry Racing in to Post This...Before

Sorry, just popping in before OTB....

Yeah...well.........  :)

Phew..What a Week

Firstly my apologies for not being around for the last week or so.  Between having to deal with all the rain, fundraising for our daughter to go to Mozambique and major PMS'ing, or Horror Moans or whatever you want to call it, I have not felt up to blogging at all.

Also, I am very sorry, but blogger right now does not like me much, and I am unable to post a reply to most comments on my blogs. I would love too, but for some reason only half the page loads :(

The Silence has certainly stepped up to the plate over the last week. Not much 'getting away with it' going on in this house. Which is really good as now I know where I stand :)

I have now been spank free for three days! Not because I am good, just because I have no energy to be anything but a perfect Angel........another few days and that might change...

And...

The last two mornings I have stayed in bed!!! And once again that has nothing to do with being the obedient wife. It is just that 'this month' has been a bit over the top, so energy levels are right down, so staying in bed was a darn good option...once again, that might change in a few days. We will just have to see what happens. :)

I hope that you are all well. I am aware that once again I am way behind on everyones' blogs. I will try and catch up with you all over the next few days!

Hugs to you all

100th Post..come have some cake

This is my 100th post! So, I baked a cake...for all of us :)

mmmmm...that looks might fine! 

Help yourself :)

And on to more pressing business...

Yesterday was a spank free day!

Whoop whoop!!

Right up until bedtime when Miss Sassy Sassy decided to join us for a threesome :( I noticed though that she shifted pretty smartly when someone got a swatting.

And this morning got off to a good start with an OTB meeting due to the fact that once again Hez could not stay in bed.

But...or butt, take your pick..

He said to me this morning when I pointed out that he was going to miss his train that -

'That this was more important, that I was more important than catching a train, and that he could catch the next one'

Ok, that was sweet.

Once upon a time he would of just left for work, in fact in some cases, left early just to get out of the house.
I cannot remember a time when 'I' was more important. I am sure that there have been times, he has just never vocalised it.

It made me stop and think that this has changed us. A lot.

I do have to stop and look at what has changed. It is so easy to get caught up in what hasn't.

There have been very subtle changes that sometimes, like this morning, I just have not noticed. Changes to the way I think about doing things. Changes to the way I now shop. Changes to the way I used to do things..now I think first -

'What would The Silence do or say if I did this, or this, or this?'

I don't always stop and think of course... my halo isn't that far and shiny upon my head!

I feel like we have been doing this forever...this ttwd. In fact it is only since October 2012 - four months, which in some ways feels like a lifetime.

Ups and downs...oh yes! Anger and frustration...oh yes! Tears and happy moments...oh yes!

Do those happy moments out weigh the rest? Yes, in some areas they do.

There have been times when I have felt, like The Silence too I would imagine, that we are yo yos been rolled up and let out again and again. Or bungy jumpers, throwing ourselves off a perfectly good bridge into the unknown to swing back and forth, finally stopping to just hang, not going anywhere, then slowly let down to find our feet again.

Two guesses what HE is after......

 

No idea where this journey will lead us. Upwards and onwards I guess. There will be times when frustration will rear its' ugly head. Distancing Daisy no doubt will pay another visit and park her car on the lawn. Miss Sassy Sassy, I am afraid never goes far at all. I think she just hides in a cupboard somewhere in the house. And when she is sick of being in there, she comes out to play...unfortunately at the moment that is everyday.

Some days are like this

And other days like this

And that is the way it is :)

I hope you enjoy your virtual cake. 

Thank you for your support by reading, commenting and giving advice and sometimes a well needed laugh :)

Hugs and may your day/night be spank free!