Last Night, I Gave you my Heart

Well I could say that yesterday was a punishment free day....I could, and I will. Because it was.

Not because of me, lets face it, The Silence had only just been home for about a minute before I yelled at him to watch my toes as he opened the door. With THAT tone.

A minute. That is all it took. Sigh.....

It is funny how we both stop now and just look at each other. I don't think we have ever looked at each other so much before.

The Silence is looking at me while he opens the door and offers a replay of that moment, just so I can get it right.

'Mind my toes please dear' sounds a lot better than 'WATCH MY TOES!!!' with THAT tone.

There were other little incidences too throughout the night. Nothing major.

But The Silence was tired, it rapidly became what he termed a 'Gracious Night' Lucky it was really, as we added more things to THE list.
My butt agrees it was good to have a Gracious Night.

I told him we should swap roles one night just so he could see how hard it is sometimes. He wouldn't agree to that.

I talked about in-consistency, that he has to follow through, even when he is tired.
He talked about me fighting the punishments, or at least the spankings. I told him that the mind and heart was willing, but the body had a mind of its own. I agreed to try harder to get into position, to not argue and make him laugh.

Making people laugh at tough times is a coping mechanism of mine. It deflects the pain. For me. Whether it be emotional or physical. It makes it hard for HOH to carry out his job.
I told he is going to have to be tougher.
I know he hates the discipline side. I told him I was proud of him. I loved him more than I did last week. That I will love him even more next week. And I meant it. Every word.

I talked about respect and at the moment it seemed like a one way street. A street I was travelling alone.
I talked about how I was trying to undo, not just our marriage years, but my growing up years too. Those young years were not that great.
I have had to manipulate, control, yell and demean just to survive. There is the gentler side to me too, which surprises a lot of people. The dark side has hidden and kept safe the good side.

That is not an excuse. It is just the way it was.

Come to the dark side....we have milk and cookies. No, don't, it is too hard to get back.

He talked about how I might notice what I have said is wrong. He does not, because he is so used to hearing it from me. For 23 years. For such a long time.

I talked about how he does not see that I am trying. He does not praise the good. He only sees the spanking and the punishment. He said he does. I don't hear it. Because praise from him is something I am not used too. For 23 years. For such a long time.

And I have just had today's revelation. Just like that. Dropped into my head from above. Like a gentle river flowing into my life.

Our wedding vows were not traditional. I kept thinking how important it was to use the ones we did. I didn't know how to tell him because I did not know why I wanted them.. A few weeks later he told me he wanted to use a particular part of the bible as our wedding vows. He opens his Bible to the exact same scripture. It was a 'God' moment. There was no back peddling, just a straight answer of 'yes'  to those scriptures.

I have in some ways a strong sense of integrity. My word is my bond. Simple as. If I know I cannot keep it, I cannot and will not give it.  I will not give it and take it back.

Normal vows would have given me a way out. I would of found a loop hole. Eventually, somehow, when things got too tough. While saying love and obey, I would of had my fingers and toes crossed.

God knows this.

These vows, spoken in love to my husband have no loop holes, they are as direct as they can be.

Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go, I will go; where you lodge I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die — there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!” (Ruth 1:16-17)

And there you have our wedding vows. Submission. Total.
Never marry a man you cannot or will not follow.