The 5th D...

No surprise really that the 5th D is now part of the Disrespect, Disobedience, Dishonesty and Dangerous family.
No surprise at all.

Sometimes the internet is a pain in the butt... (haha). It gives too much information for The Silence.

Welcome, one and all the 5th D!!!! Clap clap clap.

DISTANCING

and the clapping stops.

No surprise either that it is now part of the family after what I said last night.  After I grabbed my pillow and a blanket and headed for the couch.

'I don't want to speak to you right now, I don't want to be near you, I don't want to see you or even be in the same room as you'

Yeah. I know. Dumb thing to say.

I wanted to push him away, as far away as possible. I wanted to be alone on the raft that seemed to be drifting further and further out to sea with me on it. I didn't want anyone else  helping to paddle to get back to where I needed to be. I wanted to curl into a ball and just be...alone. Somewhere else. No confusion. No hurt. No having to explain things, or face things. I wanted to go deep down into that safe place.

We hadn't even made it bed. It was still early, he was reading, and I was floundering for a foothold in amongst the confusion.

I am not going into details of why all this happened. It is now irrelevant. Or one would hope so. It was nothing big, it was just one of those stupid little things that tipped the scales the wrong way.

I want to get this written, to clear my own mind, my own emotions. But I am struggling. It has taken over an hour to write what I have. I keep deleting things, adding, deleting. I have never found writing something so hard. I think in some ways part of me is still on that distancing raft, which is why I am finding it so hard to write about.

I apologise for the confusion in this blog today. Believe me when I say I am just as confused.

Anyway.... 2 hours later after telling it straight talking about things with the The Silence:

I ended up with that dreaded corner time for attitude. And I did it. Clap for me here please...I did not fidget, I did not move, I did not turn around, I did not think of the chicken dance, or dearly beloved or think about asking 'are we there yet' The toes did not do their sassy sassy sassy dance. And it was for AGES!!!

And because our daughter was home and the more 'normal' means of punishment could not be dealt with,  I ended up for the first time with lines :( I hate lines too!!
So from corner time to lines. Except one must learn not to say...

'Hey, not to long-a-line!' as they walk past and see what HOH is writing for you to copy. My HOH is magic. He can suddenly turn 75 lines into a 100. Just like that.

'I will not distance myself from --------- as it is harmful to both us'

Writing lines takes ages. For me it is worse than Corner Time! My toes were starting to do the sassy sassy sassy dance. By line 31 they were not sassy, sassy, sassy. They were PEEVED! By line 43 I had the message loud and clear that I must not distance myself from -------as it is harmful to both of us. I wanted to tell him so, but thought better of it. I blanked out and just wrote until line 68, when I came to the realisation that I still had 32 to go, and just caught myself from saying something really dumb once again. Lines 89 to 100 seemed to go on and on. That magic number at the bottom of the page never seemed to look any nearer. It took just over 45 mins to get it done. I tell you, I would prefer Corner Time to writing lines!

So I had Corner Time for attitude/disrespect, then straight into  lines for distancing, another Corner Time straight after that for something I said after I completed the lines. (DUH) Now what is left is facing the music this afternoon for the major disrespect last night, before, during and after my meltdown. And that wont happen until our daughter is out of the house. That is still 7 hours away.
My mouth goes dry and my tummy does flip flops when I think about it.  I hate the waiting. And you know what?  Distancing was not even on the 'D list' when I started writing my lines :(