The Missing Piece

It has been raining all night. A rain that has washed away the mugginess, dust and given the garden a good watering.

I feel like the rain has also washed away the dust and fogginess from my own brain too. There is something about the rain that does that.
The heat just brings with it a feeling of being in a vacuum that sucks you dry, unable to think or function.

This morning I have woken up to a washed world, a washed mind. Things are clearer, because I am out of that vacuum and can finally think straight.

It does not mean that any of this is going to make sense :)

On the 12 December I posted a blog about 'Chernobyl Meltdown.....'  in it I mentioned that I felt there was now something missing. That feeling has never gone away.

Though the connection is still there, there seems to be a gap. It was this morning that things fell into place.

People talk about 'Heart knowledge versus head knowledge'.

How it is often the head that gets it first, then the heart.

This is only my opinion, and based on my own thoughts from this morning, that in ttwd it is the opposite.

The heart knowledge is there. I want this. I want The Silence to be in the place he is supposed to be. I want him 'in charge'. I want him as the Hoh. I want him in control of our marriage for the good and, dynamics of our household.  I want to be obedient and submissive. My heart jumps at those thoughts, because I love this man of mine, and want him to be in the place that he should of been right from the start.

I want all this, but my head does not. Confused?

(Might be time to make a drink, come back, and be confused some more...)

It is my head that is the problem. It is my own emotions, rebelliousness, wanting to still be in control that confuses me. If the heart knowledge is there, then so should be the head knowledge...right?

Nope.

Whatever is going on, HE is the pre-determined winner.  It does not matter whether we have discussed the issue or not, and he has taken my point of view into consideration, the ultimate decision is his. Sometimes it is what I want, sometimes it is what he wants.

I can be in front of this man of mine, and while my heart is singing his praises, feeling a deep love and respect for him, my mind is battling with control issues, disrespect...well, you all know the list...

Since the 12th December when I said that we would not be doing this anymore, that this was all over, I have been struggling through each day.

And there is the missing part, that I talked about from that night. The part that I have kept as part of my own life for so long...control. I had to give up a very large part of control that night. This is a consensual agreement. I could of kept to my argument, and we would not be doing this anymore. Except, I did want this, in my heart I was afraid that he would walk away, in my heart I wanted him to step up, even while my mind was saying 'you are now in control' and while I did not like being back in that place of control, knowing that whatever I said, the decision was ultimately mine, my mind was fighting against my heart knowledge. 

While my heart wants this, my mind struggles. It is like a battle that cannot be won, because the heart will always win out in the end. Eventually.

What begins, when you first start searching and thinking about ttwd, as head knowledge, quickly becomes heart knowledge, then the two become in conflict with each other.

The heart knowledge remains, while the head is fighting against losing, or giving over that control.

I still control situations (well, try too).

I wanted this. Ttwd has made a huge impact on our lives, our marriage. We can go nowhere but forward in it. Though there are times when things are just overwhelmingly hard, frustrating and the submission and obedience is just not there, it is all worth it.

It is now a few days later, and I am sitting here doing the virtual banging the head on the wall. Frustrated beyond measure.  Last Saturday was 'Boss Day.'
The first day of The Silence's five week break from work, a day that we decided we would lay the ground rules out yet again, he would step up while I stepped down.  And it worked.

For all of that day.

So for the last, almost six days, ttwd has almost been forgotten. The more he has not stepped up, the more I have taken the reins. The more sassy I have got. Deliberately not doing the list, because...well...why? If he is not stepping up..then what is the point?

Ok, granted the last week has been a week of stress for everyone. We had a temporary boarder, that turned out to be more problematic that any of our other waifs and strays. My stress levels were near the roof, while still trying to maintain the obedient, submissive wife attitude.

And, granted, The Silence saw this, and let things slide. and slide. and slide. and slide. and slide...

And he let things slide because sleep is over - rated and I have been getting a lot less than my normal 3 to 4 hours each night.

So should I be thankful. But oh crap...I am not.

Why? I can hear you ask...          


Because, regardless of the situation, my heart is still in this. My mind is not.

The last six days have been nothing but The Silence handing me back control left, right and centre.

While at times my heart is left wondering 'Does he really want this lifestyle?'
He keeps saying he does.
I keep bucking the rules. He keeps handing back control.

Last night I got a spanking..almost a half hearted attempt to put things right. Oh I know that he is trying. I really, really do. And so am I. I know that it might not look like it on some days, but I am.

I fight a daily battle between the heart and head. Most days now the heart wins out. Except for the last six days.

This morning he wrote on the list to make the bed. My answer to that was:

"You slept in it, you make it"

And I got the look. That is all, just a look. A few weeks ago it would of been OTK or CT.

I did make the bed.

I don't know where I stand anymore. I cannot keep handing out rope in the form of information and support, enough rope, on some days to hang myself with.

I am tired. I feel like I am carrying the both of us in this journey. Each day is different from the day before, and I never know where I am putting a foot wrong or not. Whether there could be correction when my mouth runs away or whether it is going to slide.

I am confused.

This post started out as a learning curve for me.

I also know that it is not easy for The Silence. He does not like to 'show me the error of my ways'. Sometimes he feels that it is unfair, other times, he has to fight his own internal battles about spanking or other forms of 'correction'. I watch him struggle, as I struggle myself to hand over control...it is not easy for anyone.

The heart knowledge is still alive and well, and the head knowledge is still fighting the battle to retain control.
But I cannot do this by myself. I need the man to be consistent. to step up when needed, or I will be fighting a losing battle, both within myself and ttwd.

PS. I do understand that he has his struggles too...I really wish he would blog, this helps so much :)