Remember that precipice that I mentioned a few posts ago..yeah well, jumping seems like a good idea.
Feeling at a loss...submission just is not there at all. Throwing out rope to The Silence and he just does not see it coming...and does not catch it.
Being sick for so long has taken such a toll..not just physically but mentally, on our ttwd/dd journey...for me anyway.
Last weekend was meant to be our 'Submission - you are all mine, obedience, will, body' weekend. We did start it on the Friday night, even though I was only feeling about 80% well. Saturday morning I was nil well, so that ended that weekend.
I had asked if we could do it this weekend instead..being well, but just having a cough now. But no...the answer was just that...NO. I can see his reasons why, as I guess I am only around 95% well...but that is more than last weekend...I just don't get it.
Maybe I am just being pig-headed...yeah, that would be me alright.
I have been sassy, disobedient, disregarding the rules, not because I have been intentionally doing it..it is just happening.
I should be able to stop myself..I mean, we have been doing this since October..have I learnt nothing? I am that weak minded that I cannot control myself?
Oh...Control..yes, I have taken that back too in small ways..seriously what is wrong with me? Is it just because for over two weeks there has been no reckoning?
I am throwing out the rope for him to haul me back in...I cannot seem to get there on my own. So many defences were down while I was sick...emotional defences, that have left me feeling lost, alone (even though I was not, as he was there to hold me each time) and out of sync with who I am.
I am strong, my defences do not come down easily. But I feel like I am not me..that someone else has resided in my body for the last few weeks. That they buried the strong, resilient person. Does that make sense..or am I just in a antibiotic overdrive?
I need this weekend...and he just cannot see it. I feel that I need a strong hand to haul me back, strong hands but loving arms to say that all is going to be well again. That we will get back to where we were.
I feel the need to be 'shown my place' put back...a bit like this guy I guess...
I need that firm hand and strong mind that belongs to him. I need his loving arms taking control. I need him to be tough and strong minded...no compromise..no leniency.
I want to be his...all his...mind, body, will.
And yet I keep throwing the rope and he does not catch it.....
I'm glad you are almost recovered on your illness. Remember that he is probably just being careful whilst he nurses you through it. I know it sucks, but I'm sure there will be a time very soon when all goes back to being good and it feels like he is in control again.
ReplyDeleteCallie
Hey Callie
DeleteYes you are right...I need to have patience. Something I sadly lack!
Hugs
Hope things get better soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunnygirl,
DeleteWell first off, how can you even possibly want to follow a man where that kind of footwear pictured above? Honestly.
ReplyDeleteI know you feel like you have lost at the game of chutes and ladders- but you only landed on chute square. Keep rolling the dice...you'll hit a ladder square soon enough. Communication is key ( what ? you said you were at the beginning again- therefore you get the newbie/oldie advice). Share your post with Silence. He might just understand you in print :)
HazMat. suit Hugs
Willie
I know..such shocking footwear!
DeleteCommunication..yes, I know. Well he did read this, we did talk about it. He decided that he was going to be a bit firmer...
Thanks for the HazMat suit hug :)
love ya :
Hez, I agree with Willie show him your post. Maybe instead of hot and heavy this weekend, you reconnect give yourself time to feel 100% and start releasing that sub feeling back out to him. Remember his "NO" is taking charge just not the way you hoped he would. Chin up or maybe chin down....
ReplyDeleteHey Cathie
DeleteI did show him the post...actually I chickened and texted him to tell him about a new post...
His No was him taking charge, you are right, and I should of accepted it as being a no from the Hoh... :)
Hugs
Hi Hez
ReplyDeleteOk here it goes, when I had panic attack post, which this seems like to me, I was told to breath deep, calm down and communicate.
Ok so calm down and breath.
If he would say yes to your request, he would be going against his HOH role of putting your health first.
True??
You might not want to hear this Hun, but it sounds like to me, he wants you a 100% better before he pulls you in, as you say it.
He is being HOH, he said NO, you don't like the answer, but we don't always like the answers we get. He's not giving in to you, which means he's still in charge hunny, give him a chance. He's spent the last two weeks looking after you and worrying about you. You're still not completely better, so he's being careful.
As others have said , show him your post, he will understand and when he thinks your up to it, I'm sure he will step things up again.
Remember a couple of weeks ago we were both chasing that damn carrot and couldn't stay out of trouble.
It's just a little blip in the road, you'll both get back soon, and soon me and you can start chasing that carrot again and moan about how strict thy are :)
Please give yourself a chance to get better. He's been a rock for you and it must have been a scary time for him. Let him get over it too. Our men do suffer with us when we're not well, they're just to manly to show it to your face. Remember that :)
Ok I'll stop my high and mighty talk now.
Don't beat yourself up babe. Things will work out x
Love and hugs to you x
Wow Missy...that answer is almost a post in itself!
DeleteYou are right of course... I have to have patience and get 100% better.
I guess I am wanting some connection between us too, other than the passing..'you ok'...patience, which I sadly lack in.
Thank you for such a long reply full of good advice and thoughts..much appreciated :)
Looking forward to chasing yet more carrots dangling on that stick!
Love and hugs right back at you x
I only know two things.
ReplyDeleteFirst, when I've been sick and still am a little, my head is all over the freaking place. I want to get back to normal--my daily jobs, chores, taking care of my family, being submissive and being in CONTROL of my submission. You seeing my point?? Leave the reins in his hands if you can and let him get you back in his timing. You can ask him about this b/c it may be different for the S, but when I've been sick my husband has a hard time getting back to basics. He just wants to take care of me and be really, really gentle with me. Give him a bit of time. He is still being strong, but the firmness in his head may still be totally directed towards making you well.
Hi Susie
DeleteYes my head is all over the 'freaking place' just like you said. My head is never all over the place! And that is hard to get my head around!
Your words of 'being in CONTROL of my submission' jumped out at me...and I think you have hit the nail on the head with that statement :)Because at the moment I feel that I have no control at all..not over myself or anything else.
I guess I am also afraid that since he does let a lot slip that it is going to be hard for both of us to get back into where we were before I got sick..I guess I need patience
Thank you for that great revelation at 3am in the morning about being in control of my submission!
Hugs
{{{HUGS}}} Having been sick for almost two months now, I know how frustrating everything can be. You don't feel yourself, you can't keep up with even the basic every day things, and you are out of sorts emotionally. It kind of sucks that you need the reconnect, and he won't give it. Part of me wonders if he's still worried about your health. And if your sickness is anything like mine, I can understand the worry. I had two days where I started to get better, and then ended up worse than I was. Could he be worried about wearing you out? Don't be afraid to let him know how you feel, maybe he can even read your blog? Does he already? My hubby does so that I make sure I can't get away with anything that way. :) But I hope whatever happens, you keep getting well. And don't beat yourself up. It isn't that you have no self control. In DD you break down walls to be closer to your husband, and when you break down those walls, you also break down independence, and with that, comes lack of control. You need the lack of control to be able to let your husband have it. That isn't a bad thing... though at times it can feel like it. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteHey Es May,
ReplyDeleteYes he does read my blog, and yes he is still worried about me being sick...and yes...I sooo need that reconnect...well, that is a new post I guess..
I do have to remember not to beat myself up over being sick and not able to do things too
Control...lol, have not had any of that, though of course, I think that Susie hit the nail on the head with her comment!
Hugs..and hope that you are feeling better real soon too!
Hi Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteI know I am late posting here.
When I am sick, or when Ian is - things really fly to pieces around here submissively speaking. Ian goes into overbearing HoH if I am sick and I go into a kind of groundless nitwit if he gets sick. I think dd thrives on routine, and when that is upset, it is a challenge. What has worked for us, is lots of talking and then re-connection when we can finally make it happen.
Hang in there, sweetie - hopefully things are already better.
hugs and love
lillie
Hey Lillie,
ReplyDeleteWas copying and pasting my blog into word incase I loose any of it..and found your comment :)
We are getting there slowly with the reconnect and, unfortunately with the retraining of Hez!
Hugs..and you are right..dd does thrive on routine!