First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie
The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....
We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.
The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage. DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.
Today is Day One of Starting Over.
Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.
All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.
All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.
Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.
Am I expecting too much?
I don't know.
I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.
And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.
I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.
About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.
Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.
Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?
Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.
Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?
We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.
I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.
Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.
I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)
Have a spank free day
PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.
PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)