Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Feeling Like a Newbie....

First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie

The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....

We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.

Six months...

The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage.  DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.

Today is Day One of Starting Over.

Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.

All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.

All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.

Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.

Am I expecting too much?

I don't know.

I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.

And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.

I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.

About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.

Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.

Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?

Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.

Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?

We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.

I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.

Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.

I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)

Have a spank free day

PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.

PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)


  1. Hey Hez :)

    Happy to see you :) wow I've missed you gal, glad your blogging again :)

    You two have achieved a lot over the past few months, been busy and stressed. I know you've heard it before and been there too, but give yourselves a chance, let things slide back to normal every day an things will look up. Keep blogging and interacting, we're all there for you, no need to feel like a newbie, your among friends here :)

    Wow that is a hell of a lot of weight loss, well done to you, so proud of you x

    Glad to ha e you back honey x

    1. Hey Missy

      Good to be back finally!

      Hugs :)

  2. And exhale! Things may just start being 'right' in the blogging world now. Gosh how I missed you 'here' at least. Don't worry, we are still a 'mess' after your 4 month absence. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

    love ya!

    1. Hey Willie

      It is good to be back ....finally. Missed our chats and reading other blogs.

      Love ya right back too

  3. Wonderful weight loss!! I need your secret ;)

    We have also had a bit of a lull DD wise. We just revamped our rules list with outlined consequences and expectations. We plan to do a daily review of them together (like a quick 5 minute chat) to keep us accountable. Maybe that would be helpful. Hoping this will eliminate some consistency issues we have.

    Wishing you luck,

    1. Hi Tricia

      No secret :) Change of diet...rabbit food..no chocolate, chips, potatoes, rice or white bread. And exercise (written on the daily 'extra' chore list.

      A daily review sounds like a good idea..might have to use that idea here :)

      Wishing you luck too with your revamped list

  4. Hey,
    Great to see you blogging again! Congrats on the 27kg! Thats AWESOME!


    1. Thanks Callie

      Good to be blogging again!

  5. Hey Hez guess we both were missing at the same time. Glad you are back. Maybe now with the house down you can focus more on your relationship. We all know it takes time and energy to make this work. Give yourself some time to adjust and reestablish your Dd life. Hugs

    1. Hey Cathie Cooky!

      Nice to see you back too :) The house did take a lot of our time, during the day and into the evenings. This weekend is relationship focus, so hopefully we will be back on the road to re-establishing Dd.


  6. i think i started dd just as you were taking a break, i'm glad you're back because i love reading your blog. i've only read old posts so you better get crackin'. haha


    1. Hi Maryanne

      Thank you for reading my blogs :) (hope they have helped in some way)
      You are right..I better get cracking on some new ones!


  7. I bet you are thrilled your house has been refurbished and you'll be here more often.

    1. Hi Sunnygirl

      Yes it looks great finally. Pity about all the work that had to be done to get it to this point. Now for the outside..but that won't be started for a few more months

  8. Hi, Hez. Willie ordered me to come welcome back our friend, Hez. That feels really silly since we've not "met" yet, but Willie is Willie - what else can I do except run right over here, and introduce myself at the same time. I'm Irishey. Glad to meet ya!

    Starting over... Not my favorite topic in some baggage sort of ways. On the other hand, we got a second chance to be together again, so that kind of starting over is the best thing in the world that ever happened to us, except our respective kids, of course. I wish you all the best wishes in the world that this time around with ttwd/dd is charmed for you.

    Wow on the remodel! Sounds as though you accomplished quite a feat in 4 months. Tipping my hat to both of you.

    Welcome back hugs!


    1. Hi Irishey

      Pleased to finally 'meet' you :) I have lurked around your blog for awhile :) (unless there is another Irishey..which I doubt)

      Yes..one must always do what Willie says .... lol

      We have had so many start overs...but hey, I guess we are always building on what we have already learned. Wish we didn't have to keep starting over though, but we will get there in the end :)

      Thank you for your welcome back hugs :)

    2. Can someone please inform the residents of my home that they must always do what willie says? Well Hez, maybe you can make a sign that has my real name on it, because well they'll just be waiting around for this willie guy to show up!

    3. Wiilie, any of us can make you this sign for your home. We ALL know your real name:

      ~ House Law ~
      Residents must always do
      what MOM says.


  9. Awesome new on your weight loss! and welcome back! we are still here, I've been away here and there as well. Life gets crazy at times!

    1. Hey Emi!

      Glad you are still here too :) And yes, life does get crazy at times! It would be nice if it just slowed down on some days.


  10. I hope things will be different for you is time around. High fives on the weight loss!! That's awesome!!

    Ps so much if what you said here echoes my thoughts. You just worded it so much better. :)

    1. Hi Sarah

      Thanks for the high fives :)

      I think this blog probably echoes a lot of peoples thoughts. One thing in blogland..you realise that you are never alone with all this :)


  11. 27kgs! WOW, I am SOOO jealous! I am sorry you find yourself dealing with inconsistency. We are struggling with that too, but come next week, looks like we'll have the time again to work on it more. I am so glad to see you back!!! {{{HUGS}}} I have thought about you often, and have missed seeing your purple and yellow flowers floating around. I can't wait to hear more about your life again. {{{HUGS}}} And I get the lecture and praying thing, we are working on that too. It is so important, it's amazing how that can make a difference. Just a spanking, does not connect. We need the words, we need to understand their point of view for it to really take effect.

    1. Hey Es May

      Thank you :) It is good to be back, though the last week has certainly been busy enough to keep me away from blogland.
      The lecture and prayer I think for us has to be an important part of it all. It is no good not lecturing, my mind wanders to much!
      Hugs back to you too :)