Knowing that you have failed, when you think your communication was great does not install much confidence in yourself when it comes to further communication. What it does do though is make you more aware of your failings and how much more you have to try.
If you fail once, twice, thrice, you MUST get up and try again. It may take a change to do so. It may take days or weeks to find a solution to a problem, but to admit defeat and let the world, your world fall around you is not acceptable.
My life long motto has always been and will continue to be: There is ALWAYS another way.
I could say that after The Silence had come home all fell into place and was all rosy.
But then I would be lying.
He was hurting just as much. I was building walls faster than they built Rome.
We had reached a new level of falling apart, and a level that was unknown to us both.
But you see I possess a strength that has got me through in the long lost past, and The Silence, though down is never out for the count. Between us, if we could put aside the hurt and distrust we could get through this together. After all, what had the last three and a half years been for if we could not pull through this?
It was time to communicate on a heart level.
Do you know how hard that is when you are two hurting people? Where one is distrustful and the other trying to gain some footing amongst the upheaval.
We talked. And talked.
We talked about the pain that The Silence felt when he had to give discipline. We talked about how hard it was for him. We talked about the things I said when I didn't want discipline, when I fought against the very thing I had brought to him in the first place. We talked about how he felt about DD. That he felt it was right, that it had pulled us together, made us stronger in our marriage - and that he didn't want to stop DD, he just could not keep bringing himself to administer pain.
We discussed, and not always rationally on my part. We talked about how we could change the way DD looked to us. How we could find a way to keep building on what we already had gained - instead of throwing it all away.
The result of all that was a DD/ttwd relationship, not based on spanking (or very little, and only for the D's) but based on other alternative disciplines.
We had talked and come to a conclusion, though rocky at first because I didn't know how this was going to work, plus the distrust that needed to be put aside, maybe was going to work for us both.
I can hear some people saying that DD/ttwd is based solely on being over the bed, knee, chair etc. Well no, it doesn't have to be. We had to find a way that worked for us.
Are we carrying on with DD/ttwd? Yes. Has the dynamic changed? Yes it has.
Are the things we are now doing to replace the spanking working? Oh yes they are!!
Discipline now takes longer, are actually harder than a spanking (for me - remember I have a cast iron butt) and are focused more on what I really don't like at all.
Spankings were hard for The Silence to give - spankings because of my tendency to be able to withstand quite a bit, really were not working for either of us.
Now some discipline for one 'indiscretion' can take 2 or more hours, and sometimes several days, of doing something that I dislike/hate/find pointless.
Our dynamic has changed quite a bit. The Silence now has more say - like this blog. I have to let him read it first before I post. I know that is not unusual for some, but this is one of the things that has changed in our home.
Things I used to take for granted cannot be taken for granted any longer.
This has changed us both.
The Silence is more relaxed, less stressed over DD/ttwd. So am I. And The Silence seems to have unveiled a more Alpha male side to him. (which by the way,
He no longer has to wait, sometimes days. for the other members of our household to go out. Most of the disciplines can be done with others still in the house. It takes a bit of cunning and sometimes a little lie - like 'Mums having a nap' (if only!!) or 'Mums in having a shower" So all that stress of having to wait and deal has now on the most part been taken away.
Will our new way change in time and go back to the way it was? I don't think so. It can only develop more. Even in the last few weeks it has grown and changed, and will continue to do so. But that is another story, for another time. It is a change that will only bring more harmony into our house.
There is a freedom in understanding each other. There is a freedom in being able too, or rather learning to let go of those heart feelings.
Sorry, have to finish here as there is a mat and a closet with my name on it - Actually the mat says 'welcome' how ironic is that :)