The essay that I had to write tonight, since my mouth got a bit of exercise this afternoon. Was meant to be a spanking but The Silence was nice enough to forgo that as I am not feeling well :)
PS: there is 509
The Danger of Putting Incorrect Labels on People
people is dangerous because they can take on that persona. If you constantly put incorrect labels on
someone then they can come to believe it, and start acting that way.
It is also a
disrespectful thing to do as you are not respecting them as a whole person, of
who God made them to be.
stop the person from fulfilling the gifting that they were born with if they
come to believe that the label that people have put on them is true. It stops
their growth both spiritually and emotionally.
healing can come when they learn that they are not what people have called them
all their lives, it does take time to reinstate them to the person that they
were born to be.
be affected by labels. Whether you are young or old. In todays society it is
common for labels to be attached to people. This is not always good, especially
if the persons being labelled are not in the ‘category’ that they are being
It can be detrimental
to their employment, education and general well-being. If the label is
something that is derogatory it becomes an issue of self worth.
believe that what people are saying is true? Why try, or bother to correct
And why not
just ‘give in’ and live the life of the label?
There are a
lot of ‘misfits’ in communities today because of labels. Labels that the people
have come to believe or have just given into, instead of believing in
On the other
hand, there are the everyday labels, or names that we call each other. These also
can be derogatory in nature and not nice to be on the receiving end of.
marriage often labels or names are said in frustration or anger. However this
does not excuse the fact that it is wrong and should not be done.
wives should respect each other, with terms of endearment and not labels. Like
those in the communities, it can be detrimental to the wellbeing of the husband
or wife, with either one starting to believe that, that is the way they are.
happening, there becomes a strained relationship between the two. Respect,
trust and love starts to falter, putting the relationship at risk.
causing damage that requires a lot of repairing if not straight away, certainly
in the later years of the marriage.
especially not recommended if you are living in a DD/Ttwd relationship. You
could find yourself having to write an essay on ‘The Danger of Putting
Incorrect Labels on People’ and struggling to find enough words to fill out the
five hundred word requirement, when you would rather be having vanilla
cheesecake with passionfruit sauce.
must remember that the title is not included in those five hundred words.
that labelling people is not a good idea at all to be doing within a marriage.
It has been raining all night. A rain that has washed away the mugginess, dust and given the garden a good watering.
I feel like the rain has also washed away the dust and fogginess from my own brain too. There is something about the rain that does that.
The heat just brings with it a feeling of being in a vacuum that sucks you dry, unable to think or function.
This morning I have woken up to a washed world, a washed mind. Things are clearer, because I am out of that vacuum and can finally think straight.
It does not mean that any of this is going to make sense :)
On the 12 December I posted a blog about 'Chernobyl Meltdown.....' in it I mentioned that I felt there was now something missing. That feeling has never gone away.
Though the connection is still there, there seems to be a gap. It was this morning that things fell into place.
People talk about 'Heart knowledge versus head knowledge'.
How it is often the head that gets it first, then the heart.
This is only my opinion, and based on my own thoughts from this morning, that in ttwd it is the opposite.
The heart knowledge is there. I want this. I want The Silence to be in the place he is supposed to be. I want him 'in charge'. I want him as the Hoh. I want him in control of our marriage for the good and, dynamics of our household. I want to be obedient and submissive. My heart jumps at those thoughts, because I love this man of mine, and want him to be in the place that he should of been right from the start.
I want all this, but my head does not. Confused?
(Might be time to make a drink, come back, and be confused some more...)
It is my head that is the problem. It is my own emotions, rebelliousness, wanting to still be in control that confuses me. If the heart knowledge is there, then so should be the head knowledge...right?
Whatever is going on, HE is the pre-determined winner. It does not matter whether we have discussed the issue or not, and he has taken my point of view into consideration, the ultimate decision is his. Sometimes it is what I want, sometimes it is what he wants.
I can be in front of this man of mine, and while my heart is singing his praises, feeling a deep love and respect for him, my mind is battling with control issues, disrespect...well, you all know the list...
Since the 12th December when I said that we would not be doing this anymore, that this was all over, I have been struggling through each day.
And there is the missing part, that I talked about from that night. The part that I have kept as part of my own life for so long...control. I had to give up a very large part of control that night. This is a consensual agreement. I could of kept to my argument, and we would not be doing this anymore. Except, I did want this, in my heart I was afraid that he would walk away, in my heart I wanted him to step up, even while my mind was saying 'you are now in control' and while I did not like being back in that place of control, knowing that whatever I said, the decision was ultimately mine, my mind was fighting against my heart knowledge.
While my heart wants this, my mind struggles. It is like a battle that cannot be won, because the heart will always win out in the end. Eventually.
What begins, when you first start searching and thinking about ttwd, as head knowledge, quickly becomes heart knowledge, then the two become in conflict with each other.
The heart knowledge remains, while the head is fighting against losing, or giving over that control.
I still control situations (well, try too).
I wanted this. Ttwd has made a huge impact on our lives, our marriage. We can go nowhere but forward in it. Though there are times when things are just overwhelmingly hard, frustrating and the submission and obedience is just not there, it is all worth it.
It is now a few days later, and I am sitting here doing the virtual banging the head on the wall. Frustrated beyond measure. Last Saturday was 'Boss Day.'
The first day of The Silence's five week break from work, a day that we decided we would lay the ground rules out yet again, he would step up while I stepped down. And it worked.
For all of that day.
So for the last, almost six days, ttwd has almost been forgotten. The more he has not stepped up, the more I have taken the reins. The more sassy I have got. Deliberately not doing the list, because...well...why? If he is not stepping up..then what is the point?
Ok, granted the last week has been a week of stress for everyone. We had a temporary boarder, that turned out to be more problematic that any of our other waifs and strays. My stress levels were near the roof, while still trying to maintain the obedient, submissive wife attitude.
And, granted, The Silence saw this, and let things slide. and slide. and slide. and slide. and slide...
And he let things slide because sleep is over - rated and I have been getting a lot less than my normal 3 to 4 hours each night.
So should I be thankful. But oh crap...I am not.
Why? I can hear you ask...
Because, regardless of the situation, my heart is still in this. My mind is not.
The last six days have been nothing but The Silence handing me back control left, right and centre.
While at times my heart is left wondering 'Does he really want this lifestyle?'
He keeps saying he does.
I keep bucking the rules. He keeps handing back control.
Last night I got a spanking..almost a half hearted attempt to put things right. Oh I know that he is trying. I really, really do. And so am I. I know that it might not look like it on some days, but I am.
I fight a daily battle between the heart and head. Most days now the heart wins out. Except for the last six days.
This morning he wrote on the list to make the bed. My answer to that was:
"You slept in it, you make it"
And I got the look. That is all, just a look. A few weeks ago it would of been OTK or CT.
I did make the bed.
I don't know where I stand anymore. I cannot keep handing out rope in the form of information and support, enough rope, on some days to hang myself with.
I am tired. I feel like I am carrying the both of us in this journey. Each day is different from the day before, and I never know where I am putting a foot wrong or not. Whether there could be correction when my mouth runs away or whether it is going to slide.
I am confused.
This post started out as a learning curve for me.
I also know that it is not easy for The Silence. He does not like to 'show me the error of my ways'. Sometimes he feels that it is unfair, other times, he has to fight his own internal battles about spanking or other forms of 'correction'. I watch him struggle, as I struggle myself to hand over control...it is not easy for anyone.
The heart knowledge is still alive and well, and the head knowledge is still fighting the battle to retain control.
But I cannot do this by myself. I need the man to be consistent. to step up when needed, or I will be fighting a losing battle, both within myself and ttwd.
PS. I do understand that he has his struggles too...I really wish he would blog, this helps so much :)
The day that there is a No Tolerance Policy in place. The rules are to be obeyed or else....
The Silence went off in the morning to take our daughter to work, said he had some shopping to do and wont be long. Ok, all good. But one thing you need to know about The Silence and that is when he says he won't be long...well....
Want to see what he bought?
Funny man isn't he?
He did not have to wait long to use it either :( Several times.... before I eventually gave in and got the message loud and clear.
The both of us have had a rough time of it since coming back from our trip overseas. It seems for every step we take forward there a dozen backwards.
It is like doing this:
Pre-overseas, we were starting to get into the swing of things (well, someone was). We were finding our feet, finding our roles, finding, even if it was only small...submission.
I think going away so early on at the start of ttwd was a bad idea. An idea that could not be helped, but a bad idea nevertheless.
Two weeks without any accountability, no repercussions for anything said, has put us both on an uneven keel.
The Silence goes from being diligent and on the ball to ignoring things that he should pick up on. Some days there will be a run of 'hold your tongue' to a run of, well, nothing.
And I am the same. I swing from being obedient to being downright rebellious at times.
We have discussed this, many times, and have decided that we have to re-learn all over again both our roles.
Oh, I know we were nowhere near them before we left, but it did seem easier pre trip.
There has been a lot going on in our lives right now too, which has not helped. And Christmas it the worst. Major changes to our household with people coming and going etc, have put things just out of sync.
It is like being one of these balls
But each day is a new day. With new beginnings, and hopefully the lessons learnt the day before, for both of us, will not be forgotten when the new day dawns. :)
So, I never thought that I would be wanting a spanking...I mean who wants to be OTB/OTK?
The Silence has been mentioning maintenance more and more in the last week or so.
Not surprising really.
I hate this time of year. I dislike the busyness, the crowds, the expectations put on you to 'provide' a good Christmas.
I hate the memories of Christmas's past, from when I was growing up. I find it hard to accept gifts. Really hard.
Anyway..moving right along...
This week the emotional tension has been running high. I have had no patience, or understanding let alone a submissive attitude.
yep..that is about it
Christmas, our daughter leaving in 16 days, the heat, and the amount of teenage visitors have all contributed to the feeling of being 'out of control'..sigh. Seriously, one would think I could keep it together for one night.
We have been unable to OTB (other than a short OTK with Mr Glue and a few quick swats) for over a week now. Could be longer...feels like longer.
And I need it. (really? I am admitting that?)
Because we have been unable to 'see things' through, that release has not been happening. So, even though I know it is happening, I have been letting things slip. My attitude for one. Arguing over CT, arguing over most things.
Disrespect is running high on the list and sassy sassy.
Oh my gosh, I know this is all happening, but fail to put brain into gear before engaging mouth.
I am pushing all the buttons. Poor Silence.
Many, many thanks to Willie for helping me with this pic.
She is brilliant! :)
So, I am guessing that the next time we have time alone, I might be spending the evening OTB. Hopefully that will sort the attitudes and put me back on track to where I am supposed to be, instead of this feeling of being unbalanced.
Yep, there is about 4 minutes left.....
Once again, thanks Willie for your help with the cartoon :)
'I have an idea! If you're on this list of Sharing DD Bloggers, Consider posting a short post about what it's like to share your DD lifestyle ideas and lives with others. Use the pic above and let your readers come by and say thank you! Hopefully we might be able to nudge others along who might be considering starting a blog too!'
That was from MrBB over at ADDS http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com/ (and if I have done that right you should be able to click it..hopefully. If not, just copy and paste) I am on that list, thanking you MrBB :) By the way, it is a great blogspot to get loads of information, it is helpful and friendly. And from there you can go and visit other bloggers too.
So, in the interest of perhaps being able to 'nudge' others along to start blogging about their DD lifestyle, here is what it is like to share with others on the same road. Sharing with others lets you learn and get encouragement. There is always someone who has or is going through the same thing as you. We are a community of Dd'ers who support each other. It is a great place to be. It took me a wee while to even comment on someone's blog. I felt that I had no right to 'butt' in on their lives or to be even letting them know I was there reading, sometimes, their most secret secrets, or their most emotional and sometimes hilarious posts. But I have learnt so much more. These people have become my friends. They are people that we can share our lives with. Rant, rave or just to post some thoughts. Blogging can help you sort your own thoughts out too. It is a release for some (most of us) some do it because it is a requirement of the Hoh, Either way, how about starting? No one knows who you are...you can say as little or as much as you like. Here you will only find acceptance, help and encouragement. I look forward to reading your blog :)
It seems so much longer than that. A little over three months. Less the two weeks away that we could not do ttwd.
Oh the stuff that we have both had to deal with since then!
And the growth...now that has been amazing. In both of us.
I am sure that I have less times that I say 'no'. less times that I am disrespecting The Silence and more and more times of thinking before I speak.
He, more than me, has gone from strength to strength...the inner HoH has risen to the surface and has proclaimed in a loud voice (many times) that he is the Boss.
It is good :)
Whoever knew that this man had this in him..not me. Oh no, not me. He was always the cool, calm and collected one, the one that never ruffled anyone's feathers (except mine, and not always in a good way either) the one that always backed down and let me make the decisions for the household. The one that would not hurt a fly, well, ok, he would spray a fly, but catch a spider to let it outside to live while I brandished something large and awkward to help it on its way to the next world, if he did not dump it far enough from the house.
This man that cried when he first spanked me..and the second time...and the third time...
Now it is like second nature to him.....and so it should be, he darn well has had a lot of practice!
(though it still hurts him on the inside to do so)
This man has risen to the challenge to change the dynamics in our household. To be in the place that he should of been so many years ago.
And I am proud of him.
It has not been easy by any means.....I am not submissive. I am a rebel. I am a survivor. Life has taught me to be so. So often, I fight out of instinct. I want this, but cannot give in easy, that would mean, to me, giving in. I know that this is not so.
And yet The Silence has stepped up and lovingly nurtured my change, and his own.
Yes it is giving in. It is giving in, and giving up. It is giving in to change, giving in to the person you love, giving in to the life that is better, giving in to something that, oh, is so good, giving in to the way things should be.
Yes it is giving up. Giving up your own agenda, giving up disrespect, giving up manipulation, giving up selfish desires, giving up behaviours that affect your relationship. And the list could go on.
In my last post, I said that it had been a hell of a week, and yes it has. And yet through it all, unlike me, The Silence has hung in there. He believes in us. He believes in our marriage. He believes that we can conquer anything. He believes that Mr Gluestick should be resurrected from the grave. (I do not) He believes that all this is worth it. He believes that ttwd has worked, has bought change. And...He believes that we are not letting go of that.
To say it has been a hell of a week would be putting it mildly.
The after effects of the early in the week, meltdown have been hanging around all week. Not for The Silence, but for me.
Things have not been going quite to plan this week, with both of us saying and doing things to get the back up of the other.
Having said that, The Silence has been stepping up in a way that he has never before. He seems to be going from strength to strength, while I seem to be taking one step forward and loads backwards.
I could blame it on PMS. I guess. Or I could blame it on the distancing that I cannot shake. Hard as I try.
It could also be because for over a week now, we have had no 'our' time. With school finished, and dance and band finished for the year, our time is now limited for being alone. Extremely limited.
And I know that there are some of you out there that have to live with someone constantly at home. I feel for you. I am not used to it at all.
It has put me out of kelter. Not even the days are spent to gather my thoughts and think things through. Take this post for instance, it has taken me a half hour to get to this point, as the daughter is filling out forms and keeps asking 'where is this, where is that' 'how do I do this'. SHEESH!
Frustration levels are high by the time The Silence comes home. So with the unresolved issues (on my part, not his) and the frustration that has built up during the day, and of course the distancing....well, not sure whether the butt is going survive the next spanking when the house is finally empty long enough to deal with anything.
Oh well, such is life.
There are things that I have to work through. I know this works, but sometimes I fight it, even though I want it. Seems so backwards really.
On the plus side, The Silence has shown a side of him that I never thought he possessed... and that is good.
A firm hand, and a 'I am not going to put up with this' attitude has made me stop and think several times in the last few days. Even though it has usually resulted in corner time.
Those Christmas Trees stuck in the corner of each room (which someone kindly suggested, so that I had something good to look at) are starting to look like a good idea. That and a few candy canes to munch on.
Oh well, I guess things will eventually get into perspective, fairly certain a lot of these feelings are the 'dregs' from the meltdown. Even though that was dealt with on the night.
Well, a lot of waffle....pretty hard typing with extras in the house.
Well hello my dear readers and friends! Nice to see you back again :)
Today could possibly be Day Three of Halo Days!!
Yep, you heard right....Day Three..whoop whoop..
Ok, so I have spent time in the corner...(The Silence thought it was hilarious that someone who shall remain nameless said to put a tree in every corner, so that I had something pretty to look at while I was there).
I have been a bit.. just a tiny bit...SASSY and those toes have started dancing the sassy sassy dance quite a few times.
Yesterday I wrote a post about connection. Once again, it was IWO that I should start thinking about the plus side..the connection. And I am still thanking her today :)
Every bit I wrote is true, I love this man of mine. Even after we have dealt with 'issues' I now snuggle into his arms, to feel that closeness, his warmth, his oh so wonderful body...shhhhh, better stop there!
Anyway, this post is sort of about CONNECTION again...but on a different level. One that has the potential to, well, you know...end in 'that' way.
I am not supposed to say ':whatever' neither that quietly or this loudly 'WHATEVER'...So I don't (most times)
Now apparently I have the 'Whatever' look. I can be thinking it, but not saying it.
Thanks to the new connection (which regardless, by the way is a wonderful thing!) The Silence has now learnt, and is starting to get to know that 'whatever' look.
He almost got me this morning.
'That is a Whatever look!'
Um, noooo, what look is that?
'That look you just gave me. It looked like you were thinking 'whatever'
No, why would I do that?
'That was a 'whatever' look wasn't it?'
Nope, not at all...It was a loving look, like this' (as I gaze into his wonderful brown eyes)
He was not quite buying it you know..will have to practice my loving look more :)
Connection. Yep. Once a time he would just go on with his business and me mine. Now, because we take notice of each other, are more in tune with each other, I will have to be careful with the 'face'.
I can laugh about it , found it quite amusing this morning too. I might not at some other time, but for now, I can smile, and be glad, that The Silence noticed my 'whatever' look.
Having a chat this morning with someone who asked about the 'Connection' between The Silence and I.
Had it changed. Had ttwd changed the way our relationship now is.
She made me stop and think ... (thanks for that :)
Sooooooo.... The question that needs answering is this:
Are we/our relationship now different from what it was when we started a few short months ago?
The answer is YES! Yes it is.
We have more understanding of each other, our feelings, our character. It has drawn us together on a daily basis.
We laugh and love more. We hold hands when we are out.
I want to be with The Silence, sometimes, just sitting near him. Doing nothing.
I have made him his first morning coffee for years....made it, woken him, and left the room. Now, I make it, wake him, and stay, snuggled in his arms until it is time for him to get up. It is a closeness that at first was foreign..now it feels as comfortable as snuggling into a nice soft blanket. (not that he is like a blanket at all)
I have always greeted him at the door at the end of each day..I think I have done it everyday for the last 24 years (well nearly). Now I do it, because I want to see his face. To ask him how his day went, to hold him. to hug and kiss him in welcome.
I want the closeness of him to me. To feel secure and loved, trusting in him.
We listen more...to each other. Not just when I am OTB. Not just in discipline. Though that is how it started out.
Now we listen to each other, when we are doing things. I watch his body language, want to be there for him, as he is for me.
I love this man, as I said at the start when I first started blogging
'I loved this man yesterday,
and I will love him even more tomorrow,
For all the time I get into trouble and find myself in the bedroom yet again, I would not trade this new life, new direction for ANY of our old life. I would not want to go back to that.
Though ttwd is about learning respect, obedience and submission, it is also about learning to love. Out of these three things has come a joy in our marriage, a connection that was missing, a link that was broken is starting to be fixed. It is a learning process that will continue through the years, bringing with it even more understanding, more love, more of what we are both wanting, not for others who look at our marriage, but for us, separate and together.
The price of going back would be to lose what we have gained in closeness, connection, love. Nothing is worth losing that.
Once the thought of growing old together, for both of us, was out of our commitment to our vows. Our beliefs. Neither of us could see us being old together.
Now I can. I want to be still loving, still trusting, still learning as we swing our zimmer frames in time with each other.
Walking side by side as one. Loving, trusting, and committed.
This is the new connection that we have discovered in each other. The love that was there, is now stronger.
I swear it is the air we breathe...Once again, have you noticed we all seem to have the same type of problems issues around about the same time?
Communication. The Saving Grace to any relationship...Dd or not.
Communication - Politely, instead of in anger.
Communication - Do not assume
Communication - Accept
Communication - Patience (um...really?)
Communication - Understanding (yep understanding that my butt is going to be glowing)
Bad communication leads to : Lying, anger and distancing.
Good communication leads to better days the next day. Seriously, it does
I have to learn to be patient (yep), understanding (hmmm....) and acceptive of situations (ah, Oooookkkaay)
Control leads to anger, anger leads to lying (to cover the control) which leads to even more anger, that leads to distancing, which can lead to guilt and even more anger about it, which then leads back to control...the desperate attempt to get back what you feel you have lost. Confused?
By the way...Distancing I think, is control. You control your emotions, and what goes on around you, by keeping things (0r husbands) at a distance, more often to protect your fragile emotional balance at the time.
Soooooo, all this came out yesterday after our very long chat about what happened on Friday night.
Saturday morning (yesterday) I was up very early, thinking things through, sort of had the Distancing under control....
Or thought I had..right up until I took him his coffee.
Distancing reared its head, like it had a life of its own. A residue of the feelings from Friday night. Darn.
I thought he would never know, thereby saving my butt, if I got it under control before he woke..the best laid plans of mice and men, sadly go astray....
Anyhoo, back to the communication bit....we talked for about an hour..eventually. After he came back from dropping off the daughter at dance again. Before he left, I gave him the blog I wrote yesterday about how I was feeling. He was not a happy chappy :(
He explained that he had forgotten, not intentionally. He explained that when he asked what was wrong, instead of lying and saying 'nothing' (sometimes you know, you just cannot be bothered) I should of said something to him, reminded him...COMMUNICATED...yes, ok, point taken.
So, it was dealt with, as only those in ttwd can deal with things. OTB.
Now I have to remember that to save the Distancing Butt in future, I have to communicate...
This is a whinge (Willie I want some of that beer you had, you know, the stuff that makes submission so much easier)
Anyway, this is a whinge...I don't mind if you don't read further. One day, I am going to come on here and write something witty, encouraging and full of wisdom...but not today.
So, I am being bratty. Distancing Dumbbutt is back with a vengeance. Even after knowing what now happens when I go down that road, hand in hand with her.
Here is the story. Not yet played out.
(but I can see the red, rosy, glow of fiery cheeks burning in the distance, rising above the horizon like a new morning sun)
I need some advice.
When you have been let down, what are you supposed to feel?
When you have been told to wait until a particular day, then that day comes round, and HE forgets, or decides to do something else..what are you supposed to do with these feelings of anger etc?
I know that HE is the head of the household, and HE has a right to choose what HE does or doesn't do, and that I should accept his decisions as being the correct and final ones.
I know that I SHOULD be able to accept that. I do. Ish.
But Distancing Dumbbutt is a slow learner, and is sitting here beside me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear (which is what HE is supposed to be doing).
This is the last night for three weeks that our daughter will be out, it is at this time that things get dealt with....
But no, HE has not been keeping up with what HE is supposed to have been doing daily, so is now seven or so days behind on getting things done, so now HE is parked outside the Dance Studio where our daughter is, doing what I am expected to do and keep up with daily.
He is sitting in the car filling out his journal :(
While I am sitting at home, venting on here. Sorry to you in blogland.
Who knows, if I sit here long enough, I might come up with something witty and full of wisdom.....wonder where the wine is...
I went through today looking forward to tonight. Did all the things I know he likes to have done, completed the task list etc..and...nothing, zilch, nada, nihil, naught, zip, zero and nix..nothing....
So is there 'righteous' anger in ttwd? Is it ok for me to be angry about the fact that he has forgotten, (which would surprise me after some of the texts I sent him today) or that he has chosen not to mention, and to just go on with normal day to day activities? Hoping that I will forget...
Been trying so hard all evening to get it together. To kick Distancing Dumbbutt in the rear and get on with knowing that he is the Boss, and that regardless of what has gone on, I have to accept his choices for tonight.
Today was looking pretty good as another Halo Day too.
Well, IT was a good day..the day I earned my halo....Pity I lost it.
Yesterday was the day from H***! Not because of anything in particular..it was just one of those days when it was hot (43 degrees C). A house full of teenage girls...so much to do, so little time.
I felt like I had lost control.
So I took some back :(
I didn't complete the daily task list..and said I did :(
I looked at the washing on the line...and left it there :(
I looked at my laptop still on (meant to be off just before The Silence comes home)...and left it on :(
I lied through my teeth that things were done :(
and ...big sigh here...
Distanced like there was no tomorrow and told The Silence that I was fine and not distancing at all :(
Now I have been introduced to loss of privileges...I lost my laptop for 24 hours. Have only just got it back.
And I have been introduced to the soap in the mouth :( :( :(
Also to the biggest spanking in all our weeks of doing DD. The Silence lectured and talked, and whacked until he got through the distancing. This would be a first, where I am quite happy to come out of the cave thank you very very much, and as soon as possible.
It would also be the first time that a spanking has actually got through to me.
Anyway, time for bed now. Way way tired after today's tasks..yesterdays to finish and today's to do as well. And no laptop, so had plenty of time for those 'extra' lessons in obedience and respect.
Not intending to lose the laptop again, or suck soap in a hurry either.
There will be another day that I will be able to earn my halo back...maybe tomorrow? :)
I want my middle name to be 'Submissive Obedient'.
I want to be the perfect wife in an imperfect world - eventually.
But you see, I am human. I am a rebel. I don't have a submissive bone in my body. What I want and what I often do, are two very very different things.
So the word 'eventually' will probably never...well, eventuate.
I want The Silence to come home to a smiling wife, dressed nicely, dinner on the table, the house clean and tidy like his castle should be.
But yes...one has to face reality.
The wife might be smiling and dressed nicely. Dinner is likely to be on the table. The house is not likely to be clean and sparkling. The animals will be tearing up the hallway, the dog will be running around the backyard, there will be bills on the bench waiting to be paid, the 'task' list would have hopefully been completed, the health diary...well, maybe a few tweaks before he gets home.... and the birds will be screeching.
Yep, welcome home darling.
It is not easy being an obedient/submissive wife. The will can be there, but sometimes (most times) the mind takes over along with the mouth. This leads to trouble. Sometimes BIG trouble.
I have asked The Silence to be tougher, to step up more. Just to try and get a grip on things that just keep repeating themselves. I know this is a learning process, and that some things do and will take time. Impatience would be one of those things.
It is not easy knowing that you really need a tougher hand. Not easy knowing that you really are a rebel in submissive/obedient disguise.
And I know I fight him on most things. The Rules, The Task List, Corner Time etc. It is not in my nature to go meekly where no man has gone before...well, ok, where most wives go. (sorry, far to much syfi)
And he gets frustrated because I do fight him on things. I get frustrated because he should be noticing more, stepping up more, taking a firmer hand. And yet I still buck the boundaries. So dumb.
My weaknesses and strengths are what make me who I am. My past has shaped my character, and in some ways, that is not a good thing.
I know that I buck the 'system' because of who I am. Who I let myself become.
And that is what I want to change. With change, comes responsibility to uphold what you have set out to do. To build on your relationship, to work on being the wonderful wife, to have that marriage that you need and want. To have your husband as the HoH, where he should of been in the first place. In some cases, all those years ago.
For both of you, you want this. And it is so hard.
I have great intentions everyday. Everyday I say to myself 'today is going to be a great day. I WILL control my mouth, my attitude, my respectful nature etc. And everyday, I muck up in one way or another.
Take this morning for instance: 2 x 5 minute corner times, 5 mins apart. I mean seriously, 2 within 15 minutes...why, well, my mouth. AND The Silence had only been out of bed for 20 minutes!!!!
Some days it gets tiring. For me and The Silence.
Regardless, you have to hang in there. One day, it will change.
The Silence pointed out last night that only a 1% increase in change per day would make 365% increase in behaviour in a calendar year. More with compound interest. (whatever that is when you are talking about behaviour).
Ok, so you have to be able to get that 1% change daily. Without stuffing up on any day during that year. Yep, thinking it is impossible....at this stage anyway. As even the simplest of changes, I am struggling with.
Texting is another problem. Like the one I just sent without thinking. Well I did think about it. I thought about what I was writing, then sent it.
So what I didn't think about was the 'texting tone' of the text. It was not a nice tone. So why did I send it? See, another dumb idea not thought through. And such is my life at the moment.
A new rule for me: Engage brain before sending a text to The Silence.
Well, I think that is my rambles for today. Hugs :)
I would really like to be sitting here typing these words:
'I am so good, that I have needed no disciplinary actions for the last two days...oh yeah I'm good'
Butt I cannot :(
I guess it is because we had only being living the DD lifestyle for such a short time before our two week trip away where we could not do any of ttwd.
It is like having to learn or relearn all over again. For both of us.
Nor is my rear used to being spanked anymore...for some reason it seems to hurt more.
The Silence has started this new thing where he gives me mini lectures and then asks me questions during the spanking....remember that place that I posted about previously that I go to when I am getting spanked? Well, it is harder to stay there when you have to keep answering questions about your behaviour and what is now expected of you.
Sneaky, nasty questions that keep me off guard.
He also has had a transformation in reading my body language. The things that I used to do, are now harder to do..distancing is one. Even if I am faking not being in the distancing cave, he picks it up, lets it go for awhile and then deals with it.
Later on: Same frustrating day
Ok, so to be fair, we are both sick. The Silence with some unknown bug that makes him sneeze all the time and have a runny nose, and a brain that just wont work.
Me, with asthma.
So really, I should not be surprised about today, coupled with the fact that we are actually out of balance with two weeks of not doing DD.
Frustrating much? Oh YES!
I have not known today what the boundaries are, have pushed them to the limit, or what is usually the limit and beyond. Was sent to do corner time and didn't do it as The Silence just didn't have his head on straight and basically forgot right after he sent me there. Soooo I took advantage of that, and didn't go.
I know, I know. I can hear a few of you saying that I should of been the submissive obedient wife anyway and done it....problem being, I could of still been standing there a few hours later waiting for him to remember where I was. Seriously!
When we first started DD, we talked about all the pros and cons (the pros being more than the cons) and it was mentioned that because of who I am, what my character is, etc, that he could not let things slide. One slide will lead to another, and I, being the rebel that I can be, will take advantage of it. And I do. And I did.
One has to be honest with oneself...and I know that this is one area that I struggle in daily. Give me an inch and I will take a mile or two.
The Silence knows this. Today, he just forgot.
So, by dinnertime, I was feeling a little lost. No set boundaries today, and those that are normally set were not followed through on. On our way back from China we quietly discussed that we would have to be tough and diligent over the next few weeks to get back into the 'swing' (and not the paddle swing, though I can see that featuring clearly on the horizon) of things.
We had a talk over dinner (daughter at dancing) and it came out how frustrated I was with him, when he said he thought there was something wrong because I was obviously angry with him.
So I explained what we had decided about how we would go about DD right at the beginning, the fact that we were supposed to be both diligent over the next two weeks, and that he had left me hanging so much today that right now I did not know whether I was Arthur or Martha.
The result: A spanking to cover all the things he has missed today and to get me back on track. I could be OTB for quite awhile :(
I read often on how the HoH's go away, or somebody is going on holiday, and they have posted that it will be hard when they come back etc. And, in my naivety have wondered how hard can it be?
Well now I know. And I apologise for not quite believing you. Wholeheartedly apologise in fact.
So, The Silence is downstairs making a replica of the hairbrush that we bought in China. The hair brush broke on Saturday afternoon :( but it is the perfect shape according to The Silence, so he is making one in preparation for the maintenance/reminder/discipline spanking that is coming up in a few short minutes.
I have just heard him use the sander. So he is not that far away.
And now I hear the tromp tromp tromp of his feet.....Well suck it up M3, and head for the bedroom!!
OH, I forgot the health diary today, and my journalling :( So that was added too.
Well, I deserved it. And I can still sit, as the paddle he made, though hurt like heck when he was using it (and he made me count as well as answer questions...no time for thoughts of ice cream and chocolate sauce in a nice warm cave tonight...so no distancing at all) has left no lasting impression.
I am not sure whether that is good or not.
Our daughter leaves in four weeks for six months away. The day after she leaves we are doing the Boot Camp properly. We have to get back on track and quickly. This bouncing back and forth, and inconsistencies are not good for ttwd at all. It causes frustration in both of us.
I have no idea why I keep pushing the boundaries. I know the rules, what is expected and I was getting good before we left for our two weeks away.
Maybe it is just a build up of that two weeks.
Back to the Boot Camp. The recommended is two to seven days. We had decided that because:
a) I am a slow learner
b)The Silence needs to learn consistency
c)I push the boundaries
and d) I visit the distancing cave quite a bit
we should at least do it for three days. I can see why.
The first day is learning the rules, the second day is hopefully a better day than the first and the third should be the day that all goes well.
The Silence now thinks that four days might be in order, but will see how we go....
I have to put in here, for those that read my posts and think that perhaps I take DD/ttwd lightly.
I do not. I am fully behind our decision to do this. Though my posts might sound like I do not try or think of this as a game I do not. This blogging is my outlet. There are times when I am quite serious with my posting...though that is not my nature at all.
I try ( I am very trying on some days) daily to become what I would like to be as a wife, for my husband and our marriage. Ttwd is serious, you cannot treat it as a joke, it does not work that way.
On a good note, last night I was speaking to a friend that I had mentioned to when we first started doing DD that I was trying to be a better wife with respect and obedience to The Silence.
I had not mentioned the discipline side of it at all. And never will to anyone outside of my wonderful friends that I have made here in blogland.
Anyway, last night this is what she said. Roughly (my memory is not that good, so it is not verbatim)
'You know, I can see a change in you. In your looks, your relationship with each other. You look happier, more relaxed...different somehow. Both of you.'
She also went on to say that they are now working on their relationship too. She is not the sort of person that you can mention spanking too, because of her job. Quite funny really.
The reason why we were chatting...
Because both of our husbands said we had to go to a get together of those that serve in church. A thank you meal and night that happens every year.
Her and I have been friends for a few years now, we know each other, we are similar in many ways, including NOT liking, other than Sunday church, meetings of groups of people.
I find it hilarious that both of our husbands said we were going, and to basically suck it up.
By the way, they picked us up to make sure that his wife came (she would be less likely to fight the decision knowing that I was coming too) and to make sure that I came too.
Done rather sneakily on her husbands part though. Between The Silence and her husband I am sure there was a conspiracy going on. Not to sure on the details, but apparently he told his wife that I was going, therefore she would be going too. This was before he even spoke to The Silence.
Men...so sneaky sometimes :)
Hugs to you all. And may you be, where ever you are in the world spank free today :)
So I have two weeks of blogging to catch up on, but instead of boring you with day to day happenings I will try and keep it all to this one blog. Besides, it would take forever to get through the last two weeks of sassy sassy toes and the baiting of The Silence, knowing that he could do nothing about the sassy sassy.
I am going to blog about the flight over. And very briefly about the flight home.
I don't travel well. Three hours on a plane is my limit, before it is a case of aching legs, boredom and restlessness. This was my first flight of 8 hours to our first stop (Singapore) and then 4 1/2 hours to our final destination in China. And we left home at 5.30 pm, as it was the only time we could be dropped off to the airport. We did not need to be there until 10pm :(
The day we left was also the day of our daughters graduation from school. Also the day that it came home to me that she would be leaving home to continue her learning in 7 weeks time. So it was an emotional day all round, right from the start.
It was also the day of the Death of Mr GlueStick!!
Going to back track a bit here in case you are a first time reader (as I notice that I have some new followers..Hi to you all :)
Mr GlueStick is, or was, The Silences favourite 'implement'. He had read about it on someone else's blog and thought what a good idea it was, since it was effective as a spanking tool and also it was silent. He had used it, almost daily, since I am a slow learner :(
It hurts like h***!!! Has whip like tendencies if it reaches to far around the butt and I hated it with a vengeance!!
Anyway, the day we left was as I said, an emotional day, which resulted in some pretty rough bits throughout the day. I visited the distancing cave quite a bit, talked back and did all the things that one should not do when living the DD lifestyle. The Silence was pretty gracious throughout most of the day, but there came a point when he thought that he had better step up and take back control.
Out came Mr GlueStick. Well, probably not a good day for him to come out from the bedside draw, as by now I was an emotional wreck trying to keep everything together, including the dread about the flight.
He only got in about six good ones, before I was up and telling him that it was enough and that he was never going to use Mr Glue again. Yep, a major meltdown. But it did see the end of Mr Glue.
RIP Mr Glue. You are going to be sadly missed...NOT.
Anyway, this blog is starting to look rather long, so I had better get on with it :)
Did I say I hate flying? It is not the plane, or the take off or landing. It is the seats, the inability to get up and do something (and have a smoke :(
My legs start to ache round about the one hour mark. It is not good. It is not good knowing that it is going to be nearly 24 hours before you can actually arrive somewhere and MOVE!
I didn't sleep on the way over. (the flight left at 12.45 am) After a few hours I was starting to get a bit, just a tiny bit fractious. Grumpy, short tempered with whispered 'be careful's' in my ear.
Quite frankly at this point I didn't give two hoots what was said. I was still angry and upset about my own conduct with the Mr Glue episode, that I could not just 'suck it up and take it'.
The Silence could of whispered all sorts of statements in my ear, it would not of made any difference to the final meltdown in that plane. The Silent Melt Down, cried into the airline pillow at 2am.
Right then I could of walked up to the pilot and told him to set that dam plane down...anywhere, don't care where, just land the dam thing.
I was angry, upset, tired, and The Silence and daughter were asleep (which was a good thing). The person behind me kept poking the back of the seat all the time, the person in front watched movies that flickered across my eyelids every few moments. I know I complained loudly. I didn't care.
If we were at home and I had the attitude that I had, with all the comments I made to The Silence, I know I would of spent most of the time OTB.
We did finally arrive, and had a great time in China. A very busy time. I was good the first week, the second week was the week that things started to pack up a bit. A bit of PMT and a bit of sassiness that was nothing but pushing the buttons and knowing that The Silence could do nothing about it.
The flight back was slightly better. The Silence bought sleeping tabs for me in Singapore, after our 4 1/2 hour flight that left at 1.45am. I guess he didn't want a repeat of the trip over. Sleeping tabs are great if they work. I woke after an hour and a half with 5 1/2 hours to go....oh great :(
Yes, I was grumpy, and the plane was late leaving Singapore by almost two hours, so that when we finally made it to the airport at home, we had to circle for 20 mins while waiting for a space to land.
Patience it not a virtue I possess. I am learning it though...slowly. Very, very slowly, and more slowly than I would like to.
So our first day back was spent doing, yet again, a mini boot camp. We both needed the retraining. Today we are not having a boot camp day, but certainly are doing the 'you will jump when I say jump, and not ask how high' and ' you will not talk back, or have sassiness' etc. etc.
Anyway, missed you all while we were away. Only got into gmail once (thanks Fondles for posting my email, much appreciated) and blogger just was not happening at all. Strange being in a country that blocks most western sites.
Still have to read all your posts from the last two weeks. Right after I have a nap :)
So yesterday I said that it was 'potentially my last blog for two weeks'...well it is not. I have a question... What do you do when you are distancing and your husband distance's too? Yesterday we had a 'special' night planned. I waited all day, excitement building and was so glad to see him finally come home. Ok, I was a little feisty and sassy. Had a little corner time to settle down. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up with a spanking to deal with the little feistiness. I was angry. I went into that distancing cave. Crawled in there and refused to come out. The Silence left me to it......and went into his own distancing cave. He didn't deal with me. He should of. It should of been a darn good dealing with too. But he was heading into his own cave. He wouldn't talk to me, gave me short answers when he did. This is something new. I don't know how to deal with it. I am still angry that he chose a spanking over our planned night. I know it is his choice as Hoh when he deals with things. But he could of waited. Last night was going to be special as it is was the last night that we could do that 'special' thing before we share our hotel room with our daughter for two weeks. Now it is just a missed opportunity. I know some people find that spanking is sexually arousing. I don't. He knows this. To me discipline and loving does not go together in the same sentence, and certainly not on the same night. (Ok, so a few taps to the bottom or legs is ok, but not a spanking) This is just the way I am. In some ways I am envious of those that get a spanking then (or later) end up loving each other. So I guess we both stuffed up. Our daughter came home, so nothing ended up being able to be dealt with. And knowing this (how can I be so stupid), and knowing that it will now be over two weeks before ANYTHING can be dealt with....I blatantly got up and slept in the spare room. I ended up back in our bed eventually, nearly two hours later, as the spare room has no fan and is incredibly hot. When I came back The Silence was still awake and said that he was about to come and get me. So I told him I was not back for his benefit, just that the room was too hot. Sigh. Lets just keep pushing shall we :( I had repeatedly suggested over the last few weeks that he take leave on Thursday..that is today. Just so that we could have a day together before we left...he chose not too. So I am angry about that too. Nice to know that his work is more important. (I know, that is an unfair statement, it is just where I am at right now) Sick of banging my head on the wall. I want him to step up and take a firmer hand. I need it. I am not the sort of person to say 'I will submit to you and be a good wife' without a fight. Oh I know, I asked for this, but it is not in my natural nature to be submissive. I do buck the system, while on the other hand try to be everything I need to be. I know that he does not like the discipline side of DD. He understands it, but hates it. Hates doing it. I, on the other need to know that he is stepping up into that role. Half the time when I stuff up he does not deal with it. It is so hit and miss. Sometimes I don't know whether I am Arthur or Martha :( Everytime he does not step up, I take a part of control back. He is giving me permission to be in control. So confusing... Anyway, it is nearly time to take him his morning wake up coffee. I have done this for years. I don't feel like doing it this morning, but it would feel so wrong and horrible not too. Maybe a coffee delivered with an implement....... On a more exciting note...we got woken this morning by the ringing of the telephone at 1.40am to be told that we are now first time Grandparents! That bought us together (not hugging) for a few short minutes. We are Grandparents...OH MY GOSH!!!