Thursday, 15 November 2012

Two Weeks Away

Just popping in to say...bye for two weeks!!

Hope you all stay spank free and in good spirits.

No distancings!!!

Will be thinking of you all often....really I will be :) You have all become good 'friends' that I am going to miss  over the next few weeks.

So this is it...BEHAVE!

Hugs :)

Dam it...

So yesterday I said that it was 'potentially my last blog for two weeks'...well it is not.

I have a question...

What do you do when you are distancing and your husband distance's too?

Yesterday we had a 'special' night planned.

I waited all day, excitement building and was so glad to see him finally come home.

Ok, I was a little feisty and sassy.  Had a little corner time to settle down.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up with a spanking to deal with the little feistiness. 

I was angry. I went into that distancing cave. Crawled in there and refused to come out.

The Silence left me to it......and went into his own distancing cave.

He didn't deal with me. He should of. It should of been a darn good dealing with too. But he was heading into his own cave. He wouldn't talk to me, gave me short answers when he did. This is something new. I don't know how to deal with it.

I am still angry that he chose a spanking over our planned night. I know it is his choice as Hoh when he deals with things. But he could of waited.

Last night was going to be special as it is was the last night that we could do that 'special' thing before we share our hotel room with our daughter for two weeks. Now it is just a missed opportunity.

I know some people find that spanking is sexually arousing. I don't. He knows this. To me discipline and loving does not go together in the same sentence, and certainly not on the same night. (Ok, so a few taps to the bottom or legs is ok, but not a spanking) This is just the way I am. In some ways I am envious of those that get a spanking then (or later) end up loving each other.

So I guess we both stuffed up.

Our daughter came home, so nothing ended up being able to be dealt with. And knowing this (how can I be so stupid), and knowing that it will now be over two weeks before ANYTHING can be dealt with....I blatantly got up and slept in the spare room. 

I ended up back in our bed eventually, nearly two hours later,  as the spare room has no fan and is incredibly hot. When I came back The Silence was still awake and said that he was about to come and get me. So I told him I was not back for his benefit, just that the room was too hot. Sigh.

Lets just keep pushing shall we :(

I had repeatedly suggested over the last few weeks that he take leave on Thursday..that is today. Just so that we could have a day together before we left...he chose not too. So I am angry about that too. 

Nice to know that his work is more important. (I know, that is an unfair statement, it is just where I am at right now)

Sick of banging my head on the wall. I want him to step up and take a firmer hand. I need it. I am not the sort of person to say 'I will submit to you and be a good wife' without a fight. Oh I know, I asked for this, but it is not in my natural nature to be submissive. I do buck the system, while on the other hand try to be everything I need to be.

I know that he does not like the discipline side of DD. He understands it, but hates it. Hates doing it. I, on the other need to know that he is stepping up into that role. Half the time when I stuff up he does not deal with it. It is so hit and miss. Sometimes I don't know whether I am Arthur or Martha :(

Everytime he does not step up, I take a part of control back. He is giving me permission to be in control. So confusing...

Anyway, it is nearly time to take him his morning wake up coffee. I have done this for years. I don't feel like doing it this morning, but it would feel so wrong and horrible not too.

Maybe a coffee delivered with an implement.......

On a more exciting note...we got woken this morning by the ringing of the telephone at 1.40am to be told that we are now first time Grandparents! That bought us together (not hugging) for a few short minutes. 
We are Grandparents...OH MY GOSH!!!

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Dying to Self

This is potentially my last post for the next 2 weeks as we are only two days away from going overseas. I am hoping that in some way I can do at least one post while we are away....what am I going to do without the friends I have made on here to keep me sane?

I have been reading the blogs this morning and have come to realise that though we all live different lives, in other countries, different conditions, we are really all the same.

We all follow (or try too) our husbands. We all try to be obedient, submissive, respectful, supportive wives/partners. 

And on some days we all fail. (in fact I am beginning to think that we all seem to melt down at the same time, this is starting to be confirmed more and more)

Three out of four blogs I read this morning said that they were not in a good place right now. And all I want to do is make it better for them...this is my natural instinct. I hate to see people hurting. 

I am new this, I can give no advice...and that makes me feel helpless. I cannot change their circumstances. I cannot give some amazing wisdom to make the world right again.

I was thinking about that, and this is what I have come up with.  Agree or disagree, I really don't mind, as these are just a thoughts. 

So here we go...remember these are just my thoughts. Not gospel about DD. 

When we decided to DD, I found there was a natural progression that we all seem to go through. Both as wives and HOH's. 
Emotions seem to run rampant, we tend to test the waters to establish boundaries. (sometimes those same waters let you drown when suddenly the boundaries change)

We wives seem to withdraw more, for a wee while, which I think is why suddenly the dreaded 5th D comes into play (distancing) so early on in DD.
We don't do this distancing deliberately (ok sometimes we do) ...we use it to be able to sort things out in our time, not in HOH's time... We are having to deal with emotions that often are new to us, it is easier to go into the D cave than having to deal with more emotions when we are trying so hard to deal with the ones we already have.

On the other hand....we use distancing because we are angry (usually in my case..sigh). Suddenly we are faced with the fact that our new selves cannot deal with things the way our 'old selves' dealt with them. 

You can feel trapped. With no where to turn. It is a horrible feeling that pushes you into that safe place.

Without some form a daily submission/discipline in some form or another you end up feeling lost in space. There needs to be accountability to the HOH everyday.

It does not take long to be afraid that the HOH has forgotten you, leaving you feeling like he does not love you, does not care, that he is not on board this boat that you are paddling, sometimes up stream against the current if he lets 'rules' slide, or ignores the behaviour you have agreed on to change.

I guess heading into a new DD relationship is like dying. Dying to self. Dying to your old ways, the way you have previously dealt with things suddenly change. You are on an unsure footing.
If you are dying to yourself, though your personality and character essentially remains the you go through a grieving process, subconsciously?  Even though most times, we wives are the ones that initiate DD?

Grieving is a personal process, there is no one 'right' way to do so, nor does it follow in order.

1) Denial and Isolation - 
We block out words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carrries us through - distancing.

2) Anger   -
Emotionally, we may resent the HOH for causing us pain or for not dealing with issues rights away. We feel guilty for being angry, or failing. This often makes us more angry.

 3) Bargaining - 
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. When we have been in control ofr so long, the losss of this can be terrigying, bringing up that stirring in the pit of your stomach.

4) Depression - 
It is our quiet preparation to separate ourselves from the old life into the new one. Can also be when we feel at a loss to how we are taking so long to change. That things, as much as we want them to change, will always be the same. (this by the way is not true..You do change! Little by little, or by leaps and bounds)

5) Acceptance - 
That this is the way things are now. Makes each day easier to deal with. It is not an acceptance of 'oh well, suck it up baby' but more of an acceptance that comes with each little bit of submission, each little bit of obedience to the HOH. This does not mean that each time it is easier, we are females, we are complex...what we feel oneday is not the same as what we could be feeling tomorrow. But each acceptance time I think becomes longer, more settled. (Even if only by a few minutes..calculating on my own progress in one area, I should be more accepting and settled in about 97 years)

6) Reconstruction and Working Through - (OTK helps with this :)
This is the point that we start to work out the 'hows, why's and what if's' in a DD relationship. We start to work on other techniques to deal with issues. 
We start to communicate to our loved ones what we need, how are we going to deal with this and that. One of the best things about DD, is that communication opens up like never before. There are times when it is absent, but you know that you can talk about concerns when your head is in the right space. It could mean you end up OTK or OTB, but hey, if you have to be 'butt up' to communicate......

Ok, so these are just my thoughts, and you are finally at the end of the blog (sorry it was so long)

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Spank Free!!

39 hours spank free...spank free...spank free...woohoo...wooohooooooo!!!!

Though I am sure that The Silence was pushing my buttons late last night to get me to say something...because he was just so annoying!

Probably didn't help that I was going:

'Na na na nah na Can't touch this'

I think he had withdrawals... (so surprised he didn't say maintenance or reminder spankings)

He did keep reminding me not to be sassy sassy sassy :( But it was just such a good feeling. Not a good feeling having to do corner time though at 11:50pm :(

By the time he wakes up it is going to be 40 hours!!! Oh the 40 hour spank free famine!!!!


Did I tell you I was spank free for almost 40 hours? I have..oh ok :)

This next bit is not DD related, but I wanted to write about it anyway.

Late yesterday we found out that our daughter will be leaving us in 6 months to go to the other side of the country for a course that she would like to do :(

Though it is good that she has been accepted (through a phone call and email, not officially yet by mail), and we were hoping she would be, it was a bit of a shock that she will be leaving us in just 7 weeks time.

Our last child is flying the nest :(

I thought I was I am not so sure. She just seems so young to be going out into the wide world, even though the course she is doing is live in, and there are many other young people there her age as well, who is going to give her 'mum' hugs when she needs them?

I will suck it up just like I did when our son left home nearly 5 years ago. I won't bawl at the airport (who am I kidding?) I will be the perfect wife and not let my emotions run wild by taking it out on The Silence (and again..who am I kidding?)

The course she is doing is extremely intensive. Time on the computer/phone is limited as there are a lot of assignment and practical assessments that need to be done. Probably once a week she will have enough time to contact us...that and the fact that there is a time difference of a few hours.

Moving along to last night and the Awards Night...

Made it!!!

And what a feeling it was, when at the end they announced, as all the graduates stood on the stage:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, the graduating class of 2012'

And there stood our daughter. So proud of her, as this year for her has been the year from hell.  But she made it, she passed! And we can be proud of her, not just academically, but in all the areas she has overcome, become stronger in herself. There have been times this year that as a 16 year old she has had to deal with issues that would have floored some adults.

And what a great feeling it was knowing that it was our last EVER awards night that we had to suffer through!! Some of the other parents were so envious. As we were walking out there were several saying how lucky we were.
Ok maybe it is not that bad, at least not now that they have changed the set up. The speeches were long though...very long :(

Back to ttwd now..

Did I tell you that it is almost 40 hours spank free? Oh, yes I did...

So I guess this is now the end of this blog :)

Monday, 12 November 2012

Weekend and Awards Night...

Well, what a weekend...

Friday was Valedictory Dinner for our daughters graduating class. Which of course I coped with, even though I do not like large groups of people.

Things I learnt from Friday night:

Don't get up from the table thinking The Silence is following behind.

Don't come back to the table and raise your voice in a quiet (well I thought it was) whisper.

Nor do you call him an jerk.

(Ok, so it was stressful and emotional, and I have not yet learnt how to deal with this)

Moving right along to Saturday...

All day at a conference...nearly 15 hours :( LOADS of people, and I was serving morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. Plus dealing with issues of the teenage variety..and not my own teenager...

Hardly saw The Silence (which would of been a good thing), but blew it that night when I called him an idiot.

Then came the Distancing

Moving right along to today...Sunday.

Woke up feeling stressed already. Time to have some down, and alone time. Told The Silence that I was not going to church. HE decided, which is his right, that as the Spiritual leader and HOH of the house that I was going.

Along came a quick OTK, and another broken coat hanger...(seriously, at this rate I wont be able to hang anything!)

Said something else and The Silence told me to 'come back here!'

Um..NO (well we had guests in the house and I am sure they would have heard the coat hanger)

So off we went, me for once changing roles and being The Silence. Church was good, and we left, for a change after the first service to come home and spend some time together...

Yep, right after my shower and a sleep.

How many times does it take a person to learn that raising their voice and calling the HOH some name along the lines of jerk or idiot is not a good idea...and just where does one let control go? Well, at the start I guess. The start of DD.

So yet another spanking...and CT and another spanking and yet even more CT..

oh almost don't call the HOH a whinge either....OK so it was not a good weekend at all.

I am now feeling more balanced and in a 'settled' place. Should of got a spanking before we left on Friday night and yesterday morning. Wondering if all the unbalanced feelings would of gone.

Is this where maintenance spankings and reminder spankings come in?


New day..Monday...

Tonight is Awards Night....another thing that I hate (along with most parents that have to go). It is a long night of speeches, cranky parents because they cannot photograph their wonderful offspring. Parents fighting over the best seats, parents bragging about their kids being the best (if only they knew the truth).

Kids getting awards that they should not be the one who is getting the 'Spiritual Award', This award is for the person who has displayed the most Christian attributes during the year...ok, so sleeping around and destroying friendships is a Christian attribute? (Would like to point out that the same kid got the Character Award last year and there was a collective WHAT!! that went through the audience when it as come the teachers cannot see what the kid is actually like, when everyone else knows?)

Or this one...the Dux of the College....ok, so this kid is a teachers kid...cries at the drop of a hat that she has failed some assignment, pulls out all the stops about how upset she is that she could not do the guess what? The teachers pull out all the stops and basically write the assignments for her.

Sounds like I am sucking on sour grapes...well, I am not. I am just a firm believer in 'give credit where credit it due' and you had better of earned it too.  In the area of awards (especially school ones) then you had better of earned it and not kissed butts on the way to getting them.

Ok, rant over...darn, that 'settled place' is slowly disappearing.... Breathe, breathe..

Five days before we leave for our overseas trip. Not packed, have not even got the suitcases out. Usually I am packed and ready a few weeks before hand. Not so this time :(
There is so much else going on at the moment with conference's, graduations and STUFF!  As much as I hate flying, I am looking forward to being able to just sit on the plane and relax. Not having to think about anything.

OH and two whole weeks of NO COOKING, NO CLEANING!! WOOHOO!!!!

Of course that also means two weeks of no blogging, or reading what is happening in your lives either :( :(
Well our room apparently does have internet, but whether blogland is a banned site or not, I have yet to find out. Facebook and anything else western I am not holding my breath on this one :(

Well, better get this day started, sorry about the rants and such a long post. :)

Saturday, 10 November 2012


Oh my gosh I did it! I added a picture! Ok, that is enough praising for me.

This is my first Lol day! Yippeeee!

And I know I have page counter tells me so.

And as my lurkers will know, I have only been blogging and living the DD lifestyle for just over a month.

I would love to hear from you, even just a hello I am here :)

Sometimes it is really hard to make that first comment. It can be scary, as you sit there and try and decide to comment or not.

When I first commented (Stormy - Shelter in The Storm) I felt that everyone would know who I was. Silly really...

Then I started my own blog about my journey in Domestic Discipline. It was still hard to comment on other writers blogs though. I was still afraid that what I was doing was wrong, that I would be judged, or my comments not welcome, or what right did I have to comment on their blogs, or I am allowed in this community of DD bloggers?

But as I have found out, there is no judgement here, only support and a 'friendship' though virtual, is possibly more of a friendship you would have with someone face to face.

It is where we can be 'real', no holds barred, true down to earth people. The support here is amazing :)

So, if you are a lurker (I am a day behind in my part of the world, as I was thinking I have only been blogging for a month..can I do this? But it is still Friday somewhere) please leave a hello, don't be afraid.

I would love to 'meet' you :)

Friday, 9 November 2012

The 10 Minute Text Rule and Advice Needed Please

Well, well, well....

That is not what we were saying last night as we were scrambling to get 'decent' to unlock the door for our daughter who came home two hours early..... AND forgot the 10 minute text rule!!!!!

The ten minute text rule to tell us that she will be home in 10 minutes...THAT rule, that gives us time to ....well..(depending on what is going on)...get organized...

It was rather a nice way for The Silence to make sure that I was not going into that distancing place.... So much nicer than a spanking (as I had just had one for telling him 'He was a hopeless cause' and for six things I said the night before)

I was angry when he got home..with him. How can someone be so dense  slow  (insert your own word here --------- ) when it comes to their wife trying to seduce them through texts during the day?


Swearing is a no no. It is one of the rules. (Just one of the rules that I seem to break daily. Though 'Being pi***d off, has changed rather quickly to brassed off, so some improvement)

Oh crap..

You just swore

Oh shit I did

And again

Oh crap (burying my head in the pillow)

And again (this is why I call him The Silence, he is a man of few words)


HE thought it was hilarious! I doubt if I will today though. Could be time spent doing extra cleaning :(

So starting tonight, we have a full weekend. No time for discipline (not that it will be needed) and very little time alone until Tuesday. I have come to dislike these busy times, where we don't get time together alone to be able to talk or deal with things.

Speaking of dealing with things...

From the 16 November for two weeks we are away...starting with a 15 hour flight..together, with our daughter. I hate flying. I get grumpy. There is nowhere to go, and nothing to do.

I think I am going to need that duct tape...

Then, when we arrive, we are sharing a room with our daughter. 24/7 for two weeks. Plus, her and I both get PMT...makes for an interesting household when at home, let alone sharing a hotel room.....

Don't get me wrong...I love our daughter dearly...but two whole weeks, with a 17 year old, both with PMT ....

The country we are going too, is not a country where you can send your daughter out to browse the streets by herself.

There will be no internet either. So blogging will not be happening for those two weeks :( not until the 1st December)

Now this is where I need your help...

How do you do DD when in another country, with your daughter in the same room 24/7 for two weeks??????????

I guess I could try to be the perfect wife.... (yeah, that would be the right answer, but I think hell will freeze over before then)...whoops, sorry Silence.....

The day we leave is an emotional one for all of us, as it is Graduation Day. The last day EVER of school. Our baby, our last child, is finishing school...THANK GOODNESS!!! No seriously, the years have gone by so fast. It only seemed like yesterday, that I was holding her in my arms and singing her to sleep...(wipes eyes, sniff, sniff)

Anyway, back to the two weeks away...

I now feel 'off balance' if things are not dealt with. Which puts me more and more out of sorts, which builds into a melt down. (how did this start happening?)

The likelihood of us ever being alone is really slim, as it is partly a volunteer trip to help out in some schools etc.

Well anyway, any advice would be appreciated, as I think as it is getting closer, I am more and more 'off balance' trying to figure it all out.

The Silence wants to take 'Mr Glue' (A 40 to 50cm glue stick that is quiet..ish that he has fallen in love with using when the daughter is at home and we need a 'quiet' spanking. One has to keep reminding him though, that while Mr Glue is quiet..the wife of the Silence, is potentially not)

And I would like to thank the person whose blog he got that idea from about the glue sticks......

Back to Mr Glue....

Can you imagine at customs trying to explain why you have a glue stick in your suitcase....well actually two, joined together (because they were not long enough)? Customs people don't like odd things in suitcases...

Yes sir, I packed my own suitcase

And what is this

A glue stick

Seems rather an odd thing to be bringing along with you

Well, that depends on how well your wife behaves

Beg your pardon?

My wife..she misbehaves (and said wife standing next to him looking angelic)

Well, um, yes, ok sir carry on...

So, any advice would be appreciated on how to deal with DD while away for two weeks and sharing a room. It could end up being a few days of spanking when we get home..or loads and loads of corner time!

May your day be blessed and spank free :)

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Credit, Maintenance and Distancing

2 x CT = 20 mins which equates to 1, 20 min BT. Which means that if I have done the two ten min CT during the day, and a 20 min BT that means I should be in credit...but not to The Silence, he does not believe in credit at all. Okay they were done while he was at work. The CT was done at the table and the BT was done laying on the bed examining my eyelids for holes...but hey, being a woman you have to try these things.

A few weeks ago I mentioned in jest to The Silence, that since the night usually ends up with me OTB (seriously, am I the only one that cannot make it through the day without the mouth doing its work?) then I should just wait at the door for him with one of the implements when he gets home from work. That way we can just get it out of the way and carry on for the night.

And we have been talking about maintenance off and on.

I didn't think that he had remembered that conversation until last night when he said:

'hmmm maintenance. Maybe you should meet me at the door with an implement'


I can see that happening only once a week...(oh gosh, that would be tonight) as the rest of the time our daughter is home when he arrives from work. She is thinking it pretty strange at the moment, that mother all of a sudden is showering, putting on perfume and getting changed into skirts or dresses just before her Dad gets home.
I can see the look now that she would be giving if I did all that and carried a wooden spoon/paddle or some other evil implement with me to the door!!!

And Susie, I am starting to think that the duct tape could be an excellent idea too!! Multi coloured of course :)

I told The Silence last night that I was thinking about just taping my mouth so that he could have a quiet night for a change. The absolutely funny man that he is said that I would have to do my sassy sassy sassy toes and sassy fingers too.

'Excuse me daughter dearest...could you please just tape my toes together and my fingers..oh and a piece over my mouth too. Then just roll me to the door to greet your Dad'

Um, yes....I don't think so...

On a more serious note...Distancing.

Yep, still here, still raising its head.

I discovered the other night that I could go to a 'Happy Place' while OTB.

The 'Happy Place' is a place that I think of when getting spanked. Not because I need to go there because it is hard etc, but because I found that in doing so, my hands and feet stay where they should stay and not covering the butt.

Sometimes though, that 'Happy Place' stays with me afterwards. And it is hard to get back.

I think this is because distancing has been such a large part of my life, that it is very easy to slip into it again and again.

For a few days now that little voice in my head has been calling it distancing. The other little voice has been justifying the existence of the Happy Place. Giving me excuses that don't really count.

It is distancing. Short and simple. Whatever spin I put on it.

I now have to work on staying away from that Happy Place and learn to keep still instead. Being in the Happy Place in the long run is not a good idea. Especially when it is so hard to get back after the OTB has happened.

I am wondering if this Happy Place is in existence because I am trying not to distance myself like I used too all the time. The Silence, I think has no idea how often I used this to keep him and sometimes myself in check pre DD.

At times I am aware of it happening, by choice, and only when I choose to go OTB
Other times, it just seems to happen. Little triggers, the tiniest of tremors in our relationship have the potential to send me into that distancing place. Though they are getting less and less.
Sometimes while there I wont even know myself how I got there, or how to get back.

The Silence asks me 'Are you distancing?'

Sometimes it is bed early, trying to go to sleep. Not talking, not hugging. Not answering when he asks that question. (well, I am not in a hurry to get spanked you know) Turning off the emotions.

'Yes dear, I am go away'

Other times it is just a subtle change. I will only half hug, ignore some pointed questions, give the minimal amount of emotions to just cover the fact that I am distancing.  These are the times when I have one foot in the 'real' world and the other in that distancing cave. There is the potential to move either foot into either camp.

It is much easier to move both feet into the distancing cave than to have both feet out in the real world.

Being aware of the times when it is starting to happen (lets face it, once you are there, it is incredibly hard to get back without being 'taken in hand') means that I am able to try and fight it off.
This takes such a lot of energy.

Maybe I just need a sign above my head...

Warning, warning..distancing is close at hand

Anyway, those were my thoughts for today.

The Silence said last night that he wished I was not so complex...

But then I wouldn't be a woman would I? :)

Monday, 5 November 2012

Or....There is Always an Or....

Must find something other than getting into trouble when I am tired...seriously, I really do need too.

Call it immaturity, or endorphins, or blame it on the curry...or something.

How come it is so easy to fall into the trap of 'I am invincible'...let me elaborate..

CT, misbehaving (of course, I was tired) The Silence standing behind me ready to swat...
No, no no no nono no no Batman!!! (ok that was because that was the way the no's sounded)

Or this one...

Was that spanking good enough? Did it get through to you?
Yep, that was a dam fine spanking thank you...(seriously, you are laying in a dangerous spot..silly me)


How did you find this morning?
I didn't need too. I woke up and it was just there....


Move your hands...
Yep, right after you stop spanking so hard.


CT (again) hands on head...making shadow pictures on the wall. With The Silence watching (as always, why cannot I not learn this yet?) And then I hear the question 'What are you doing? Then up pops one finger, one lone, idiot finger. Standing out amongst the others that have enough sense to stay down.....


Laughing when The Silence manages to get himself on the hand or fingers with an 'implement'. Seriously it is not funny at all...nope, it is not. Especially when he is jumping around saying ow ow ow (snigger snigger)


Saying 'Man UP BUCKO!!!' to The Silence holding an implement...(sigh)

Seriously, I am no good being tired...really, it is just no good :)

And guess what...I am tired, bordering on being an absolute mess really, after only 4 hours sleep. I will go from being tired to being an idiot in such a short time. No matter how much I try and control it...I throw caution to the wind. My lips are a door that just wont shut on a wagging tongue. My brain goes into neutral where it does not think...There are no matter how hard I try to push down on our polished wooden floors...the hand brake is non existent too.

Tape...across the that could be a good idea!!!!!

May your day be blessed and spank free!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Two Things ....

First off...Wednesday..sorted :) Three days it had taken to get back to 'normal'. During this time The Silence was as confused about what was going on as I was. The good thing to come out of it was the fact that we communicated extremely well this (after I reaallllllly distanced myself last night by sleeping in the spare room) morning. That and the spanking that followed :(

Anyway, I was talking to him this morning about how I read others blogs here in blogland, and it amazes that 90% of the time within hours of each other we are either putting a foot wrong or having a meltdown. This is more so, in those of us that have just started on this road in the last few months.
Now wondering if it is something in the air/water/food!!!

No, not really. What I am left wondering though is there a natural flow of emotions when you first start? I know that emotions are pretty high and low, and all over the place anyway. (I can confirm that just by reading my own blogs) What I mean is....mentally and emotionally, considering that we seem to have the same problems within hours of each other, is there a progression of sorts from day to day that is similar to everyone else?

So The Silence said I had to blog about it....sigh....well, that is about all there is to say really on that subject. Any one with any ideas feel free to comment. It intrigues me and The Silence. And he will ask if anyone has replied. So please, don't be shy......

Well, today turned into an interesting day. It became a mini Boot camp day. I am now sitting gingerly on my tush, and not moving much.

We decided this morning that I needed some boosting in obeying the rules and to learn to respect the HOH, and we decided that he needed a boost and more confidence in enforcing the rules. So, all of a sudden I had two hours to put together a mini boot camp.

It has gone well.

We still have not finished it, but the HoH had to go out for an hour or so. While he is gone I have to blog and do a few other things.

It has been an interesting day, and I admire those that do Boot camp for more than one day. Ok, granted ours is a rather condensed version, done over 7 hours where the norm I think is 12.

The HoH started out well. Then got a bit slack in the middle with giving directions, which of course I took advantage of  made me increasingly frustrated, which of course meant that I ended up OTB.

The hardest bit for me of course was...drum roll please......CONTROL

It sat in the pit of my stomach each time I had to ask for something or do something. But hey, we are almost through it. Hopefully this will sort out some of the problems we have both been having. It is not a solution to everything of course, but at least it might give us both a bit of a wake up call.

I know that discipline, OTK and OTB has been hard for The Silence to do at any time. He has stepped up to the plate (or butt) today and taken charge, even when I was saying no more :(

I am now going to be on the best of behaviour so that I don't have to have him leaning over me at any stage  of the night with an implement poised to bounce off tender flesh.

Must go and do this other stuff that needs to be done before he gets back with pizza for dinner :)

May you be blessed and your day/night be spank free!

Friday, 2 November 2012


Yes, another blog. We decided at the beginning that we would use this as 'look back and learn' exercise. A diary of sorts, of our journey. An honest look, a raw, peel back the layers look. This one today, has the potential to be a long one. So if you are reading this, you better pack some lunch and settle in.

I have had two good days. Days of calmness. The calm before the storm as they say.

I know these are early days, and I know that I have been told that it is an emotional roller coaster at the start. There are so many conflicting emotions that you go through, day by day.

Most of these emotions are new to me.

I don't cry. Not often. I never have. I learnt from an early age that crying bought more violence in the home that I grew up in, that I had to be strong. A tall strong tree, that never bends in the wind. Because of my upbringing,  forty something years that tree has seldom bent. It has been strong, tall, standing firmly through all manner of storms. Never bending, never giving in.

I have been the tree in other peoples storms, the refuge. Sheltering them, protecting them. Pushing back my own emotions to be strong for others.

I am the tree that never gives in, never bends all the way to the ground, never lets its leaves fall.

(and for one of my regular readers...I am ok. Really, I am. I am not exactly happy, happy. But I will be, and that's ok)

If you are a regular reader you know about 'The List'. That little green book that each day has something written in it that I need to do by 9pm. Housework, and sometimes punishment chores (like the ceiling fans yesterday) Bible reading and that stupid health diary that is telling me nothing more than I don't eat properly.
This list teaches me obedience to my husband, it gives me something tangible to do during the day. Something for him, most times, though I fight the list, I do it, because I love him.

It is also about control. Giving it up. Little by little. Even though it is usually just housework. I used do these things when I was ready, when I wanted too. Not because The Silence told me too. Previous to DD if he asked me to do something, I did it on my terms. (or didn't do it) Asked him to do something too, or told him he could do it just as well as me. Control. Always in control. Right down to the housework.

The tree, in control of everything. Never yielding. Forever strong. Never showing weakness. The perfect tree that has no room for understanding of error in its self.  The tree that would could cut you down to pieces with an argument you had no chance of winning. Digging its roots in, until you backed off, leaving me in complete control of my own emotions and my surroundings.

Over the last week The Silence has been adding a task that requires me to take 5 photos of a specific genre. All good. I love taking photos. He put it in I think as a bonus task, and because I did a one day photography course that the instructor said that we needed to complete at least 5 photos per day in manual mode so that a) we don't forget what we have learnt and b) so that eventually all the lighting, F stops and Aperture Values become like second nature. Usually I just fiddle around until I have what I want.

Wednesday the photo task genre was 'movement'. I was already having to deal with doing the ceiling fans, no biggy really, until you factor in the control issues. Then add in the fact that over 260 photos later (thank goodness for digital!!) I was still no further ahead with the photo task....

control + failure.

Then add in a new emotion, the emotion of not wanting to let The Silence down. Forget the fact that I would of been OTK for not finishing the list...I didn't care at that point, and at one stage thought being OTK would be far better than struggling with something that I know how to do, but for some stupid silly reason just could not get right.

Control + failure+ anger

Cue The Silence coming home from work. I had made the effort to look nice, wearing a dress, that I seldom wear. Trying to be a presentable, nice to look at wife. The Silence noticed but said nothing.

I am fighting through a fog of emotions, coming across as being negative. The air I am moving in is like a quagmire. Struggling along trying to be 'normal'

They say you take things out on the one that is closest to you. In anger yes, but it is much easier to distance yourself from your surroundings. I held my tongue (one good thing I am slowly learning) took myself to bed at 7pm and drew deeper into the depths of self control in my own little distancing space. A space that I control. A space that lies to me and says that everything is ok.

Control + failure + anger + distancing

I don't cry. I see it as a weakness in myself. I don't care if others cry, I do not see it as a weakness in others, only in myself, and sometimes I will shed a small tear for them. I don't do the heart wrenching sobs that come from deep within. That build up into a mighty, rushing, forceful release of emotions. I don't do them. I know I don't. Or I didn't, until Wednesday night.

Control + failure + anger + distancing + .....that forceful release of emotions.

My HoH held me, while I sobbed out all the frustration and anger at myself for my failure during the day. The loss of control in my world.

Then The Silence turned me over and spanked me hard for distancing...well at least he was consistent that time

Today is Friday. It has taken that long to write to this. I am still distancing slightly. I can feel it, as I am making my way back to pre Wednesday. I want to forget about THAT day, it never happened. The lessons about myself, the giving in of emotions, I faced them on Wednesday night, and for now that is enough.

I can hear you sighing, or saying that this is not good..that it did happen, and that I need to deal with it. Yes, you are right. But right now, I just need to get out of that distancing space.

Last night The Silence noticed that I was giving the minimum hugs, and talking enough to just keep me out of trouble. I was still distancing...this is hard, as it is the way I have dealt with things for years. Now I have the added emotions that I thought were long gone and buried, bolted and padlocked away in a metal box never to be seen again.

I think TTWD has made some small rust holes in the box!

DD changes not only your marriage, but challenges your own personal life too. It makes you face who you have become. It reveals to you the emotions that you have hidden. The person you should of been all along.

I have to fight my way through this distancing, I have to forgive myself, and not see it as failure on my part, and move on.

The distancing is so hard. Each little thing that goes wrong over the last few days just seems to push me back further into it. I told The Silence that I was not distancing anymore, trying to put things right by just ignoring the feelings of being....lost. I was lying to him, and to myself. In this place I can control myself, if I step out of it....I will have to trust... and that is the hardest thing to do.

I WILL be alright. I am happy in my own way. I will work through this, like I have every other time. I am more aware of the distancing now, I can work my way back. And that brings me to a word that seems to be part of my life right now....Eventually :)