'plus he is now changing the implements while spanking, so I never know what is actually coming anymore, which also changes the way I think and try and control the situation..'
And that was one of those
'Control the Situation'
And I do...never realised it before. Not until I typed that out to Willie did it suddenly dawn on me that even while over the bed I am trying to control the situation.
I control how much I am going to give in. I have no control over what The Silence uses, or how many swats he gives.
But I am in control over my emotions. Over all those things that go through my head while OTB or OTK.
So.....how does one give up those emotions and stop being in control?
Is it as easy as thinking to yourself 'Give in'?
No, I don't think it is...
Not without giving up or changing the way you think.
Willie in her last post (http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/running.html?zx=620a9fd5d640dee8 (I hope that works, if not look up Barney married Wilma) said that we cannot change or blame our past (and I agree) but the way the past has shaped us has a lot to do with the way we now react to life. Particularly DD/TTWD.
And our past does shape us. We cannot deny our past. We cannot blame each thing on our past either. But it has shaped us into what we are today.
We are a product of our upbringing.
I know growing up, it was a necessity to be strong. Emotions were kept in a tight reign regardless of the situation. You never gave in. To give in meant that you could end up being in a worse situation that you were currently in, you never showed a weakness. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.
Trust just did not exist, except for the trust that you had in yourself.
It is this that I have to give up.
The trust that I have in myself...it is the trust that I have to put into The Silence.
And that thought is scary...because in effect I am having to 'give up my past' and build a whole new way of thinking. And this is going to take time. It will not be an overnight change, nor will it be an easy one.
So...while it looks like I am being compliant in a discipline situation, I am actually not. That lightbulb moment was a real eye opener.
To sum it up...I have to let go.
I have to learn to trust not only The Silence, but myself.
I have to trust that The Silence is always going to be there. Funny thing is that he always is at the end, ready to hold and love me and tell me it is ok.
What it boils down to is me...trusting me.
There are times when I completely baffle The Silence as he swats away thinking to himself that this is not normal...that I should be squirming and crying or doing something by now instead of just laying there.
But you see, I am not giving in.
Oh I know I deserve this, I know I should just let go...I know all that.
But my thinking is that 'I have to be strong'
Sometimes those spankings hurt like hell (excuse the expression) but I still hang on out of some warped sense of being the strong one, not giving in, not showing a weakness, of staying in control.
Now how daft is that?
Well it is now time to move on, into the day. Stay tuned for part two of this after I have done some more thinking and searching for answers.
May you have a spank free day!