September 2013 was my last post to here.
Such a lot has happened since then.
We have moved after finally selling the house.
We dropped DD again...and again...and again.
We have gone from consistent to inconsistent to consistent more times than a full moon.
I ranted and raved, and The Silence listened in, well, silence.
Frustration mounted and Mount Etna had nothing on what I was like, month after month.
Trying to understand The Silence. Trying to understand the inconsistency that kept happening.
Trying to understand how I could help. Trying to - well, just trying from day to day. Week by week.
Until we stopped it completely. Never to be revisited.
Put to death were the canes, tawses, belts and other 'things' in my wild state of anger. I didn't want to see anything DD any more. His choice to stop - my choice to break and bend those things that brought us peace, understanding, communication and yes, even a more loving relationship.
Unceremoniously buried in the bin. Broken and tossed aside.
Pretty much how I felt. Heartbroken. I felt like I had lost something that had become so much a part of our lives. I felt betrayed.
And I grieved. I grieved for the loss of something that brought us closer together, that made us communicate more, love more, understand more. I grieved for the loss of something that kept me grounded. Feet firmly planted on Terra Firma - most of the time anyway.
I grieved for my loss - I grieved because I just didn't understand. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand what had gone wrong. I didn't understand The Silence who agreed to this, who said it worked for us, it was good for us. Why would he want to stop?
I grieved for my husband. Because I thought I had lost him.
Monday he went to work and I cried all day. I don't cry. Even after 40 with a cane with 40 more later I never cried. But I did then.
I cried from deep within. I felt lost, like a cork bouncing out on the waves. Being dunked and dunked again, never able to see what was happening, not having that understanding, not having any landing place in sight.
I didn't know what to do with myself. The drive was not there to carry on with the day. I was hurt, so deeply hurt. For three and a half years we had done this DD thing. Sure, it had its ups and downs, it frustrations and achievements - but suddenly, it wasn't there any more.
My life, our life - the way it had been was gone. No daily chore list, no consequences if it wasn't done, no accountability. I could shout and argue, do what I wanted, when I wanted - I should of been happy! But I wasn't. I felt that I would never be happy again. Ever.
What was life like before? I could not remember. Yes, I could. It was a life of bitching and arguing from me. Of tantrums and walking out the door. Of us not talking, not communicating, not being loving, not understanding each other. Me the boss. Me the dominant one. Me the decision maker. Me. Me. Me. And I didn't want to be that way again. But that is what would of happened.
And I hated it and myself then. Is that what we were going back to?
It wasn't his fault and it wasn't mine. It had just happened. And I needed to know why, so that I could stop the grieving, deal with the hurt. Move on and hope that we didn't go backwards.
I knew we had grown in our relationship. It was better than before and I know that DD helped with that. I know that it was hard. Just as hard for The Silence as it was for me. I know that it was tiring - that there were days that had gone wrong at work and that he had to come home and deal with some issue - whether he wanted to or not.
Three and a half years. I knew he didn't like to spank that much. I knew he found it hard trying to get through a cast iron butt that could and did, take everything he tried. Even the cane. Hardly any marks or pain afterwards. No reminding residue of soreness the next day. Nothing seemed to work. He had to work harder and longer to get any result. It was harder for The Silence emotionally.
Three and a half years. And we stopped one Saturday morning. Just like that. And I didn't understand the reasons why. Was I so dumb that I couldn't see?
On the Monday when I felt so lost. He came home early from work because he was worried. I was angry. A quiet angry. Not like me at all. I felt I had no purpose any more. That each day would follow the last without any effort from me.
It was not the spanking I was going to miss. It was the connection that brought us closer together. It was the shared moments of forgiveness and love. The cuddles. The communication.
That was when the penny dropped.
He didn't like the spanking. He believed in DD. He knew it worked. But he hated the hurting, of having to spank.
Three and a half years he had felt this way and just could not do it any more. I knew it was a struggle for him, I didn't realize how much pain he went through each time I was OTB. I couldn't see his face, or hear it in his voice.
The Silence had been, was still, in pain over causing me pain. This man that I married, that I had trodden all over before DD could no longer bring himself to cause pain, even for the sake of DD. He had struggled for those years, in silence.
Communication. We had communicated more. But had failed at the highest level. The communication of human emotions. Not the surface stuff, but the deep, deep inner feelings.
Communication comes easy to me - whether it is in anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, joy. It does not come easy to The Silence. I often forget when I am talking. I have to wait for him to process his thoughts. And I am not patient.
Were either of us to blame? Was one of us more at fault at this failure to communicate?
It was both of us. At our own levels we chose not to communicate those deepest feelings and fears. The hurting that was happening not on a butt level, but a heart level.
This is only part one. I will need to gather my thoughts just a little more for part two.