Thursday, 28 March 2013

So Much to Say

There is such a lot to write about...and no good place to start. I have been so busy lately that blogland has had to have taken a back seat to everything else. I apologise for not catching up with you.

Lots of 'things' have been happening here, so much so, that even the thought of coming here to write has had no appeal. So much to say.

We recently decided on a four week break from ttwd, after a meltdown that I had. It had nothing to do with consistency but then everything to do with it. The Silence has been consistent for quite a few weeks now, but in my fragile state of trust it only took one night of inconsistency for me to lose it. That sorted with communication, new things in place and we started a new week. 

Only I still had not forgotten or forgiven.

My body became a  NO GO zone. No looking, no touching - don't even think about it. With the new things in place not actually happening and me going to bed extremely early each night - communication went right out the door and Distancing Daisy took its place.

During the week I took a step towards handing back some of the control that I had and I felt like he didn't care. In confusion and turmoil things just went from bad to worse when Friday night came round and HE thought it was time to have a snuggle know...

Only Distancing Daisy had other ideas, and they certainly did not contain the thought of a nice snuggle up in bed. All hell broke loose. Things were said that should not of been said, spankings were administered with one swat being higher up than usual..and that was the end of that.

It was then that we decided that we would take a four week break to see if this really was for us. The Silence felt the next day that he had made a wrong decision in agreeing to the, I just felt lost and still confused.

Sunday rolled around and we went off to church. Where I sat alternating between hurt, confusion, pride and anger. Pride being the biggest one of all.

It would of been so much easier to just hand him my wedding band right there in church and tell him that he could take a running jump somewhere. Oh how I hate myself for even thinking that. I was so hurt and confused.

At this stage I knew that we needed ttwd in our lives....I knew it, but pride in admitting that I was in the wrong was so strong. After church we went out with coffee with one of our 'adopted' daughters. Trying to act like all was ok, while trying to deal with her very real problems.

We had a stroll around the shops and it was not until later when we got home that The Silence said that he had to smile to several times as I asked 'Do you mind if we go here/there? Is that alright with you?' He smiled at it because he was thinking I have never asked before, and he was also thinking that we really needed ttwd in our lives, and that there was no way he was going to give it up.
I cannot even remember asking if we could go into shops...does this mean that my mind is now automatically thinking before doing? I wish it was so when it comes to the meltdowns.

Later that afternoon after much thought and the swallowing of a rather large lump of pride I went to him and told him that we needed to do this. He needed to be stronger, not to walk out of the room when things got tough, better to give me time out, than to walk out without saying anything to leave me thinking that he did not care enough to see it through.
He explained that when he does that, it is so he can get his own head together - I suggested bedroom time if that is the case. Just do not leave me there thinking the worse possible thoughts. 

So, we are back on again. We lasted less than 48 hours without ttwd.
We were like ships passing in the night. Silent with each other - there was nothing that we could say. It was horrible and I hope that we never go there again - EVER!

I never have been an emotional person. Perhaps I would have one meltdown a year. But since starting ttwd last October, I seem to have a volatile nature that blows its top at least once a month - only this month it has been twice.  I could blame PMS/horror moans etc, and I think part of it is just that. Geez I cannot wait for menopause....

I think a lot of the emotions are really based on how much control am I willing to give to over. I don't want it, but there are times when I recognise that I am very much in control...and I hate it. While I hate it, I am also afraid to let go...hence the meldowns. It is at those times that I feel extremely vulnerable and out of control of my own space. 

They talk about flight or fight mode...stupid me always goes into the fight mode. Just automatically, it just happens. It is before this point that we both need to recognise and deal with long before things get way out of hand. The Silence walking out is not a good idea - because I want to fight and he is really leaving me in control. I have to learn ways of letting go and not having a major meltdown.

Bedroom time is one of the options that was used on one of the nights that control took over and all common sense went out the window. While it did work, and I was quite ready to go OTB on return, The Silence was still at a loss and did not follow through. He had handed me back control again.

I know that this is a learning process for both of us, even 7 months on. It will be a slow process I think. Patience - something I am not good at all.

I want this to work, but I want it to work now - unreasonable, yes I know. I am working on be more patient and understanding. But unless you know The Silence well, it can get very frustrating going over and over the same things.

I don't know if any of this made sense - but it has been good to finally get something out on 'paper' I now have to go and start the Daily List, which now has more added to it to teach me more about obedience and submission. I don't mind. Unlike at the start where I hated that list, it has now just become part of my day. I also have an accountability space to fill out, so that The Silence knows what I have actually done during the day. Just because he is at work ttwd does not stop. That side of the list has gotten me OTB a few times now, not many, but enough for me to remember that I have to be the 'good wifey' even if he is not here.

I think it was Jill who had mentioned the accountability list. It has been a big help to me, teaching me that while he is not home and I have the freedom to do whatever I like, I am still answerable to a loving husband and Hoh.

Hugs peoples, and may your day be spank free.


  1. I have no words of wisdom...( I do believe I have overused my turtle with concrete running shoes saying this week). I for one am so happy you are back here. I missed Hez :).
    I'm sorry for your struggles. I know them well. You are doing a fine job trying my friend and as long as you keep that up, you will be fine I'm sure.

    much, much love willie

  2. Sorry you went through such a tough patch Hez but it does happen to all of us and we usually learn a lot from them.

    Patience is also a virtue that is lacking over here but it is getting better one little tiny baby step at a time.

  3. Why is something I hate so much (control) so hard to give up?

  4. Hey honey ;)

    I've miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiised you :) im pleased you back babe, so sorry you've gone through such a rough patch, but also very glad you two are working through things together.

    I wish I had some words of advise, but I haven't. This is ttwd, it means only you guys can figure it out for your relationship :)

    Huge HUGS to you x

  5. "I have to be the 'good wifey' even if he is not here." This part is just so hard!


  6. Hi Hez, missed you, glad you are back. You just have to take one day at a time sweetie. Too late for me to have a apank free day:(

  7. Hi Hez. I'm a little under the weather this morning so don't have any good thoughts for you but I read...and am sorry you were struggling. Hang in there as you both get back to finding your way.

  8. Hi Hez,

    You know, this whole problem with DD on and DD off is caused mainly by us HoH's not being familiar with our own roles. We have had no example in our Fathers. And the first decennia of our life, we learned to act in the opposite way.
    We are always on the lookout for signs that we don't do it as it is supposed to be done. And we are always ready to throw the control keys back to where they came from. It will take a few generations to get the natural HoH back.
    Please be patient with us. We're doing the best we can.

  9. It sounds like things have been difficult lately Hez, but it sounds like there has been some good communication and the two of you seem to be getting back on track. Those detours can be troubling, but often, for us anyway, they can be great learning experiences. (((hugs)))

  10. So good to see you back. :) I am sorry that things have been so hard... Silence sounds a lot like the Duke. He isn't a leader by nature either, and I know how frustrating that can be.

    But that is so wonderful that without even realizing it, you were being submissive by asking his permission, or opinion on doing things. :) I have thought about keeping a daily record as well... and you saying that makes me think about it more. But I guess I keep hoping that if we should do it, the Duke will ask me to, not me asking him if I can. lol

  11. PS, put my email up on my blog just for you. ;)