Monday, 22 April 2013

Why Taking Back Control is not Good For Us

Why Taking Back Control is not Good for Us
Yet another essay

(It means that: 1 – I get a spanking, 2 – I end up having to write a 750 word essay)

My husband is the leader of the home. Not just within our marriage dynamics but also biblically.
When I take back control I am undermining his leadership and without meaning to subconsciously rebelling against him in his leadership role. This makes him feel like he is inadequate as a leader and husband in the home. This in turn causes disharmony within the relationship.

Being submissive/obedient to my husband makes him feel loved and contented (at least I think it does). When I take back control, I am upsetting the balance that we have strived to reach. It cause disharmony between the both of us.  It takes a while to get back to where we should be. Sometimes taking back that control is very subtle (like a snake in long grass).

Yeah, I know it is a cat..but it was so much cuter than a snake
But in case you want the real deal.....

 It goes un-noticed for awhile before suddenly full blown ‘control’ issues are seen. Through the gradual build up over a period of hours or days of undermining my husband’s authority, I find myself in a position of having to relinquish once again control back to him. The longer the ‘snake in the grass’ gets away with its subtle take over, the harder it is to get back on track.
This leaves my husband feeling frustrated and a bit lost with what has actually happened. In fact, to be honest, sometimes the ‘take over’ is so subtle that even I have not noticed until all of a sudden the penny drops and I realize what has been happening – sounds silly I know, but it does happen. 

This situation is not good for either of us – obviously.

It takes us back to the one step forward and two steps back scenario. Though my husband has been more of an HoH in the last month than ever before, and we are certainly going ahead, there is always the potential of those control issues getting out of hand and turning into those ‘meltdown’ moments. When this happens, figuratively speaking-all hell breaks loose. This takes us back almost to square one (and a very sore rear).
Submission is an act of the will. I am willing – but human. Sometimes those human ‘emotions’ get in the way. Especially when nowadays the equality of men and woman is taught at every turn in the page of life. It is not easy giving that control to a husband when you feel that you are alone in this journey (except of course for those friends on blogger).

(Submission/obedience takes a strong person – not a weak person. Many people consider it to be demeaning and degrading.  It is those who do not understand, that despise a virtue they know nothing about. They are vocal about being against it, because in some ways, I think they wish the same but are just not strong enough to face up to it. Sorry if that offends you, it is just what I think. Submission is never forced on a person. It is the opposite of oppression. Submission is a gift of one to another. It is a gift that is given. Sometimes needed to be given daily or several times in a day when you find yourself on the verge of taking back that control)

Anyway, I think I have gone off track to the purpose of this essay of ‘Why Me Taking Control is Bad for us)...So, back on track we go. 588 words completed. I have lost my train of thought...with 168 words to go.... (Apparently this type of sentence should not be counted in the total word count in future)

Our house runs smoothly and happily when the dynamics are in the right place. The Silence as the HoH, and me as the submissive/obedient wife.  It doesn’t seem that hard to do...but in reality, though it does and is getting easier (in some areas) it is hard to do.  

Trying to take back control is destructive to our relationship. Or maybe that should read ‘taking back control’ instead of ‘trying’.

You know I could point out here that it is bad for my rear....

Nope still don’t have my train of thought back...this is what happens when your HoH is on the other side of the table listening to some monotone person talking on a video 

37 words to go....

I guess that really what it boils down to is this:
Good dynamics in an HoH/DD/Ttwd households relies on both the husband and wife being in the place where they should be.

The husband as the head and the wife in obedience/submission. And the last thing being, while it is not good for me to take back control......

We can both learn from our failures as well as our successes. 

Even if sometimes I feel like just doing this......


  1. So true. Great monkey at the end, I can identify. Why is something that I hate so much - having to control - so hard to give up, even when I know how well things work when I do?

  2. Hey Bea,

    I have no answer to your question. I often puzzle over it myself! There are days that I think to myself 'What are you doing'? when I know that I am trying to take back control...but I carry on anyway. Sometimes it escalates because I know I don't want to do it...and this is going to sound silly...but I end up getting more and more frustrated with myself..and the more I feel that way, the more I try and take back control.
    If you ever come up with a solution to this problem that I think many of us have..please share :)

    Hugs :)

  3. I find myself sometimes fighting against the very things that will bring peace and balance to our marriage. And I have no idea why. It's so much better if I just quit fighting. Uggggh, sometimes, I'm my own worst enemy :)

    1. Hi st,

      oh yes I agree with is so much better if we just quit, when you know how can you let us all know?
      You are not the only one that is their own worst enemy...know that you are not alone :)
      I wonder sometimes, even though we know what brings peace and balance to our marriages, that we don't all have a little bit of that rebellion that Eve had in the Garden of Eden...lets face it....she was told NOT too..and she did...silly all boils down to that one fruit... :)


  4. Well *I* think it is a matter of habit. We have been in control for so long, when things seem to be going along swimmingly we let down are 'guard' or stop trying to relearn, relax if you will, because we haven't formed a new habit yet -Or more aptly ditched the old one. We slip back into our comfy zone. If our HoH's appear to fill their role with such ease, we hardly notice, we revert back to our old ways. Sometimes we don't even notice. Like suggesting at first instead of asking. Asking a question with the answer already in it. AND then...dun, dun, dun,,,TELLING.

    Testing, testing, testing to see subconsciously if he's still paying attention perhaps? Who knows, but it is so easy to fall back on old habits no matter how unhealthy- like wearing comfortable shoes despite the fact they have a hole in the sole, because MAN they feel nice, until you step on something sharp!

    LOL, willie

  5. LOL Willie

    I happen to be wearing a pair of those comfortable shoes right now...and yes, there is a hole in the soul :)

    You are very wise you know....Yoda......

    Hugs :)

    1. Hey! Is that a crack about my height?

    2. Are you short Willie? I thought you were of average height..for an Angel that is...HAHAHAHAHAH

  6. The lil monkey at the end gave me the dead giggles. I'm beginning to think you have an affinity for monkeys....they are cute -
    'cept that 2nd one - that looks painful....I think your silliness is catching, which is good 'cause I needed a laugh after dealing with our children tonight.


    1. Hey June :)

      Monkeys just seem to have that perfect face for things in blogging :)

      I hope that your night improved!

      Hugs :)

  7. All good points just remember them the next time you feel that control monster taking over.

    1. Hi Susie,

      Oh I am remembering..I have had a few good days!


  8. You are right, submission is hard. My pastor at the time that I got married, he and his wife gave us an intensive premarital course, one I will be forever grateful for. One thing she said in it, {I don't believe they practice DD, but maybe} she said "Submission can't be forced, it is your gift. It can be hard, but it is also freeing. When I leave the decisions up to my husband, he is responsible for the outcomes. That leaves me free from blame, and free from having to figure out how to fix it." But she also admitted we fight ourselves to give this submission over. You are right, society is always telling us that men and women are equal, but they aren't. Women posses skills that men never will, and vice versa, we're born with them, it's ingrained in us. Men will always be naturally stronger, naturally taller. No amount of feminism will change that. You know, you said when things break down that you have to start over again... and I could hear the dispair in your voice. But I think it starts over more than you know. :) It's like a reset button. :) A spanking cleans out the guilt, the anxiousness, the worry, stress, distrust, wrong view points, and more. But it gets our head into a good place. It also helps the husband reaffirm that he is in charge, he is the leader, and he is in control. I'm not advocating for going out and purposefully getting a spanking. ;) But I think part of the reason God allows us to get to these places is also for the HoH, they too need to be reminded that they are the leaders. :)

    1. Hey Es May

      What a great reply :) All good points, and the comment at the end about how the HoH needs to be reminded that they are the leaders is so true.
      Often during our married life my husband has been told to stop being the tail and be the head through visiting people at our church who have not known us from a bar of soap.
      And for years, I heard them say this and thought 'Yes, YES, YES Please!!!' I really wish we had come to ttwd sooner. But I guess this is all in God's timing.
      Many Hugs to you :)

  9. It's always nice to find someone else who believes in Biblical principles. I was going to send you an email but my computer wouldn't show your email when I clicked on the tab. Here is mine if you want to chat sometime. :)