Exercise Machines and Kettle Bells Part Two

Well this is a really short post on my progress.

I have lost some weight! Somewhere around 4kgs!!!

My arms are thinner..as so are my thighs...I now like my thighs :)

So I have lost 1cm of my arms, I think the same on my legs, a few cm of my thighs, and around 3cm of my waist!

Unfortunately I have to say that I have put back on a kilo and a bit in the last week, all because of an immense craving for crisps  :(

But hooray for exercise machines and kettle bells!!!

Sorry was going to put in pictures but have to run...

Talks, talks and Even More Talks

So it has been a few days since my last post. I feel that The Hoh and I have done nothing but talk and talk and then talk some more.

At one stage I had no idea where we were even going on this journey.

I have felt that I have had to hold his hand, over and over again. Listened to him say that we are not giving up and that this is working for us...which, I guess in some ways it is.

While on the other hand I have felt that perhaps he was only 'in love' with the idea of ttwd/dd.

It has been a hard week.

My trust in him remains, but not in his consistency.

Walls that I had built over the years before we even started on this journey are back up. The ones that I pulled down, worked so hard to be vulnerable at, are stronger now than what they were before we started on this.

I feel that I am in a trench. Dug in and fighting to hang onto whatever I can. I left myself wide open, showed a vulnerable side that he had not seen before, a side that with all the inconsistencies has taken a knocking.
It is going to take me awhile to dig myself out of this trench. I feel more firmly planted in it than I ever have.

To be fair, it is not all his fault. Both of us were brought up in very female dominant households. We both struggle with letting go and being comfortable in our roles.

Where we go from here at this stage is forward. But I have already said that this is the last chance. I cannot live holding his hand, encouraging him every single day, telling him that I trust his decisions, that I trust him to be an Hoh, making excuses, having the frustration, anger and emotional instability of an inconsistent Hoh.

I am tired. So very tired.

I explained that you get to a point in your life where you just cannot keep saying the same things over and over again, and never seeing a change. Change has to come.

I have to deal with my own submission and obedience, my own role within the house without having to drag someone along with me. That someone being the one that keeps saying we are not giving up we are going to carry this on....on whose shoulders are we carrying this?

Yes there have been some changes, all for the better, and right now, that is what I am focusing on. I cannot look back or ahead, but can only take one day at a time, because what is a rule today, might, just possibly not be a rule tomorrow.

Every time we hit a roadblock I feel as if the control has been handed back to me. Each time we have these talks, I feel that I am in control ...not him.

And it is doing my head in. On one hand I am being asked to be an obedient/submissive wife, while on the other I am expected, consciously or subconsciously to come up with answers on how he should be dealing with things...or things just get ignored, thus, I am still very much in control.

It  is control I do not want.

There is so much more that I could type here, so much more in depth stuff that has come out over the last few days, and perhaps The Silence will write his own blog on those things.

Today is a new day. For now, I will just take one day at a time.

Thank you too, to those that have emailed asking how we are, and those that have made comments too. Your support means much, not just to me, but to the Hoh as well.

May you day be spank free :)

The Possibilities are Endless

Would be hilariously funny if .....

After many talks and the decision that The Silence made to have a no tolerance policy I thought we were on the right track. There was not going to be anymore confusion and inconsistencies because of this decision of no tolerance.

It lasted less than 24 hours.

I am frustrated, confused and p*****d.

And probably should not even be posting this.

Not in my present state of mind anyway. I have tried to ditch the implements, and he has put them back. 

I have no idea where we go from here...none at all. I am not sure I can do this everyday, with not knowing proper boundaries, boundaries that change at the drop of a hat.

I am sorry that this is not a wonderful, inspiring post full of humour.

Spankful For Bas

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and inspiration that you have given. Especially the understanding of Hoh'iness :)

Punishment Essay..500 words

500 Word Essay on Why I Did Not Complete the ‘List’ on Feb 20^th

Well this is going to be hard, as I cannot remember the rules about the essay writing punishment...I know that there are some.

Oh wait...I cannot count this and above in the word count. Better get on with it I guess.

-58 words

I did not complete the ‘list’ on the 20^th Feb as I was too busy whinging about inconsistency and doing a post on such subject.

Also I thought that with all the inconsistency that I would add some of my own. Because I was being a brat and certainly not submissive at all towards you or your wishes concerning the ‘List’

-38 words

I have no excuse to give for not completing the list that is there for me to learn obedience and submission to you as Head of the House.

Though it was hot and muggy and at least thirty two degrees, I cannot even use that as an excuse. It was a deliberate act of defiance and rebellion against you as I was peeved and wanted to take back some control within the dynamics of our household.

This does not show respect for you, nor does it show a good use of my time while you are at work if I choose to ignore the ‘List’.

I spent the time instead watching a movie and pottering around the house. And I had a nap.  I also spent quite some time reading blogs and chatting, emailing and having a look on facebook.

Having said this, I did do the washing, change the bed and vacuum.

I made a conscious decision not to complete the ‘List’. I did not run out of time, or have that much to do that I could not complete it.

I apologise for my bad decision making. 

The list is there so that I am obedient to you, and to also achieve not only whatever else I do during the day, but also something that you would like done that you have specifically asked to have done. Thus the obedience and accountability.

Doing such things as the ‘List’ gives me a chance to also serve you.  It is important that this happens as this strengthens not only the love I have for you but our household dynamics too.

It is important that I complete the list to the utmost of my ability, without fuss. It is also important that I complete each task on the list in a timely and efficient manner, making good use of my time.

There is also the health aspect of following through on the ‘List’ both physically and spiritually.

It is within my best interest to complete said ‘List’ when you have written ‘exercise for twenty mins’ thus taking care of the physical, and also when you have written ‘Bible Reading and Journaling’ which takes care of the spiritual side.

I still have over a hundred words to go...

-11Words

As I said there is no excuse for my disobedience other than the fact that I chose not to complete it out of defiance to the rules and out of disrespect to you as Head of the Household.

I am humbly apologetic and hopefully this concludes this five hundred word punishment essay on ‘Why I did not complete the list on the twentieth day of February in the year of two thousand and thirteen’

Blast...23 words short

-7 words

I will endeavour in future to be the obedient and submissive wife that you deserve by obeying all future ‘Lists’  as this is what you wish and what was decided at the start of our journey together.

Silly Confused Thoughts

I was not going to blog today, as I have much to do ... you know, housework.

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, and I am really trying hard not to whinge, whine or complain about anything.
I am trying really hard to accept what is...what is. That is, will always be like this.

That my nature, as hard as I strive for obedience and submission, will always be in control.

It is a fight that I fight everyday..to hand over that control, to be obedient and submissive. It is a fight that sometimes I feel like giving up.

Like this morning. I told The Silence that this is just not happening.

Most of you know that I have/had been sick for nearly a month now, and still not feeling quite right. The Silence in his wisdom has been extremely lenient.

Perhaps to much.

Strange how fast you get used to this lifestyle. Basically a month without it, and all hell is breaking loose.

Because you see, I have tasted what this can be like, I have seen the benefits, the pro's and con's..and I want it back. Impatience I guess.

What I don't want right now is the confusion of where I stand regarding the 'house rules'. Confusion at the moment has free reign in the house, a bit like the Sassy Sassy....probably more like the bratty bratty if one has to be honest with oneself.

Being lenient is not good..not for me anyway. I know this. I feel like we are back at the beginning again, trying to find our feet...give me an inch and I will take a mile...human nature sucks sometimes. Even being aware of it, does not help.

I am envious of the posts that I read where they know that these are the rules, and if you deviate from them this is going to happen...period. No compromise, This is it, this is how it is going to be.

I long for that.

And yet, sometimes I fight him on the punishments. I wont go over OTB when asked...I wanted this lifestyle, I want to obey, I want him as Hoh..then why the hang is it sometimes so hard to just do what I know I am supposed to do?

It has been a week of 'where do I stand' 'can I do this' 'will I ever change' 'can I be the person he deserves' 'I want to give him my all..be owned'  Well, I guess you all know how far the mind can go when questioning yourself.

And in the midst of this is the inconsistency.  And in the midst of that consistency is the fact that I know that when we first started this is was by mutual consent. I also know that in the midst of this, I relinquished that consent solely to him after the first big meltdown I/we had when it was decided that he would be in total charge, that we were doing this for life, no choice from me. This was working, and it was going to stay.

And in the midst of all that I am questioning myself, wondering if I am worth it. The Silence says I am, that he loves me unconditionally, wants this as it has helped us so much. But then..the inconsistency creeps in, I start taking back the control, not knowing where I stand. And start wondering if he is sick of me...sick of the struggle that I have with obeying..being submissive.

I know that it is hard to be an Hoh..it comes with its own problems. I know he tries...oh for goodness sakes, this post is all over the place and I have no idea of what I am even trying to say.

Trying to get my head in the right place...and failing.

I know that it is not him..not all of him anyway. I know that it is me.

I do want this. I am just tired of the struggle. Tired of being OTB and getting up and being only in the place of ..anger..not taken to that place of submissiveness, and the next time, the same thing happens. And the frustration and anger just keeps building.

I think, no...I know...I need a darn good spanking to put me back into that place where I so want to be.

If you have read this far, then I admire you. Sorry it is all over the place.

The HoH Post

Hey, just putting it out here that The Silence has finally written another blog!

http://thesoundsofthesilence.blogspot.com.au

You can nip on over if you like and see his take on our boot camp that we did just over 5 weeks ago...

and he has diagrams, the clever man!