I was not going to blog today, as I have much to do ... you know, housework.
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, and I am really trying hard not to whinge, whine or complain about anything.
I am trying really hard to accept what is...what is. That is, will always be like this.
That my nature, as hard as I strive for obedience and submission, will always be in control.
It is a fight that I fight everyday..to hand over that control, to be obedient and submissive. It is a fight that sometimes I feel like giving up.
Like this morning. I told The Silence that this is just not happening.
Most of you know that I have/had been sick for nearly a month now, and still not feeling quite right. The Silence in his wisdom has been extremely lenient.
Perhaps to much.
Strange how fast you get used to this lifestyle. Basically a month without it, and all hell is breaking loose.
Because you see, I have tasted what this can be like, I have seen the benefits, the pro's and con's..and I want it back. Impatience I guess.
What I don't want right now is the confusion of where I stand regarding the 'house rules'. Confusion at the moment has free reign in the house, a bit like the Sassy Sassy....probably more like the bratty bratty if one has to be honest with oneself.
Being lenient is not good..not for me anyway. I know this. I feel like we are back at the beginning again, trying to find our feet...give me an inch and I will take a mile...human nature sucks sometimes. Even being aware of it, does not help.
I am envious of the posts that I read where they know that these are the rules, and if you deviate from them this is going to happen...period. No compromise, This is it, this is how it is going to be.
I long for that.
And yet, sometimes I fight him on the punishments. I wont go over OTB when asked...I wanted this lifestyle, I want to obey, I want him as Hoh..then why the hang is it sometimes so hard to just do what I know I am supposed to do?
It has been a week of 'where do I stand' 'can I do this' 'will I ever change' 'can I be the person he deserves' 'I want to give him my all..be owned' Well, I guess you all know how far the mind can go when questioning yourself.
And in the midst of this is the inconsistency. And in the midst of that consistency is the fact that I know that when we first started this is was by mutual consent. I also know that in the midst of this, I relinquished that consent solely to him after the first big meltdown I/we had when it was decided that he would be in total charge, that we were doing this for life, no choice from me. This was working, and it was going to stay.
And in the midst of all that I am questioning myself, wondering if I am worth it. The Silence says I am, that he loves me unconditionally, wants this as it has helped us so much. But then..the inconsistency creeps in, I start taking back the control, not knowing where I stand. And start wondering if he is sick of me...sick of the struggle that I have with obeying..being submissive.
I know that it is hard to be an Hoh..it comes with its own problems. I know he tries...oh for goodness sakes, this post is all over the place and I have no idea of what I am even trying to say.
Trying to get my head in the right place...and failing.
I know that it is not him..not all of him anyway. I know that it is me.
I do want this. I am just tired of the struggle. Tired of being OTB and getting up and being only in the place of ..anger..not taken to that place of submissiveness, and the next time, the same thing happens. And the frustration and anger just keeps building.
I think, no...I know...I need a darn good spanking to put me back into that place where I so want to be.
If you have read this far, then I admire you. Sorry it is all over the place.