Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Talks, talks and Even More Talks

So it has been a few days since my last post. I feel that The Hoh and I have done nothing but talk and talk and then talk some more.

At one stage I had no idea where we were even going on this journey.

I have felt that I have had to hold his hand, over and over again. Listened to him say that we are not giving up and that this is working for us...which, I guess in some ways it is.

While on the other hand I have felt that perhaps he was only 'in love' with the idea of ttwd/dd.

It has been a hard week.

My trust in him remains, but not in his consistency.

Walls that I had built over the years before we even started on this journey are back up. The ones that I pulled down, worked so hard to be vulnerable at, are stronger now than what they were before we started on this.

I feel that I am in a trench. Dug in and fighting to hang onto whatever I can. I left myself wide open, showed a vulnerable side that he had not seen before, a side that with all the inconsistencies has taken a knocking.
It is going to take me awhile to dig myself out of this trench. I feel more firmly planted in it than I ever have.

To be fair, it is not all his fault. Both of us were brought up in very female dominant households. We both struggle with letting go and being comfortable in our roles.

Where we go from here at this stage is forward. But I have already said that this is the last chance. I cannot live holding his hand, encouraging him every single day, telling him that I trust his decisions, that I trust him to be an Hoh, making excuses, having the frustration, anger and emotional instability of an inconsistent Hoh.

I am tired. So very tired.

I explained that you get to a point in your life where you just cannot keep saying the same things over and over again, and never seeing a change. Change has to come.

I have to deal with my own submission and obedience, my own role within the house without having to drag someone along with me. That someone being the one that keeps saying we are not giving up we are going to carry this on....on whose shoulders are we carrying this?

Yes there have been some changes, all for the better, and right now, that is what I am focusing on. I cannot look back or ahead, but can only take one day at a time, because what is a rule today, might, just possibly not be a rule tomorrow.

Every time we hit a roadblock I feel as if the control has been handed back to me. Each time we have these talks, I feel that I am in control ...not him.

And it is doing my head in. On one hand I am being asked to be an obedient/submissive wife, while on the other I am expected, consciously or subconsciously to come up with answers on how he should be dealing with things...or things just get ignored, thus, I am still very much in control.

It  is control I do not want.

There is so much more that I could type here, so much more in depth stuff that has come out over the last few days, and perhaps The Silence will write his own blog on those things.

Today is a new day. For now, I will just take one day at a time.

Thank you too, to those that have emailed asking how we are, and those that have made comments too. Your support means much, not just to me, but to the Hoh as well.

May you day be spank free :)


  1. So sorry this is a difficult time. Sounds like the ball is in his court, hopefully it bounces the way you want it.

    Try to not think about it for a few days and maybe when you can look at it with fresh eyes there will be some clarity.


    1. Hi Db,

      We will get through this, he has stepped up tonight and been consistent...sort off.


  2. I hear what your heart is saying. I too am constantly looking for easy ways for him to dominate because I'm vulnerable. It is exhausting. I hope our guys dig in for the long haul. Will be thinking of you.

    1. Hey Bea

      It is exhausting. It is like having to lead and follow at the same time.


  3. One hears of "topping from the bottom" but it sounds like you are experiencing some "bottoming from the top" in your husband!

    Consistency can be very difficult for a man accustomed, as I have been, and perhaps your Silence has been, to live a fairly undisciplined life, whether married or not. I'm feeling like making this into a post on my own blog.

    1. Hey Malcolm

      It would be good to read your take on it on your blog. Look forward to reading it :)

  4. Hey Hon,

    Talking is good, it mens you're still communicating, that's so important.
    As you said take it one day at a time, and keep your side of things going smoothly, he'll catch up with you. He wants this life, he just needs more time, to get to where you are at the moment.

    It will work out, you know it will, just have patience.

    Love x

    1. Hey Missy,

      Yes we are still talking...and yes I guess it means that at least we are communicating. He did step it up tonight..sort off..


  5. Hi there Hez, I have no words of advice for you , just sympathy. In a perfect world these wonderful men of ours would simply get it. Unfortunately they don't and it is really difficult to cede control to someone who isn't taking it. Much love Janxxx

    1. Hi Jan,

      Oh for a perfect world! It is difficult to concede control to someone who wants it, but doesn't seem able to take it. Notice I said able, not incapable...

      Hugs :)

  6. Hey,

    I hope you are able to keep moving forwards. As long as you are talking all will eventually sort itself out. It just totally sucks in the meantime.


  7. One day at a time. Perfect plan!! I'm bad to get ahead of myself, when I just really need to look at what's immediately in front of me.

  8. I feel like you just walked into my brain and heart and took a look around! I just told my Hubby this last week. It's been left up to me what is a spankable offence, I planned the maintenance schedule, I made the rules. I feel like I have dragged him kicking and screaming into this lifestyle, and in so doing, I still wear the pants. :( We too, both grew up in families where mom was the head of the house, to the extreme. Both marriages have survived, but not well. We don't want that for us, we want to survive HAPPY. This week there has been growth, so I hope and pray the same for you too. Not huge growth, but positive. He's put his foot down a couple of times, ordered me a couples of times, and would not let me out of maintenance last night, even though I desperately just wanted to lay down. Baby steps, but I'll take them. :) I really hope you and Silence can work this out. I know for us it's hurt so much to not have Hubby step up, to still be in control of him having my control, but hopefully they find their footing. {{{{HUGS}}}}

  9. I've got nothing Hez...but I am all for one day at at time and not jumping to conclusions about tomorrow. Keep talking it out, with him and us.

  10. What the heck do I know? My life is been...well interesting to say the least.

    Maybe when S is not going in a direction YOU think he should be ( or moving at all ) you should trust that he'll get there? Become even MORE softer. Like my Mom says " kill him with kindness" or in this case smother him......oh right, with submissiveness. Who knows? Might work.

    My days of being spankfree are over for now I'm afraid....sigh


  11. Aw Hez, I wish I could help. It's good you're talking a lot, I'm hoping one day it'll just click for both of you and you'll find that groove.