So it has been a few days since my last post. I feel that The Hoh and I have done nothing but talk and talk and then talk some more.
At one stage I had no idea where we were even going on this journey.
I have felt that I have had to hold his hand, over and over again. Listened to him say that we are not giving up and that this is working for us...which, I guess in some ways it is.
While on the other hand I have felt that perhaps he was only 'in love' with the idea of ttwd/dd.
It has been a hard week.
My trust in him remains, but not in his consistency.
Walls that I had built over the years before we even started on this journey are back up. The ones that I pulled down, worked so hard to be vulnerable at, are stronger now than what they were before we started on this.
I feel that I am in a trench. Dug in and fighting to hang onto whatever I can. I left myself wide open, showed a vulnerable side that he had not seen before, a side that with all the inconsistencies has taken a knocking.
It is going to take me awhile to dig myself out of this trench. I feel more firmly planted in it than I ever have.
To be fair, it is not all his fault. Both of us were brought up in very female dominant households. We both struggle with letting go and being comfortable in our roles.
Where we go from here at this stage is forward. But I have already said that this is the last chance. I cannot live holding his hand, encouraging him every single day, telling him that I trust his decisions, that I trust him to be an Hoh, making excuses, having the frustration, anger and emotional instability of an inconsistent Hoh.
I am tired. So very tired.
I explained that you get to a point in your life where you just cannot keep saying the same things over and over again, and never seeing a change. Change has to come.
I have to deal with my own submission and obedience, my own role within the house without having to drag someone along with me. That someone being the one that keeps saying we are not giving up we are going to carry this on....on whose shoulders are we carrying this?
Yes there have been some changes, all for the better, and right now, that is what I am focusing on. I cannot look back or ahead, but can only take one day at a time, because what is a rule today, might, just possibly not be a rule tomorrow.
Every time we hit a roadblock I feel as if the control has been handed back to me. Each time we have these talks, I feel that I am in control ...not him.
And it is doing my head in. On one hand I am being asked to be an obedient/submissive wife, while on the other I am expected, consciously or subconsciously to come up with answers on how he should be dealing with things...or things just get ignored, thus, I am still very much in control.
It is control I do not want.
There is so much more that I could type here, so much more in depth stuff that has come out over the last few days, and perhaps The Silence will write his own blog on those things.
Today is a new day. For now, I will just take one day at a time.
Thank you too, to those that have emailed asking how we are, and those that have made comments too. Your support means much, not just to me, but to the Hoh as well.
May you day be spank free :)