And She is Home....

I am not coping well. Not at all.

Not since our daughter came home 7 days ago.

It is nice to have her home safe and sound and I did miss her, but after having the house to ourselves for the last 6 months, being able to talk, deal with things...and do 'other' things when we felt like it, suddenly we cannot do any of it.

I go from bad to worse, knowing that The Silence cannot deal with issues until she goes out. Before she left she went out to dance lessons everyday, which meant we had time to ourselves to deal with issues, talk and just have 'our' time.

This is probably sounding very selfish. I guess in some ways it is.

We have both grown used to having an empty nest.

We have had 7 days of visitors, (nice to know our daughter is loved by others too) or music, or 'Muummmm" and messes. A constant sensory overload.

I know that it is going to take time to adjust to the way things were.

Yesterday we had an 'our' day. Church in the morning, then shopping and home again to an empty house. First on the list of things to do was OTB.

It meant nothing.

I was/am in that distancing cave. So that was as far as we got. I was angry, stayed angry that I could not get past the 'this is such a waste of time'

I have found it easier to push The Silence away since we cannot deal with things at the time. It is easier to push him away in all areas than to know that we cannot do the things we once did at the time that it is needed.

It is all so confusing.

I need it when things happen, but cannot have it, therefore I don't want it and push him away...so dumb. So unexplainable.

I suppose that we will eventually work out a way to deal with things with a young adult in the house that has ears to hear what they are not supposed to hear.

Emotions

It always amazes me how much we all go through...seemingly at roughly the same time.

I blame the air...or I would if we all lived in the same country. Maybe it is the moon, or the tides, or is it just the natural progression of our emotions.

Emotions.....

Happy, sad, joyful, angry, disappointed, frayed, excited, upset, helpless, powerless, trusting, amused, delighted, grumpy, tender, shocked, insecure, scared, worried, restless, loved, aroused, hopeful, safe...oh the list could go and on.

There are many words that describe emotions, and I think at some stage we use every single one of them in our lives with Dd/Ttwd. Sometimes they are intensified because of the way we have chosen to live our lives.

Our emotions sometimes render us powerless in the face of confrontation. We know what we want to say, what we want to do....but in many of our households it is a written, or unwritten rule not to let those emotions go to the point that it can cause pain, not only to your relationship but also to your  derrière.

Emotions are the cause of conflict..either with another person, or within ourselves. More often than not...it is these emotions within myself that causes the most problems.

Sometimes we need to step back an examine the 'why' of our emotions. Something that I need to learn to do, instead of just letting go and aiming them in the general direction of the HoH..which usually results in being over the knee, over the bed, or over something :)

I need to learn to do this: 

Sometimes I need this many.....

And then I might need yet another reminder to stop.....

And at that point.....well really...my emotions are so far gone that STOPPING is just not going to happen

And then I realise that perhaps I have just gone the

That is what emotions do...they often take the wrong way. Yet it is (I suppose) easy enough to stop and think before all is let loose.

Except.....I am a woman. I am me.

Apparently woman think with their emotions.

Great

So where to from here...well this is where I am suppose to come up with some bright idea that apparently is going to solve all these emotional roller coasters that we seem to travel on at the same time...hmmmmm....

Nope...sorry not going to happen. I can only work on solving my own rebellious and sometimes rampant emotions (like..you know...at that 'time')

1). I have to stop and think.

Are my emotions getting out of control (usually the answer is ....yes) and if so, it is time to slow down, take some time out to sort out whatever it is that is going on. Otherwise the potential to lose control is just around the corner from the next emotional outburst.

I need to stop and recognise the signs. Not the stop signs, but the signs that trigger an outburst.

2) Reduce or remove myself from the trigger that caused the emotion in the first place.

Okay, so sometimes easier said than done...what if it is the HoH that is the trigger. Does the rule of not walking away still come into play if I am removing myself from the 'trigger'?

So this is the time when I am supposed to step back, breathe (and probably breathe a whole lot more)

3) Processing your thoughts and turning your emotions into a positive and not a negative reaction.

I feel like laughing here...really I do.....

Because either way, if I have finally got to this stage, somewhere along the line there has probably been a spanking. So I am now positively positive that processing your thoughts while over the bed is a good place to finally end up if you have, which in my case is usually true, skipped steps 1 and 2. 

Hugs and may you have a spank free day

Feeling Like a Newbie....

First off, my apologies for not blogging for so long. This is like starting all over again...feeling like a newbie

The renovating is done (all but one room, that can wait until pigs fly before it is even started) The last 4 months have been nothing but sanding, rebuilding some things, filling holes, priming, sanding again and painting. Oh and cleaning....

We are a less than a week away from our daughter returning home after being away for six months flitting around the world.

Six months...

The six months we were going to take to firmly establish our DD marriage.  DD/Ttwd has taken a back seat in our lives while we were doing the renovating.

Today is Day One of Starting Over.

Last night I got the rule book out and crossed of all the rules that have been given free range to slide into another, different part of our lives. It was a sobering look at what we have let slide in the last four months. There were not many that were not crossed out.

All the excuses came out about inconsistency/not following through.

All the pent up frustrations came out of why I need consistency and follow through.

Sometimes we seem to go over and over the same ground, start back at the beginning again only to end up in a few weeks doing and saying exactly the same things as we discuss once again...inconsistency.

Am I expecting too much?

I don't know.

I just want to know the boundaries. That these are the rules, this is what will happen if you break that rule. That he IS the HoH.

And yes I can hear you HoH's out there saying it is not easy...yes...I know that too.

I sat down to write an entirely different blog post...and yet, this is where my fingers have fallen.

About a month ago we had a bit of an argument. I said at the time that I did not want to carry on with DD/Ttwd. That my trust in him as HoH, with all the inconsistencies was just too much. That I had lost respect. That I was tired of the 'quick, hard spanks then corner time' which often left my head reeling with the question of 'What?'
No lecture, or if there was, it was one liners. No prayer time. No time for me to get my head together, no remorse or repentance..no release.

Often...going across the knee angry and getting up angry. Often being spanked for something that I had been doing for days and days. Getting a few quick spanks, and laying there knowing that it would be, if I was to do the same thing again and again, it would be days before it was dealt with.

Which left me with...well...nothing I guess. Only a wondering, questioning anger of what the hell are we doing this for?

Still trying to be the submissive, respectful wife. Still trying to obey the rules...and breaking them with no consequence. Which led me to break even more...and more often. And still being ignored.

Feeling like I was being left to deal with all my own emotions about DD/Ttwd. Having to deal with my own failings and thoughts about how bad I was as a submissive wife. Was I that bad that he no longer thought any of this was worth it? That work/study/play was more important than us?

We will see how we go this time. I need to build the trust levels again. And the respect levels. I have a natural respect for him as my husband, but I so want to have the respect back for him as HoH.

I want to earn the spank free days...not be handed them on a golden platter because of inconsistency. I want to know that I have done this..I have earned them through obedience, submission and respect.

Now that the house (other than the outside and that one room) is done, I should be able to blog a bit more. I think I need to.

I have missed you all, and have thought of you all often. I hope that your lives are going forward :)

Have a spank free day

PS. I am not posting any comments made by anonymous people. I have been getting spammed more and more by anonymous spammers, so will no longer be posting comments signed by those who use anonymous as a name. My apologies to those who are genuine readers who prefer to remain anonymous.

PPS. By the way, I am now 27 kg lighter since starting to exercise and eat right. The Silence bought me some chocolate a few weeks ago...it smelt and tasted like Heaven...seriously..it was so good after not having any for so long that I could of cried with happiness :)

Conversations....

Me:  'Stuff you. You can get up and get your own breakfast for a change'.

HoH: 'I beg your pardon?'

Me: (Slowly sliding under the sheets because once again the brain connected to the mouth that was in fourth gear instead of neutral)

A short time later....OTB

HoH:  'Saying 'stuff you' is unacceptable. Do you understand? It is unacceptable...'

Me:  Not unless you are saying it to a chicken

And that was the end of that serious situation.

Not much to really blog on. Still slaving away at the renovating. Ttwd on some days take a back seat to painting and sanding. I think we are just tired of the whole messy, dusty house at the moment. Our daughter comes back in five weeks after being away for six months. 

I was hoping that we would be well on our way with ttwd long before she got home. I seriously doubt whether we are much further ahead than 6 months ago. At least some days it seems we are. But most of the time things are ignored. The rule list seems to have gone out West somewhere, because it sure as heck not in this house. Do I sound annoyed?

Well, I am and then again I am not. 

There is so much going on at the moment, that it is, in some ways a relief not having to stick to the rule list. Because if we were....well....I doubt whether there would be much renovating going on. It would be more than likely me OTK or OTB for the better part of some days.

I am hoping to be back on track with blogging soon. I miss this, and keeping up with you all.

And much easier to get to....

I really have to remember this one...really, really remember this one

And this one...My mouth has a mind of its own...

May your day be spank free

 :)

(PS. Even if I don't comment on your blog, I am still thinking of you all...often, while waving a paint brush around)

Renovating

I feel like it has been weeks since I have been on here. We/I have been busy with sanding and painting the inside of our house. It seems every time we turn around there is something else that needs fixing or painting.

It is never ending. And I am tired of it all...tripping over sanding blocks and paper, having to skirt around furniture, currently living in three rooms..our bed is in the lounge, our clothes are in our bedroom and our drawers are in the spare room. There are drop cloths everywhere, paint cans and paint brushes, doors off hinges and hinges off doors.  (and that sounds like a song from 'The Sound of Music)

I feel like blogland is a distant memory, and every time I do make it here (which is not often at the moment) it is like being a newbie all over again.

DD/Ttwd seems to have taken a back seat to everything else. There appears to now be one rule and one rule only...'Watch how speak'. All the other rules appear to have been ditched. I am tired and my husband is tired.

I have had a lot of time to think though....while waving a paint brush around.

This life we have is very much like renovating.

The HoH is the renovator and the wife is the renovat-tee (I know...a new word)

The HoH is digging out, sanding down the rough edges, rebuilding and making his wife 'pretty' on the inside. The lovely submissive wife is willing (ahem..) and  is basically getting a makeover. Much like our house.  And much like our house, every time you turn around there is something else that needs to be fixed.

Dd/ttwd is not an 'end to a means' It is an ongoing journey, just like renovating a house. Yes, you can rush it through (much like we are trying to do with our house, possibly ready for selling) but there will always be things that need to be 'fixed' Even with rushing through it all, moving from one thing to another, means that you have the potential to leave something behind that should be dealt with first. Which means you have to go back and 'repair' what you have missed.

Our emotions are like the colour we paint on our walls.

The paint we have chosen is a neutral colour. But it changes in the light...In bright sunlight it is white, in the shade it is cream, and in really dark places it takes on a deep cream/pale yellow colour.  It is those deep dark places that intrigue me. 

They are like the places that I keep hidden...my intense desire to be submissive/obedient. The intense desire to be wholly, one hundred per cent, belonging to my husband in all areas. To sometimes just be 'ruled' by him. The intense desire to give all of myself...not just some of me, not just eighty percent. The intense desire to know that when I do something that is not pleasing to him, is not in accordance to him being the HoH that there will be something that will remind me later of what he expects. 

Physically, emotionally, mentally and, yes...even sexually wholly his. 

I have had to examine myself over the last few weeks. Am I a weak woman for wanting this? No, no I am not.  I am not naturally obedient, or submissive. I am a strong woman who has an extremely strong willed nature. Oh alright....a rebellious nature. It would take all my strength to be like this.

I keep this part of me hidden. I don't know why. Maybe it is a trust issue. I want to give that one hundred percent, but that means letting someone into my life fully. I can hear you wondering why I have parts hidden from him, my husband. I can hear you wondering 'if he is your husband, then he should know all of you' and yet he does not. Even after twenty four years of marriage, I struggle with giving over my all. Not trusting was so ingrained in me throughout my growing years, that it is a second nature....a second skin. 

That skin keeps me together from day to day.  I can sit in a crowded room and know every person there, and yet still feel alone. But I can tell you about their lives, their dreams, their sorrow. Because I watch and listen. Most times there is a bubble around me that no one gets through. Those that I choose as friends come into a smaller bubble.  That bubble is even smaller for my husband, much closer to that second skin, but still there never the less. It is this bubble that has to break. 

I want this. But even now I should be doing something else instead of sitting here. That daily list of extra things still needs doing. I am puzzled on how one can want this so bad, yet struggle with a simple daily list.  

Is human nature that complex?

One day all this will fall into place. There will be no more bubbles or second skin. I will be his, all the way. It was a big step, and a big trust issue to even think about telling him about Dd/ttwd. He could of laughed, rung the people in white coats and had me carted away to some padded room. But he didn't.  That was nine months ago. We have been through the start of the renovating process with each other. There have been times when we have had to go back and start again. There have been times when all hell has broken loose and it has felt like the house of emotions was about to come tumbling down. But we weathered that, came through stronger, learnt a lesson, filled in the cracks, sanded them down, painted another colour and moved on. (and yes, it did happen quite a few times). 

Eventually I will be his....all of his.

The Sassy Wiggle

I have never been an eye roller...I leave that to The Silence, even though he says he does not...he does...often.

I have been a 'whatever' person. Though that got a short shift by the introduction of a wooden paddle and even more time spent with my nose in a corner.

Now we have the 'Sassy Wiggle' Which has nothing to do with this lot.....

It is more like this:

And the Hoh is starting to notice other little 'Sassy' moves.

The Sassy Wiggle

The Sassy Face

The Sassy 'hmmm'

The Sassy Toes

The incredibly Sassy Fingers

Oh sheesh, there is far to much 'Sassy' in my life at the moment. No wonder the Hoh is getting used to recognising them all. 

All of them getting put to rights under the new implement from Willie..(thanks Willie)

Hugs to all and may it be a spank free day!

Why Taking Back Control is not Good For Us

Why Taking Back Control is not Good for Us

Yet another essay

(It means that: 1 – I get a spanking, 2 – I end up having to write a 750 word essay)

My husband is the leader of the home. Not just within our marriage dynamics but also biblically.

When I take back control I am undermining his leadership and without meaning to subconsciously rebelling against him in his leadership role. This makes him feel like he is inadequate as a leader and husband in the home. This in turn causes disharmony within the relationship.

Being submissive/obedient to my husband makes him feel loved and contented (at least I think it does). When I take back control, I am upsetting the balance that we have strived to reach. It cause disharmony between the both of us.  It takes a while to get back to where we should be. Sometimes taking back that control is very subtle (like a snake in long grass).

Yeah, I know it is a cat..but it was so much cuter than a snake

But in case you want the real deal.....

 It goes un-noticed for awhile before suddenly full blown ‘control’ issues are seen. Through the gradual build up over a period of hours or days of undermining my husband’s authority, I find myself in a position of having to relinquish once again control back to him. The longer the ‘snake in the grass’ gets away with its subtle take over, the harder it is to get back on track.

This leaves my husband feeling frustrated and a bit lost with what has actually happened. In fact, to be honest, sometimes the ‘take over’ is so subtle that even I have not noticed until all of a sudden the penny drops and I realize what has been happening – sounds silly I know, but it does happen. 

This situation is not good for either of us – obviously.

It takes us back to the one step forward and two steps back scenario. Though my husband has been more of an HoH in the last month than ever before, and we are certainly going ahead, there is always the potential of those control issues getting out of hand and turning into those ‘meltdown’ moments. When this happens, figuratively speaking-all hell breaks loose. This takes us back almost to square one (and a very sore rear).

Submission is an act of the will. I am willing – but human. Sometimes those human ‘emotions’ get in the way. Especially when nowadays the equality of men and woman is taught at every turn in the page of life. It is not easy giving that control to a husband when you feel that you are alone in this journey (except of course for those friends on blogger).

(Submission/obedience takes a strong person – not a weak person. Many people consider it to be demeaning and degrading.  It is those who do not understand, that despise a virtue they know nothing about. They are vocal about being against it, because in some ways, I think they wish the same but are just not strong enough to face up to it. Sorry if that offends you, it is just what I think. Submission is never forced on a person. It is the opposite of oppression. Submission is a gift of one to another. It is a gift that is given. Sometimes needed to be given daily or several times in a day when you find yourself on the verge of taking back that control)

Anyway, I think I have gone off track to the purpose of this essay of ‘Why Me Taking Control is Bad for us)...So, back on track we go. 588 words completed.

Darn...now I have lost my train of thought...with 168 words to go.... (Apparently this type of sentence should not be counted in the total word count in future)

Our house runs smoothly and happily when the dynamics are in the right place. The Silence as the HoH, and me as the submissive/obedient wife.  It doesn’t seem that hard to do...but in reality, though it does and is getting easier (in some areas) it is hard to do.  

Trying to take back control is destructive to our relationship. Or maybe that should read ‘taking back control’ instead of ‘trying’.

You know I could point out here that it is bad for my rear....

Nope still don’t have my train of thought back...this is what happens when your HoH is on the other side of the table listening to some monotone person talking on a video 

37 words to go....

I guess that really what it boils down to is this:

Good dynamics in an HoH/DD/Ttwd households relies on both the husband and wife being in the place where they should be.

The husband as the head and the wife in obedience/submission. And the last thing being, while it is not good for me to take back control......

We can both learn from our failures as well as our successes. 

Even if sometimes I feel like just doing this......