This is potentially my last post for the next 2 weeks as we are only two days away from going overseas. I am hoping that in some way I can do at least one post while we are away....what am I going to do without the friends I have made on here to keep me sane?
I have been reading the blogs this morning and have come to realise that though we all live different lives, in other countries, different conditions, we are really all the same.
We all follow (or try too) our husbands. We all try to be obedient, submissive, respectful, supportive wives/partners.
And on some days we all fail. (in fact I am beginning to think that we all seem to melt down at the same time, this is starting to be confirmed more and more)
Three out of four blogs I read this morning said that they were not in a good place right now. And all I want to do is make it better for them...this is my natural instinct. I hate to see people hurting.
I am new this, I can give no advice...and that makes me feel helpless. I cannot change their circumstances. I cannot give some amazing wisdom to make the world right again.
I was thinking about that, and this is what I have come up with. Agree or disagree, I really don't mind, as these are just a thoughts.
So here we go...remember these are just my thoughts. Not gospel about DD.
When we decided to DD, I found there was a natural progression that we all seem to go through. Both as wives and HOH's.
Emotions seem to run rampant, we tend to test the waters to establish boundaries. (sometimes those same waters let you drown when suddenly the boundaries change)
We wives seem to withdraw more, for a wee while, which I think is why suddenly the dreaded 5th D comes into play (distancing) so early on in DD.
We don't do this distancing deliberately (ok sometimes we do) ...we use it to be able to sort things out in our time, not in HOH's time... We are having to deal with emotions that often are new to us, it is easier to go into the D cave than having to deal with more emotions when we are trying so hard to deal with the ones we already have.
On the other hand....we use distancing because we are angry (usually in my case..sigh). Suddenly we are faced with the fact that our new selves cannot deal with things the way our 'old selves' dealt with them.
You can feel trapped. With no where to turn. It is a horrible feeling that pushes you into that safe place.
Without some form a daily submission/discipline in some form or another you end up feeling lost in space. There needs to be accountability to the HOH everyday.
It does not take long to be afraid that the HOH has forgotten you, leaving you feeling like he does not love you, does not care, that he is not on board this boat that you are paddling, sometimes up stream against the current if he lets 'rules' slide, or ignores the behaviour you have agreed on to change.
I guess heading into a new DD relationship is like dying. Dying to self. Dying to your old ways, the way you have previously dealt with things suddenly change. You are on an unsure footing.
If you are dying to yourself, though your personality and character essentially remains the same...do you go through a grieving process, subconsciously? Even though most times, we wives are the ones that initiate DD?
Grieving is a personal process, there is no one 'right' way to do so, nor does it follow in order.
1) Denial and Isolation -
We block out words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carrries us through - distancing.
2) Anger -
Emotionally, we may resent the HOH for causing us pain or for not dealing with issues rights away. We feel guilty for being angry, or failing. This often makes us more angry.
3) Bargaining -
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. When we have been in control ofr so long, the losss of this can be terrigying, bringing up that stirring in the pit of your stomach.
4) Depression -
It is our quiet preparation to separate ourselves from the old life into the new one. Can also be when we feel at a loss to how we are taking so long to change. That things, as much as we want them to change, will always be the same. (this by the way is not true..You do change! Little by little, or by leaps and bounds)
5) Acceptance -
That this is the way things are now. Makes each day easier to deal with. It is not an acceptance of 'oh well, suck it up baby' but more of an acceptance that comes with each little bit of submission, each little bit of obedience to the HOH. This does not mean that each time it is easier, we are females, we are complex...what we feel oneday is not the same as what we could be feeling tomorrow. But each acceptance time I think becomes longer, more settled. (Even if only by a few minutes..calculating on my own progress in one area, I should be more accepting and settled in about 97 years)
6) Reconstruction and Working Through - (OTK helps with this :)
This is the point that we start to work out the 'hows, why's and what if's' in a DD relationship. We start to work on other techniques to deal with issues.
We start to communicate to our loved ones what we need, how are we going to deal with this and that. One of the best things about DD, is that communication opens up like never before. There are times when it is absent, but you know that you can talk about concerns when your head is in the right space. It could mean you end up OTK or OTB, but hey, if you have to be 'butt up' to communicate......
Ok, so these are just my thoughts, and you are finally at the end of the blog (sorry it was so long)