Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Dying to Self

This is potentially my last post for the next 2 weeks as we are only two days away from going overseas. I am hoping that in some way I can do at least one post while we are away....what am I going to do without the friends I have made on here to keep me sane?

I have been reading the blogs this morning and have come to realise that though we all live different lives, in other countries, different conditions, we are really all the same.

We all follow (or try too) our husbands. We all try to be obedient, submissive, respectful, supportive wives/partners. 

And on some days we all fail. (in fact I am beginning to think that we all seem to melt down at the same time, this is starting to be confirmed more and more)

Three out of four blogs I read this morning said that they were not in a good place right now. And all I want to do is make it better for them...this is my natural instinct. I hate to see people hurting. 

I am new this, I can give no advice...and that makes me feel helpless. I cannot change their circumstances. I cannot give some amazing wisdom to make the world right again.

I was thinking about that, and this is what I have come up with.  Agree or disagree, I really don't mind, as these are just a thoughts. 

So here we go...remember these are just my thoughts. Not gospel about DD. 

When we decided to DD, I found there was a natural progression that we all seem to go through. Both as wives and HOH's. 
Emotions seem to run rampant, we tend to test the waters to establish boundaries. (sometimes those same waters let you drown when suddenly the boundaries change)

We wives seem to withdraw more, for a wee while, which I think is why suddenly the dreaded 5th D comes into play (distancing) so early on in DD.
We don't do this distancing deliberately (ok sometimes we do) ...we use it to be able to sort things out in our time, not in HOH's time... We are having to deal with emotions that often are new to us, it is easier to go into the D cave than having to deal with more emotions when we are trying so hard to deal with the ones we already have.

On the other hand....we use distancing because we are angry (usually in my case..sigh). Suddenly we are faced with the fact that our new selves cannot deal with things the way our 'old selves' dealt with them. 

You can feel trapped. With no where to turn. It is a horrible feeling that pushes you into that safe place.

Without some form a daily submission/discipline in some form or another you end up feeling lost in space. There needs to be accountability to the HOH everyday.

It does not take long to be afraid that the HOH has forgotten you, leaving you feeling like he does not love you, does not care, that he is not on board this boat that you are paddling, sometimes up stream against the current if he lets 'rules' slide, or ignores the behaviour you have agreed on to change.

I guess heading into a new DD relationship is like dying. Dying to self. Dying to your old ways, the way you have previously dealt with things suddenly change. You are on an unsure footing.
If you are dying to yourself, though your personality and character essentially remains the you go through a grieving process, subconsciously?  Even though most times, we wives are the ones that initiate DD?

Grieving is a personal process, there is no one 'right' way to do so, nor does it follow in order.

1) Denial and Isolation - 
We block out words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carrries us through - distancing.

2) Anger   -
Emotionally, we may resent the HOH for causing us pain or for not dealing with issues rights away. We feel guilty for being angry, or failing. This often makes us more angry.

 3) Bargaining - 
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. When we have been in control ofr so long, the losss of this can be terrigying, bringing up that stirring in the pit of your stomach.

4) Depression - 
It is our quiet preparation to separate ourselves from the old life into the new one. Can also be when we feel at a loss to how we are taking so long to change. That things, as much as we want them to change, will always be the same. (this by the way is not true..You do change! Little by little, or by leaps and bounds)

5) Acceptance - 
That this is the way things are now. Makes each day easier to deal with. It is not an acceptance of 'oh well, suck it up baby' but more of an acceptance that comes with each little bit of submission, each little bit of obedience to the HOH. This does not mean that each time it is easier, we are females, we are complex...what we feel oneday is not the same as what we could be feeling tomorrow. But each acceptance time I think becomes longer, more settled. (Even if only by a few minutes..calculating on my own progress in one area, I should be more accepting and settled in about 97 years)

6) Reconstruction and Working Through - (OTK helps with this :)
This is the point that we start to work out the 'hows, why's and what if's' in a DD relationship. We start to work on other techniques to deal with issues. 
We start to communicate to our loved ones what we need, how are we going to deal with this and that. One of the best things about DD, is that communication opens up like never before. There are times when it is absent, but you know that you can talk about concerns when your head is in the right space. It could mean you end up OTK or OTB, but hey, if you have to be 'butt up' to communicate......

Ok, so these are just my thoughts, and you are finally at the end of the blog (sorry it was so long)


  1. This is an excellent post M3!
    I loved it. I have often felt like part of me was falling away, like an unneeded shell or a cocoon. Like a death in a way, but for me, more like a metamorphosis. Like I was always intended to be the thing that is becoming real now, and I was only insulated in that outer self.
    Very thought inspiring, and the phases were fascinating.

    1. Thanks Lillie,

      Your comment is very thought provoking too, and well described.
      You are right it is like a metamorphosis. I too feel like I am becoming the person that I was intended to be. Baby steps I guess..sigh :)

  2. Nooooooooooooo! * um not about your post about not hearing from you for 2 whole weeks* It couldn't just be that you are coming to Canada and think we don't have these amenities eh?

    I agree with a lot of your post ( great post btw). I wouldn't say MYSELF that I am dying, but being reborn. Wilma died years ago. I was a ghost of my former self. I am being reincarnated into well...ME!

    I TOTALLY agree with the frustrations etc. So much so that I think I will ask Barney to read this post. I just have to figure out when would be a good time. You see, oh somethings are just so confusing. Do you wait to see how HOH is going to deal with something, and then risk being frustrated or do you talk about said thing first and find out what his plans are, and then STILL risk being disappointed...anyway MY issue

    Where was I ? Oh. I think it is so hard for us to remember that we are not in a submissive mindset all the time, and yet we expect them to be in an HoH mindset all the time<- so guilty of this one myself. Easier said than done to remember that though isn't it?

    Back to your trip. Please be careful. I know you have alluded to that you are going somewhere, um well...please be careful. Don't get angry with Silence and actually distance yourself! Try not to over think the submissive thing. Enjoy yourself. Be mindful though...blah, blah, blah.

    Alright give me a kiss. Kiss to your forehead and off you go! Tiny tap to the bottom.


  3. OH Willie, you always make me smile or are such a joy :)

    Yes, two whole weeks! Would love to go to Canada, it has been on my list of 'wants' for a good many years! But no, not this time..this time it is ....China :)

    Reborn..yes, I like that too :) Like Lillie's post about metamorphosis. Becoming who you were meant to be.

    I hate waiting to find out what the 'consequences' are for my actions. I will prod and poke with questions. I cannot wait, I am too impatient and would rather get my head into the right space to be able to deal with the punishment. Often, oh so very often, I am frustrated as The Silence takes his time to sort out the when, why's and how's. Then get a feeling of disappointment if I (is this control) think that the consequences do not fit. So confusing :)

    The mindset..yes. I think that the HOH should be in that mindset all the time, though of course they are not, and you are right neither are we in that submissive mindset all the time either. And yes, easier said than done :(

    Will be mindful on our trip...would not be looking forward to bearing the butt when we got back!! More settled about it now. We will just take things as they come. Have been working on the last week with being more mindful and respectful. (hard to believe I know...)

    A hug and a kiss to you too. (so glad you only gave a tiny tap to the bottom, still a bit sore from last nights 'taps' to the bottom :)

    Might post before we go, and WILL try and post while away if I can :)

  4. Thanks Fondles, and hugs right back at you :)

  5. I loved this M3. We are all in stages of falling down and getting up. I think you have a great deal of insight already into what this way of life looks and feels like. It's interesting that so many of us have such common responses. Maybe us women aren't so complicated after all. Nah.

    It took me a long time before I could wander to a blog and say hey, try "x", it might help because you never want to prescribe to someone else how to do ttwd. But there are moments when you can read the need in their words and know that concrete suggestions are exactly what they need. Most of the time though, we all just share our experiences and what has helped us. You can already do that and it's amazing to me how much connection there is between those new to this, those of us like MM and I who have been at it a short while and those who are veterans. We share so thanks for this post. It was a real encouragement to me yesterday when I needed it. Sorry I didn't have time to leave you a comment right away.

  6. Hey Susie :)
    Women, I think will always be complicated...always. It is what keeps the males on their toes. How boring life would be without us girls!

    Your welcome for the post, and so glad that it encouraged you yesterday. Been sending hugs your way now (mentally and virtually) for a few days now :)

    No need to apologise for not commenting earlier. I know that those that do comment, do so when they are ready. And that is fine :)

    I do hope that all is well with you now, or at least starting to look brighter :)

    Hugs Susie :)

  7. Well I was going to shoot you a quick email to wish you one last time a safe trip, but you don't have an email listed...So here I go publically. I hope things find you and Silence back together today. Enjoy your trip, especially because it could very well be one of the last with your daughter....remember that when you want to 'flip off' Silence.

    I will miss you!


  8. This is a superb post! It is true, submission is a lot like dying to your old self. This is a wonderful insight, M3. Going to add this to our favorite posts page! Thank you for sharing this.