Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Credit, Maintenance and Distancing

2 x CT = 20 mins which equates to 1, 20 min BT. Which means that if I have done the two ten min CT during the day, and a 20 min BT that means I should be in credit...but not to The Silence, he does not believe in credit at all. Okay they were done while he was at work. The CT was done at the table and the BT was done laying on the bed examining my eyelids for holes...but hey, being a woman you have to try these things.

A few weeks ago I mentioned in jest to The Silence, that since the night usually ends up with me OTB (seriously, am I the only one that cannot make it through the day without the mouth doing its work?) then I should just wait at the door for him with one of the implements when he gets home from work. That way we can just get it out of the way and carry on for the night.

And we have been talking about maintenance off and on.

I didn't think that he had remembered that conversation until last night when he said:

'hmmm maintenance. Maybe you should meet me at the door with an implement'


I can see that happening only once a week...(oh gosh, that would be tonight) as the rest of the time our daughter is home when he arrives from work. She is thinking it pretty strange at the moment, that mother all of a sudden is showering, putting on perfume and getting changed into skirts or dresses just before her Dad gets home.
I can see the look now that she would be giving if I did all that and carried a wooden spoon/paddle or some other evil implement with me to the door!!!

And Susie, I am starting to think that the duct tape could be an excellent idea too!! Multi coloured of course :)

I told The Silence last night that I was thinking about just taping my mouth so that he could have a quiet night for a change. The absolutely funny man that he is said that I would have to do my sassy sassy sassy toes and sassy fingers too.

'Excuse me daughter dearest...could you please just tape my toes together and my fingers..oh and a piece over my mouth too. Then just roll me to the door to greet your Dad'

Um, yes....I don't think so...

On a more serious note...Distancing.

Yep, still here, still raising its head.

I discovered the other night that I could go to a 'Happy Place' while OTB.

The 'Happy Place' is a place that I think of when getting spanked. Not because I need to go there because it is hard etc, but because I found that in doing so, my hands and feet stay where they should stay and not covering the butt.

Sometimes though, that 'Happy Place' stays with me afterwards. And it is hard to get back.

I think this is because distancing has been such a large part of my life, that it is very easy to slip into it again and again.

For a few days now that little voice in my head has been calling it distancing. The other little voice has been justifying the existence of the Happy Place. Giving me excuses that don't really count.

It is distancing. Short and simple. Whatever spin I put on it.

I now have to work on staying away from that Happy Place and learn to keep still instead. Being in the Happy Place in the long run is not a good idea. Especially when it is so hard to get back after the OTB has happened.

I am wondering if this Happy Place is in existence because I am trying not to distance myself like I used too all the time. The Silence, I think has no idea how often I used this to keep him and sometimes myself in check pre DD.

At times I am aware of it happening, by choice, and only when I choose to go OTB
Other times, it just seems to happen. Little triggers, the tiniest of tremors in our relationship have the potential to send me into that distancing place. Though they are getting less and less.
Sometimes while there I wont even know myself how I got there, or how to get back.

The Silence asks me 'Are you distancing?'

Sometimes it is bed early, trying to go to sleep. Not talking, not hugging. Not answering when he asks that question. (well, I am not in a hurry to get spanked you know) Turning off the emotions.

'Yes dear, I am go away'

Other times it is just a subtle change. I will only half hug, ignore some pointed questions, give the minimal amount of emotions to just cover the fact that I am distancing.  These are the times when I have one foot in the 'real' world and the other in that distancing cave. There is the potential to move either foot into either camp.

It is much easier to move both feet into the distancing cave than to have both feet out in the real world.

Being aware of the times when it is starting to happen (lets face it, once you are there, it is incredibly hard to get back without being 'taken in hand') means that I am able to try and fight it off.
This takes such a lot of energy.

Maybe I just need a sign above my head...

Warning, warning..distancing is close at hand

Anyway, those were my thoughts for today.

The Silence said last night that he wished I was not so complex...

But then I wouldn't be a woman would I? :)


  1. Good morning? Is that right?

    Anyway the distancing thing is so hard. Fortunately Barney isn't as observant, or willing to call me out on it as Silence is doing.

    It is my default. My protective shell. Any sign of emotional danger, it is like the lid slams shut. Nope..Not coming out!

    Big on the half @$$ed hug myself at times...Been very distant today, sigh. Barney's day off means working at home... means me channeling back to old Wilma.

    Sorry about ME on your page. Guess I just wanted you to understand, although we don't have the same flapping tongues, and slapping husbands, we are the same in some ways.

    If you figure it out. Let me know.


    1. Yes, Wilma..Good morning it is :)

      Sounds like we are both snails that withdraw into the shell at any hint of emotional danger :(

      It is hard when they are home. I think it is easier sometimes to just go into the shell, instead of having to deal with some emotions that arise when they are around.

      We love them dearly though. (Sometimes a picture of a small round frying pan comes to mind )

      The Silence is getting wiser and wiser (and greyer and greyer) as each day passes. He is starting to notice the warning signs now, sooner than he used too. Makes it just a little more difficult to get fully into the distance place.

      Don't be sorry about the 'ME on your page'. It is all good. I have no problem with anyone being themselves here on these silly blogs that sometimes keep my mind and soul together!

      Just realised this is almost the length of another blog!

      Flapping tongue...hmmm, the biggest thing that seems to have a mind of its own..sigh.

      If I figure it out Wilma, I will let you know. But I wouldn't hold your breath on that one :)

      :) May your day be blessed

  2. I'm wondering if we are the same person??? Ha! I must have my H read your blog! He was just questioning what other women were like as far as this sass, distancing that I fall into almost daily it seems!

  3. Hi Emi

    Gosh I just can't help myself sometimes Emi, with the sassy sassy!!

    I try so hard, then in a moment it all comes crashing down through some flippant comment or such. Oh well, eventually I will be the perfect wife, with the perfect tongue, the perfect hugs...


    Sounds like we are the same person, from what I read on your blogs too. (Veiled Obsessions?) gosh I do hope I have that right!

    Sometimes I get THAT look, and THAT comment that 'THAT is ENOUGH' and out slips another comment, and sometimes a giggle too (cause they are so funny at the time, but not so funny when OTK OR OTB)

    Distancing ..hmmm, I think we all do it. To some degree. Though I think there are some that are able to handle it better when they know it is happening. Not me :(
    It is when you get to 'that place' and don't know how you got there, that it becomes an issue. Because how can you deal with it and talk to the HoH if you don't know yourself what the problem is?

    So complicated.

    I got OTB the other night, got up, hugged etc...then it struck me that I was still there in the distancing cave. Three days later it all came out (with another OTB). Three days horrible days it took to just work my way out to the point where I could almost say what the problem was.

    It is a journey Emi. A long hard one, with bumps and scrapes. But oh such wonderful times too when you are not in THAT place.

    Sorry I have waffled a bit.

    Have your H read this. And others. He will find that many of us are the same.

    As The Silence is finding out...we are very complex :)

  4. I'm trying to stay on top of your short forms.

    CT= corner time?


    OTB=over the bed? that I've got that out of my system, I'll check the hardware store for pretty duct tape that will also work for fingers and toes.

    Seriously though M3, you are so completely normal! One of the things that helped us in our first couple months was for MM to call out things as he saw them. Not everything had a consequence b/c it was too overwhelming for me. Would it help you to have your husband take you carefully by the shoulders each time he started to see you distancing and very gently point it out? If you are at all like me, it happens before I even realize it but like my husband, yours seems awfully observant. B/c this is so engrained in us, it takes a lot of time to reverse and the little steps are huge. In time, your husband will be able to pull you back as you start to distance with just a single touch. It's all so vulnerable isn't it? Tough stuff, I know it. I struggle with this every day.

  5. CT and OTB = yes

    BT is Bedroom Time (revised by The Silence, so a place where lines are done at the same time, done if I have accumulated CT)

    Thanks for checking for pretty duct tape. We only have silver here as far as I know. Not my colour at all really :)

    The Silence never used to be so observant! This is a new skill that he has acquired in the last month. So is being consistent which is a good thing really.

    Good idea about pointing things out. It would certainly save a lot of time spent in the bedroom!
    The changes are very subtle, that is the changes for the good.
    Will mention this idea to him, thank you very much for writing about how your husband did that. Much appreciated :)

    May your day be blessed and spank free :)

  6. Ooh - here, here - Walmart has all kinds of pretty duct tape! I just picked up some hot pink to decorate my mailbox. :) Actually to fix it since some idiots think it's so much fun to bash it but I'm still going to make it pretty now.

    Susie gave you some wonderful advice - reach out to the Silence and work out a plan of action with him to pull you back. The really bad part of distancing is that you can't always control it so if you start distancing from the Silence, it becomes such a habit that you end up distancing from other loved ones such as your daughter also. Good luck in breaking this habit.


    1. Ohhh Hot pink! Now that would be nice :) Wearing black at the moment so that would go quite nicely!

      Yes, you are right Cat, I do have to be careful that I don't distance from other loved ones too. The Silence was pretty much on it last night, right from the time he came home. After all, I have to remember that he reads my blogs too. Regularly, Daily...sigh.
      Susie's advice was really good, love it how people pull together in this little community :)

  7. hiya, i just got here via June's blog. nice to meet (aka 'find') you :)

    I've added you. will come back and read your older posts when i have the time... (in between classes at the mo)


    1. Hi Fondles! Nice to meet you too!
      Look forward to 'getting to know you'

  8. Hi M3,

    I find it really hard to maintain the balance between distancing and being 'in his face' when I am upset. It's nice to know i'm not the only one who struggles with distancing when life seems all too hard.


  9. You are very normal Callie :) I think in a DD relationship it is more obvious, as you become (and the HoH) more and more aware of it. What used to be 'normal' suddenly becomes abnormal/unacceptable. It is quite hard to deal with at times.

    But we will get there Callie...eventually :)

  10. Sweetie, I'm wondering if your happy place is sub-space,in which case it is not psychological distancing, it is a physiological reaction to pain. Your body releases endorphins, and you go to a place that is very pleasant.

    This is why aftercare/cuddling is so important, to reconnect you with yourself and with him.It also has the added benefit of deepening your connection with the Silence, because then your body releases oxytocin, which is also known as the cuddle hormone.

  11. Hi June,

    Sounds like a great conclusion. But would this be the case if I am actually choosing to go there? And even with cuddle time, which we have everytime, I am still in that 'space'. Because I do choose to go there, though The Silence is no longer waiting for me to even think about getting into that space anymore, so it has not worked since he read this blog :(

    1. Hmmm, yes, you can choose to go there. It's really a matter of just giving over to the feeling. It can be resisted, too, and a lot of Dominant's use tools like counting, or repeating a phrase, to keep the sub in the here and now. Yes, sometimes it is very difficult to come back.

      He may be using some of those tools they have to keep you out of it, or because you are more aware of it, you could be subconsciously resisting it.