2 x CT = 20 mins which equates to 1, 20 min BT. Which means that if I have done the two ten min CT during the day, and a 20 min BT that means I should be in credit...but not to The Silence, he does not believe in credit at all. Okay they were done while he was at work. The CT was done at the table and the BT was done laying on the bed examining my eyelids for holes...but hey, being a woman you have to try these things.
A few weeks ago I mentioned in jest to The Silence, that since the night usually ends up with me OTB (seriously, am I the only one that cannot make it through the day without the mouth doing its work?) then I should just wait at the door for him with one of the implements when he gets home from work. That way we can just get it out of the way and carry on for the night.
And we have been talking about maintenance off and on.
I didn't think that he had remembered that conversation until last night when he said:
'hmmm maintenance. Maybe you should meet me at the door with an implement'
I can see that happening only once a week...(oh gosh, that would be tonight) as the rest of the time our daughter is home when he arrives from work. She is thinking it pretty strange at the moment, that mother all of a sudden is showering, putting on perfume and getting changed into skirts or dresses just before her Dad gets home.
I can see the look now that she would be giving if I did all that and carried a wooden spoon/paddle or some other evil implement with me to the door!!!
And Susie, I am starting to think that the duct tape could be an excellent idea too!! Multi coloured of course :)
I told The Silence last night that I was thinking about just taping my mouth so that he could have a quiet night for a change. The absolutely funny man that he is said that I would have to do my sassy sassy sassy toes and sassy fingers too.
'Excuse me daughter dearest...could you please just tape my toes together and my fingers..oh and a piece over my mouth too. Then just roll me to the door to greet your Dad'
Um, yes....I don't think so...
On a more serious note...Distancing.
Yep, still here, still raising its head.
I discovered the other night that I could go to a 'Happy Place' while OTB.
The 'Happy Place' is a place that I think of when getting spanked. Not because I need to go there because it is hard etc, but because I found that in doing so, my hands and feet stay where they should stay and not covering the butt.
Sometimes though, that 'Happy Place' stays with me afterwards. And it is hard to get back.
I think this is because distancing has been such a large part of my life, that it is very easy to slip into it again and again.
For a few days now that little voice in my head has been calling it distancing. The other little voice has been justifying the existence of the Happy Place. Giving me excuses that don't really count.
It is distancing. Short and simple. Whatever spin I put on it.
I now have to work on staying away from that Happy Place and learn to keep still instead. Being in the Happy Place in the long run is not a good idea. Especially when it is so hard to get back after the OTB has happened.
I am wondering if this Happy Place is in existence because I am trying not to distance myself like I used too all the time. The Silence, I think has no idea how often I used this to keep him and sometimes myself in check pre DD.
At times I am aware of it happening, by choice, and only when I choose to go there...eg. OTB
Other times, it just seems to happen. Little triggers, the tiniest of tremors in our relationship have the potential to send me into that distancing place. Though they are getting less and less.
Sometimes while there I wont even know myself how I got there, or how to get back.
The Silence asks me 'Are you distancing?'
Sometimes it is obvious...in bed early, trying to go to sleep. Not talking, not hugging. Not answering when he asks that question. (well, I am not in a hurry to get spanked you know) Turning off the emotions.
'Yes dear, I am distancing..now go away'
Other times it is just a subtle change. I will only half hug, ignore some pointed questions, give the minimal amount of emotions to just cover the fact that I am distancing. These are the times when I have one foot in the 'real' world and the other in that distancing cave. There is the potential to move either foot into either camp.
It is much easier to move both feet into the distancing cave than to have both feet out in the real world.
Being aware of the times when it is starting to happen (lets face it, once you are there, it is incredibly hard to get back without being 'taken in hand') means that I am able to try and fight it off.
This takes such a lot of energy.
Maybe I just need a sign above my head...
Warning, warning..distancing is close at hand
Anyway, those were my thoughts for today.
The Silence said last night that he wished I was not so complex...
But then I wouldn't be a woman would I? :)