Yes, another blog. We decided at the beginning that we would use this as 'look back and learn' exercise. A diary of sorts, of our journey. An honest look, a raw, peel back the layers look. This one today, has the potential to be a long one. So if you are reading this, you better pack some lunch and settle in.
I have had two good days. Days of calmness. The calm before the storm as they say.
I know these are early days, and I know that I have been told that it is an emotional roller coaster at the start. There are so many conflicting emotions that you go through, day by day.
Most of these emotions are new to me.
I don't cry. Not often. I never have. I learnt from an early age that crying bought more violence in the home that I grew up in, that I had to be strong. A tall strong tree, that never bends in the wind. Because of my upbringing, forty something years that tree has seldom bent. It has been strong, tall, standing firmly through all manner of storms. Never bending, never giving in.
I have been the tree in other peoples storms, the refuge. Sheltering them, protecting them. Pushing back my own emotions to be strong for others.
I am the tree that never gives in, never bends all the way to the ground, never lets its leaves fall.
(and for one of my regular readers...I am ok. Really, I am. I am not exactly happy, happy. But I will be, and that's ok)
If you are a regular reader you know about 'The List'. That little green book that each day has something written in it that I need to do by 9pm. Housework, and sometimes punishment chores (like the ceiling fans yesterday) Bible reading and that stupid health diary that is telling me nothing more than I don't eat properly.
This list teaches me obedience to my husband, it gives me something tangible to do during the day. Something for him, most times, though I fight the list, I do it, because I love him.
It is also about control. Giving it up. Little by little. Even though it is usually just housework. I used do these things when I was ready, when I wanted too. Not because The Silence told me too. Previous to DD if he asked me to do something, I did it on my terms. (or didn't do it) Asked him to do something too, or told him he could do it just as well as me. Control. Always in control. Right down to the housework.
The tree, in control of everything. Never yielding. Forever strong. Never showing weakness. The perfect tree that has no room for understanding of error in its self. The tree that would could cut you down to pieces with an argument you had no chance of winning. Digging its roots in, until you backed off, leaving me in complete control of my own emotions and my surroundings.
Over the last week The Silence has been adding a task that requires me to take 5 photos of a specific genre. All good. I love taking photos. He put it in I think as a bonus task, and because I did a one day photography course that the instructor said that we needed to complete at least 5 photos per day in manual mode so that a) we don't forget what we have learnt and b) so that eventually all the lighting, F stops and Aperture Values become like second nature. Usually I just fiddle around until I have what I want.
Wednesday the photo task genre was 'movement'. I was already having to deal with doing the ceiling fans, no biggy really, until you factor in the control issues. Then add in the fact that over 260 photos later (thank goodness for digital!!) I was still no further ahead with the photo task....
control + failure.
Then add in a new emotion, the emotion of not wanting to let The Silence down. Forget the fact that I would of been OTK for not finishing the list...I didn't care at that point, and at one stage thought being OTK would be far better than struggling with something that I know how to do, but for some stupid silly reason just could not get right.
Control + failure+ anger
Cue The Silence coming home from work. I had made the effort to look nice, wearing a dress, that I seldom wear. Trying to be a presentable, nice to look at wife. The Silence noticed but said nothing.
I am fighting through a fog of emotions, coming across as being negative. The air I am moving in is like a quagmire. Struggling along trying to be 'normal'
They say you take things out on the one that is closest to you. In anger yes, but it is much easier to distance yourself from your surroundings. I held my tongue (one good thing I am slowly learning) took myself to bed at 7pm and drew deeper into the depths of self control in my own little distancing space. A space that I control. A space that lies to me and says that everything is ok.
Control + failure + anger + distancing
I don't cry. I see it as a weakness in myself. I don't care if others cry, I do not see it as a weakness in others, only in myself, and sometimes I will shed a small tear for them. I don't do the heart wrenching sobs that come from deep within. That build up into a mighty, rushing, forceful release of emotions. I don't do them. I know I don't. Or I didn't, until Wednesday night.
Control + failure + anger + distancing + .....that forceful release of emotions.
My HoH held me, while I sobbed out all the frustration and anger at myself for my failure during the day. The loss of control in my world.
Then The Silence turned me over and spanked me hard for distancing...well at least he was consistent that time
Today is Friday. It has taken that long to write to this. I am still distancing slightly. I can feel it, as I am making my way back to pre Wednesday. I want to forget about THAT day, it never happened. The lessons about myself, the giving in of emotions, I faced them on Wednesday night, and for now that is enough.
I can hear you sighing, or saying that this is not good..that it did happen, and that I need to deal with it. Yes, you are right. But right now, I just need to get out of that distancing space.
Last night The Silence noticed that I was giving the minimum hugs, and talking enough to just keep me out of trouble. I was still distancing...this is hard, as it is the way I have dealt with things for years. Now I have the added emotions that I thought were long gone and buried, bolted and padlocked away in a metal box never to be seen again.
I think TTWD has made some small rust holes in the box!
DD changes not only your marriage, but challenges your own personal life too. It makes you face who you have become. It reveals to you the emotions that you have hidden. The person you should of been all along.
I have to fight my way through this distancing, I have to forgive myself, and not see it as failure on my part, and move on.
The distancing is so hard. Each little thing that goes wrong over the last few days just seems to push me back further into it. I told The Silence that I was not distancing anymore, trying to put things right by just ignoring the feelings of being....lost. I was lying to him, and to myself. In this place I can control myself, if I step out of it....I will have to trust... and that is the hardest thing to do.
I WILL be alright. I am happy in my own way. I will work through this, like I have every other time. I am more aware of the distancing now, I can work my way back. And that brings me to a word that seems to be part of my life right now....Eventually :)