The Silence has had to go to work and come home and cook the evening meal as well. This is something that I have found hard to deal with.
And...I don't cry often. Hardly ever before we started on this journey.
Two nights ago I cried because I just did not have the energy to do dinner, and that was day five of this dam flu. The Silence came home and started doing cheese toasties just before he was due to head out the door again.
I hated it.
Not the cheese, tomato and onion toastie he made...I hated the fact that he had to do it. And I cried about it.
This flu has let my defenses down more than I would like to have them down at the moment. I feel like an emotional mess. This morning he said something to me that made me cry too. I felt offended by what he said, which by the way was really nothing to get offended over. And I cried...seriously I hate this flu!!
I didn't have any. I could not control what we were having to eat, when we were going to eat it, or control over any situation currently happening. I just don't have the energy to be bothered.
The Silence has been very lenient on the spanking side of things, and I have only had a few taps on the rear for breaking some rules. Even with that, I just lay there and let him spank. No arguing, no moving...complete surrender to his authority...
(Well, lets just say it is complete surrender to his authority and not say it is just because I don't have the energy to move)
Currently most things in the house are decided by The Silence. Have been since I first got sick on Sunday. Nothing that I would normally decide or do, has been decided or done by me.
Didn't post this yesterday, got as far as I did and then the brain went into overdrive.
The Silence, since I was feeling better this morning decided to do 'The List' sometimes I hate that list. I was feeling good, but not since doing the vacuuming. Now I will need a nap to build back up the energy it took to swing that horrible machine around the floors.
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I think what I need is a darn good spanking. There have been things that I should of been doing and have not. There are rules that I have not always remembered to obey. Just little things that I know are rules, but somehow they have been forgotten.
Yes, I have been sick. But there have been times during the day that I have remembered what I am supposed to have done, and have ignored that little voice that says
'Hey, you have not done ------. You are going to be in trouble if he finds out'
And my answer to that has been
I have neither had the energy or the submission enough to say 'oh yes, I must do that'
Hence the reason I feel like I am waiting to topple over that precipice. I put myself there, no one else has. But after a week of not being in control of anything, disobeying a few well laid out rules in an effort to control something I feel like I am heading for a meltdown on the obedient/submissive wife role.
I am still not well, and this weekend, starting tonight was meant to be a weekend of learning about obedience and submissiveness. We were going to put it off until next weekend so that I was 100% well.
I told The Silence this morning that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, and needed this weekend to get my own head back on track. Regardless of whether I am feeling well or not, this has to be done.
Before I jump and all hell breaks loose.
It has been a hard week of being..well...useless...I guess. And not in control.
Here is hoping that come Monday morning all things will be back to normal.