Friday, 8 February 2013

Cheese Toastie Revelation

I hate being sick. I don't get really sick that often which I am pleased about. This time round I have had the flu, and it has floored me more than I care to say.

The Silence has had to go to work and come home and cook the evening meal as well. This is something that I have found hard to deal with.

I am a strong woman. Even before Ttwd/Dd I would still battle on through sickness. I hated to admit defeat in any area.

And...I don't cry often. Hardly ever before we started on this journey.

Two nights ago I cried because I just did not have the energy to do dinner, and that was day five of this dam flu. The Silence came home and started doing cheese toasties just before he was due to head out the door again.

I hated it.

Not the cheese, tomato and onion toastie he made...I hated the fact that he had to do it. And I cried about it.

This flu has let my defenses down more than I would like to have them down at the moment.  I feel like an emotional mess. This morning he said something to me that made me cry too. I felt offended by what he said, which by the way was really nothing to get offended over. And I cried...seriously I hate this flu!!

I got to thinking last night about why I would cry over him having to make dinner.


I didn't have any. I could not control what we were having to eat, when we were going to eat it, or control over any situation currently happening. I just don't have the energy to be bothered.

The Silence has been very lenient on the spanking side of things, and I have only had a few taps on the rear for breaking some rules. Even with that, I just lay there and let him spank. No arguing, no moving...complete surrender to his authority...

(Well, lets just say it is complete surrender to his authority and not say it is just because I don't have the energy to move)

Anyway, back to the CONTROL issue...

Currently most things in the house are decided by The Silence. Have been since I first got sick on Sunday. Nothing that I would normally decide or do, has been decided or done by me.

Next Day:

Didn't post this yesterday, got as far as I did and then the brain went into overdrive.

The Silence, since I was feeling better this morning decided to do 'The List' sometimes I hate that list. I was feeling good, but not since doing the vacuuming. Now I will need a nap to build back up the energy it took to swing that horrible machine around the floors.

More like this....

I feel like I am standing on a precipice reading to topple over. The Silence has been rather lenient over the last week with me being sick. And I have appreciated it...sort of.

I think what I need is a darn good spanking. There have been things that I should of been doing and have not. There are rules that I have not always remembered to obey. Just little things that I know are rules, but somehow they have been forgotten.

Yes, I have been sick. But there have been times during the day that I have remembered what I am supposed to have done, and have ignored that little voice that says

'Hey, you have not done ------. You are going to be in trouble if he finds out'

And my answer to that has been


I have neither had the energy or the submission enough to say 'oh yes, I must do that'

Hence the reason I feel like I am waiting to topple over that precipice. I put myself there, no one else has. But after a week of not being in control of anything, disobeying a few well laid out rules in an effort to control something I feel like I am heading for a meltdown on the obedient/submissive wife role.

I am still not well, and this weekend, starting tonight was meant to be a weekend of learning about obedience and submissiveness. We were going to put it off until next weekend so that I was 100% well.

I told The Silence this morning that I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, and needed this weekend to get my own head back on track. Regardless of whether I am feeling well or not, this has to be done.

Before I jump and all hell breaks loose.

It has been a hard week of being..well...useless...I guess. And not in control.

Here is hoping that come Monday morning all things will be back to normal.


  1. So sorry you're still feeling unwell. The flu is no ordinary illness. It saps every part of strength and energy you have. Give yourself time to recover fully. It's not going to happen quickly.
    Sure hope you get through the week-end ok! Good luck to you both!!
    Feel better!!
    Hugs, Catrinka

  2. oh I get the not being in control of something that is usually mine. For me it was the grocery shopping. Concentrate on getting well, the rest will follow.

  3. Hope you are feeling better soon. It's so hard to get back your energy after being ill for a while.

  4. A little voice? and the word 'meh'...hmmm? You flu is transforming you into ME! You have bigger problems than you thought! lol

    I'm happy to hear you are on an upswing my friend. I miss our chats.

    Love Willie

  5. Oh Hez
    Sorry you been feeling poorly. I would say its going round, but with all of us living on different continents, I don't think it can reach lol
    Either way glad you feeling better.
    I so know that little voice. I call it my little ME, it's the one that's out to get me and I always end up spanked for listening to the little devil lol
    Hope your weekend turns out well x

  6. Sorry you're not feeling well Hez. It's strange that we don't realise what things we have control over until we are completely not in control of anything.
    That little voice in your head that was saying 'meh' about completing tasks could have been the voice of reason to make sure you don't make yourself more sick and tired than you already are. Don't be too hard on yourself when you have the flu.

    Hugs (from a distance, keep your flu to yourself :P)

  7. are being so hard on yourself! Yes, there are control issues going on here but there are also love issues. :)

    You love to take care of your family and it's hard to not be able to. And hey, did you know that vacuuming is actually a pretty serious task? It ranks up there with actual exercise. Go slow and easy please!

    Don't worry too much about the struggles with submission right now. It's all wacky and a bit out of context when we get sick. Just rest and do what you can. Lean on that silent guy who is taking such good care of you. :)

  8. Ooooh, that little control monster is a tough one. We HoHs get it too. Trying to balance control and consensual and sometimes needing a little help... it's hard! And the voices we hear aren't always just in our head lol
    Glad to hear you're on the comeback and starting to feel a little better, hope you 100% soon :)

  9. oh! I forgot to ask the important question here...
    um... what exactly is a cheese toastie? :)

  10. Aw, Hez....I am sorry you have been sick! Ttwd is hard and emotional under the best of circumstances. I was not a big crier before we started all of this either....and now I find myself crying over the dumbest time we went sledding and I bumped my head...and cried like a 5 year old...yes really! See? Don't ya feel better ;)

    Be kind to yourself...and just worry about getting better right now!

  11. I am so sorry you are sick too. It is very humbling to have hubby work and then come home to make supper! Sucks. I hope this weekend will work to help you feel more ease in being submissive, and helps reaffirm your roles. I hope you remember to get enough rest though in the process. {{{HUGS}}} Loved your vaccum pictures by the way! :)

  12. PS, at 34, I still cry if I feel sick enough... and not even sure why. I just feel that miserable. I'm sure more women are like that than we care to admit. lol

  13. So sorry that I am not answering individually. I am still rather ill, as on the Friday I started feeling better, then got sick on the Saturday morning with yet another virus.
    Many thanks for your comments, and much love and hugs to you all :)
    Will hopefully be back in the next few days

    For MrBB:

  14. lol... thank you!
    Hope you're feeling better very soon.