Remember that precipice that I mentioned a few posts ago..yeah well, jumping seems like a good idea.
Feeling at a loss...submission just is not there at all. Throwing out rope to The Silence and he just does not see it coming...and does not catch it.
Being sick for so long has taken such a toll..not just physically but mentally, on our ttwd/dd journey...for me anyway.
Last weekend was meant to be our 'Submission - you are all mine, obedience, will, body' weekend. We did start it on the Friday night, even though I was only feeling about 80% well. Saturday morning I was nil well, so that ended that weekend.
I had asked if we could do it this weekend instead..being well, but just having a cough now. But no...the answer was just that...NO. I can see his reasons why, as I guess I am only around 95% well...but that is more than last weekend...I just don't get it.
Maybe I am just being pig-headed...yeah, that would be me alright.
I have been sassy, disobedient, disregarding the rules, not because I have been intentionally doing it..it is just happening.
I should be able to stop myself..I mean, we have been doing this since October..have I learnt nothing? I am that weak minded that I cannot control myself?
Oh...Control..yes, I have taken that back too in small ways..seriously what is wrong with me? Is it just because for over two weeks there has been no reckoning?
I am throwing out the rope for him to haul me back in...I cannot seem to get there on my own. So many defences were down while I was sick...emotional defences, that have left me feeling lost, alone (even though I was not, as he was there to hold me each time) and out of sync with who I am.
I am strong, my defences do not come down easily. But I feel like I am not me..that someone else has resided in my body for the last few weeks. That they buried the strong, resilient person. Does that make sense..or am I just in a antibiotic overdrive?
I need this weekend...and he just cannot see it. I feel that I need a strong hand to haul me back, strong hands but loving arms to say that all is going to be well again. That we will get back to where we were.
I feel the need to be 'shown my place' put back...a bit like this guy I guess...
I need that firm hand and strong mind that belongs to him. I need his loving arms taking control. I need him to be tough and strong minded...no compromise..no leniency.
I want to be his...all his...mind, body, will.
And yet I keep throwing the rope and he does not catch it.....