So I have been a bit slack over the last week. 42 to 45 degree heat has not helped any with motivation or my moods.
I hate being hot and sticky and prefer the cold...at least you can put on more clothes if needed, but being a female you are expected to keep your top on with the necessary clothing underneath...unlike the male species who can strip off the top half and at least cool down somewhat that way....but I am digressing here...
I have been thinking about changes.
I have been thinking that before ttwd/dd life was....well, normal....
We went from day to day, just being us. Nothing changed. It was the same life, same thoughts, same day to day activities that brought on the same day to day feelings that you ignored and hoped that they went away.
Until you woke up in the morning and the cycle started again.
There was no growth. Nor in myself, or The Silence or in our marriage.
Were we asleep and just moving in a dream over the last 23 and a half years of marriage?
It surprises me that you can live in the same house with the same person and spend that many years, or any number of years without growth.
The only growth I think I had seen was in the growth of our children.
If I look long and hard, there would be, there must of been, some form of growth. Some form of learning to deal with issues that never really got dealt with. But that would not of been positive growth.
Now to rewind to October 2012.
Changes came and in some areas came quite swiftly. In other areas, not so quickly. Some areas we are still working on.
We started on this journey that was both frustrating, emotional, stretching and rewarding. The rewards far out numbered the emotional roller coaster. At least I can say that now...though at the time all I could see was my own frustration.
That journey, as you know, if you have followed me through the blogs was Dd....Domestic Discipline.
Right from the start there was growth. It literally was like waking from a dream...or fog of a marriage. Suddenly we are trying to be in roles within our marriage that was foreign to both of us. There was frustration and sometimes anger at each other, probably more on my part than The Silence's.
Since October 2012 we have learnt much about each other, and about ourselves. There has been growth. Positive growth.
Communication has been a big step for us, actually talking to each other, not just in passing but about things that matter. Things that pertain to our marriage and ourselves.
Communication has brought trust. Something, I am sad to say that had been lacking. I find it very difficult to trust people. I pick and choose who are my friends very, very carefully, and have a very small circle of friends that I have watched and weighed, sometimes for weeks before I have let them near.
This I have also done with The Silence.
I love him, I married him, I have lived with him for a very long time. But trust was not always there. I learnt very early on in our married life, that I could not always rely on him with my most inner thoughts, desires or emotions.
This was not his fault. He was busy trying to survive in a house that, lets face it...I ruled. I ruled it with control. I ruled it with my emotions and anger. We did it my way and no one else's way.
The more I felt lost and alone, the more I pushed for that control. A circle of emotional deceit, that I thought I should not, could not give in to.
But that has changed.
I am more open to him now. He is more open to me. Ttwd/Dd has brought about that change. Oh, I have not gone down without a fight...that is not in my nature to do so. It does not matter how much I want this, how much I know in my heart that this is good, there are areas that I still fight to control...but that will change in time.
So...Communication leads to trust....where does trust lead to?
Trust leads to a more intimate relationship. And I am not just talking about the sexual side....though I must admit, there have been changes there too :)
We hold hands when we are out. We hug each other more, talk to each other more. He calls me his 'babe' Ok...that took some getting used too...being over weight and forty something and being called 'babe'....
I look at The Silence and know, without a doubt, that I am HIS. He has my heart, (if not always my mind) my body (and I blush at that line), my life.
He has my desire to to put him as Hoh. He has my desire to be there for him. He has my desire to the wife that I should of been, but now am learning to be, that he deserves.
He has my respect, my obedience (ok working on that one) submission (um...ok working on that one too) and love...oh yes, he has that without any doubt at all.
Communication - Trust - Intimacy...and changes.
In our marriage, in ourselves, between each other.