Even when our first child was born, the house would be perfect. Nothing out of place. Everything done. Every day. While I was slowly get more and more tired.
I was driven by guilt. A by-product of my childhood.
But I would not give in. Driven, always driven. And that sense of pride when people would ask 'how do you keep your house so tidy with a baby?'
I had some people say that our house was like a showroom. It was not until recently that I thought, 'yes it was'. But it was a show room without respect and honestly, without a lot of love shown. Love felt...yes...but not really shown. But that is a different story altogether.
This one is about the revelation that I had towards the end of boot camp. One that I have had to sort through for the reasons why.
We are all driven for some reason or another. We could be driven by success, wealth, fear, family, failure, friends (lot of f's in that list) study, work....and the list could go on.
And here is a new one for you...if you are not in the same driven boat
Aye/What? is what you are currently thinking right now...yes?
How can someone be driven by Self Punishment?
Well, I am an expert...so let me share my thoughts with you.
I was brought up by my Grandmother, after my mother died when I was two and a half. Actually both Grandparents...but I say Grandmother because SHE was the Hoh,
She was old school. There was a place and a reason for everything. Don't step out over the line or out of the finely detailed circle of control. It was not safe to do so. Sometimes, even inside that circle one was not safe. And I mean not safe. It was an abusive upbringing, both physically and emotionally.
(There is a reason why I have included that little bit of info...if you read on, you might get the connection)
Before I bought/suggested DD to The Silence, I had to examine my motives.
Was I trying to re-create my childhood? Was I looking for what I had known as a child to regain some balance?
The answer to those questions was no, I was not. It took a long time to sort through it though, as I had to be absolutely sure, that it was not what I was looking for.
The reason for DD was solely for the purpose of having The Silence as Hoh, where he should be and to increase our relationship with each other. Plus of course, all the respect, love, obedience and submission that was due to him from when we first started going out together.
As I wrote above, our house was always in order. Regardless of being sick, or having just had a child, nothing was out of place.
I was driven by a need to have things right. Have things in control. My environment had to be 'just right'
The toothpaste had to be facing a certain way, the towels hanging in perfect order, the bench with nothing on it...etc...well you should be able to get the picture.
If things were not in their places, I would be driven to do even more. It was like I had failed. If the washing was not done when it was supposed to be done, I would create even more work.
Why? To punish myself for my slackness. Self Punishment.....driven by a need to be in control.
I wanted perfection...an unattainable goal, that I constantly punished myself for failing to achieve.
My whole life was a round of failure - punish - failure - punish. And those words could go on for pages and pages, but you would get bored and I would never get this down, so lets stop it there on the understanding that you know what I am talking about.
Because I am not the only one. I have seen it in others.
As a teenager I controlled my world with being a rebel. The more I got into trouble (I was kicked out of home at the age of 14) the more I felt that I needed to punish myself with destructive behaviour.
Finally, I sorted myself out. Started going to church, met The Silence and got married. I loved this man, I still do of course. But right from the start there was a need to push and punish. I had to prove myself to him....or at least that is what I was telling myself.
I would say something to him that was not nice. Then beat myself up over it, never talking to him about it. Then push myself, sometimes beyond my limits doing housework, or doing ridiculous things like walking to town in the heat of the day when I could of taken the car. Knowing that what I was doing was not good for my health.
The more The Silence loved me, the more I felt unworthy. The more I drove myself to do things. I felt I did not deserve his love. Even though I loved him and we got married, I always felt inferior, always felt the need to be better. Always felt the need to punish myself for any failure, any little thing that went wrong.
Forever self punishing for stupid things.
It was not until towards the end of boot camp that I had this revelation about self punishing.
It was the second to last day, and The Silence was being lenient (I am choosing that word instead of slacking)
I knew that I should of been corrected for certain behaviours that he had let slide. I knew that denying myself lunch, even though he had made it and I was starving, that hanging out the washing in 42 degree heat, then standing out there getting the last loads off the line was not a good idea.
I knew this.
It was while I was taking the washing of the line (and while The Silence was waiting for me to come and eat lunch) that I had the revelation that I do these stupid things because I must punish myself for any wrong doing.
It was a like a light had gone on in the darkness. I did this to make myself feel better. I pushed my own limits as a form of Self Punishment. To control the situation, to control how I was feeling.
It was here that I went inside and had lunch. A very quiet one with The Silence.
After lunch I told him about my revelation. See, this is something new...this communication thing, where I now feel free enough to talk about 'things'
This has only been since we started ttwd/dd. It is one of the best things that has happened.
I also know the reason why people say I look more relaxed and happy.
Because now, I am (most of the time) not driven by the failure - self punishment- failure - self punishment cycle. I don't need to be.
I am no longer uptight and driven by the need to control (most of the time) my environment, and no longer driven by the need to punish myself for my own failings.
This does not mean that I expect The Silence to deal with every issue that comes up. Now that I am more aware of what drives ME, I can now drive IT. I am, in one sense, in control.
Oh, not in The Silence correcting my indiscretions, but in how I now react to situations before, during and after.
Is this going to make me a better person? Will this make me more obedient? More submissive?
Lol...probably not. Because even with change, my character remains the same. And that character is the sassy sassy person, who does have an answer and a reason for everything. I can blame my Grandmother for that one trait :)
KNOWLEDGE BRINGS FREEDOM