I would like to say that Boot Camp is finished.
But it is not. We are carrying on by mutual agreement for a few more days.
I did start this blog off by writing about what we have done, how we have got on doing this intensive 'training' so to speak.
But they were just empty words, with no meaning. No feeling.
Day one was good. The ground rules were set and we went for it with no slacking off, total obedience...ok, not quite total obedience.
Then as day two and three followed things started to slip. For both of us.
The Silence started to let things slip and I started to get frustrated, angry and bratty. Oh how I hate that word bratty.
I was at a loss, feeling abandoned. That his heart was not in this, and we were just doing this as a fill in while he was on leave.
We sat down on day three and discussed by mutual agreement carrying on for another few days. I told him that I thought we needed to. That we had both been slack. So it was agreed that we would carry on until day six.
I know some of you will not agree with doing a six day boot camp...but wait, like those in-fomercials, there is more.
Day four came around with a whole new set of problems. Mainly of the 'not taking up authority as Hoh' Once again it left me thinking that this is meant to be boot camp for goodness sakes! But it was just a day like any other.
We ended up talking...communicating.
We talked about authority, being in charge, being the Head of the House, did he actually want it? Why did he keep letting things slip all the time? And I don't mean just an odd slip here and there either. I mean whole hours within boot camp that is supposed to have a 'No Tolerance' policy. We talked about his doubts, giving in and up on boot camp.
We talked about how he felt that he had failed, and that he agreed we should stop boot camp. I talked about how if he gave in now, that feeling of failure would always be there. How it would affect Dd/ttwd.
I listened as he said that he had always been the 'Mr Nice Guy' throughout his life...trying to find acceptance.
I told him he could still be that person, he is only taking up the God given authority he has in this house.
We talked a lot and agreed to continue boot camp for a few more days. Though we would have a few hours break and adjust the timetable to suit our needs instead of following it straight from the book. I also said that I would not carry on if things did not improve. That this was not an off again - on again thing.
We went through each room in the house for him to tell me that he has authority as Hoh, and expects obedience, submission and respect in each room, with me replying I accept. A verbal and physical affirmation of the lifestyle that we have chosen for us.
We reaffirmed that while on boot camp, there would be no tolerance to anything that was a rule and I broke it, or if I bucked the system in anyway.
We lasted a mere hour or so, in fact probably not even that before I was frustrated and angry again over the lack of communication, the running around in circles, travelling the same road around the same mountain and never get nearer to the top.
So I told him that this was it...there was NO MORE BOOT CAMP! I was tired of the frustration, the anger, the hurt that I felt, the talking that seemed to get us nowhere. The constant feeling of not knowing what was going to happen.
We had planned and talked, researched and written notes, wrote our own book of rules and expectations, lists of tasks, activities...we had covered everything we should of covered, all written down to help for weeks. So that we both knew exactly what we were going to be doing. And we were not doing it.
It was all a waste of time. And before someone comments and says that it is hard being an Hoh...I know that. I truly do. What I fail to understand is how someone can talk, make decisions on how things are going to be and then get up and forget all that was said.
I shake my head in wonder and frustration.
He went silent after I said that we were not doing this anymore that night, in bed. That I could not do this day to day, with the frustration building.
He was quiet for half an hour, writing in a book. Then he said that he asked for my forgiveness for not being the husband I deserve. For not being the husband who was Head of the House.
He asked for my forgiveness for trying to be nice to me all the time. For trying to please me, for letting me do things, which were rules that I broke, because he did not want me to be unhappy.
It put a whole new spin on why he struggles. Sooooo....we talked some more. Wrote a list of 'the things he needs to listen for' things like:
I don't want..
You do it
I am not
All the things I say - that I shouldn't when he asks something.
And we started all over again.
The next two days the changes came. The Silence (after writing those things on his hands) stepped up the game. Boot Camp suddenly became boot camp. The way it is supposed to be done.
I have seen a change him over the last two days. He is stronger, more aware, more able to take charge and say/do what needs to be done.
We have now, as of this morning finished boot camp. It has been an extremely hard and long week. Though it has had its fun moments too.
It has been an emotional roller-coaster for the both of us, with many learning curves that sometimes spiralled nearly out of control.
But we got there in the end.
He is taking some things from boot camp and incorporating them into our daily life:
Bedtime when he says it is...(some thing that he scoffed at, at the start of ttwd, when reading others blogs)
Have to stay in bed until 6am...(sheesh...really?)
Must eat breakfast and lunch...(eh..)
One compulsory spanking before sleep to re-affirm his role as Hoh..(I can think of a better way...)
And there was something else...but I cannot remember it :(
So we are now out the 'otherside'
Was it worth it? Was it worth all the emotional stress/frustration etc?
Yes, it was. It increased our communication. Our love for each other. Our understanding of each other. It made us both look at our roles within our marriage...and accept them too.
It gave us insight to each other that we have never had in the nearly 24 years that we have been married.
There is a change in the household...you can almost feel it.
I just hope that we never lose it.