Saturday, 12 January 2013

Day Three and Four...(and many more)

I would like to say that Boot Camp is finished.

But it is not. We are carrying on by mutual agreement for a few more days.

I did start this blog off by writing about what we have done, how we have got on doing this intensive 'training' so to speak.

But they were just empty words, with no meaning. No feeling.

Day one was good. The ground rules were set and we went for it with no slacking off, total obedience...ok, not quite total obedience.
Then as day two and three followed things started to slip. For both of us.
The Silence started to let things slip and I started to get frustrated, angry and bratty. Oh how I hate that word bratty.

I was at a loss, feeling abandoned. That his heart was not in this, and we were just doing this as a fill in while he was on leave.

We sat down on day three and discussed by mutual agreement carrying on for another few days. I told him that I thought we needed to. That we had both been slack. So it was agreed that we would carry on until day six.

I know some of you will not agree with doing a six day boot camp...but wait, like those in-fomercials, there is more.

Day four came around with a whole new set of problems. Mainly of the 'not taking up authority as Hoh' Once again it left me thinking that this is meant to be boot camp for goodness sakes! But it was just a  day like any other.

We ended up talking...communicating.

We talked about authority, being in charge, being the Head of the House, did he actually want it? Why did he keep letting things slip all the time?  And I don't mean just an odd slip here and there either. I mean whole hours within boot camp that is supposed to have a 'No Tolerance' policy. We talked about his doubts, giving in and up on boot camp.

We talked about how he felt that he had failed, and that he agreed we should stop boot camp. I talked about   how if he gave in now, that feeling of failure would always be there. How it would affect Dd/ttwd.

I listened as he said that he had always been the 'Mr Nice Guy' throughout his life...trying to find acceptance.
I told him he could still  be that person, he is only taking up the God given authority he has in this house.

We talked a lot and agreed to continue boot camp for a few more days. Though we would have a few hours break and adjust the timetable to suit our needs instead of following it straight from the book. I also said that I would not carry on if things did not improve. That this was not an off again - on again thing.

We went through each room in the house for him to tell me that he has authority as Hoh, and expects obedience, submission and respect in each room, with me replying I accept. A verbal and physical affirmation of the lifestyle that we have chosen for us.

We reaffirmed that while on boot camp, there would be no tolerance to anything that was a rule and I broke it, or if I bucked the system in anyway.

We lasted a mere hour or so,  in fact probably not even that before I was frustrated and angry again over the lack of communication, the running around in circles, travelling the same road around the same mountain and never get nearer to the top.

So I told him that this was it...there was NO MORE BOOT CAMP! I was tired of the frustration, the anger, the hurt that I felt, the talking that seemed to get us nowhere. The constant feeling of not knowing what was going to happen.

We had planned and talked, researched and written notes, wrote our own book of rules and expectations, lists of tasks, activities...we had covered everything we should of covered, all written down to help for weeks. So that we both knew exactly what we were going to be doing. And we were not doing it.

It was all a waste of time. And before someone comments and says that it is hard being an Hoh...I know that. I truly do. What I fail to understand is how someone can talk, make decisions on how things are going to be and then get up and forget all that was said.

I shake my head in wonder and frustration.

He went silent after I said that we were not doing this anymore that night, in bed. That I could not do this day to day, with the frustration building.

He was quiet for half an hour, writing in a book. Then he said that he asked for my forgiveness for not being the husband I deserve. For not being the husband who was Head of the House.

He asked for my forgiveness for trying to be nice to me all the time. For trying to please me, for letting me do  things, which were rules that I broke, because he did not want me to be unhappy.

It put a whole new spin on why he struggles. Sooooo....we talked some more. Wrote a list of  'the things he needs to listen for' things like:

I don't want..
You do it
You can
I am not

All the things I say - that I shouldn't when he asks something.

And we started all over again.

The next two days the changes came. The Silence (after writing those things on his hands) stepped up the game. Boot Camp suddenly became boot camp. The way it is supposed to be done.

I have seen a change him over the last two days. He is stronger, more aware, more able to take charge and say/do what needs to be done.

We have now, as of this morning finished boot camp. It has been an extremely hard and long week. Though it has had its fun moments too.

It has been an emotional roller-coaster for the both of us, with many learning curves that sometimes spiralled nearly out of control.

But we got there in the end.

He is taking some things from boot camp and incorporating them into our daily life:

Bedtime when he says it is...(some thing that he scoffed at, at the start of ttwd, when reading others blogs)
Have to stay in bed until 6am...(sheesh...really?)
Must eat breakfast and lunch...(eh..)
One compulsory spanking before sleep to re-affirm his role as Hoh..(I can think of a better way...)

And there was something else...but I cannot remember it :(

So we are now out the 'otherside'

Was it worth it? Was it worth all the emotional stress/frustration etc?

Yes, it was. It increased our communication. Our love for each other. Our understanding of each other. It made us both look at our roles within our marriage...and accept them too.
It gave us insight to each other that we have never had in the nearly 24 years that we have been married.

There is a change in the can almost feel it.

I just hope that we never lose it.


  1. Well I for one am very happy that you are 'back'!

    May you hold on to the benefits you found in your boot camp.


    1. Glad to be back myself :) In some areas I think we will hang onto the benefits that we learned in boot camp. Now that we are more aware of 'mistakes' that we both make, and more aware of how each of us views things.

      Hugs Willie

  2. So glad you came through it better!!!

    I think that same thing. We have only been
    Artie's almost 7, but the first few were not like now. It's so much better now. Ttwd has made such a difference!


    1. Hi Elle

      Yes we did come through it better, which I am glad about. Ttwd has made a real difference to us :)


  3. Why, why, you force him to do anything that is not natural to him? And then just criticize him, to the tinte is that you want. He does everything for you to make you happy. Yet it is not enough. There will never be enough for some men, is if it is not what they want.
    Who is HOH in your house?
    You are happy. It's good.
    Is he happy??

    1. Anonymous,

      It was a mutual agreement that we do this...eventually. He was not 'forced' to do anything, and it was he that said we were doing boot camp. That was not my decision.
      We did it as he felt that he needed to 'step' up. Our talks during the boot camp were based on what we both saw needed to change. Yes, he is a quiet man and does struggle, or used too, with being the Hoh. Yes, he does want this for himself, it was one of the questions that I asked him during boot camp to make sure that he was not feeling that he was doing it to please me. It is something that he wants, for himself. There have been times when I have wanted to stop ttwd, and he has said no, we are not. That also has been his I ask you...does that sound like I am forcing him?
      It is enough that he makes me happy. And a lot of the communication that we had during boot camp let us know what and how we felt about things. It was a time of being honest with each other about how we felt.
      Yes, he is happy. HE has said so. HE can see the changes it has made to our relationship. He is the one who wants to carry it on. He is the one that asked me to to tell him when HE missed things.
      There was nothing but encouragement and support from me during this time. I am sorry that it seems it comes across as perhaps not being that way.
      The suggestion that we carried on based on the feeling of failure was to ensure that he did not give up, and then mentally beat himself up over it... as a tendency that he has. I did not want him to feel like a failure...where is the wrong in that?

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. This comment was deleted as it was the same as the one above, but posted twice.

  5. This made such sense to me. Communication is very difficult, even when you are in love and when you are talking things through.
    I love how you describe both of you doing all the right things, talking everything through and then absolutely nothing changing. I have been there and done that.
    When the change comes, it comes just as you say, from the heart because you (both) feel it.
    The journey is worth it.

    1. Hi Abby,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment :) Communication is very difficult, you are right.
      The change did come and the journey is worth it. Every step forward, and every step backwards :)

  6. Being a HoH is indeed not easy. Doing what your wife wants you to do is a balancing act when she gives conflicting signals. When making her happy looks like juggling and hard work.
    It must be learned and that does take more than a few days.
    Glad, you both came through better.

    1. Bas,

      I know that it is not easy. I have seen him struggle with it. We both have. As far as doing what I want if you are talking about the rules and stepping up...he asked me too tell him when he missed things. As far as doing what I want...I have repeatedly told him that he does not need too. That I will follow what ever decision he makes. Yes, I might buck the system, that unfortunately is the way I am wired. I have given him support in all areas. What I write here is a record of our journey, my feelings..not his.
      I know it has to be learned, but my point here is that telling him where he missed or where I felt he went wrong...he asked for, because he wanted to know.

      I am glad that we came through it better too. Eventually we did, and that is only because we talked about the problems that he was having with 'hearing and listening' to what was being said at the time.
      We both grew through this, and for that I am thankful.

  7. I have been reading your posts since you brought up Boot Camp, and so glad to see how much it helped by the end. It is so great you guys stuck with it until you found the way it would work for you. My husband and I will do our first bootcamp in the next month or so, I'm nervous, but seeing you guys perservere gives me hope that I can communicate with my husband too and find a flow that will work for us. Thank you so much for sharing. I learned a lot, and it seems like my husband is a lot like yours, and so I know a bit better how to talk to him when we do do it, just admitting what I need, and things I should and shouldn't be allowed to say. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Morning Es May,

    Thank you for commenting :)

    I am glad that it has helped someone Es May. We went into this thinking, even after reading how hard it was, 'How hard could it be'. The answer to that is .... extremely hard. For both of you. In our one, The Silence had absolute control over everything, and I mean everything that goes on in day to day living.
    The loss of control in all areas is overwhelming the first few days. If you are like me, you will struggle and so will your husband.

    But it is worth it when you come out the otherside :)

    Communication is the key. Even though the Hoh is in absolute control, make sure the lines of communication are wide open..and persevere...just hope you don't have to extend the days like we did!

    Many wishes and prayers for your success in boot camp :)

  9. Thank you so much! :) I will quote that line to myself during the hard times. "It is worth it when you come out the otherside." I am nervous, but I know it will be the best for our marriage.