Caves, Control and Giving In

So this is going to be a ramble, and probably all over the place.

First off...you can all take back the Distancing Dixies or whatever you like to call those things, that moved into my house over the last few weeks. There is no room for them here, as my own got really out of hand having all these others around to keep it company.

I have a place that used to be thought of as a safe haven...The Distancing Cave. It is the place I go to when things get to much, or emotions that I do not want to deal with arise.

It really is, just a cave of denial.

I have no idea what has gone on in this head of mine over the last few weeks. I have certainly not, regardless of what I have written, been in the submissive frame of mind. Though I believe everything I have posted about and commented on. Regardless of how I was/am feeling. Sheesh...this gets really confusing....

I don't think I was even in ttwd/dd frame of mind. My behaviour has somewhat been lacking in anything to do with it.

That is until last night. (now two nights ago..been a bit slow working on this post)

Yesterday was just a build up of one thing after another. A lot of missed things by The Silence, some things said to his face that was just not picked up on. A build up frustration for the both of us.

That frustration, because of lack of communication led to many hours of ..well, not sure what to call it...it was not arguing, or discussion...more like WW3 but on a quiet level. But the anger was there, for both of us. Just quietly raged...more from me than from The Silence.

I cannot even pinpoint where it all went belly up... I have no idea.

I do know that I ended up in the deepest part of that Distancing Cave. So deep, I have never been there before. The journey there had started a few weeks back, and even then I have no idea why or how.

Sometime during the later part of the evening I told him that this was the end of it for us..not just ttwd. But for us.

There was no point in trying ttwd, I was not worth it, was useless at it, and that if he wanted to carry it on, then he was doing so by himself.

We now have another word added to the D list. A word that is to never, EVER be mentioned again in this house. I am not even going to type it here, I will let you figure it out for yourselves, while I hang my head in shame that I even went as far to say that word.

I love this man of mine..why would I even say such a thing?

Everytime over the last few weeks that I have been spanked or sent to CT I have gone a little further into that cave. Even spanking which normally gets me out of it had not been working. Though The Silence had no idea that is was even happening.

Fake it until you make it..does not work for me in ttwd.

Oh, I faked it alright.  To the point that my husband had no idea, and that all of this bowled him over last night. It came out of the blue like a bolt of lightening.

I ended OTK.  I was angry. He held me down and spanked and everytime I thought he had finished and went to get up he told me to hold still and that he had not finished. He was not really angry, just disappointed, told me we were not giving up, I was worth it, our marriage was worth it. We were worth it.

It went for ages. Alternating between hand and  Mr Glue.

And still at the end of it I was still stuck in the cave. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. No one coming with a torch to show me the way out. I struggled to find a way, and instead found...nothing.

We talked (you know, that word...communication) and talked, and talked. We found out things about each other that we never knew...not in the nearly 24 years of marriage.

And still I was in that cave.

This led of course to yet another 'session'. It was this one that finally got me near enough close to come out. Not completely, still not there, on the outside. I will be though.

Things will come right. I am closer now to the entrance than I was yesterday.

Though it is so easy to back into the darkness again. I have to be really careful right now that I don't walk backwards.
We are doing this. We are going to get through. We are not giving up.

That choice is no longer mine. We are in this because The Silence believes that is HAS changed us. It has caused improvement in our relationship, in ourselves. And I know this, I really, really know this...then why is this so hard? Why am I in that cave? Why the struggle?

Sometimes, I think that the struggle that goes on within me is not worth fighting for. That life before ttwd was easier.

The Silence's answer to that is because 'You had all the control, now you have none'. Yes, he is perhaps right..alright...he is right.

I have spent my life having to control most of it. Having to control situations, mostly for my own protection (never in our married life though, this is before we got married) while growing up. I have lived with this control, it is a part of me, a huge part. It is how I made it through childhood, that which I could not control I built walls around, put it in boxes, tucked it away and denied it was there.

Emotions that have long been buried have come to the surface. Emotions that I have controlled and denied seem to appear at random times since starting ttwd/dd.

I guess it comes back to the post I did about dying to self. And trusting. Trusting that he is not going to be like other people in my life, trusting that he is in this, because he believes in it, trusting that he loves me, trusting that he is mine and I am his...forever.

Things will go belly up again...I know they will. We are not perfect. Something that I tend to forget. I look for perfection in myself.

Not in others. They are 'allowed' to not be perfect.

We will get through this. The Silence loves me, he has proved this time and time again. Now, I just have to learn to let go, give in and trust.