Friday, 28 December 2012

The Missing Piece

It has been raining all night. A rain that has washed away the mugginess, dust and given the garden a good watering.

I feel like the rain has also washed away the dust and fogginess from my own brain too. There is something about the rain that does that.
The heat just brings with it a feeling of being in a vacuum that sucks you dry, unable to think or function.

This morning I have woken up to a washed world, a washed mind. Things are clearer, because I am out of that vacuum and can finally think straight.

It does not mean that any of this is going to make sense :)

On the 12 December I posted a blog about 'Chernobyl Meltdown.....'  in it I mentioned that I felt there was now something missing. That feeling has never gone away.

Though the connection is still there, there seems to be a gap. It was this morning that things fell into place.

People talk about 'Heart knowledge versus head knowledge'.

How it is often the head that gets it first, then the heart.

This is only my opinion, and based on my own thoughts from this morning, that in ttwd it is the opposite.

The heart knowledge is there. I want this. I want The Silence to be in the place he is supposed to be. I want him 'in charge'. I want him as the Hoh. I want him in control of our marriage for the good and, dynamics of our household.  I want to be obedient and submissive. My heart jumps at those thoughts, because I love this man of mine, and want him to be in the place that he should of been right from the start.

I want all this, but my head does not. Confused?

(Might be time to make a drink, come back, and be confused some more...)

It is my head that is the problem. It is my own emotions, rebelliousness, wanting to still be in control that confuses me. If the heart knowledge is there, then so should be the head knowledge...right?


Whatever is going on, HE is the pre-determined winner.  It does not matter whether we have discussed the issue or not, and he has taken my point of view into consideration, the ultimate decision is his. Sometimes it is what I want, sometimes it is what he wants.

I can be in front of this man of mine, and while my heart is singing his praises, feeling a deep love and respect for him, my mind is battling with control issues, disrespect...well, you all know the list...

Since the 12th December when I said that we would not be doing this anymore, that this was all over, I have been struggling through each day.

And there is the missing part, that I talked about from that night. The part that I have kept as part of my own life for so long...control. I had to give up a very large part of control that night. This is a consensual agreement. I could of kept to my argument, and we would not be doing this anymore. Except, I did want this, in my heart I was afraid that he would walk away, in my heart I wanted him to step up, even while my mind was saying 'you are now in control' and while I did not like being back in that place of control, knowing that whatever I said, the decision was ultimately mine, my mind was fighting against my heart knowledge. 

While my heart wants this, my mind struggles. It is like a battle that cannot be won, because the heart will always win out in the end. Eventually.

What begins, when you first start searching and thinking about ttwd, as head knowledge, quickly becomes heart knowledge, then the two become in conflict with each other.

The heart knowledge remains, while the head is fighting against losing, or giving over that control.

I still control situations (well, try too).

I wanted this. Ttwd has made a huge impact on our lives, our marriage. We can go nowhere but forward in it. Though there are times when things are just overwhelmingly hard, frustrating and the submission and obedience is just not there, it is all worth it.

It is now a few days later, and I am sitting here doing the virtual banging the head on the wall. Frustrated beyond measure.  Last Saturday was 'Boss Day.'
The first day of The Silence's five week break from work, a day that we decided we would lay the ground rules out yet again, he would step up while I stepped down.  And it worked.

For all of that day.

So for the last, almost six days, ttwd has almost been forgotten. The more he has not stepped up, the more I have taken the reins. The more sassy I have got. Deliberately not doing the list, because...well...why? If he is not stepping up..then what is the point?

Ok, granted the last week has been a week of stress for everyone. We had a temporary boarder, that turned out to be more problematic that any of our other waifs and strays. My stress levels were near the roof, while still trying to maintain the obedient, submissive wife attitude.

And, granted, The Silence saw this, and let things slide. and slide. and slide. and slide. and slide...

And he let things slide because sleep is over - rated and I have been getting a lot less than my normal 3 to 4 hours each night.

So should I be thankful. But oh crap...I am not.

Why? I can hear you ask...          

Because, regardless of the situation, my heart is still in this. My mind is not.

The last six days have been nothing but The Silence handing me back control left, right and centre.

While at times my heart is left wondering 'Does he really want this lifestyle?'
He keeps saying he does.
I keep bucking the rules. He keeps handing back control.

Last night I got a spanking..almost a half hearted attempt to put things right. Oh I know that he is trying. I really, really do. And so am I. I know that it might not look like it on some days, but I am.

I fight a daily battle between the heart and head. Most days now the heart wins out. Except for the last six days.

This morning he wrote on the list to make the bed. My answer to that was:

"You slept in it, you make it"

And I got the look. That is all, just a look. A few weeks ago it would of been OTK or CT.

I did make the bed.

I don't know where I stand anymore. I cannot keep handing out rope in the form of information and support, enough rope, on some days to hang myself with.

I am tired. I feel like I am carrying the both of us in this journey. Each day is different from the day before, and I never know where I am putting a foot wrong or not. Whether there could be correction when my mouth runs away or whether it is going to slide.

I am confused.

This post started out as a learning curve for me.

I also know that it is not easy for The Silence. He does not like to 'show me the error of my ways'. Sometimes he feels that it is unfair, other times, he has to fight his own internal battles about spanking or other forms of 'correction'. I watch him struggle, as I struggle myself to hand over is not easy for anyone.

The heart knowledge is still alive and well, and the head knowledge is still fighting the battle to retain control.
But I cannot do this by myself. I need the man to be consistent. to step up when needed, or I will be fighting a losing battle, both within myself and ttwd.

PS. I do understand that he has his struggles too...I really wish he would blog, this helps so much :)


  1. Well I know for a fact, that as I am reading your blog you are reading mine. Are you as entertained as I was? Seriously an entire hemisphere apart and yet we could be in the same house.

    I can't speak to Silence's mindset, but I suppose that you trying to be submissive is the only way he can take back the controls.

    I said on Stormy's blog that I have to be in the right Heartset, not mindset in order to be submissive, but the way you explain it makes sense too. My heart wants this, my mind knows it works, but there are days where my mind actually pushes my heart aside. Like my heart needs to lift weights so the 'bullying' mind stops kicking sand in its face at Submission Beach

    We'll get through this together. If the desire is there there is a way. I suppose it is our turn for baby steps back to submission.

    Barney just finished reading my blog, I'll let you know if he has anything to add that might help shed some light on your situation too.

    Much Love My Friend

  2. Was wondering about that extra shadow in our house over the last was you!

    My heart is in the right place..just not the head on some days.

    Yes, baby steps, all the way back :)

    Hugs Willie

  3. If The Silence is anything at all like me, he won't want to be "stepping up" constantly.

    1. Hi Malcolm

      In this case it was almost 6 days of not stepping up. Which left me feeling a little lost and wondering if we were still living ttwd :)

  4. I think The Silence is just like any other HoH . He wants to be followed, he does not want to compete for first place.
    I have said this before, but In my opinion TTWD starts at the submissive side. Only in the Stone age this may have been different.
    It doesn't work when the submissive hands over pieces of control to the HoH just to see if he can handle that, and then takes the control back to do it better.
    Most HoH's that I know of, are a bit insecure. They have this habit of leading and then asking if you want to improve on what they did.
    If you give in to that temptation, leading becomes a kind of permanent exam for the HoH. No HoH can really function that way.
    And he'll wait for his time to come.

    1. Hi Bas,

      Yes you are right. And I have come to that realization today, that I need to stop competing for first place, and start thinking before I do or say things. I do need to start deferring to him more.
      He did say that he finds it hard at the moment too, because he is in holiday mode, and is only just realising that ttwd does not go on holiday.
      Thank you for your valued input and advice. It has made me stop and think.

      Thanks Bas :)

  5. It's a tough struggle, I have it here all the time. I think I want it, but then I don't... I push and sometimes he gives in and I take control again for a bit.
    Then things slide, and slide some more and I get even more confidant and take over a bit more slowly... He has his things and I push for more.

    He does step in at times, but I think Bas is right on the spot with the whole idea of the submissive only handing over pieces of control... in fact, He is right about it all. I still feel like no matter what, I try topping from the bottom and I need to just find my submission for His sake.
    It's really full of ups and downs, and it goes both ways, for us and for the HOHs.

    Baby steps for sure and it's really quite a head game isn't it?

    1. Hi Emi,

      It is a tough sometimes. Feels like you are in a whirlwind of emotions of wanting and pushing.

      You are right we need to find our submission and work on that. Silly isn't it, that we ask for this and then fight it...

      Bas's advice is right on the spot I think too.

      And yes, it really is a head game :(

  6. I'm not in a dd dynamic but it seems to me that most men want to please their wives and will do whatever seems to work best to keep peace. If you're leading and doing a good job he probably doesn't want to upset things even if he likes it when you do step back and let him lead. I think that most of the time we just have to get our of our own way and that is a hard thing to do when you know you are right. (LOL, now you know why we're not dd).

    1. Hi Sunnygirl,

      I would rather him lead, as that is where I feel that he should be. When I lead, it is not always a good thing, as it is often in frustration and anger :(

      You are right, we often feel that we are right, and have to get out of our own way and let them lead :)

  7. Hugs M3. :(
    Maybe you need a heart to heart?
    Also, I just realized today that I wasn't 'following' you! Lol, so now I am officially, lol :)

    1. Hi Elle

      Thanks for the hugs :)

      We did end up having a talk about things, and it came out that he is in holiday mode and struggling to think that ttwd does not go on holiday!

      Oh well eventually all will get sorted out in the end, and I will be the perfect wife :)

      I have been following some blogs privately, but I have to change that on some :)

      Hugs right back at you Elle :)