I want my middle name to be 'Submissive Obedient'.
I want to be the perfect wife in an imperfect world - eventually.
But you see, I am human. I am a rebel. I don't have a submissive bone in my body. What I want and what I often do, are two very very different things.
So the word 'eventually' will probably never...well, eventuate.
I want The Silence to come home to a smiling wife, dressed nicely, dinner on the table, the house clean and tidy like his castle should be.
But yes...one has to face reality.
The wife might be smiling and dressed nicely. Dinner is likely to be on the table. The house is not likely to be clean and sparkling. The animals will be tearing up the hallway, the dog will be running around the backyard, there will be bills on the bench waiting to be paid, the 'task' list would have hopefully been completed, the health diary...well, maybe a few tweaks before he gets home.... and the birds will be screeching.
Yep, welcome home darling.
It is not easy being an obedient/submissive wife. The will can be there, but sometimes (most times) the mind takes over along with the mouth. This leads to trouble. Sometimes BIG trouble.
I have asked The Silence to be tougher, to step up more. Just to try and get a grip on things that just keep repeating themselves. I know this is a learning process, and that some things do and will take time. Impatience would be one of those things.
It is not easy knowing that you really need a tougher hand. Not easy knowing that you really are a rebel in submissive/obedient disguise.
And I know I fight him on most things. The Rules, The Task List, Corner Time etc. It is not in my nature to go meekly where no man has gone before...well, ok, where most wives go. (sorry, far to much syfi)
And he gets frustrated because I do fight him on things. I get frustrated because he should be noticing more, stepping up more, taking a firmer hand. And yet I still buck the boundaries. So dumb.
My weaknesses and strengths are what make me who I am. My past has shaped my character, and in some ways, that is not a good thing.
I know that I buck the 'system' because of who I am. Who I let myself become.
And that is what I want to change. With change, comes responsibility to uphold what you have set out to do. To build on your relationship, to work on being the wonderful wife, to have that marriage that you need and want. To have your husband as the HoH, where he should of been in the first place. In some cases, all those years ago.
For both of you, you want this. And it is so hard.
I have great intentions everyday. Everyday I say to myself 'today is going to be a great day. I WILL control my mouth, my attitude, my respectful nature etc. And everyday, I muck up in one way or another.
Take this morning for instance: 2 x 5 minute corner times, 5 mins apart. I mean seriously, 2 within 15 minutes...why, well, my mouth. AND The Silence had only been out of bed for 20 minutes!!!!
Some days it gets tiring. For me and The Silence.
Regardless, you have to hang in there. One day, it will change.
The Silence pointed out last night that only a 1% increase in change per day would make 365% increase in behaviour in a calendar year. More with compound interest. (whatever that is when you are talking about behaviour).
Ok, so you have to be able to get that 1% change daily. Without stuffing up on any day during that year. Yep, thinking it is impossible....at this stage anyway. As even the simplest of changes, I am struggling with.
Texting is another problem. Like the one I just sent without thinking. Well I did think about it. I thought about what I was writing, then sent it.
So what I didn't think about was the 'texting tone' of the text. It was not a nice tone. So why did I send it? See, another dumb idea not thought through. And such is my life at the moment.
A new rule for me: Engage brain before sending a text to The Silence.
Well, I think that is my rambles for today. Hugs :)