MADE IT!!!

I have made it!! Two days without the major over the bed spanking!!!! I am not counting Mondays one, as that was a carry over from Sunday.

That is two whole days!

Ok, so that does not count the quick swats for back chatting, or the OTK for minor distancing...I was still talking to him, from behind a pillow...so really it doesn't count as a major stuff up :)

The most surprising thing was, is that The Silence picked up on it. Immediately. It was a bit of a shock when he asked 'Are you distancing behind there?' This man of mine is a fast learner.

Oh, and I have said NO several times, but that earned me just a few pats OTK. Actually, slightly more than a few.

And...oh dear, this is sounding worse and worse as I sit here and type. Here I was thinking how wonderful I have been, when in reality, I have a feeling I have been getting away with more than I should have been :(

Right now I should be cleaning the ceiling fans as punishment for not getting out of bed and doing a 10 min stint in CT last night.

Seriously, who thought I had to get out of bed to do that when the night before I did it face down, arms on head, laying in bed....where I promptly fell asleep. Hence the reason why I was supposed to get out of bed to do it last night.  He did say to get out of bed to do it, I thought I had a choice, so I stayed in bed, and went to sleep :(

And he is still doing the silent counting (three times apparently).

Have you started yet?

Yes.

When you get to 8, do you start counting in halves and quarters?

No.

Well that is not fair!

I have finished counting.

Want to start again?

No, and you have ran out of time.

(thinking in my head...'Well, la de da, I am not a mind reader'!)

Can we start again?

I have  (such a patient man)

What number are you up to now?

8.

What? Already? But you have only just started! How fast do you count?

No, I started while you were still talking and you have once again ran out of time

How much CT have I done so far while I have been laying here quiet?

4 minutes. 

Is that all! Well, that means I only have 6 minutes left then. Have you started counting again?

Yes, and no, you have 10 mins left

Well, anyway you get the drift of the matter. Needless to say, if the daughter was not home, then I probably maybe, would of got a OTK goodnight butt kiss with his hand.

So, for obvious reasons, I have a punishment task to do...clean the ceiling fans.

There are only three fans, no biggy really.  (I tell you, by the end of this month our house will be able to win the cleanest house in the country award). Three, not much at all, maybe 30 mins work.
Then why are my toes dug into the floor boards, with that ever familiar rebellious feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach?
He has not added the normal things to The List, the everyday type of cleaning. Just the punishment one. So it is not as if it is extra work, if anything, I should be grateful that he has been so lenient.

I think I was born with this over rebellious/want to be in control trait. I think it probably starting growing the night I was conceived. There was a raging storm the morning I was born, so maybe that is to blame......
I know...I am trying to make excuses.

I want to be submissive, I want this DD lifestyle, so if that is the case, then why don't I just suck it up and get on with it?

Why is it so hard to keep the mouth shut and not bite back, or to do what is asked of me, or do the punishment tasks.

I do, do the tasks (including the punishment tasks) out of obedience to The Silence. They do get done, before he gets home, three hours before the deadline. So if I know that I am going to do them, why do I put myself through all this and not just get on with it?

Sometimes, human nature is such a complex web of emotions and sassy sassy sassy toes :(

All this aside, last night was a wonderful night where we just spent time together. The Silence did not walk away from me when my attitude started to suck. Whereas once a upon at time he would have, or I would have, and it would of left me angry and bitter inside and him hurt and wondering where he had gone wrong.
I love this man,. I love the way he took control, and we ended up with a fantastic evening together (other than the few swats on the butt to get his point across)
It was a time of loving, caring and being ourselves without ...without what? I don't know, it was just different, and amazing having that time together.

If this is what DD does, then I never, ever want to go back to the way it was before. EVER.

I might fight the rules and still backchat, be disrespectful when I should not be, be rebellious and still want to be in control, but right now, I would rather have the spankings and punishment tasks than to just go on from day to day the way we used too.

And lets face it...I am changing, slowly, but surely changing for the better. I must be, as I have gone two days without OTB time for anything major. Last week I was beginning to despair of that ever happening in this lifetime. So long as The Silence stays consistent, I should learn. Eventually.

Now I am going to clean the ceiling fans.

May your day be blessed and spank free :)

I own it...

I own it and I will take it like a woman!

'Can't we rethink this? An alternative punishment perhaps? You are not using that are you? You look so tired, maybe we can do this tomorrow? No? Are you sure? Ow owowow, no no no, stop, are we finished yet? no, stop.
Yep, just like that.  (no offence intended to anyone by the way)

Sitting rather gently at the moment after Sunday nights big slip up (now 1am on Tuesday morning, but once again had to wait for the girl to go out so we could 'administer the appropriate punishment' on Monday night, which was only a few hours ago)

Not a good idea to challenge The Silence's authority in front of your teenage daughter. Nope, not a good idea at all.(Cue Jaws music here) Not a good idea to be so peeved that you ignore him when he wants a cuddle, and you go to sleep after he says 'Ok that's fine' Because it is going to come back and bite you on the butt. (just like Jaws) He is not letting you off, he is just biding his time, because it is really late and he is tired. Not a good idea to call him a whinger, or a pussy (again...sigh), or to hit him with a pillow at the end of the 'time over the bed' or to snatch your PJ bottoms and storm off to the car either.  Or lose it a zillion times in the 11 minute ride to the pick up point for your teenage daughter.

Oh, or forget to complete 'The List'  which I am still waiting to find out the punishment for as The Silence decided that we would do an alternative punishment for that one. Doing this blog now, just in case I end up with no internet or laptop.

I put all this down here...and own it all. My fault entirely. Why is it that it is my mouth that just keeps getting me into trouble? Why is it that those sassy sassy sassy toes just keep on wiggling?

Why is it that The Silence took a page from someone else's blog and did what her husband does with the count up to ten...or else? AND he did it silently too,while I was standing in front of him asking him to tell me when he was going to start, so that I had time to think about it, and hand over what he wanted.
He was finished counting while I was still waiting for him to start...sigh...

Those silly endorphins too. They cause trouble. A whole lot of it.

When I am tired they seem to kick in. In droves. Invading my body, making me feel really good, like I could save the world. I become an untouchable....every part of me, except my butt.

I have a love/hate relationship with those endorphins.

But I am happy. Really, I am. I am happy, because slowly, just ever so slowly I am learning.

'With knowledge comes obedience' that is what I got from my Bible reading this morning. And it is true.
The Silence and I are communicating more than I think we ever had.

He first named the incident in front of our daughter as disrespect..and yes it was. But it was not until he said it challenged his authority did it actually sink in. Challenging his authority has been such a big issue since the day we got married. It really has meant nothing to me at all, until we started this DD lifestyle. Then when he said on Sunday night that I 'had challenged his authority in front of our daughter' my heart sank. It meant something finally. It meant that I had hurt him, that I didn't think he was capable. So yes, I own it...fair and square.

'With knowledge comes obedience' I can now stop, think and look at what I am saying in a situation where I could possibly be challenging that authority. I can learn from this (hopefully not too slowly) and we can move on.

I could type a whole heap more, not even sure that any of this makes sense as it is now 2am, and I should be in bed.

Going to be thinking more about the authority. Will have to store it in a box, in my mind, to take out and examine bit by bit, until I understand it completely. But for now, I will settle for sleep. The box is currently open, and it will still be that way when I wake in the morning.

Ramblings

I have called this post Ramblings, because that is probably all this is going to be. It is possibly all I can manage this early in the morning.

Sleep has always been an issue. Four hours at the most nearly every night, sometimes less than that. So by the time everyone else is up and ready to face the day, I am thinking dinner and bed, and that is only at 6.30am! So I guess blogging is something constructive to do to start the day.

Along with my daily Bible Reading and THAT Health Diary.

Still struggling with the Health Diary. The Bible Reading is going well, and no longer dig my toes in about that one. Some days it can be quite interesting.

Back to the Health Diary.
I never realised just how much I don't eat! I am a big person, bigger in weight than I should be for my size, so where is all that extra storage coming from?
I hate that Health Diary. I see the reason why The Silence wants it. But all it is showing me is how really, I don't take good care of myself.  Well, at least it has had its purpose then.

There are some days that I wish I could sit down and have a coffee with someone who also lives this lifestyle. Someone tangible, someone to pat your arm and say it is all going to be ok, have a chat and a laugh about some silly thing you did, commiserate with each other over the consequences of doing that silly thing. Go shopping....yeah, maybe not that one.

According to The Silence I had a 'melt down' on Thursday night over the back door (previous posts). I thought it was a slight warming up, not a melt down. But apparently it was. Though I did not yell, I certainly had a raised voice. Well yes...I did. But it was not a melt down. Well, ok, maybe it was. I thought I did so well. Took myself off to bed to stew sleep..oh wait. That is distancing. And because our daughter did not go out last night, Thursdays meltdown and distancing accountability had to be put off to be dealt with today. Along side last nights verbal slip ups.
I tell you, it is not a good idea to say 'whatever' to the HOH when he is talking about one of the D's....um, Disrespect I think it was at the time.

I have a dairy all these 'misdemeanour's' are written in. The Silence has a phone app. There is a list there with my name on it, that he add 'things' to. I feel so special :)

He suggested a short walk last night. What he considers to be a short walk is actually a long one. I don't care what he says, 45 mins is a long time! Anything over 15 mins is a long time. Tis ok, though. I managed to turn us around somehow and head in the right direction of home, only because I thought he might of got lost on that long straight stretch of road from our house to his intended destination. This of course, will only work once. He might be a bit wiser next time.
Actually it was not that bad. It was a nice evening for a hike stroll. When we got back I told our daughter that if her Dad ever suggested a short walk, pack a lunch. She will need it.
It did give us a chance to talk without being over heard by teenage radar.

Well I guess I have rambled enough. Dawn has snuck quietly over the house, darkness has been pushed back. The birds are singing, the frogs are still chirping away in the garden, a last minute ditch to attract a mate before the sun rises. Hmmm, maybe I could go and chirp outside our bedroom door....no, not a good idea. The Silence is not a morning person at all.

Under the Mountain

There is a calm acceptance this morning.

There is no anger left. I have had many hours thinking things...

I feel like I am under a mountain, and each day, a small part of the mountain is chipped away.

It is going to take awhile as there are only small chips falling. With each small chip that falls, there is just that more submissive feeling, moving from head to heart.  More willingness, more acceptance.

Once the silence that surrounded me protected me from hurts. Now I am waiting for The Silence to keep chipping, to find me, under the mountain, waiting and willing to be the person I should be to him.

It is hard for The Silence too. He is the one that has to swing that which brings each chip down off the mountain. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am able to chip away from the inside.

But then the space I have created gets clogged with little chips, which have nowhere to go. I stumble over them. Fight them to move them. Some days there is no room to move, and in frustration I bang my heart and soul on those stupid little chips that just won’t move.

The Silence hears me, but does not understand.

The space that I control is so very small, it is warm in here, dark and safe. Sometimes there is light, just a tiny speck that calls me forward, I reach out but trust quickly disappears. The light is suddenly blocked by another chip that has fallen.

Sometimes the chips just disappear, I have no idea to where. This leaves more room to move, and more room to make mistakes. More room for more chips to clog the way.  It seems never ending. I chip from the inside, The Silence chips from the outside, eventually we will meet and he will be able to take my hand and lead me out.

It is a very big mountain, it is going to take a very long time. 

Anger and Distancing :(

I am angry.
Angry that he is now asleep, and I am awake. Angry that he did not step on the distancing when I first went to bed. Angry that now he says it will be dealt with in the morning, when I said into the darkness that I was sorry. Maybe he realised I wasn't, but I wanted to be the submissive wife, let him know that I was sorry, that I was trying. That I was trying to be sorry.
Angry that I am angry at myself. Angry that everytime I drop off to sleep I wake with a start knowing that there are un-dealt  with issues hanging in air, polluting the very air we are breathing.

I want to know his forgiveness, and his arms around me. This emotion..., it is foreign, and I don't know how to deal with it.
We didn't hug or pray together. The night is not complete.

It was not his fault, it was mine. I should know when to stop. But I don't. The boundaries keep changing when in fun we are talking or just being silly.  So I push and push to see how far I can go. There is no demarcation line.

Then I got angry about something that I cannot even remember. I went to bed angry, mentally pushing him away. Not trusting myself to speak or look at him.

I should not of got angry when I got up and found the back doors unlocked after I had locked up for the night. I didn't get angry like I used too.
This is a quiet anger, that is just simmering underneath. I didn't lose it and yell like I have in the past. I just held my breath, and went into a deeper place of distancing. It is safer there, or that is the lie I am telling myself. As I know it hurts both of us.

I am on that raft that is drifting out to sea with me on it. While he stands on the shore and watches. He could of said something before he went to bed. But he kept his silence. The Silence being silent.

And now that I have all this down I realise that nothing has changed. And it wont until the morning when he said that he would deal with it then.

I wish that we could have just one day, one night where I don't go wrong. This DD is hard. There are no easy roads to take ...

But I can't go back. WE can't go back. The old way of living seems so ....different. I wonder now how on earth we managed. And even in my anger tonight, right now, I love him more than yesterday.

Morning for him is six hours away. He will sleep and dream the dreams of the forgiven, while I try to turn the distancing raft around and head for shore and The Silence that is waiting there.

The Silence's (HOH) Hidden Talents.

Ok, so we are now two weeks down into our new lifestyle.

I have been married to this man of mine for over 20 years. He is now just starting to show some amazing talents, that he has kept hidden all those years.

He has a talent for turning 75 lines into a larger, magical number. Of course I am his assistant in this.

He has a talent for managing to put his wife (who weighs more than him) over his knee, while he is still standing, in the kitchen, before she even knows what is happening. I am his assistant in this too.

He can transport his wife and himself to the bedroom, while the wife is back peddling with lightening speed too. He does this so fast, it is like time travel. One minute he is in the bathroom and the next he is sitting on the bed with his wife OTK. Once again, I am his assistant in this too.

He also has this amazing talent of making things alright. Of giving good, long hard hugs after the event has finished, showing forgiveness and love. I also assist with this.

He also has a talent for being quiet while his wife is in CT. Sneaky, invisible. I am his assistant too in this pastime.
(Beginning to think he should be paying me for all this assistance as it is almost a full time job)

I am waiting (albeit with some trepidation) for the day when he shows other talents. Talents that he could get from other peoples posts.
All these I could be an assistant too. (seriously the money could be rolling in)

May your day be blessed and spank free!

Gender Benders..WHAT????

'Have you got the gender, bender?'

Pardon?

'Have you seen the gender bender, I need it'

The what? asked with a blank look. Hey, HOH, there is your clue right there....

'The gender bender plug'

Second clue coming right up....I am starting to lose patience with trying to work out what the hang a gender bender is....

'The gender bender, you plug it in'

Ok, right now I can almost be 100% certain, like me, you, that are reading this are wondering the same darn thing....
Clue three coming right up...

WHAT IS A GENDER BENDER!!!!!!!!

'The double plug, what you use to recharge with. English on one side, Asian on the other'

The DOUBLE PLUG? THE ADAPTOR!?

'Yes, it is called a gender bender'

UM ...yeah, where you work maybe....but not in my lifetime have I ever heard it called a gender bender!

Well, apparently being frustrated and raising your voice in THAT tone is not a good idea. As I found out tonight with the hurriedly made new implement. Something about disrespect and raising in the voice...well, hello!

Nor is it a good idea to call the HOH a pussy while you are still in the 'position'. Nor is it a good idea to laugh you head off after saying it.

Oh well you live and learn. And today I learnt that a gender bender looks nothing like the picture I had that was going  through my mind at the time.

Disobedience and his Uncontrollable Brother Disrespect Part 2

Ok, so I was on the subject of Disobedience that I said did not feature largely on the grand scale of things. That is, until last night.

"I will not do it! I will not stand there, I REFUSE too!"

'But we agreed on this'

"But that was in the daytime, not in the DARK'

'What else can we do. We did discuss this and came up with this solution'

"I don't care. I am not doing it'

That was last nights conversation downstairs while our daughter was upstairs, comfortably laying on the couch watching TV.

I had messed up (disrespect...sigh). The Silence decided that perhaps some corner time would be beneficial for me.
We HAD discussed corner time when the girl was home. We HAD decided that downstairs in the garage would be a good place for me to go, so that the girl was unaware of what was going on. I thought that was during daylight, not at night time. Even though there is a light down there, it is a BIG garage, HUGE in fact. Our house is not that big (hence the reason for the difficulty of carry out punishments and discipline when the girl is home) but the garage goes from one end of the house to the other.
The  post/pillar/support that was agreed upon to be the 'Place of Reflection' is just outside of the light. Really it would not matter where it was at night time, as where ever you are down there, you can hear the rustling, creepy, crawling things. There are snakes and BIG BIG SPIDERS where we live. The wildlife here is just that - WILDLIFE and they are SCARY!!

Whether you are standing in or out of the light you can hear them planning their attack on unsuspecting sassy sassy sassy toes.

 And if you stand in the light, the neighbours are likely to see you standing there for some unknown reason staring at a wall.

Anyway, got the capsican cream last night, right before bed. Not as a replacement spanking for outright disobedience, but as a reminder of what is coming. My gosh that stuff can burn! and it is not the real cream they recommend for silent spanking.
The Silence kept rubbing it when the burn was starting to fade...which as I am sure some of you know, brings the burning sensation right back again. Once on, that stuff eliminates the need to rub the rear, even when you are tempted too.

We are gradually settling into what is going to work for us, while still having a teenage girl living at home. This is only day 12. There has been changes. Noticeable ones too. Though the disrespect is still there, I am sure it is getting less.
I was able to keep control better yesterday before church and not stress about whether we were going to be late etc. I am thinking, most times, of what I am saying.
We now have to recognise and pin point those times that perhaps I need some 'down time' before things start to get out of hand in the mouth department. Especially when my back is up! It is mainly those times now that are causing the most problems.
Today while he is at work I have to work through several 'reminder punishments' in preparation for tonight, so that I wont forget what I should be focusing on. No doubt, since The Silence is so fond of lines I will be busy today with pen and paper.
May your day be blessed and be spank free :)

Disobedience and his uncontrollable brother Disrespect

I think The Silence is becoming far to fond of lines.

'I will not distance myself from --------as it is harmful to both of us'
'I am learning to hold and control my tongue in front of others'
'Every day in every way, I am getting better and better and better'

We decided that having to 'wait and hang' for a spanking, as potentially it could be 2 to 5 days to wait (eventually I shouldn't need that many spankings...right?) was not really achieving much of a result. Often I was worrying more about the spanking than actually working on changing the behaviour, and quite often one or both of us was forgetting what it was for. That is what happens when you mess up, somedays quite often.

So after a chat about it we came to the conclusion that perhaps doing a 'punishment' straight after the mess up and several the next day would keep it all in mind for me, so that I would be able to concentrate on the reasons why, not 'oh crap, this is going to hurt'

So far it is working. Though the lines are getting rather tedious. As, of course they should be....

DISRESPECT features largely on the list of offences. Everyday in fact. It is under the 'major list'.  I never realised just how much disrespect HOH has had to put up with ...until now.

I am getting better at some things. I am thinking more about what I am saying, doing. Except when I am tired, feeling stressed and just not plain thinking about things. My mind can be wandering on a different path all together from my mouth, which seems to constantly hold disrespectful words waiting to pour out while I am thinking of other things.
This could be because sometimes, just sometimes, I can look like I am listening, but I could be, in my mind on some tropical beach somewhere.  So my first response to The Silence is words that I have not thought about.

DISOBEDIENCE this one does not feature much. Thank goodness! Often on 'The Green Book Daily List' where what I have to achieve each day is written, I will go the extra mile to please The Silence (HOH). I have had to examine my motives on this one.
a) Am I going the extra mile because often I see that doing the task is not useful unless the whole picture is complete? (eg: vacuuming one room while the others are messy)
b) Am I going the extra mile to say 'So there!'
c) Am I going the extra mile because I love him and want to learn to obey?

I am, in most cases going for A and C. Though to be honest, B was high on the agenda at the start. It is not so much now. We have discussed this one when I went to him to ask how he felt about me doing the extra bit.
Did he think I was being disrespectful/disobedient when I did do the extra? We came to the conclusion that you should go the extra mile, and that is what I was doing. So brownie points for me please :)

Going to stop here, and later do part 2. I know that some of you that read this, have a short internet time, so I am trying not to ramble to much so that you have time to read my boring blogs :)

The 5th D...

No surprise really that the 5th D is now part of the Disrespect, Disobedience, Dishonesty and Dangerous family.
No surprise at all.

Sometimes the internet is a pain in the butt... (haha). It gives too much information for The Silence.

Welcome, one and all the 5th D!!!! Clap clap clap.

DISTANCING

and the clapping stops.

No surprise either that it is now part of the family after what I said last night.  After I grabbed my pillow and a blanket and headed for the couch.

'I don't want to speak to you right now, I don't want to be near you, I don't want to see you or even be in the same room as you'

Yeah. I know. Dumb thing to say.

I wanted to push him away, as far away as possible. I wanted to be alone on the raft that seemed to be drifting further and further out to sea with me on it. I didn't want anyone else  helping to paddle to get back to where I needed to be. I wanted to curl into a ball and just be...alone. Somewhere else. No confusion. No hurt. No having to explain things, or face things. I wanted to go deep down into that safe place.

We hadn't even made it bed. It was still early, he was reading, and I was floundering for a foothold in amongst the confusion.

I am not going into details of why all this happened. It is now irrelevant. Or one would hope so. It was nothing big, it was just one of those stupid little things that tipped the scales the wrong way.

I want to get this written, to clear my own mind, my own emotions. But I am struggling. It has taken over an hour to write what I have. I keep deleting things, adding, deleting. I have never found writing something so hard. I think in some ways part of me is still on that distancing raft, which is why I am finding it so hard to write about.

I apologise for the confusion in this blog today. Believe me when I say I am just as confused.

Anyway.... 2 hours later after telling it straight talking about things with the The Silence:

I ended up with that dreaded corner time for attitude. And I did it. Clap for me here please...I did not fidget, I did not move, I did not turn around, I did not think of the chicken dance, or dearly beloved or think about asking 'are we there yet' The toes did not do their sassy sassy sassy dance. And it was for AGES!!!

And because our daughter was home and the more 'normal' means of punishment could not be dealt with,  I ended up for the first time with lines :( I hate lines too!!
So from corner time to lines. Except one must learn not to say...

'Hey, not to long-a-line!' as they walk past and see what HOH is writing for you to copy. My HOH is magic. He can suddenly turn 75 lines into a 100. Just like that.

'I will not distance myself from --------- as it is harmful to both us'

Writing lines takes ages. For me it is worse than Corner Time! My toes were starting to do the sassy sassy sassy dance. By line 31 they were not sassy, sassy, sassy. They were PEEVED! By line 43 I had the message loud and clear that I must not distance myself from -------as it is harmful to both of us. I wanted to tell him so, but thought better of it. I blanked out and just wrote until line 68, when I came to the realisation that I still had 32 to go, and just caught myself from saying something really dumb once again. Lines 89 to 100 seemed to go on and on. That magic number at the bottom of the page never seemed to look any nearer. It took just over 45 mins to get it done. I tell you, I would prefer Corner Time to writing lines!

So I had Corner Time for attitude/disrespect, then straight into  lines for distancing, another Corner Time straight after that for something I said after I completed the lines. (DUH) Now what is left is facing the music this afternoon for the major disrespect last night, before, during and after my meltdown. And that wont happen until our daughter is out of the house. That is still 7 hours away.
My mouth goes dry and my tummy does flip flops when I think about it.  I hate the waiting. And you know what?  Distancing was not even on the 'D list' when I started writing my lines :(

Last Night, I Gave you my Heart

Well I could say that yesterday was a punishment free day....I could, and I will. Because it was.

Not because of me, lets face it, The Silence had only just been home for about a minute before I yelled at him to watch my toes as he opened the door. With THAT tone.

A minute. That is all it took. Sigh.....

It is funny how we both stop now and just look at each other. I don't think we have ever looked at each other so much before.

The Silence is looking at me while he opens the door and offers a replay of that moment, just so I can get it right.

'Mind my toes please dear' sounds a lot better than 'WATCH MY TOES!!!' with THAT tone.

There were other little incidences too throughout the night. Nothing major.

But The Silence was tired, it rapidly became what he termed a 'Gracious Night' Lucky it was really, as we added more things to THE list.
My butt agrees it was good to have a Gracious Night.

I told him we should swap roles one night just so he could see how hard it is sometimes. He wouldn't agree to that.

I talked about in-consistency, that he has to follow through, even when he is tired.
He talked about me fighting the punishments, or at least the spankings. I told him that the mind and heart was willing, but the body had a mind of its own. I agreed to try harder to get into position, to not argue and make him laugh.

Making people laugh at tough times is a coping mechanism of mine. It deflects the pain. For me. Whether it be emotional or physical. It makes it hard for HOH to carry out his job.
I told he is going to have to be tougher.
I know he hates the discipline side. I told him I was proud of him. I loved him more than I did last week. That I will love him even more next week. And I meant it. Every word.

I talked about respect and at the moment it seemed like a one way street. A street I was travelling alone.
I talked about how I was trying to undo, not just our marriage years, but my growing up years too. Those young years were not that great.
I have had to manipulate, control, yell and demean just to survive. There is the gentler side to me too, which surprises a lot of people. The dark side has hidden and kept safe the good side.

That is not an excuse. It is just the way it was.

Come to the dark side....we have milk and cookies. No, don't, it is too hard to get back.

He talked about how I might notice what I have said is wrong. He does not, because he is so used to hearing it from me. For 23 years. For such a long time.

I talked about how he does not see that I am trying. He does not praise the good. He only sees the spanking and the punishment. He said he does. I don't hear it. Because praise from him is something I am not used too. For 23 years. For such a long time.

And I have just had today's revelation. Just like that. Dropped into my head from above. Like a gentle river flowing into my life.

Our wedding vows were not traditional. I kept thinking how important it was to use the ones we did. I didn't know how to tell him because I did not know why I wanted them.. A few weeks later he told me he wanted to use a particular part of the bible as our wedding vows. He opens his Bible to the exact same scripture. It was a 'God' moment. There was no back peddling, just a straight answer of 'yes'  to those scriptures.

I have in some ways a strong sense of integrity. My word is my bond. Simple as. If I know I cannot keep it, I cannot and will not give it.  I will not give it and take it back.

Normal vows would have given me a way out. I would of found a loop hole. Eventually, somehow, when things got too tough. While saying love and obey, I would of had my fingers and toes crossed.

God knows this.

These vows, spoken in love to my husband have no loop holes, they are as direct as they can be.

Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go, I will go; where you lodge I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die — there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!” (Ruth 1:16-17)

And there you have our wedding vows. Submission. Total.
Never marry a man you cannot or will not follow.

Just Thoughts.

I have had a 'Conquistador' hour....oh wait...everyone else is still in bed. I can be sure the next hour is going to be to.

Today is a new day. One hour at a time.

Found that Thursdays and Fridays are really hard days to do discipline on as our young adult is home on both nights. So whatever needs disciplining (which is not much...yeah right) has to wait until Saturdays. This means I have to stew for two whole days before having to face the music.  Which really, lets face it, could potentially end up being a whole day of spanking and corner time.

So I have been thinking about this all week and have 'suggested' (see, only suggested, not told, not manipulated etc...I am learning, albeit slowly) that perhaps, as much as I am going to hate this, it has to be better than having to wait until Saturday, that Bedroom time/lines/loss of privileges/capsicain cream (might have a hard time with the privileges one) might have to come into play. This means that neither of us will have to wait until Saturday. Of course, I probably won't need any of this because I am so good.....yeah...ok. Don't hold your breath on that one.

The ultimate decision of course is up to The Silence. That quiet, strong, forgiving, handsome, loving, enduring husband of mine.

Trying to think of what other privileges, or things that I could possibly lose..

Was thinking this morning 'has there been any growth?'
And yes there has. I do stop and think more about what I am saying, doing, reacting. There are now just odd moments that something will slip. The Silence is very good at catching those slips. Sometimes he lets them go, depending on how big a slip it is. I guess one day he might not let the slips go anymore when he thinks that maybe those little slips should not be happening.

An update on the Bible reading and food diary:
(Remember the trouble I was having to let go of those things that 'I choose to do' and this was only two things)

Ok, so the Bible reading I am doing.  I still don't like seeing it written down as those feelings of control come into play. What has changed, just slightly (and this is after I got it through my head that he, as HOH is responsible for the spiritual growth in the home) is that I don't mind doing it. Sort of.

The dreaded food diary. I am filling it out. Under internal protest. Which reminds me..hang on a tick. Ok, that is done.
I can see why I have to fill it out. And that is about all I am saying on that subject.

It is such a small part of control to let go. I read other peoples blogs and see that for some of them there is a whole lot of 'stuff' that they can no longer control. How do they do it? How do you cope?

I guess, it is all about trusting the one you love, that whatever decisions he makes, they are going to be the right ones, and can only do you  good.

Sometimes I think there are things I would like to let go. Things that keep me wired up inside, wired up on the wrong side of control and manipulation. Things I say to protect myself, distancing. If I sat down and thought to hard I guess I would just end up with basically everything I do at this present time.

I think the hardest thing is just letting go of some things. You want to be submissive, you are willing to be submissive..but for some reason those rebellious feelings come in, you want to be there for them, fulfil their needs, emotionally and physically. But while your mind is saying yes, I want this, your toes are digging into the ground as far as they can.

How can the top half of your body be so willing while the bottom half is not.

Anyway, coffee and wake up time for HOH.

Forgiveness

 My wonderful enduring husband did not get his peaceful night tonight like I wanted him to have. I should just meet him at the door with the paddle. It could become part of our natural greeting process.

He was loving, kind and forgiving as usual. This new feeling of guilt for saying something that has the potential to hurt is reasonably new. I have said things in the past to him, that I have just shrugged off.

Anyway, that was today, tomorrow is a new day.
And as 'The Silence' said:

'The change will come'

To which I replied:

'If Armageddon doesn't come first'

No, no, no, no..not today.

I feel like crying. I really do. And if the child was not at home I would be, but I have to carry on like everything is fine.

I slipped up.

I decided today that it was going to be a Conquistador Day (see previous posts). It is not.

I decided today that everything he wanted done was going to be done. Now I feel so rotten I don't care. I am not in a good place right now at all.

The phone call was going well, I was deferring decisions to him, willing to be abiding, obedient and respectful. I almost managed it.

Then in a moment of distraction, not even thinking of what was coming out of my mouth, taking my mind off the phone call, I said

'Whatever it was that you can't remember is probably not worth saying anyway'

The words fell heavily into the phone.

I am not laughing. I am not even worried that there will probably be a spanking when he gets home.

Right now, I am crying on the inside, because that would of hurt of him. That was an awful thing to say. I don't even know why I said it. I was not thinking at all.

I let my mind wander and not listen (disrespect) and then say something dumb (disrespect)

I hurt him, in a moment, in one sentence. Gosh I suck at this.

What?

There is a very serious side to Domestic Discipline, I mean after all we are trying to improve the marriage or want to be submissive to our husbands as we should be.
I have tried to inject some form of humour into my blogs. This is a release for me. It is not to poke fun at this road we are on. Through the use of  humour and blogging I have found things out about myself. I use this to try and change the way I am.

DD also changes your way of thinking. This blog will be added to on the way through our journey which is going to last a lifetime. So I guess I should aptly name this one 'What? Part One'

This is for those little thoughts I am sure we all have from time to time when listening to someone else talking, or out and about, or those little incidences where DD has taken over your mind.

The first one is this.

While at lunch on Sunday with a church group, one of the young men, recently married was asked where his wife was:

'Oh I don't know, out somewhere for lunch with a friend'

And my immediate thought:

'WHAT you don't know where your wife is? You should know where your wife is! Where is her respect for you?'

Oh dear, so glad I did not say that out loud.
Or this one:

Our daughter is complaining about a sore finger, and all I am thinking is 'you have no idea, girl, no idea at all about sore!'

Or yesterday with her complaining about something. So out of mouth comes something I have heard my husband saying:

'You are really starting to push the boundaries!'

Or you go shopping, and as you wander up the isles anything that looks remotely like it could be good for spanking catches your eye. (In my case, as spanking seems to be happening everyday because of my mouth, something light, pretty and fluffy...like a cushion or a teddy bear)

Or you hear someone answering back (worse if it is your own child) and you think you would dearly love to put that person over your knee and give them a darn good spanking.

Or you say to your husband that your daughter's friend, who happens to be a male, but not boyfriend, when told that they would both make a good pair, that the male friends reply was 'no, I would bring her back with a note three weeks later saying you can keep her'
And my husband said his response to that male friend would be 'No, take her home and give her a darn good spanking'

What do you do with all that energy?

(The title is a valid question from last night.)

I blame the dinner. The meat or the mushrooms or something else I ate. I tried to stop. I did, I really did.

I learnt it is not a good idea to sit across the table while he is working and throw bits of tissues at your husband..

I learnt that when The Silence is still smiling and he says NO MORE, he means NO MORE.
(Now how was I supposed to know that when he was smiling at the time?)

I learnt that my mind, when I am in that pent up energy state, has an entire life of its own.

I learnt that while in Corner Time I had better not let it wander from the task at hand - mainly thinking about what I have just done. It is not good to stray from that reason.

I must not, must not! Think of the Chicken Dance while standing in Corner Time with my hands on my head. This is not good. (I only thought it, I did not dance it. Thinking of it was bad enough)

I must not think of 'Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today' With hands clasped in front of me while in Corner Time. This is not good.

I must not think 'Are we there yet?' When I think I have been in Corner Time for too long. This also is not good. I must also thank the lucky stars that when I was thinking about saying it time was up!

I must remember that The Silence was very gracious last night. He was being a very tolerant, loving husband. I should have felt his hand on my rear more times than I did.

So my question remains. What do you do with all that pent up energy?

I am in my forties. I should be mature. I should not get the giggles like a flirty teenage girl.

Age and maturity went well and truly on their merry way last night, and left me to deal with the rest.

When I got up this morning, I realised it really was a major disrespect to his authority, and disobedience. Last night it just did not register.
I tried to get myself under control, but everything just seemed so funny. My mind did its wandering trick quite well,  and at t 1am this morning, I was still restless and full of energy. (this does not happen often, thank goodness)

Even when I tried to do things as a distraction, to try and get myself under control, I was so full of energy that I could not stay to task.

Am I alone in this? Or has this happened to you? What do you do when you are in that frame of mind? What do you do with all that pent up energy, when pre DD you would just say and do what you wanted?

An update on yesterday:
I did do the food chart. (sort of) and I did do the Bible readings and Journal. I didn't like it, and the toes were doing the sassy sassy sassy dance the entire time.
I am accountable to do them every day. The HOH does not want to check them. But I must do them everyday.

I am still battling with the control/manipulation area. This is going to be a long, long, long road. Every time I think of not being able to control and manipulate my environment for my own purposes/emotional reasons etc, I start to feel angry.  I HAVE to learn to get these feelings under the thumb. I can trust this husband of mine, he has proved that time and time again. But how do you undo 40 odd years of living like this?

The List...

Each day this week, since we started on this journey, I have handed the husband pen and paper and asked him to write some things for me to do during the day. Things that he would like to see done, things he does not want to see when he comes home from a long day at the office.

It has been blank all week. Until this morning.

It has three things on it.

The first one: find the documents he needs for his visa application, as we are going overseas shortly for two weeks.

Done before he leaves for work. I go and get them, come around the kitchen corner and those darn toes are starting to do the 'sassy sassy sassy' dance. I stop, and tell them NO NOT THIS MORNING!

The second one: Keep a food diary. Simple aye? hmm, those toes are not doing the 'sassy sassy sassy' dance anymore. They are starting to dig firmly into the soles of my fluffy red slippers. This to me is heading into the 'control' area. My submissiveness is starting to go out the window. I want to comply, but I am fighting the feelings of letting go. Disobedience and Disrespect are rearing their heads as my toes are pressing firmly into the ground. I am starting to worry.
The reason for keeping a food diary is because I get stomach upsets quite regularly. I am used to it. I don't want to know what causes it (see, I don't keep good care of myself in the health area. I worry about other people, not myself). The Silence wants to know what causes it, so we can deal with it. I see that, I understand that. I just have to suck it up and deal with the feelings of control. Which leads onto number three on the list.

The third one:  Read my bible. Do today's readings and start a journal. Four whole chapters. Mal 3 and 4, Acts 5 and Ps 148. Read them, underline what stands out in those scriptures and then write about why.
We are Christians, we believe in God, we go to church. We pray, and I pray daily, throughout the day. So no big deal, this is a part of our lives. But I never keep a journal, and do not do daily readings. I should, but I don't. I would rather play the piano and worship God that way, or look at nature, and take macro shots to see and thank God for His exceptional beauty and craftmanship. This is the way I learn about God, and I listen in church. Have no problem reading my bible in church.

This list is not about housework.
This list is about letting go of what I, ME, MYSELF control.  This is about letting go of those boxes that I keep things in, that I can take out when I want too.

I know I have to do this. I am his loving, submissive wife. (having problems with the submissive right now) Why do I feel so ........rebellious?
Because these are things I do on my own terms. Reading my bible is a chore, it shouldn't be but it is. I am a visual person. I praise and learn more about God by looking around me, than reading my bible.

And that sounds so dumb. I am so confused about why I am feeling this way.

Actually, no I am not.

Asking him to do the list, I expected it to be housework orientated. I wanted the list to contain housework, as this is easy. It is also on MY terms, not his. I wanted to be the submissive wife by controlling 'The List' I had been suggesting housework orientated tasks all week. Thinking he would put things like washing, dishes, ironing, vacuuming, things to do with housework. He hasn't followed my rules. I have lost control.

Controlling = Manipulation.

Now it is his list. I have no control. I have lost that control, I have lost the manipulation. And it is SCARY!!

This is a whole new feeling that I have to process. This might take awhile.

This little list, not done on my terms, that has taken away some of my control and manipulation is so small. In how many other areas am I going to need to deal with that I control that he should. I have to let go of the control and manipulation.  My whole life is about control.

This is going to be so hard.

One Complete Week In...a Lifetime to Go

This is the problem of getting up early. There is nothing to do. I used to do a social networking site. I gave that up a week ago as it took up so much of my time that could of been spent with 'The Silence'
Now I come here, while he is asleep, get my thoughts down for the day.

I follow two blogs: One is about what/how/when etc about Domestic Discipline. It is not about the erotic side of DD. It is about having a loving DD marriage. It is what started us on this road. This road to....Freedom with boundaries.
'The Silence' said the other day that he was afraid he was going to squash my spirit. That I was always going to be on edge about saying or doing something wrong and that he did not want to do that.  He still wanted me to be me.

The first few days were exactly like that. And funnily enough I was starting to think the same thing. Now I know that my spirit will never be squashed. It cannot be. I was born with it, and we are WILLINGLY doing this. This is not a one sided choice.
I am still going to be Me. Still laugh at the same things, still do the stupid little things I do (with boundaries) I will still have the fight in me, but the fight is now for our marriage not against it. My spirit is not broken, it never will be, it has just changed direction. It is now heading the way it should of been heading long, long ago.

We will still discuss things, talk things over, it is not a 'yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir (though I have stopped myself from saying this several times in the last week, with those sassy toes dancing away in my shoes) relationship. I just know that ultimately the decisions are his. He will take my opinions into consideration, weigh all the possibilities and make the right choice. I trust him. I might buck against some of the decisions, because I may not like them, but I have to learn to accept them.
And I trust him because he is a man of God, he has never let that go, in the face of all those years of me taking him down with the disrespect and distancing and disobedience. He has hung in there, never been dishonest, never gossiped, never lied, never done anything that has jeopardized us. I have. He has not. I trust this man completely.

The second blog I follow is one that I am starting to treasure more and more. It is intelligent, witty, humorous and starkingly real.

Being in a DD marriage is not easy. It is frowned upon by society. Being submissive to your husband is not the norm. Getting spanked for not being submissive is way out of the norm.

It is a lonely place to be.

Even when you can see how it works, lived the benefits of it, seen the changes, there is no one you can tell. Unless you are lucky enough to accidently find someone, you are in this together alone. Except for other peoples blogs. THANK YOU CYBER SPACE!!!!

The second blog is written by another person living the DD lifestyle. It is where I go when I need a laugh, when I need to know that I am not alone. There are many, many blogs out there from those that are living this relationship, but this one, I love reading, sometimes it is like a mirror of myself.

I laugh and sometimes tears will well up as I read this second blog. I laugh because it is funny, or I find myself thinking 'oh my gosh, I said that too'  (though I am starting to think there is a DD 101 textbook out there for the wives in a DD marriage, as we all seem to try the same thing from what I read in this blogs comments. I told 'The Silence' this last night, and said we were all cut from the same cloth....he said, 'From the same rib at least' yeah, thanks Adam and Eve)

We seem to say the same things....with the same results. Ow.

While it is funny, there is the serious side too. I can read between the lines and see her struggle from day to day. The pain sometimes of having to give in to emotions she doesn't want to give in to. The pain of having her butt spanked because of something she has said or done. The struggles she has gone through previously, and the days that have come with their own problems that she has dealt with and overcome.
The struggle with distancing herself, not wanting to face the world, wanting to retreat, pushing others away.

I can see this, because I know.

I also know that she is an inspiration to me.

Now it is time to go and make The Silence his wake up coffee. I have done this for years, I had better not stop now :)

The Struggle Within

Still day six.

I was not going to blog. I wasn't.

But I have to get this down before I go to bed. Something happened tonight.

I think we have tipped over the edge into the real DD.

'The Silence' (new name for HoH) called me out on last nights infractions in bed. I was in disagreement with that lot. It was dark, it was unfair. I could not see his face. I was tired and stressed. So what ever happened last night was just plain unfair! 'The Silence' was not wearing one bit of my argument and told me I was treading on dangerous ground.

I explained that I had gone to bed because I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted to be asleep when he got finally got there. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to pray with him. I was doing the distance game. Pushing him away, which led us to this position of going through the motions of being married in the first place. The falseness, the pretending that we were great. While underneath was a simmering pot of disrespect, I think mainly on my part, distrust, lack of intimacy ...well, the list could go on and on.

And to add onto lasts nights was the disrespect and answering back when he got home.
Pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. Just SHUT UP. Why can I not just shut up? He warned me, graciously, several times, more times than he should of. I still I pushed and pushed.

He went out and delivered the girl (I know I have said in previous posts that we have several young adult children at home, well we do have two children, one has left home and starting his own family, the other is at home until next year. I said we had several at home in case anyone we knew read this and put two and two together. There are 60 billion people in the world, or thereabouts, so that is not, perhaps likely to happen)

I was at home waiting for him to come back. Knowing the reason why he was coming home. Simmering, and he was late by my calculations, which made the simmering start to boil. And he snuck in the back way. Parking beside the house and not up the driveway. 'The Silence' sneaking in the back....

He is not a weakling, but I am not afraid of him. He hates the discipline, or rather hates to give it.  I have to tell him to be strong, even while I am bucking the system, his rules, our rules. It makes it harder to comply with him at discipline time. He loves me. He hates to do this, as he knows it is going to hurt me. I love him for it, while at the same time I resent that I have to pull him along, as well as myself. We agreed to do this, we agreed together. It IS working. After tonight, as you will read further on, I think there is now no going back. The benefits are to great.
This is for us.
This is for our marriage, our life. This is what is going to bring us together, the way we should of been from day one.
Honey, I love you. I really, really, really, really, really love YOU!

Resistance, as much as I gave it, was useless. This was going to happen either way. So I stomped my way up the hall to the bedroom.

'You are stomping' Says 'The Silence'

'No, I am not! I am walking with attitude!'

This is not a good start. I am mumbling, which he either does not hear, or refuses to bite.

I get into position. Used to this now. Have this down pat.

I am not going to say owowowowowow, or stopstopstopstop, or sorrysorrysorrysorry. I have ATTITUDE!

The warm up spanks seem to be a bit harder tonight. Then he rubs the butt...he is not supposed too. We are beginners. This does not happen in the beginning stages.

Then comes the main 'implement' This hurts, oh my gosh, this hurts. A few words escape, just a few. So I grit my teeth, and button down the emotions. My foot has a mind of its own. It keeps trying to get the way. Stupid foot. Stupid foot gained me a few more.

I am far from happy, but I am strong. I stand up, pull up the pants, give him a hug while he prays. It is now Corner Time. If you have read previous blogs you know I HATE corner time.

So I prance, yes, prance. I am no fairy. I could lose at least 15 kilos and still be no fairy. But I pranced down the hallway. 'The Silence' points to the corner.

Ah no, sorry, cannot comply. 'People will see me standing there. I will not stand there' (We have a very open house to the roads in front and beside us)So he chooses another corner. I thought refusal would of earned me another trip to the bedroom. It doesn't which is good, as I am heading there again shortly anyway. Because of my toes, seriously, who would think their toes would cause so much trouble?

I have discovered that in the 'Sassy Mood' my toes have a mind of their own. They do this little dance, up and down while my feet remain still. 'The Silence' should not know this. I have no control over those ten little jigglers on the end of my feet. They are HAPPY!

I am in Corner Time, toes jiggling, and I turn my head to see 'The Silence' watching me.

'That's one warning' says 'The Silence'

I am thinking, I have named you 'The Silence' so be silent!!!

I wait what seems like an eternity, which apparently was only about 3 mins, before I turn my head for a sneaky look again. Surely he must be busy writing or something at the table. He is not going to see me look. Dam those toes. Jiggling like mad now, singing 'sassy sassy sassy'
'The Silence' is looking. Darn!

Ok, so the toes are still jiggling all the way to the bedroom, they disappear under the bed...chickens..they are now hiding while my butt is pointing upwards.

I don't know how many he gave, but I was not giving in. It seemed too many for just turning around, so I stand up and tell him so. I still have ATTITUDE!
'The Silence' says no it is not, as he warned me. So back over the bed, and in the middle of the spanking he says

'And several more for insolence' and that there, my dear readers, was my undoing. I cried, I didn't want too.
I was not going too. The toes are not jiggling now. I don't think I have any toes, I am concentrating so hard on getting emotions together, that I could be legless and I wouldn't know. My butt hurts, but my heart hurts more.

This man, my enduring husband, has taken the upper hand and delivered a spanking I think will last several days. And I love him for it. He has finally taken the place he should of taken years ago. And I love him for it.

I go back to Corner Time. My toes are not jiggling. They are not happy.

I spend the next eternity (no idea how long it was, but the toes were starting to think about jiggling, just ever so slightly, when 'The Silence' says ok. I am so glad he did right then, or those toes were going to start again) anyway, I spend that time praying and thanking my God, our God for who my enduring husband is. I thank Him for the gift of having a husband who is to be respected, honoured and loved.

Tonight would be the turning point, and that turning point came at the end of the Corner Time. I hugged my enduring husband, and hugged him for a long time. I felt peace, love and treasured. The sighing I did was not because of sassiness, but because of love. I felt close to him, just like on our Wedding Day. I have not felt that way for a long, long time. I did not want to let him go. I just want to hold him forever.

I love you, my enduring husband.

(Of course we do have to have a reality check as  tomorrow is a new day, I might muck up, but that love is still going to be there. There is now an intimacy there that has not been present for a long time)

Corner Time, Equations and Myself Pt 2

Lights out...time to be quiet...to go to sleep....hmm mmm ho hum......
That was last night.
A few minor (ish) indiscretions on my part (who else's would it be?)
HoH said he would deal with it tomorrow, meaning today. I thought he might of forgotten it while he dreamed the dreams of domestic bliss, before he woke up to reality.  But he hasn't, and it still needs dealing with. That means tonight, while the young adults in our house are out at their various activities. It means he has to drop them off, come home to administer whatever punishment it is going to be, then race back and pick them up.

Poor man.

I guess eventually I will feel the need to come here and type less as I get my own emotions under grip (maybe), but right now, I need this.

I still have that sassy mood going on, it comes in waves, washes over me, leaves and comes back again. Sometimes the wave is so big I feel like I am drowning in sassiness. I will have to find an outlet before he comes home, or I could plead temporary foot in mouth disease when he does.  

I wonder if he would accept that? I could try talking my way out trouble, but he is starting to wise up to that one. He is very, very clever, and an extremely quick learner.

I don't think I am going to give in too easy to this submission. I want it, I want it for our marriage, I want it for the dynamics of our house, I want it because I can already see the changes, both in HoH and myself. I am becoming more aware of 'me' I want it because I love him, starting to trust him more, because I want him to be the husband he is supposed to be, the protector of my heart, the lover of me, my leader.

But this sassiness and feeling of rebellion is going to get me into real trouble, very, very, very fast. I was born with a fighting attitude, I am sure of it. I don't give in easily. I was reading some information today on DD and one person had asked a question of whether it was 'normal' to not cry and to feel angry after a spanking/punishment. The moderator who owns the site said it was normal to feel angry when you are first starting out in DD. But if she was not crying then her HoH was not spanking her hard or long enough. That crying is what brings the relief and remorse, and the submission...hmmm, I don't cry. I don't want to cry. I never cry (unless it is a sad movie)

Maybe watching sad movies should be punishment? We could sit there calmly side by side while I bawl my eyes out over the movie. HoH could lecture in the quiet parts of the movie....

I might need to go and put myself in the Corner Time corner.  I might still be there when he comes home in 5 hours time........

Corner Time, Equations and MYSELF - Day six

Once again it is early, very early. The sun is still asleep, like I wish to be. I have never slept well, anywhere between 2 to 4 hours seems to be my lot at night. Once I am awake my body goes into the lets get up and go mode. If I fight the get and go mode, I toss and turn for ages, often waking several times within a minute.
Today is going to be a nap day.

I did forget to mention that yesterday at church four separate people came up to me and said I looked different. More relaxed and happy. (which was amazing as I was not feeling that inside at all) One said my HoH was the same and seem to walk in with a confidence. I noticed his confidence during the worship time. He was stronger, more sure of himself. Is this the result of DD? Yes, I really believe it is. Though it is hard, and these are early days, the changes we are seeing are amazing. Two nights ago when we went to bed, I took his hand and prayed, we prayed together before sleep, for the first time in many many years. Taking his hand to do so, seemed the most natural act in the world. I was holding the hand of the man that God had given me and I loved it.

I was not going to write in here daily. I wasn't, really :)

Corner Time in DD...hmmm well my husband has not quite got that one down pat yet, and that is ok, it is only day six. He mixes corner time with bedroom time.  We are still learning. There are times when I am now starting to think before I speak, or the first word is out before I stop myself. (so proud of myself!)

It sounds like I get into trouble all the time from what I write...I actually get into a lot less trouble than a) I probably should in these early days of learning b) because I am starting to bite my tongue

Anyway back to corner time.

I HATE corner time. I HATE spankings too, but would rather have a spanking than corner time! With a spanking it is over and done with. I can deal with the fact that I have wronged (doesn't make it any easier knowing that) We talk (well, learning to listen), we pray, get spanked, hug, talk, hug, say sorry and I ask for forgiveness. Then I have some corner time. I suggested this in my naivety, because I am not always feeling very penitent, and corner time gives me time to just get the defiance feelings under wraps, and give me time to think about what I did do...usually disrespect...two minutes maybe, just a short corner time to get it together. And that two minutes can seem like FOREVER!!!

As I was saying, the HoH has got the corner time and bedroom time mixed up slightly. I have corner time in the bedroom. He leaves me there while he goes and does what ever he does. There is no accountability, he is not there, I am trying, oh so trying, and I really do try to stay in that corner, not rub the butt, not fidget, not look around or sigh or mumble or whistle or talk under my breath, or look in my drawers or move slightly so I can watch the cars go past et.cetra, et cetra, you get the point and you will know what I am talking about if you have been there.

I am a mature woman, I should be able to stay in that corner and think about things. I am and should be accountable to myself too not just to the HoH. But I am there because I am feeling defiant. Defiance is rebellion, plain and simple, and when you start thinking really hard about it you get this equation:

Defiance = disrespect
Rebellion = disobedience

Disrespect + disobedience =  Two categories under the major list

Never have been good at math, so maybe I have this equation wrong.....

Of course this equation does not come into play so long as I stay in the corner. The magic words are 'stay. in .the. corner.'

As soon as corner time is mentioned, there rises in me an overwhelming desire to say something really really wrong..something like 'stuff you' or 'No' or 'You must be joking'  all while little alarm bells are going off in my head to keep the mouth shut and just do it. If the HoH adds in the hands on head because of rubbing my butt, the defiance goes up several notches. Many notches. Two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes or twenty minutes...just get up and do it. Does not matter, just get up for goodness sakes and do it.

I buck the system. I always have. It is how I keep control of my emotions, my life, the people around me. It helps to keep things and people in little boxes. I can keep them at a distance so that I don't have to deal with myself. MYSELF. Well, that is a new revelation as I was typing this.

I buck the system so I do not have to deal with Myself. Just let me digest this for a minute...

If I don't have to deal with myself, then I am not going to see what I am, what I have become, or to be more to the point, the person I have LET myself become. I don't have to look at allowing forgiveness to creep in, to accept. I am punishing myself. And I don't have to look at  how I treat my loving enduring husband.

Does this make it any easier to do corner time. No it does not. But what it has done is shown me why I buck the system, and knowing this, the next time when I have to do Corner time, I might just manage to actually take a long, long (after all two minutes seems like forever and five minutes a lifetime) look at MYSELF.

Day five - Don't forget no smoking when you drive

Early in the morning, and everyone is still in bed. The house is quiet and the sun is out, and yet I feel as if I am treading on thin ice already. Ready to fall through into the water that is going to carry me along, over the stones on the bottom and dump me over some distant waterfall.

It is Sunday..I hate Sundays.

No, not really.

I love the church we go to, I love the lazy Sundays afternoons. The house is usually empty and it is quiet. Today is different, there are many things on....things that I don't particularly like. It involves lots of people, some I don't know. I am not good in crowds, I get 'lost'. Beat myself up, look at them and feel like an outsider.

I hate crowds. So my attitude to the 'extra' stuff we have to do today is already stewing, deep down in the pit of.....what? Defiance, self pity, anger, no idea.

My wonderful loyal husband has roles he has to do at church. This leaves me alone to deal with people, say hello and smile. Some of them I like a lot, they are acquaintances, they are the ones I would like to know more. Have a coffee with and a laugh. But I hate rejection, I am too afraid to step out and ask. So I use the excuse that they are too busy to ask, and in some cases, they are just that.

I pick and choose my friends. Sometimes I am too picky, it takes awhile for me to trust. Why do I feel like I want to cry when I type 'it takes awhile for me to trust'? Must blame pms...

It is a guard that is hard to let down. Standing alone at church there is a palpable wall around me, I can feel it, almost see it...I am sure others can too.

I can read people. I can see right through them, I know whether they are false or true. I don't often make mistakes in my judgement. This makes it even harder to get to know people.

This wall of protection I have carried into our marriage. I have known my husband now for over 23 years. This guard should not be there. How can you have real loving intimate moments with a wall around you? How can you communicate through the wall of anger, hurt, bitterness, distrust? I know I said that I  don 't subscribe to the 'blame the past for the future' in my first blog. I am talking about actions when I say this, not the feelings...confused? Well yeah, so am I.

And now it is time to wake everyone up and the peace that is here will be shattered in the rush for everyone to get ready.

Sunday Night

Well, I made it through the lead up to to leaving. And in the car going there, and then almost all the way  through church. Then I lost it. But I am proud of myself for making it that far without saying something. It is better than most Sunday mornings.

The reason why I lost it with only 6 mins of church to go? I was listening to the speaker when the person sitting next to my husband started to talk to him. This person annoys me each week with her prattling when she sits behind us. She is an older woman, older than me and should know better to show respect (umm, yes, well) So, knowing this bugs me, I try and ignore it, but this is my husband she is talking to, she has just reduced him to being disrespectful....so I see red, and lean over to my husband, thump him on knee and say
'You are being really rude talking while he is talking, now listen!'
I wish I could type it the way I said it. But just imagine how you would say it. It was not said in a quiet voice, and the person talking to my wonderful enduring husband got the message too, and probably the people behind us.... I am hoping that she did get the message anyway, and that next week all will be quiet in the row behind us where she normally sits.
I knew I had blown it. BIG time! In public, angry and disrespecting my husband. In church. Sh**!
I was angry and hurt. Angry at the fact that once again my mouth had gotten me trouble, hurt because my husband had made me angry. I hate that woman that right now, I don't care whether I had a choice to keep quiet or not .... I just don't care.

We finally left church and headed to the next thing on the agenda, lunch with people my husband knows well after being overseas with them for a few weeks. I don't them, some of them I don't want to know. And I was the odd one out, the only one that had not been overseas with them. One person several times talked to me and explained what everyone was talking about. In my stress, I bit at my husband quietly under my breath. I was still worried about what was coming, in a situation that I didn't want to be in. Well, he heard that one too. It was just a small slip up and I did manage to stop mid sentence.

Anyway, we made it home with enough time to chat about what happened at church, before we had to start thinking about heading out again. He asked for forgiveness for getting me into the place where I got angry at him and we talked about why I felt the way I did when she was talking to him. The punishment still remains, because whether he was in the wrong or not, I had a choice to say something quietly or leave it. I agree to this, because this was a major, maaaaa.....jor slip up.

Now, this is where it gets a little bit more frustrating. This had happened at least 4 hours before hand, four hours of waiting and knowing that this spanking was going to be a darn good one that I was going to remember for a few hours afterwards. I don't like being spanked, but the 'good' ones serve as a reminder that I have done something wrong. They are a deterrent for the rest of the day (at least for that infraction)

So HoH gets the 'implement' and gives me a few spanks, yes it hurts when he is doing it, and I put my hands back to stop it, which earned a few 'good' ones on the bare skin instead of over the undies. And then he is finished. WHAT? Is that all? It felt so little for such a whooper of a Disrespect. I have spent the last four hours dreading this, I refuse to stand up after our chat and prayer time, because lets face it, I KNOW what is coming. Yesterday, I answered back four times, ok not so bad and todays one is bigger than that..way way bigger. But yesterdays spanking is still within my mind. I thought it would be worse than that. For goodness sakes, I am angry even typing about it.

But no, he is finished. One would think I would be happy. But I am angry, very angry. I am also happy that it was so short and so light. I will get to the angry part in a minute..but lets deal with the 'happy happy' first. I am happy that it was so short, my butt is not even stinging. I am now in a sassy mood. I feel that I have gotten away with the major disrespect. We are both so new at this, so we sort of talk about it afterwards. So I tell him that I am now in a sassy mood and that he had better sort out the punishments because if that was all he was going to dish out for such a whooper of a mistake then we could of done that in the kitchen and taken less time.  (We are talking about this, and he has not picked up on the fact that really I should of stopped when I started in on the sassy mood)

Then the penny drops...and I get angry, very angry. It is simmering under the happy happy sassy mood. The penny that dropped brought with it the knowledge that unlike other punishments that keep reminding for awhile to watch my mouth and to think before I speak, this one will not and has not. This means I am on my toes for the rest of the day. He has not done the punishment right, this is unfair. Because now I am pissed (and I don't care about using that word). I do not like the spankings, but see how it has affected our lives already. Five days in and we are already closer together, communicating more.

He has cheated me. That is what it feels like. I dreaded for so long that spanking...four stinkin hours of worrying about it, KNOWING it was going to hurt and that I was going to remember this one for awhile. It meant that it would be there as a reminder, it would have given me a release from the disappointment I felt about losing it in church with him. Now it is still there, just simmering.

He hates spanking me, but sees the results. I shocked him this afternoon, when I said a few more things to him, and he said that we had discussed it and to STOP NOW. I shut my mouth. I shocked him, I have never shut up before. He told me later he could not believe it.

I could of carried on with arguing with him, I didn't have to stop, even knowing that I was getting dangerously close to another spanking...I was angry. Still am. The reason I stopped so suddenly?

Because he had authority in his voice. I have never heard that before in him...EVER!!!! I stopped because I was shocked!! Not because I thought it was a good idea.

An hour to go before bed..I am going to make it. I am calling this a spank free day, because I can. I am not calling what I got a spanking..it wasn't.  There have been so many slip ups since then, the swearing, the tone..the little answering backs, the mutterings. I am not sure whether he is letting it slide or just hasn't heard me. I don't care right now.

Before I go I must type that I as I have posted previously I can no longer smoke in the car. So what does my wonderful enduring husband do before we go to lunch? He goes past the restaurant, into the next carpark, chooses a shady spot and tells me he will wait until I have had a smoke. Bless his little cotton socks :)
(this of course was before we finally made it home, but I still think that part of the day was wonderful, it meant a lot to me as he hates me smoking at all, and yet he did that for me)

Day four El Conquistador

The word "conquistador" literally translated means "conqueror". A dictionary defines "conqueror" as "one who conquers" or "one who overcomes or surmounts"

Yeah ok..... maybe tomorrow. But not today.

Knowing that my husband loves me, and that he finds it really, really hard to administer the spankings (I usually handed out the discipline to the children when they were little) I would think that I would on day four be a better person, with more respect. There are certain things that we have listed as being major and minor...the minor list is very small. So far, the minor list might as well not be in existence. 

This is going to be a long, long process. I see that now, and I also see that Saturdays, in fact the entire weekend is going to be a case of just nod and say yes. Doesn't matter if yes is not the correct answer, just answer yes.

We went shopping this morning. The HoH thought it would be a good idea to get some 'implements' Oh goody, yes, yes please let us go on an outing together, that is not going to church, the first one in months and buy some 'implements'

So I am going for the light and breezy look in the 'implements' while HoH is going for the solid, flat, this is going to be good 'implements' He is planning on having something that is going to deliver a good spanking, with less spanks and great results. 
Meanwhile me, his obedient wife is getting just a little antsy. You see, we had decided that I would no longer smoke in the car. I have a set pattern (well I did have) to where ever we go. So by this stage I was about two smokes short of a good mood. And I knew we would be going to more places too. No excuse really.

So I lost it. Answered back in THAT tone that shows that I really don't care what you are doing, lets just go. Meanwhile, he just smiles, and I walk away leaving him to take his time along the aisles. I go somewhere where I can quietly under my breath say a swear word that sums up the all knowing feeling that we are currently looking for 'implements' and I just broke one of the major disrespect rules.

I know about disrespect, we have had children. I know what it sounds like, how it is given, and yet I still cannot treat my husband with the respect he deserves. He earns the money and pays the bills, he is the one that takes care of us...me. He is lovingly turning me into the wife that he needs, that I want to be. An 'Above Rubies' woman and wife. It is a very delicate process...and one, though I want it, I keep bucking against.

I guess, I could use the excuse that it is only day four. That would be a valid excuse. It would also be a valid excuse to excuse the fact that in the next hour and a half I answered back another three times.
And in our bedroom still in their bags are the two new 'implements'

They are not in their bags now though. They were christened earlier on. It was a case of 'implement meet butt.'
Then they met again when I flatly said 'NO ARE YOU SERIOUS' When I would not put my hands on my head because I was rubbing the meeting place of the 'implements'  My husband is learning far to fast.

Must give my husband credit though, the poor man was almost in tears at having to administer such a spanking. But he did, and he did with love in his heart. I can see it in face. 
Problem being too, is that we have to wait until the rest of the family goes out. So the punishment is put off. Plus the answering back happened when we were out. Had we been at home, by ourselves, it would of been meted out there and then and I might of remembered (maybe) to not answer back for the rest of the day.

Now this brings me to something that I am going to take a few days to work out. Defiance.

We do the hug and talk, sit for a bit together, while he comforts me. He asks me if I am alright....and I am. Sore, stinging butt and all...I am alright. There are no tears, there is regret that I answered him back, and know that I should not. But there is that nasty little feeling of defiance there too.
It is defiance that keeps me in that place of "hey, yes that hurt but I am ok, so sorry that I answered back' Is true penitence there? Gosh I would hope so...but why the strong feeling of defiance and not penitence?

Will think of this over the next few days. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. We are not home as much. Let us hope that I keep it all together. It could be a Conquistador Day! 
(Incase anyone is wondering why the first three posts are posted on the same day...it is because I have had to put them all in today 
;0

Day three is here and thoughts of disrespect are always near

Day three is here and thoughts of disrespect are always near....pity the thought of 'thou shalt not spend money necessarily' was not also near...

Why does one spend money when you know..you really know (after all, are you daft or something) that you are not supposed too spend, and yet you walk into a shop and go 'oh that is nice' quietly hand over the money ($25) and walk out with a brand new purchase. Ok, so it was not for me, it was for someone else....hear that? I am trying to excuse the fact that I gave into a tendency  to spend money.

So this new feeling of guilt...what do you do with it. Well, if you are like me, then stew for an hour before texting your husband which went something like this:

'Don't want to tell you this but I am feeling really guilty because I spent money this morning without asking and I knew it was wrong. I am sorry. Since I said I was sorry there is no punishment is there?'
I could vacuum as punishment?'

Well, lets just manipulate the situation shall we. Problem being I have done a lot of manipulating over the years. I am good at it, not proud of the fact, but it has worked a treat in the past. Also this is day three right? So the husband is still a little naive, because lets face it, he has not done, up until here, all the research I have.
Why is it that I have such 'Duh' moments? My husband is not as naive as I think he is, and yet I still continue to live in fairy tale land where all is rosy (besides my butt that night) and husbands can be manipulated for my own good.

So lets continue with the text, so far two strikes: Spending the money, and manipulation of the punishment....

HoH: Oh, what did you buy?
Me:    A scarf for.........for $25
HoH:  Really? What for/Why does......need it?

(Seriously HoH? I am a woman and you are asking what for and why?)

Me:   Because it was nice and she doesn't need it. And I bought it without thinking and then realised that once again I had spent money that you said we didn't have and that I had not asked you. It is not her fault. So, now do you want me to vacuum or something?

And STRIKE THREE!!! The sassy undertone in a text. So my HoH is not that great with words and written tone, so maybe, just maybe I had got away with this one.

But lets, why not, take a larger spade and dig the proverbial hole a bit bigger shall we.

HoH: Cat box and Vacuum
Me:   Ok, it that it? All over with if I do those? Even if I disobeyed and disrespected you by spending the money? And I guess if this is going to work I should be honest enough to say that I have just taken your authority  by suggesting the punishment sorry.

And STRIKE FOUR!!!!  but you see, this is where the really, really, really annoying part comes in. I was going to push the back button on my phone and never, ever, ever send this message. Beware when you do updates on your phone that changes buttons just ever so slightly.....

Me: Bugger! Was meant to push the back button not the send! :(

At this point I thought it was prudent to do the vacuuming and the cat box. I am also beating myself up for being such an idiot for pushing the wrong button and cursing our stupid provider of the cell phone service for their stupid updates.
Thinking that this is going to make him happy that I have done what I was told (and suggested) I text him to tell him I have done it.

Me:    Done. Is that it? Is that the punishment over with?
HoH:  We can discuss this when I get home

Oh goody! A whole day to wait.

I have this intense stupid character flaw that never lets me know when enough is enough. You would think that after Strike one you would be quiet. Ok so the money was spent and it was going to be a spanking, shut your mouth while you are only one spanking ahead...after all, this is only day three and 10.30 am in the morning. He is at work, he comes home and four or five hours later he is asleep. But Noooooo, I have to carry it on, pushing, pushing, pushing to see how far it would go.

Well I found out. With his new found knowledge of spanking and a red, stinging rear.

I know he does not like doing this. It hurts him to do it (though I doubt very much it hurts as much as my rear does)
Today we went shopping. I only looked at items, briefly in passing, with the constant thought that my rear was not going through that again for spending. I am hoping the lesson learned is going to be a lesson that remains and that next week I am not going to see something and hear it calling my name from across the shop as I search frantically through my wallet as the item calls louder and louder....