There is a calm acceptance this morning.
There is no anger left. I have had many hours thinking things...
I feel like I am under a mountain, and each day, a small part of the mountain is chipped away.
It is going to take awhile as there are only small chips falling. With each small chip that falls, there is just that more submissive feeling, moving from head to heart. More willingness, more acceptance.
Once the silence that surrounded me protected me from hurts. Now I am waiting for The Silence to keep chipping, to find me, under the mountain, waiting and willing to be the person I should be to him.
It is hard for The Silence too. He is the one that has to swing that which brings each chip down off the mountain. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am able to chip away from the inside.
But then the space I have created gets clogged with little chips, which have nowhere to go. I stumble over them. Fight them to move them. Some days there is no room to move, and in frustration I bang my heart and soul on those stupid little chips that just won’t move.
The Silence hears me, but does not understand.
The space that I control is so very small, it is warm in here, dark and safe. Sometimes there is light, just a tiny speck that calls me forward, I reach out but trust quickly disappears. The light is suddenly blocked by another chip that has fallen.
Sometimes the chips just disappear, I have no idea to where. This leaves more room to move, and more room to make mistakes. More room for more chips to clog the way. It seems never ending. I chip from the inside, The Silence chips from the outside, eventually we will meet and he will be able to take my hand and lead me out.
It is a very big mountain, it is going to take a very long time.