Monday, 15 October 2012

Corner Time, Equations and MYSELF - Day six

Once again it is early, very early. The sun is still asleep, like I wish to be. I have never slept well, anywhere between 2 to 4 hours seems to be my lot at night. Once I am awake my body goes into the lets get up and go mode. If I fight the get and go mode, I toss and turn for ages, often waking several times within a minute.
Today is going to be a nap day.

I did forget to mention that yesterday at church four separate people came up to me and said I looked different. More relaxed and happy. (which was amazing as I was not feeling that inside at all) One said my HoH was the same and seem to walk in with a confidence. I noticed his confidence during the worship time. He was stronger, more sure of himself. Is this the result of DD? Yes, I really believe it is. Though it is hard, and these are early days, the changes we are seeing are amazing. Two nights ago when we went to bed, I took his hand and prayed, we prayed together before sleep, for the first time in many many years. Taking his hand to do so, seemed the most natural act in the world. I was holding the hand of the man that God had given me and I loved it.

I was not going to write in here daily. I wasn't, really :)

Corner Time in DD...hmmm well my husband has not quite got that one down pat yet, and that is ok, it is only day six. He mixes corner time with bedroom time.  We are still learning. There are times when I am now starting to think before I speak, or the first word is out before I stop myself. (so proud of myself!)

It sounds like I get into trouble all the time from what I write...I actually get into a lot less trouble than a) I probably should in these early days of learning b) because I am starting to bite my tongue

Anyway back to corner time.

I HATE corner time. I HATE spankings too, but would rather have a spanking than corner time! With a spanking it is over and done with. I can deal with the fact that I have wronged (doesn't make it any easier knowing that) We talk (well, learning to listen), we pray, get spanked, hug, talk, hug, say sorry and I ask for forgiveness. Then I have some corner time. I suggested this in my naivety, because I am not always feeling very penitent, and corner time gives me time to just get the defiance feelings under wraps, and give me time to think about what I did do...usually disrespect...two minutes maybe, just a short corner time to get it together. And that two minutes can seem like FOREVER!!!

As I was saying, the HoH has got the corner time and bedroom time mixed up slightly. I have corner time in the bedroom. He leaves me there while he goes and does what ever he does. There is no accountability, he is not there, I am trying, oh so trying, and I really do try to stay in that corner, not rub the butt, not fidget, not look around or sigh or mumble or whistle or talk under my breath, or look in my drawers or move slightly so I can watch the cars go past et.cetra, et cetra, you get the point and you will know what I am talking about if you have been there.

I am a mature woman, I should be able to stay in that corner and think about things. I am and should be accountable to myself too not just to the HoH. But I am there because I am feeling defiant. Defiance is rebellion, plain and simple, and when you start thinking really hard about it you get this equation:

Defiance = disrespect
Rebellion = disobedience

Disrespect + disobedience =  Two categories under the major list

Never have been good at math, so maybe I have this equation wrong.....

Of course this equation does not come into play so long as I stay in the corner. The magic words are 'stay. in .the. corner.'

As soon as corner time is mentioned, there rises in me an overwhelming desire to say something really really wrong..something like 'stuff you' or 'No' or 'You must be joking'  all while little alarm bells are going off in my head to keep the mouth shut and just do it. If the HoH adds in the hands on head because of rubbing my butt, the defiance goes up several notches. Many notches. Two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes or twenty minutes...just get up and do it. Does not matter, just get up for goodness sakes and do it.

I buck the system. I always have. It is how I keep control of my emotions, my life, the people around me. It helps to keep things and people in little boxes. I can keep them at a distance so that I don't have to deal with myself. MYSELF. Well, that is a new revelation as I was typing this.

I buck the system so I do not have to deal with Myself. Just let me digest this for a minute...

If I don't have to deal with myself, then I am not going to see what I am, what I have become, or to be more to the point, the person I have LET myself become. I don't have to look at allowing forgiveness to creep in, to accept. I am punishing myself. And I don't have to look at  how I treat my loving enduring husband.

Does this make it any easier to do corner time. No it does not. But what it has done is shown me why I buck the system, and knowing this, the next time when I have to do Corner time, I might just manage to actually take a long, long (after all two minutes seems like forever and five minutes a lifetime) look at MYSELF.

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