Wednesday, 17 October 2012

No, no, no, no..not today.

I feel like crying. I really do. And if the child was not at home I would be, but I have to carry on like everything is fine.

I slipped up.

I decided today that it was going to be a Conquistador Day (see previous posts). It is not.

I decided today that everything he wanted done was going to be done. Now I feel so rotten I don't care. I am not in a good place right now at all.

The phone call was going well, I was deferring decisions to him, willing to be abiding, obedient and respectful. I almost managed it.

Then in a moment of distraction, not even thinking of what was coming out of my mouth, taking my mind off the phone call, I said

'Whatever it was that you can't remember is probably not worth saying anyway'

The words fell heavily into the phone.

I am not laughing. I am not even worried that there will probably be a spanking when he gets home.

Right now, I am crying on the inside, because that would of hurt of him. That was an awful thing to say. I don't even know why I said it. I was not thinking at all.

I let my mind wander and not listen (disrespect) and then say something dumb (disrespect)

I hurt him, in a moment, in one sentence. Gosh I suck at this.


  1. Good morning, Marie—

    One of the benefits of DD is that you don't have to punish yourself. That's no longer your job.

    If your husband agrees that what you said was unkind, he knows what to do about it. Likewise, if he wasn't offended but he sees that you're wracked with guilt, the two of you now have a method to get past that. He can take care of things in a way that puts the incident entirely in the past, so it needn't trouble you again.

    And if he doesn't agree that what you said was wrong, you can accept that decision as his to make. You don't have to beat yourself up over what you did. In fact, you would be wrong to do so.

    I think it's wonderful that you're trying so hard. But you shouldn't be so hard on yourself!

    Have a great day!


    1. Thanks Kevan, He did deal with it in the appropriate manner. I am glad (though I don't like the 'appropriate' manner)Tomorrow is a new day. I think I will start taking this in easier chunks...instead of whole days, maybe just each hour at a time. I will look forward to Conquistador hours! Once again thank you.