I feel like crying. I really do. And if the child was not at home I would be, but I have to carry on like everything is fine.
I slipped up.
I decided today that it was going to be a Conquistador Day (see previous posts). It is not.
I decided today that everything he wanted done was going to be done. Now I feel so rotten I don't care. I am not in a good place right now at all.
The phone call was going well, I was deferring decisions to him, willing to be abiding, obedient and respectful. I almost managed it.
Then in a moment of distraction, not even thinking of what was coming out of my mouth, taking my mind off the phone call, I said
'Whatever it was that you can't remember is probably not worth saying anyway'
The words fell heavily into the phone.
I am not laughing. I am not even worried that there will probably be a spanking when he gets home.
Right now, I am crying on the inside, because that would of hurt of him. That was an awful thing to say. I don't even know why I said it. I was not thinking at all.
I let my mind wander and not listen (disrespect) and then say something dumb (disrespect)
I hurt him, in a moment, in one sentence. Gosh I suck at this.