Tuesday, 16 October 2012

The List...

Each day this week, since we started on this journey, I have handed the husband pen and paper and asked him to write some things for me to do during the day. Things that he would like to see done, things he does not want to see when he comes home from a long day at the office.

It has been blank all week. Until this morning.

It has three things on it.

The first one: find the documents he needs for his visa application, as we are going overseas shortly for two weeks.

Done before he leaves for work. I go and get them, come around the kitchen corner and those darn toes are starting to do the 'sassy sassy sassy' dance. I stop, and tell them NO NOT THIS MORNING!

The second one: Keep a food diary. Simple aye? hmm, those toes are not doing the 'sassy sassy sassy' dance anymore. They are starting to dig firmly into the soles of my fluffy red slippers. This to me is heading into the 'control' area. My submissiveness is starting to go out the window. I want to comply, but I am fighting the feelings of letting go. Disobedience and Disrespect are rearing their heads as my toes are pressing firmly into the ground. I am starting to worry.
The reason for keeping a food diary is because I get stomach upsets quite regularly. I am used to it. I don't want to know what causes it (see, I don't keep good care of myself in the health area. I worry about other people, not myself). The Silence wants to know what causes it, so we can deal with it. I see that, I understand that. I just have to suck it up and deal with the feelings of control. Which leads onto number three on the list.

The third one:  Read my bible. Do today's readings and start a journal. Four whole chapters. Mal 3 and 4, Acts 5 and Ps 148. Read them, underline what stands out in those scriptures and then write about why.
We are Christians, we believe in God, we go to church. We pray, and I pray daily, throughout the day. So no big deal, this is a part of our lives. But I never keep a journal, and do not do daily readings. I should, but I don't. I would rather play the piano and worship God that way, or look at nature, and take macro shots to see and thank God for His exceptional beauty and craftmanship. This is the way I learn about God, and I listen in church. Have no problem reading my bible in church.

This list is not about housework.
This list is about letting go of what I, ME, MYSELF control.  This is about letting go of those boxes that I keep things in, that I can take out when I want too.

I know I have to do this. I am his loving, submissive wife. (having problems with the submissive right now) Why do I feel so ........rebellious?
Because these are things I do on my own terms. Reading my bible is a chore, it shouldn't be but it is. I am a visual person. I praise and learn more about God by looking around me, than reading my bible.

And that sounds so dumb. I am so confused about why I am feeling this way.

Actually, no I am not.

Asking him to do the list, I expected it to be housework orientated. I wanted the list to contain housework, as this is easy. It is also on MY terms, not his. I wanted to be the submissive wife by controlling 'The List' I had been suggesting housework orientated tasks all week. Thinking he would put things like washing, dishes, ironing, vacuuming, things to do with housework. He hasn't followed my rules. I have lost control.

Controlling = Manipulation.

Now it is his list. I have no control. I have lost that control, I have lost the manipulation. And it is SCARY!!

This is a whole new feeling that I have to process. This might take awhile.

This little list, not done on my terms, that has taken away some of my control and manipulation is so small. In how many other areas am I going to need to deal with that I control that he should. I have to let go of the control and manipulation.  My whole life is about control.

This is going to be so hard.

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