Early in the morning, and everyone is still in bed. The house is quiet and the sun is out, and yet I feel as if I am treading on thin ice already. Ready to fall through into the water that is going to carry me along, over the stones on the bottom and dump me over some distant waterfall.
It is Sunday..I hate Sundays.
No, not really.
I love the church we go to, I love the lazy Sundays afternoons. The house is usually empty and it is quiet. Today is different, there are many things on....things that I don't particularly like. It involves lots of people, some I don't know. I am not good in crowds, I get 'lost'. Beat myself up, look at them and feel like an outsider.
I hate crowds. So my attitude to the 'extra' stuff we have to do today is already stewing, deep down in the pit of.....what? Defiance, self pity, anger, no idea.
My wonderful loyal husband has roles he has to do at church. This leaves me alone to deal with people, say hello and smile. Some of them I like a lot, they are acquaintances, they are the ones I would like to know more. Have a coffee with and a laugh. But I hate rejection, I am too afraid to step out and ask. So I use the excuse that they are too busy to ask, and in some cases, they are just that.
I pick and choose my friends. Sometimes I am too picky, it takes awhile for me to trust. Why do I feel like I want to cry when I type 'it takes awhile for me to trust'? Must blame pms...
It is a guard that is hard to let down. Standing alone at church there is a palpable wall around me, I can feel it, almost see it...I am sure others can too.
I can read people. I can see right through them, I know whether they are false or true. I don't often make mistakes in my judgement. This makes it even harder to get to know people.
This wall of protection I have carried into our marriage. I have known my husband now for over 23 years. This guard should not be there. How can you have real loving intimate moments with a wall around you? How can you communicate through the wall of anger, hurt, bitterness, distrust? I know I said that I don 't subscribe to the 'blame the past for the future' in my first blog. I am talking about actions when I say this, not the feelings...confused? Well yeah, so am I.
And now it is time to wake everyone up and the peace that is here will be shattered in the rush for everyone to get ready.
Well, I made it through the lead up to to leaving. And in the car going there, and then almost all the way through church. Then I lost it. But I am proud of myself for making it that far without saying something. It is better than most Sunday mornings.
The reason why I lost it with only 6 mins of church to go? I was listening to the speaker when the person sitting next to my husband started to talk to him. This person annoys me each week with her prattling when she sits behind us. She is an older woman, older than me and should know better to show respect (umm, yes, well) So, knowing this bugs me, I try and ignore it, but this is my husband she is talking to, she has just reduced him to being disrespectful....so I see red, and lean over to my husband, thump him on knee and say
'You are being really rude talking while he is talking, now listen!'
I wish I could type it the way I said it. But just imagine how you would say it. It was not said in a quiet voice, and the person talking to my wonderful enduring husband got the message too, and probably the people behind us.... I am hoping that she did get the message anyway, and that next week all will be quiet in the row behind us where she normally sits.
I knew I had blown it. BIG time! In public, angry and disrespecting my husband. In church. Sh**!
I was angry and hurt. Angry at the fact that once again my mouth had gotten me trouble, hurt because my husband had made me angry. I hate that woman that right now, I don't care whether I had a choice to keep quiet or not .... I just don't care.
We finally left church and headed to the next thing on the agenda, lunch with people my husband knows well after being overseas with them for a few weeks. I don't them, some of them I don't want to know. And I was the odd one out, the only one that had not been overseas with them. One person several times talked to me and explained what everyone was talking about. In my stress, I bit at my husband quietly under my breath. I was still worried about what was coming, in a situation that I didn't want to be in. Well, he heard that one too. It was just a small slip up and I did manage to stop mid sentence.
Anyway, we made it home with enough time to chat about what happened at church, before we had to start thinking about heading out again. He asked for forgiveness for getting me into the place where I got angry at him and we talked about why I felt the way I did when she was talking to him. The punishment still remains, because whether he was in the wrong or not, I had a choice to say something quietly or leave it. I agree to this, because this was a major, maaaaa.....jor slip up.
Now, this is where it gets a little bit more frustrating. This had happened at least 4 hours before hand, four hours of waiting and knowing that this spanking was going to be a darn good one that I was going to remember for a few hours afterwards. I don't like being spanked, but the 'good' ones serve as a reminder that I have done something wrong. They are a deterrent for the rest of the day (at least for that infraction)
So HoH gets the 'implement' and gives me a few spanks, yes it hurts when he is doing it, and I put my hands back to stop it, which earned a few 'good' ones on the bare skin instead of over the undies. And then he is finished. WHAT? Is that all? It felt so little for such a whooper of a Disrespect. I have spent the last four hours dreading this, I refuse to stand up after our chat and prayer time, because lets face it, I KNOW what is coming. Yesterday, I answered back four times, ok not so bad and todays one is bigger than that..way way bigger. But yesterdays spanking is still within my mind. I thought it would be worse than that. For goodness sakes, I am angry even typing about it.
But no, he is finished. One would think I would be happy. But I am angry, very angry. I am also happy that it was so short and so light. I will get to the angry part in a minute..but lets deal with the 'happy happy' first. I am happy that it was so short, my butt is not even stinging. I am now in a sassy mood. I feel that I have gotten away with the major disrespect. We are both so new at this, so we sort of talk about it afterwards. So I tell him that I am now in a sassy mood and that he had better sort out the punishments because if that was all he was going to dish out for such a whooper of a mistake then we could of done that in the kitchen and taken less time. (We are talking about this, and he has not picked up on the fact that really I should of stopped when I started in on the sassy mood)
Then the penny drops...and I get angry, very angry. It is simmering under the happy happy sassy mood. The penny that dropped brought with it the knowledge that unlike other punishments that keep reminding for awhile to watch my mouth and to think before I speak, this one will not and has not. This means I am on my toes for the rest of the day. He has not done the punishment right, this is unfair. Because now I am pissed (and I don't care about using that word). I do not like the spankings, but see how it has affected our lives already. Five days in and we are already closer together, communicating more.
He has cheated me. That is what it feels like. I dreaded for so long that spanking...four stinkin hours of worrying about it, KNOWING it was going to hurt and that I was going to remember this one for awhile. It meant that it would be there as a reminder, it would have given me a release from the disappointment I felt about losing it in church with him. Now it is still there, just simmering.
He hates spanking me, but sees the results. I shocked him this afternoon, when I said a few more things to him, and he said that we had discussed it and to STOP NOW. I shut my mouth. I shocked him, I have never shut up before. He told me later he could not believe it.
I could of carried on with arguing with him, I didn't have to stop, even knowing that I was getting dangerously close to another spanking...I was angry. Still am. The reason I stopped so suddenly?
Because he had authority in his voice. I have never heard that before in him...EVER!!!! I stopped because I was shocked!! Not because I thought it was a good idea.
An hour to go before bed..I am going to make it. I am calling this a spank free day, because I can. I am not calling what I got a spanking..it wasn't. There have been so many slip ups since then, the swearing, the tone..the little answering backs, the mutterings. I am not sure whether he is letting it slide or just hasn't heard me. I don't care right now.
Before I go I must type that I as I have posted previously I can no longer smoke in the car. So what does my wonderful enduring husband do before we go to lunch? He goes past the restaurant, into the next carpark, chooses a shady spot and tells me he will wait until I have had a smoke. Bless his little cotton socks :)
(this of course was before we finally made it home, but I still think that part of the day was wonderful, it meant a lot to me as he hates me smoking at all, and yet he did that for me)