Monday, 15 October 2012

The Struggle Within

Still day six.

I was not going to blog. I wasn't.

But I have to get this down before I go to bed. Something happened tonight.

I think we have tipped over the edge into the real DD.

'The Silence' (new name for HoH) called me out on last nights infractions in bed. I was in disagreement with that lot. It was dark, it was unfair. I could not see his face. I was tired and stressed. So what ever happened last night was just plain unfair! 'The Silence' was not wearing one bit of my argument and told me I was treading on dangerous ground.

I explained that I had gone to bed because I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted to be asleep when he got finally got there. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to pray with him. I was doing the distance game. Pushing him away, which led us to this position of going through the motions of being married in the first place. The falseness, the pretending that we were great. While underneath was a simmering pot of disrespect, I think mainly on my part, distrust, lack of intimacy ...well, the list could go on and on.

And to add onto lasts nights was the disrespect and answering back when he got home.
Pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. Just SHUT UP. Why can I not just shut up? He warned me, graciously, several times, more times than he should of. I still I pushed and pushed.

He went out and delivered the girl (I know I have said in previous posts that we have several young adult children at home, well we do have two children, one has left home and starting his own family, the other is at home until next year. I said we had several at home in case anyone we knew read this and put two and two together. There are 60 billion people in the world, or thereabouts, so that is not, perhaps likely to happen)

I was at home waiting for him to come back. Knowing the reason why he was coming home. Simmering, and he was late by my calculations, which made the simmering start to boil. And he snuck in the back way. Parking beside the house and not up the driveway. 'The Silence' sneaking in the back....

He is not a weakling, but I am not afraid of him. He hates the discipline, or rather hates to give it.  I have to tell him to be strong, even while I am bucking the system, his rules, our rules. It makes it harder to comply with him at discipline time. He loves me. He hates to do this, as he knows it is going to hurt me. I love him for it, while at the same time I resent that I have to pull him along, as well as myself. We agreed to do this, we agreed together. It IS working. After tonight, as you will read further on, I think there is now no going back. The benefits are to great.
This is for us.
This is for our marriage, our life. This is what is going to bring us together, the way we should of been from day one.
Honey, I love you. I really, really, really, really, really love YOU!

Resistance, as much as I gave it, was useless. This was going to happen either way. So I stomped my way up the hall to the bedroom.

'You are stomping' Says 'The Silence'

'No, I am not! I am walking with attitude!'

This is not a good start. I am mumbling, which he either does not hear, or refuses to bite.

I get into position. Used to this now. Have this down pat.

I am not going to say owowowowowow, or stopstopstopstop, or sorrysorrysorrysorry. I have ATTITUDE!

The warm up spanks seem to be a bit harder tonight. Then he rubs the butt...he is not supposed too. We are beginners. This does not happen in the beginning stages.

Then comes the main 'implement' This hurts, oh my gosh, this hurts. A few words escape, just a few. So I grit my teeth, and button down the emotions. My foot has a mind of its own. It keeps trying to get the way. Stupid foot. Stupid foot gained me a few more.

I am far from happy, but I am strong. I stand up, pull up the pants, give him a hug while he prays. It is now Corner Time. If you have read previous blogs you know I HATE corner time.

So I prance, yes, prance. I am no fairy. I could lose at least 15 kilos and still be no fairy. But I pranced down the hallway. 'The Silence' points to the corner.

Ah no, sorry, cannot comply. 'People will see me standing there. I will not stand there' (We have a very open house to the roads in front and beside us)So he chooses another corner. I thought refusal would of earned me another trip to the bedroom. It doesn't which is good, as I am heading there again shortly anyway. Because of my toes, seriously, who would think their toes would cause so much trouble?

I have discovered that in the 'Sassy Mood' my toes have a mind of their own. They do this little dance, up and down while my feet remain still. 'The Silence' should not know this. I have no control over those ten little jigglers on the end of my feet. They are HAPPY!

I am in Corner Time, toes jiggling, and I turn my head to see 'The Silence' watching me.

'That's one warning' says 'The Silence'

I am thinking, I have named you 'The Silence' so be silent!!!

I wait what seems like an eternity, which apparently was only about 3 mins, before I turn my head for a sneaky look again. Surely he must be busy writing or something at the table. He is not going to see me look. Dam those toes. Jiggling like mad now, singing 'sassy sassy sassy'
'The Silence' is looking. Darn!

Ok, so the toes are still jiggling all the way to the bedroom, they disappear under the bed...chickens..they are now hiding while my butt is pointing upwards.

I don't know how many he gave, but I was not giving in. It seemed too many for just turning around, so I stand up and tell him so. I still have ATTITUDE!
'The Silence' says no it is not, as he warned me. So back over the bed, and in the middle of the spanking he says

'And several more for insolence' and that there, my dear readers, was my undoing. I cried, I didn't want too.
I was not going too. The toes are not jiggling now. I don't think I have any toes, I am concentrating so hard on getting emotions together, that I could be legless and I wouldn't know. My butt hurts, but my heart hurts more.

This man, my enduring husband, has taken the upper hand and delivered a spanking I think will last several days. And I love him for it. He has finally taken the place he should of taken years ago. And I love him for it.

I go back to Corner Time. My toes are not jiggling. They are not happy.

I spend the next eternity (no idea how long it was, but the toes were starting to think about jiggling, just ever so slightly, when 'The Silence' says ok. I am so glad he did right then, or those toes were going to start again) anyway, I spend that time praying and thanking my God, our God for who my enduring husband is. I thank Him for the gift of having a husband who is to be respected, honoured and loved.

Tonight would be the turning point, and that turning point came at the end of the Corner Time. I hugged my enduring husband, and hugged him for a long time. I felt peace, love and treasured. The sighing I did was not because of sassiness, but because of love. I felt close to him, just like on our Wedding Day. I have not felt that way for a long, long time. I did not want to let him go. I just want to hold him forever.

I love you, my enduring husband.

(Of course we do have to have a reality check as  tomorrow is a new day, I might muck up, but that love is still going to be there. There is now an intimacy there that has not been present for a long time)

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