Thursday, 25 October 2012

Anger and Distancing :(

I am angry.
Angry that he is now asleep, and I am awake. Angry that he did not step on the distancing when I first went to bed. Angry that now he says it will be dealt with in the morning, when I said into the darkness that I was sorry. Maybe he realised I wasn't, but I wanted to be the submissive wife, let him know that I was sorry, that I was trying. That I was trying to be sorry.
Angry that I am angry at myself. Angry that everytime I drop off to sleep I wake with a start knowing that there are un-dealt  with issues hanging in air, polluting the very air we are breathing.

I want to know his forgiveness, and his arms around me. This emotion..., it is foreign, and I don't know how to deal with it.
We didn't hug or pray together. The night is not complete.

It was not his fault, it was mine. I should know when to stop. But I don't. The boundaries keep changing when in fun we are talking or just being silly.  So I push and push to see how far I can go. There is no demarcation line.

Then I got angry about something that I cannot even remember. I went to bed angry, mentally pushing him away. Not trusting myself to speak or look at him.

I should not of got angry when I got up and found the back doors unlocked after I had locked up for the night. I didn't get angry like I used too.
This is a quiet anger, that is just simmering underneath. I didn't lose it and yell like I have in the past. I just held my breath, and went into a deeper place of distancing. It is safer there, or that is the lie I am telling myself. As I know it hurts both of us.

I am on that raft that is drifting out to sea with me on it. While he stands on the shore and watches. He could of said something before he went to bed. But he kept his silence. The Silence being silent.

And now that I have all this down I realise that nothing has changed. And it wont until the morning when he said that he would deal with it then.

I wish that we could have just one day, one night where I don't go wrong. This DD is hard. There are no easy roads to take ...

But I can't go back. WE can't go back. The old way of living seems so ....different. I wonder now how on earth we managed. And even in my anger tonight, right now, I love him more than yesterday.

Morning for him is six hours away. He will sleep and dream the dreams of the forgiven, while I try to turn the distancing raft around and head for shore and The Silence that is waiting there.


  1. Hi M3. I'm sorry you're having a tough day and had to get through a tough night alone. I know you know this in a "heady" way but the emotions and turmoil at the beginning of this journey are overwhelming. I remember it well and I wish I'd been writing back then but I wasn't and wonder if I would have been able to if I tried. I was a mess!

    When I leave comments I usually know someone fairly well before I leave outright "advice." I'm going to break my rule here. Please talk to him today if you can find some time and space together. Cry out all the conflicting emotions and let him know how much it means to you to be able to start a new day with a clean slate. Explain how wonderful it is to go to sleep forgiven and one with him. Keep talking...he will slowly understand. Let him know that you trust him and that he is doing a great job. This is really hard for them too. They sometimes need time to process and figure out how to handle something. Sometimes my M is just plain tuckered and he knows that if he is going to take me in hand, he needs to give me his all, and then time after to connect. Some nights we can't do that, no matter what has happened.

    Hang in there okay? It's not so much that it gets easier but every single day isn't infused with so much angst and emotion. It gets better and you find your balance again.

  2. Thank you Susie for your advice, it is much appreciated :) Sometimes, it is a lonely road, and we feel that we are floundering, no matter how much we read.
    We did talk as you suggested, not about all of it, but we did talk and have come up with a solution to what to do before it goes to far like it did last night. It would be easier of course to just deal with issues as they come up, but having an older daughter at home in a small house makes it rather difficult to do. Once again, I do appreciate any advice, and thank you for yours today :)