I am angry.
Angry that he is now asleep, and I am awake. Angry that he did not step on the distancing when I first went to bed. Angry that now he says it will be dealt with in the morning, when I said into the darkness that I was sorry. Maybe he realised I wasn't, but I wanted to be the submissive wife, let him know that I was sorry, that I was trying. That I was trying to be sorry.
Angry that I am angry at myself. Angry that everytime I drop off to sleep I wake with a start knowing that there are un-dealt with issues hanging in air, polluting the very air we are breathing.
I want to know his forgiveness, and his arms around me. This emotion..., it is foreign, and I don't know how to deal with it.
We didn't hug or pray together. The night is not complete.
It was not his fault, it was mine. I should know when to stop. But I don't. The boundaries keep changing when in fun we are talking or just being silly. So I push and push to see how far I can go. There is no demarcation line.
Then I got angry about something that I cannot even remember. I went to bed angry, mentally pushing him away. Not trusting myself to speak or look at him.
I should not of got angry when I got up and found the back doors unlocked after I had locked up for the night. I didn't get angry like I used too.
This is a quiet anger, that is just simmering underneath. I didn't lose it and yell like I have in the past. I just held my breath, and went into a deeper place of distancing. It is safer there, or that is the lie I am telling myself. As I know it hurts both of us.
I am on that raft that is drifting out to sea with me on it. While he stands on the shore and watches. He could of said something before he went to bed. But he kept his silence. The Silence being silent.
And now that I have all this down I realise that nothing has changed. And it wont until the morning when he said that he would deal with it then.
I wish that we could have just one day, one night where I don't go wrong. This DD is hard. There are no easy roads to take ...
But I can't go back. WE can't go back. The old way of living seems so ....different. I wonder now how on earth we managed. And even in my anger tonight, right now, I love him more than yesterday.
Morning for him is six hours away. He will sleep and dream the dreams of the forgiven, while I try to turn the distancing raft around and head for shore and The Silence that is waiting there.