Thursday, 18 October 2012

Just Thoughts.

I have had a 'Conquistador' hour....oh wait...everyone else is still in bed. I can be sure the next hour is going to be to.

Today is a new day. One hour at a time.

Found that Thursdays and Fridays are really hard days to do discipline on as our young adult is home on both nights. So whatever needs disciplining (which is not much...yeah right) has to wait until Saturdays. This means I have to stew for two whole days before having to face the music.  Which really, lets face it, could potentially end up being a whole day of spanking and corner time.

So I have been thinking about this all week and have 'suggested' (see, only suggested, not told, not manipulated etc...I am learning, albeit slowly) that perhaps, as much as I am going to hate this, it has to be better than having to wait until Saturday, that Bedroom time/lines/loss of privileges/capsicain cream (might have a hard time with the privileges one) might have to come into play. This means that neither of us will have to wait until Saturday. Of course, I probably won't need any of this because I am so good.....yeah...ok. Don't hold your breath on that one.

The ultimate decision of course is up to The Silence. That quiet, strong, forgiving, handsome, loving, enduring husband of mine.

Trying to think of what other privileges, or things that I could possibly lose..

Was thinking this morning 'has there been any growth?'
And yes there has. I do stop and think more about what I am saying, doing, reacting. There are now just odd moments that something will slip. The Silence is very good at catching those slips. Sometimes he lets them go, depending on how big a slip it is. I guess one day he might not let the slips go anymore when he thinks that maybe those little slips should not be happening.

An update on the Bible reading and food diary:
(Remember the trouble I was having to let go of those things that 'I choose to do' and this was only two things)

Ok, so the Bible reading I am doing.  I still don't like seeing it written down as those feelings of control come into play. What has changed, just slightly (and this is after I got it through my head that he, as HOH is responsible for the spiritual growth in the home) is that I don't mind doing it. Sort of.

The dreaded food diary. I am filling it out. Under internal protest. Which reminds me..hang on a tick. Ok, that is done.
I can see why I have to fill it out. And that is about all I am saying on that subject.

It is such a small part of control to let go. I read other peoples blogs and see that for some of them there is a whole lot of 'stuff' that they can no longer control. How do they do it? How do you cope?

I guess, it is all about trusting the one you love, that whatever decisions he makes, they are going to be the right ones, and can only do you  good.

Sometimes I think there are things I would like to let go. Things that keep me wired up inside, wired up on the wrong side of control and manipulation. Things I say to protect myself, distancing. If I sat down and thought to hard I guess I would just end up with basically everything I do at this present time.

I think the hardest thing is just letting go of some things. You want to be submissive, you are willing to be submissive..but for some reason those rebellious feelings come in, you want to be there for them, fulfil their needs, emotionally and physically. But while your mind is saying yes, I want this, your toes are digging into the ground as far as they can.

How can the top half of your body be so willing while the bottom half is not.

Anyway, coffee and wake up time for HOH.


  1. M3 I use a site called find it really helpful, it logs exercise, too,so it lets you see when you can eat extra calories, and it gives you a visual of your progress (charts). Maybe that would make the food diary thing easy :) ...well easier. It also has the best food database of all the sites I've seen.

  2. thanks June, I will have a look. At the moment trying to find out what makes me sick all the time, which is the reason for the food diary. Having said that, I am not eating healthy at all, so I will go and look at the site, plus the exercise would be a good idea too. Thank you for your help :) It is much appreciated :)

    1. Ahhh, okay! Here is a site that talks about the types of foods to test for food sensitivities and tips on a diet to identify them Hope you find it, I know it can be miserable.

  3. Thanks June, I have both up in my browser ready to have a read. Both are looking like they are going to be very helpful. Once again, thank you :)